6thqueen cheating thread

[The6thQueen]

Thanks all for your advice on the other thread. It was suggested I start a new one for support as the old was about sending messages to OW husband

For info I found out about the affair on 20th April, she’s a work colleague, known her for years, it had been going on about 8 weeks. They were in ‘love’, etc etc. He told me it was escapism, he was a mess etc. He’s an alcoholic with a number of MH problems (PTSD and anxiety). We decided to work on things.
He left his job with her to start a new one three weeks later. He asked her for advice about his goodbye email and asked her to come to the quiz for his leaving (online). I lost my shit, turns out they’d been calling each other, but that this was it etc etc (I’m such a fool).
He’s been a mess as it all started at work and they both had a disciplinary hearing for being caught kissing at work. They are NHS, pandemic is on, should have declared rela etc. I stood by him and supported him through this until his hearing last week. It’s been utter shit. But I supported him and put my stresses to one side to help him.
Last night we had bit of a row - I was upset and struggling with hurt and betrayal etc. Went out for a walk at 9.30pm to clear my head, came home and went to bed.
Long story short, she had been scheduled into a meeting with him two weeks or so ago. She had emailed him via work to tell him. He told her not a good plan, she rang him, they talked and she asked him to set up an email account so they could see how each other was in the future. He said no. Never told any of this to me or our therapist. Last night, after our row, he set up the email and sent her the details via work.
If I hadn’t realised something was wrong (he’d taken my phone charger for his work phone, something he never does) they would have been merrily messaging each other and the EA would have all started again.

I’m such a mess. He’s gone, but I’m hurting so much and feel such a fool

So just because you have a row he reverts to type?
He's not a man, he's a silly little boy and you'd be well rid of him.

You're absolutely well rid of him.
Keep strong OP

He’s an alcoholic? As harsh as this sounds you and your children are well rid! Look after yourself and your children.

I mean I think you've done the right thing booting him out and telling her husband but I'm not convinced you really want rid?

Do you think you could live happily with him knowing what he truly is?

Jeez, I know it doesn’t seem like it right now but you’ll be better off without him surely?

I imagine she’ll not want him either once she realises what it’s like to be with an alcoholic with mental health problems, they can be self obsessed at the best of times.

Fuck me.

You'll be better off without him, OP, even if it hurts a lot in the meantime.

You'd never be able to trust that he wouldn't do it again. He's chosen her at every possible opportunity.

Take it an hour at a time today. Do you have any friends that might be able to keep you company?

Good grief. DOubling down because you had a row????

I am sorry you are hurting so much and I know it is so hard to let someone go even when they treat you so bad, but you DO deserve better.

Honestly in the long run you will be much better out of this situation with him. You can't see it now as you're in the eye of the storm but once you've put time between you and this event you'll start seeing how it was the best thing that you ended it.

My mum and dad are here

They’re supposed to be having the children whilst we go away. Will give me some breathing room

You aren't a fool you gave him the chance to make your marriage work.

He can never legitimately say you didn't.

Are they both of your children on the other thread you reference to the children as my children suggesting they were from a previous relationship.
He’s a shit op
Let him go and see where he ends up

They are our children DS (10) & DD(7), we’ve been together 16 years and married nearly 12

what's your housing situation like OP?

Grab this chance to be rid of him. An alcoholic with MH is going to emotionally drain you one way or another and damage your children. Can you go on this break alone? I would and I would take stock, gather my courage and move forward. He will be back once she realises his true self, make sure your ready to say no.

You gave him one last chance, not that he deserved it, but at least you know YOU gave the marriage a good shot.

You will be ok, believe me. I'm five years free of my cheating ex husband and it's bliss x

We have a mortgaged property and we’re accidental landlords (we’re in the process of selling that house, our tenant needs to move as she is pregnant and we haven’t wanted to take away her home before now).

All the very best of luck to you, The6thQueen.

It will get better, honest.

OP I know this will not help but let him go.If not for you for your children,He is not a lovely man my darling he is a man who has let down his wife and children in an awful way.He is a liar and a cheat and not what you or your children need to thrive in life.It will be hard and you will have a lot of upset still to come but be strong.Its a shock right now and you will be grieving for the loss of your marriage but it was all based on lies and deciet it wasnt what you thought it was and the person to blame for all that is him,He has chosen to do this to you and the kids and its awful.I am so sorry.

I’d still go on holiday on my own if I were you. You deserve a break, you know the kids will be looked after. Tell your parents what’s happened if you haven’t already

You CAN do this, you deserve a better life 💐

Last night, after our row, he set up the email and sent her the details via work.
Oh. lovely. Poor impulse control, AND a chance to blame his actions on his wife ("you made me do it, because you made me row with you")

I’m such a mess. He’s gone, but I’m hurting so much and feel such a fool
OP, on your other thread, PP made such an excellent post about adrenaline, & how it relates to the awful post-betrayal mood swings.

So take a breath, & break this one down to its component parts, & you will start to feel calmer:
"I'm such a mess" - come off it! You've been treated dreadfully, & are responding normally, just like a normal human!

"he's gone" - good. He makes you feel awful, & treats you badly. Keep him gone.

"I'm hurting so much" - yes. & I'm sorry. A very good pal once said to me, in similar circumstances - "please do yourself a favour Buck, & feel it. Because the pain's coming for you whether you want it or not. Face it, feel it, work through it ... & you will get past it. Avoid it - & it will swamp you, on the sly."
Consider that excellent post about adrenaline again, Your mood swings may even be minute-by-minute at the moment. They're only feelings - not facts - acknowledge them, & let them drift on by. They will diminish in time.

"Feel such a fool" - why? YOU haven't shagged anyone else's spouse, lied, cheated, betrayed anyone. Your DH & his git of an AP are the fools here.
He's a fool for throwing away a wife who was preparing herself for forgiveness, & tolerated his many shortcomings.
She's a fool because she thinks it's a great idea to chase an alcoholic liar with MH issues & anxiety, who uses these issues as a sop to a wife he doesn't deserve. Let 'em have each other - they'll soon realise what shits they each are.

Just look after yourself & the kids for the next couple of days, & do anything you need to in order to keep him out of your actual life while you work on getting him out of your head.

Every minute you waste dwelling on him & his AP is a minute you are not devoting to the business of regaining your free & independent life, without arseholes like STBXH & AP in it.

What a catch.
A cheating, alcoholic, just what you and your children need in their life.
Stay rid of him for your own dignity and self respect.
Nobody deserves to be treated like this, he won't change.

Sending you lots of love and strength op you deserve so much better - please stay strong xxx

Thank you @ChargingBuck

Thank you all

You know OP there’s a book called women who love too much and I think some of us become so co dependent that we brush under the carpet all that is negative because we don’t want to’upset the applecart’. At some point the applecart will turn over with a disfunctional partner and this is that moment for you. You have done nothing wrong, feel your anger rise that despite the fact he is an alcoholic and doesn’t sound a very kind person you have remained loyal. That controlled anger will get you through this—