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Original poster

6thqueen cheating thread

103 replies

The6thQueen · 13/07/2021 13:45

Thanks all for your advice on the other thread. It was suggested I start a new one for support as the old was about sending messages to OW husband

For info I found out about the affair on 20th April, she’s a work colleague, known her for years, it had been going on about 8 weeks. They were in ‘love’, etc etc. He told me it was escapism, he was a mess etc. He’s an alcoholic with a number of MH problems (PTSD and anxiety). We decided to work on things.
He left his job with her to start a new one three weeks later. He asked her for advice about his goodbye email and asked her to come to the quiz for his leaving (online). I lost my shit, turns out they’d been calling each other, but that this was it etc etc (I’m such a fool).
He’s been a mess as it all started at work and they both had a disciplinary hearing for being caught kissing at work. They are NHS, pandemic is on, should have declared rela etc. I stood by him and supported him through this until his hearing last week. It’s been utter shit. But I supported him and put my stresses to one side to help him.
Last night we had bit of a row - I was upset and struggling with hurt and betrayal etc. Went out for a walk at 9.30pm to clear my head, came home and went to bed.
Long story short, she had been scheduled into a meeting with him two weeks or so ago. She had emailed him via work to tell him. He told her not a good plan, she rang him, they talked and she asked him to set up an email account so they could see how each other was in the future. He said no. Never told any of this to me or our therapist. Last night, after our row, he set up the email and sent her the details via work.
If I hadn’t realised something was wrong (he’d taken my phone charger for his work phone, something he never does) they would have been merrily messaging each other and the EA would have all started again.

I’m such a mess. He’s gone, but I’m hurting so much and feel such a fool

OP posts:
Noshowlomo · 13/07/2021 15:33

@ChargingBuck you are 100% correct.
OP this man is a f-ing loser..!

1forAll74 · 13/07/2021 15:35

A cheat, a liar, a drinker , unreliable, no respect for you,and very weak minded, that's a great profile for a man.. NOT!
Good wishes, for better times ahead .

Gingerkittykat · 13/07/2021 15:41

Everything is really raw right now but I promise you that you and your DC will be ok.

Feel free to cry and rant here, lean on your parents and talk to your therapist.

Stillfunny · 13/07/2021 15:50

So sorry you are going through this. It is horrible. You have nothing to be ashamed of , it is a normal reaction to make an attempt to preserve your family unit. But really , all the things you have said here , suggests that he is completely unworthy of you . It hurts now and that is normal too. Grieve for the loss of your life plan. Then , protect yourself financially and with help , you will be OK .

Twoforthree · 13/07/2021 15:51

So you have a house each that you can afford?

lastcall · 13/07/2021 16:22

He's doubled down on being a cheating twat and has other assorted issues, including alcoholism. You're well rid, even though it will be painful to go through the separation process. Your kids deserve stability; he''s not bringing that to the table.

Original poster
The6thQueen · 13/07/2021 16:48

I’ve tried talking to him, he’s an utter knob. I’ve blocked his number now

OP posts:
Original poster
The6thQueen · 13/07/2021 16:49

I don’t want to be alone, it frightens me and I do love who I thought he was

OP posts:
Original poster
The6thQueen · 13/07/2021 16:49

I am hurting - but have moments of knowing I’m worth more, now is one of them. Although I’m sure I’ll crash again in a few minutes.

OP posts:
Original poster
The6thQueen · 13/07/2021 16:49

Thank you all for standing beside me

OP posts:
AWiseWomanOnceSaidFuckThisShit · 13/07/2021 16:53

The absolute micro second another woman is on the scene - be it physical, love, sexting, EA, whatever - it's 100% over. There are many trials and tribulations a couple can face but another woman... nope. Be gone. The faith will never return. Ever.

I'm sorry this has happened to you x

JovialNickname · 13/07/2021 16:53

We are all Team Queen here x

PinkyPunkyHairdoo · 13/07/2021 16:57

We are all virtually holding your hand.

You've got this Flowers

PyongyangKipperbang · 13/07/2021 16:57

Sweetie, I am another one who has been there and it will get better, I promise.

