6thqueen cheating thread

[The6thQueen]

Thanks all for your advice on the other thread. It was suggested I start a new one for support as the old was about sending messages to OW husband

For info I found out about the affair on 20th April, she’s a work colleague, known her for years, it had been going on about 8 weeks. They were in ‘love’, etc etc. He told me it was escapism, he was a mess etc. He’s an alcoholic with a number of MH problems (PTSD and anxiety). We decided to work on things.
He left his job with her to start a new one three weeks later. He asked her for advice about his goodbye email and asked her to come to the quiz for his leaving (online). I lost my shit, turns out they’d been calling each other, but that this was it etc etc (I’m such a fool).
He’s been a mess as it all started at work and they both had a disciplinary hearing for being caught kissing at work. They are NHS, pandemic is on, should have declared rela etc. I stood by him and supported him through this until his hearing last week. It’s been utter shit. But I supported him and put my stresses to one side to help him.
Last night we had bit of a row - I was upset and struggling with hurt and betrayal etc. Went out for a walk at 9.30pm to clear my head, came home and went to bed.
Long story short, she had been scheduled into a meeting with him two weeks or so ago. She had emailed him via work to tell him. He told her not a good plan, she rang him, they talked and she asked him to set up an email account so they could see how each other was in the future. He said no. Never told any of this to me or our therapist. Last night, after our row, he set up the email and sent her the details via work.
If I hadn’t realised something was wrong (he’d taken my phone charger for his work phone, something he never does) they would have been merrily messaging each other and the EA would have all started again.

I’m such a mess. He’s gone, but I’m hurting so much and feel such a fool

I'm so sorry for the situation you're in. Has he done anything like this before? My dad was a womaniser and an alcoholic. He had two major affairs (to our knowledge), but I can honestly say that my mother was the love of his life. He was just so fucked up from past trauma and alcoholism that he pursued behaviour that was destructive to all our lives. My mother was subsequently diagnosed with cancer. My dad gave up the drink and turned his life around. Thank goodness, because he ended up being her rock for ten years until she died. He had spent the rest of his life since her death regretting how he once treated her. But honestly, he was a wonderful husband and carer when it mattered.

That said, I would ordinarily say ditch the lying deceitful bastard, and find someone who truly appreciates thehe fabulous woman you are. And of course, the hurt is most accute when your children are betrayed. But just giving an alternative experience.

Good luck OP. Feeling for you right now 😘

You have done the right thing by chucking him out. Now it’s up to him to fight for you, your family, your marriage. It will hurt, you will feel bereft and angry, bewildered- a myriad of different emotions. This is normal. Take each day as it comes and put your needs first- don’t make him a concern.

All the best op

@The6thQueen

I don’t want to be alone, it frightens me and I do love who I thought he was

Being alone shouldn't be frightening. Being alone can, in fact, be empowering. In being alone we learn our strengths and learn 'who we are'.

Right now you need to concentrate on learning who you are. Because you'll be surprised at what a strong and fearless woman you really are.

Give yourself time. This is all new and not what you were expecting for your life. You'll get through this.

OP I'm so so sorry to read this... 🌸

Just popping in to see how you're doing.
I've been there and feel your pain, I just couldn't understand any of it.

It bloody hurts and there's no quick way to hurt less, you're not alone in feeling how you feel.

I'll pop back later, thinking of you XXX

Managed to get some sleep at least.
I hate waking alone though
I miss him and our marriage
I don’t know what I want

I’m glad you managed to get some sleep. Today will be tough, especially with the kids out.

Is there anywhere you can go and get out of the house. Even if just for a walk as sitting at home staring at the walls will give you too much time to think.

Are there any projects you have been meaning to do? Paint a room, some gardening or any other hobby, it will be good to keep busy over the next few days.

Remember to eat and take care of yourself.

Morning queen , well done for getting through a difficult night.

All the feelings you’re having are totally normal. You are grieving.
Please take your time - don’t make any deductions for a couple of weeks. Koko day to day in the best way you can for now.

You’re doing great

When my husband cheated, I felt exactly the same as you, it was horrendous.

An amazing friend of mine told me that on hard days, try to get through them an hour at a time. Just forcus on "doing things" for that hour, even mundane things like folding washing, housework, walking the dog, baking something for the kids, etc.. Days when I felt like a walking zombie this really helped me, an also stopped my mind whirring over things so often.
Be kind to yourself, this is stil such early days, the pain and rawness does ease with time x

@The6thQueen

Managed to get some sleep at least. I hate waking alone though I miss him and our marriage I don’t know what I want

The problem is you know exactly what the OW wants - your man.

Your marriage was not what you thought it was alas. What a bastard, to lie and to deceive you that way. He's low. Very low.

Use your anger to do something for yourself, like clearing out any of his remaining shit.

You don't have to decide what you want yet. You need time to recover and greive your marriage

You're going to be ok. Stay strong xx

The problem is you know exactly what the OW wants - your man.

Someone who cheats on you isn't your man.

Another one who had a cheating / lying ex and knows how this feels. Your threads have reminded me of how raw, how bitterly painful this was. You're at the lowest point right now, but it does get better. You are going to be ok, better than OK. You will realize in time that your husband is not who you thought he was, you'll mourn for what you thought you had ( but didn't) and you will move on. You'll learn you are strong and perfectly capable of thriving alone. You will be able to find happiness - be it alone or with someone who deserves you.

For now feel as you need to feel be it cry, scream, rant, compulsively clean ( it helped me?!), have a few drinks - whatever works for you. Stay strong and know that time is great healer, the sun will always come up tomorrow despite how dark the night may feel. You don't need to make decisions right now, and honestly it best not to when you're so raw.

Hope you’re as ok as you can be right now op

I don’t know what I want. I’m a joyless mess

OP you can do this 💐

You’ll feel so much better for not having him in your life, you deserve so much better

Have a big hug. This stage is awful and it is a form of bereavement for the relationship you thought you had. Let yourself grieve, don't make any big decisions and get support from friends and/or family. Try and get yourself into a routine, that helps the time pass without having to think too hard.

@The6thQueen

I don’t know what I want. I’m a joyless mess

Yes, right now maybe you are. But there will come a time when you will rise from the ashes and find your true self. You really will, but it will come in its own good time.

I remember a line from 'Tootsie' in a scene dealing with the aftermath of a breakup; "Don't tell me how to feel. I'm gonna feel this way until I don't feel this way anymore!".

Those are wise words. Don't wallow, but allow yourself to feel your feelings. Since I'm in a 'quoting mood' I'll quote Hagrid about the slug spell; "Better out than in".

Feeling it and acknowledging it is the first step to being able to examine it, conquer it and finally put it where it belongs.....in a box in the back corner of the attic in your brain.

You may be able to do it on your own, with the help of family or friends, or you may want to seek counseling. But no matter which you choose, you WILL be back to 'yourself' again.

Hi just checking in, how are you?

Hello, sorry for the radio silence. Been working on myself and trying to focus on the children.
I understand this won’t be popular here, but I have decided I want to work on things. One day at a time, slowly, at my pace. I love him very much, I love our life together and, yes, I am frightened of a future without him (judge away for that). However, I want to be able to walk away from this saying I gave it my all.
Things have been ok so far. But I understand I and our relationship is very fragile. Only time will tell.