6thqueen cheating thread

[The6thQueen]

Thanks all for your advice on the other thread. It was suggested I start a new one for support as the old was about sending messages to OW husband

For info I found out about the affair on 20th April, she’s a work colleague, known her for years, it had been going on about 8 weeks. They were in ‘love’, etc etc. He told me it was escapism, he was a mess etc. He’s an alcoholic with a number of MH problems (PTSD and anxiety). We decided to work on things.
He left his job with her to start a new one three weeks later. He asked her for advice about his goodbye email and asked her to come to the quiz for his leaving (online). I lost my shit, turns out they’d been calling each other, but that this was it etc etc (I’m such a fool).
He’s been a mess as it all started at work and they both had a disciplinary hearing for being caught kissing at work. They are NHS, pandemic is on, should have declared rela etc. I stood by him and supported him through this until his hearing last week. It’s been utter shit. But I supported him and put my stresses to one side to help him.
Last night we had bit of a row - I was upset and struggling with hurt and betrayal etc. Went out for a walk at 9.30pm to clear my head, came home and went to bed.
Long story short, she had been scheduled into a meeting with him two weeks or so ago. She had emailed him via work to tell him. He told her not a good plan, she rang him, they talked and she asked him to set up an email account so they could see how each other was in the future. He said no. Never told any of this to me or our therapist. Last night, after our row, he set up the email and sent her the details via work.
If I hadn’t realised something was wrong (he’d taken my phone charger for his work phone, something he never does) they would have been merrily messaging each other and the EA would have all started again.

I’m such a mess. He’s gone, but I’m hurting so much and feel such a fool

Sending you support and strength @The6thQueen

I know you’re all right, I’m just so alone right now. The children are at my parents (planned sleepovers due to us meant to be away), I wanted them to have to distraction. They’re going to Alton towers tomorrow - they’ll love that.
But I’m here alone, drowning my self in spirits

I speak from experience he has done you a huge favour !! This affair they have had is all a dream, just wait for the reality of him being a cheating alcoholic !! One day you will look back on this abs appreciate it’s happened , it’s very painful at the moment but I promise the day will come !!

@AWiseWomanOnceSaidFuckThisShit

The absolute micro second another woman is on the scene - be it physical, love, sexting, EA, whatever - it's 100% over. There are many trials and tribulations a couple can face but another woman... nope. Be gone. The faith will never return. Ever.

I'm sorry this has happened to you x

I have to say I agree with this. It might not end immediately and there will be tons of lovebombing, cognitive dissonance, hysterical bonding and pick-me dances, but eventually it will end.

Not telling you how to suck eggs OP but please be careful with drink at a time like this. It tends to lead to poor decisions you wouldn't normally make when sober. Stay strong x

It worries me that you say you don't want to be alive right now.
The initial shock is awful and hurts like nothing else but I promise you it WILL get better.

Your children need their mum.

Please don't make a permanent decision for a temporary problem.

Being alone when you're used to being a couple is hard and it will take time for it to feel anything like normal but it will. It's hard as well because he's still out there and when the loneliness gets too much the temptation to take him back will be huge but he has shown you who he is. You already knew he was an alcoholic and now you know he's a cheater and a liar whose love for you is conditional. You dare to argue with him and he goes running back to a woman who still thinks that the sun shines out of his arsehole.

Rely on any friends you have to be there for you and your parents too. When you're at your most lucid and confident you know that you are worth more than him than the life that only works if his alcoholism is excused and his cheating is swept under the carpet and his needs are put before yours and your children's.

There is a bright future for you out there. It won't seem like it right now, but you will find it and you'll look back on this and realise that leaving him was the best decision that you ever made.

Take care of yourself and be kind to yourself.

OP, have you got any friends you could call?

Op do you have any friends that could come and sit with you tonight?

Take it a minute at a time if you need to, but just know that you will get through this

I don’t want to be alone

Fucking hell I'd take eternity alone rather than share a bed with this prick.

Do you have an alcohol problem too OP?

@layladomino

I'm so sorry, this must be so hard for you. There is unfortunately no quick solution, no easy pass to get you through to the other side. And the road is a bumpy one. Some days you feel rock bottom, other days you feel really optimistic. But the general trend will be upwards.

From what you have told us of him, from an objective point of view, you are much better off without him. It won't always feel like that to you right now, but in time I think you will.

And you will be glad that you were strong and determined and did the right thing. Life will be so much better in the future. With your lovely DC, and without a man you can't trust, and who would treat you with so little respect.

This.

Is always worth remembering that if you love someone you need to let them be free. You’ll be happy once this crap is over with.

Have you a friend(s) who could spend the evening with you. Please stop drinking your children will need one sober and stable parent, you cannot fall apart even if they are at their grandparents at the moment.
Go and get some fresh air and try and pull yourself together he does not deserve your tears.
Please look after yourself

I am so sorry this has happened, OP, but you really do deserve someone who is loyal and has a backbone - and I hope you can recover from this and move on, and meet someone who treats you really well.

I hope I don't sound sanctimonious, but spirits won't take the pain, just delay it and make it worse. Absorb the pain and tell yourself the pain won't last forever and everything will get better.

I hope your dc are ok, they will need you close to them too

I’m not a big drinker. I’ve only had a couple.
Tbh I think after the day I’ve had I’m allowed one night of wallowing in alcohol

Hello, @The6thQueen, and we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources.
You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected]

Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

Look after yourself.

Oh honey, please be careful because straight after a break up 'wallowing in alcohol' is usually the precursor to 'unblocking him and doing dumb shit in alcohol'

Do you have someone else who can come and be with you?

I wasn't being nasty I wondered because you've put up with the alcoholism for so long and I've known it turn people as the whole thing is normalized if that makes sense.

I think youre well shot of him, he sounds like a carcrash tbh.

The6thQueen, I’m so sorry. It is awful.

Your husband is broken at his core.

I’ve been there.

It does get better. You do heal. You do get stronger. Right now you need to detach. I know that’s easier said than done but you need to prioritise your health and well being and that of your lovely children. I’m glad you’ve blocked his number, now withdraw.

I don’t know what the next few months will bring for you, and your marriage but I do know that whatever happens you need to focus on healing YOU. That may mean counselling as you will be struggling with ptsd and trauma.

Do what you need to do to help. I read a lot around affair psychology. I joined a recovery forum. I watched videos. I internalised that my husbands behaviour was not my fault and nothing to do with our marriage which was a happy one.

I promise you will get stronger if you do YOU. Huge hug!

I know you weren’t being nasty @Closetbeanmuncher I’m just lashing out. I’m sorry

Thanks @LivMumsnet, I do have support in real life and am leaning on it heavily.

No one to come round tonight, but called a friend and she listened. My lovely dad also popped in (for sun hats for the children) and ended up staying to let me offload.

I’m not drinking excessively, nor am I taking him back. I need time for me, to work out what I want. I do understand that.

I just want to be able to sleep for a bit tonight.

Just a handhold from me. Been there. It does get better. 💐

Hugs it’s tough living with an alcoholic with other problems my ex, but you come first. Glad you’ve got support, drink isn’t the way either.

Jesus christ, the OP is allowed to have a few drinks!

She's reassured us she's not a problem drinker, now can we all let it go, please.

Thanks @33feethighandrising

I don't think anyone was implying the OP had a booze problem? You don't have to be a problem drinker to be four tequilas in and texting him calling him a POS whilst losing your mascara - it can be par for the course. Break ups are really shitty, this guy sounds beyond shitty, and no one wants the OP to end up feeling any more shitty.