Each day you will hurt a teeny bit less and then one day you will realise that you havent thought about it at all for a while and more than that....that you dont care anymore and are happy that he is no longer in your life. You will realise that the man you thought he was never existed, just dont let him back in when he tries to convince you to take him back. I did, and lived in hell for another 5 years before I finally got shot of him and had to go through the pain all over again.

These are the hardest times, I remember them so well but you WILL get through.

Original poster
The6thQueen · 13/07/2021 17:01

I don’t want to be alive right now

OP posts:
Worldwide2 · 13/07/2021 17:04

Pls don't say that you have everything to live for. Your have a whole life waiting for you which you can live without him.
Trust me how you feel right now it will pass. You think you can't do this but you can and you will.

MintMatchmaker · 13/07/2021 17:04

You may want him, but you don't need him. You will be perfectly capable of functioning without him, however much pain you are in right now.

He's a cheating alcoholic. I bet you are back on here in the months to come telling us how much better your life is without him in it.

You will be okay.

Original poster
The6thQueen · 13/07/2021 17:11

I can’t do this

OP posts:
Original poster
The6thQueen · 13/07/2021 17:12

I’m trying, but I love him so much

OP posts:
Baileys123 · 13/07/2021 17:24

It will come in waves Flowers

ChargingBuck · 13/07/2021 17:29

@The6thQueen

I don’t want to be alive right now
I understand that - but this is an example of feelings not being facts. (I banged on about this upthread somewhere).

You DO want to be alive, because you have children.
You know this.
Hang on to that fact, while the feeling passes - which it will.

It's not a pleasant rollercoaster ride, but unlike a rollercoaster - it actually gets you somewhere in the end.
One of the things you are going to gain is the knowledge that you can be alone, & that it's a darn sight nicer life than being enmeshed with a cheating alcoholic :)

ChargingBuck · 13/07/2021 17:38

@The6thQueen

I’m trying, but I love him so much
This too will pass.

You feel like you love him, but do you? When the fact is - he is not the man you thought/hoped/imagined he was.

"but I love him so much" is a very standard refrain of the cheated on or abused.
Try not to dwell on it, & if it starts to overwhelm you, remember that much of what we term 'love' is often habit, fear of being 'alone' (with kids?!!), or a dread of a change in 'status'. It's also sometimes bullshit, peddled by society as a control mechanism, & by the romance industry for cash.

What exactly about this man, as he currently presents himself, is lovable?
If you had never met him until today, & knew that he was an alcoholic adulterer, would you date him?
I seriously hope not.
Also - have a look at this (because there is much more behind the story of his MH & anxiety issues, & I suspect that he has been manipulating you with them) - cptsdfoundation.org/2019/11/22/recognizing-and-breaking-a-trauma-bond/

& - when you feel up to it - give yourself some time for quiet reflection on the nature of genuine love, & how it differs from a trauma bond.

TheOnlyKoiInAPondOfGoldfish · 13/07/2021 18:13

@The6thQueen

I’m trying, but I love him so much
you love who you thought he was. I know that feeling. Divorced over 10yrs now and every now and then I find old photos and remember loving who he was then / who I thought he was. Married for over 25yrs

Then I meet him at some family event with our dc and, believe me, I now see him for who he is now and I thank the universe that the OW came along when she did.

You will get to that point, most of us do. You may even be able to look back and say there were good times, but the life you have now is better than the life you would have had with the person he had become.

It's very raw, be kind to yourself, it will pass.

EvenRosesHaveThorns · 13/07/2021 18:29

You're currently going through a kind of bereavement and boy, it is rough, but you will look back in the passing of time and be filled with relief.

layladomino · 13/07/2021 19:28

I'm so sorry, this must be so hard for you. There is unfortunately no quick solution, no easy pass to get you through to the other side. And the road is a bumpy one. Some days you feel rock bottom, other days you feel really optimistic. But the general trend will be upwards.

From what you have told us of him, from an objective point of view, you are much better off without him. It won't always feel like that to you right now, but in time I think you will.

And you will be glad that you were strong and determined and did the right thing. Life will be so much better in the future. With your lovely DC, and without a man you can't trust, and who would treat you with so little respect.

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