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Relationships

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Original poster

Do you share my mother's view on sex?

124 replies

ciabatta · 12/07/2021 11:48

Hi everyone. I am 19. Not a mum but want to ask the opinion of parents who might share the same perspective as my mum.

I am currently in a same sex relationship with a woman. We met at university. I identify and live as male but I don't think that's too important to this story. In the past I have had some bad or unhealthy sexual experiences, starting from around 10 years old, which affected my self esteem and relationships. For the first time in my life I have been able to have loving, healthy, satisfying sex with my girlfriend. We have been together for 6 months now.

My mum, who I always thought was very laid back, is now telling me she thinks it's too early in the relationship for me to be having sex. She's telling me it's immoral. I don't know all the details but I know my mum was also having sex at this age and younger. She had a strained relationship with her own mother because she was so rebellious. She got a divorce, had kids before getting married, has pursued a married man on one occasion (that I know of) and had one night stands. I don't see my mum as an immoral person but a human being, whereas she seems to think I'm in the wrong for having sex with my girlfriend. She doesn't want my girlfriend coming round even really to get to know her. I thought it might be a bit of homophobia but firstly my mum is notorious for hating any kind of guests in her home, and she also was completely accepting of me being transgender when I came out 7 years ago.

I was barely ever allowed friends around and told not to use the toilet at night my entire life because it would "make too much noise"... I understand she is like this but her comments on my relationship and morals have really upset me, especially when my girlfriend is lovely, polite, respectful, and has visibly helped me gain confidence and happiness. She also said she doesn't want my little brothers seeing "inappropriate behaviour" (the most inappropriate thing I have done around them is put my arm around my girlfriend).

What are your thoughts on this? Is my mum being really hypocritical and/or old fashioned? She wants to me to live with her next year while I go to uni (I live very close) so I can help her out financially, but I'm not sure I want to if she's going to try to control what I do in my relationship.

P.S, my nan who is almost 80 years old is more relaxed about my girlfriend coming round than my mum!

OP posts:

YarnOver · 12/07/2021 11:53

You haven't said how early into this relationship it is that you have started having sex or wish to start having sex. Knowing that is important for anyone to be able to give an opinion.

This said your mother does sound very controlling, you should live where you want when you go to uni, rather than being made to live at home so you can help out financially. Student fees etc are absolutely massive these days so I'm not sure that you helping your mom out financially on top of this is fair!

username18702 · 12/07/2021 11:54

My thoughts are that you're 19, you're an adult and you need to stop telling her personal information about your sex life. If she's homophobic then keep away from her. Move away.

Aquamarine1029 · 12/07/2021 11:55

Your mother is entitled to her opinion, I feel she is wrong, as you do. Therefore, you live your life according to your own values.

As far as your living arrangements, it's her home and her rules. If you know this is going to be a problem you need to find another place to live.

DinaofCloud9 · 12/07/2021 11:56

Stop telling her about your sex life if you don't want her opinion on it.

YarnOver · 12/07/2021 11:59

Also you're 19. I personally wouldn't be telling someone, who told you you couldn't go to the toilet in the night, about your sex life. It's not her business who and when you sleep with someone, you're an adult. I'd move out and stay out - live your life.

Original poster

ciabatta · 12/07/2021 11:59

I now feel the need to clarify that I haven't once told my mum I've been having sex with my girlfriend. She assumes, because she knows we've slept in the same bed (only one bed at uni, etc.)

OP posts:

cindarellasbelly · 12/07/2021 12:00

I don't think you'll find many people who would think six months into a monogomous relationship was too early for two 19 year olds to be having sex, to be honest, though I'm sure some people would hold that view (my friend's parents felt she should be engaged, and I knew some people in uni who wanted to be in a relationship for a year, but that was a minority view and that was 20 years ago).

I think its interesting you've put in the history of you being trans, and you having a history of poor sexual choices, as I wouldn't automatically see the first as being relevant and I think its interesting you think they both are. You talk about 'bad or unhealthy sexual experiences' - I think depending on the person, if I was the parent of a child who had a history of bad or unhealthy sexual choices I might worry about them rushing into a sexual relationship, but then I don't personally imagine six months is rushing. Having said that, if your girlfriend is a lot older, or she thinks she can see some coercion going on, that might be different - but in that case you wouldn't say it was immoral.

That being said, I'm not sure where I stand on all boyfriends/girlfriends being allowed stay overnight with younger siblings. I think there can be a bit of parental discretion there. But it sounds like your mother is being unusually conservative.

Original poster

ciabatta · 12/07/2021 12:00

I never actually told her I was having sex, she just knows we've shared a bed often and assumes we are having sex.

OP posts:

Beamur · 12/07/2021 12:00

There's nothing immoral in having a sexual relationship at your age. Religion can alter how you view that but that's a view they're entitled to but you don't have to share or feel shamed by.
10 is a very young age to have had any sexual experience. Have you had support for the bad/unhealthy situations you found yourself in?
Fwiw I don't think living with your Mum sounds like a great idea. This is time to spread your wings.

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 12/07/2021 12:00

Of course it is not immoral for a 19 year old to have sex! Honestly your mum sounds quite abusive and I would not even consider moving back in with her. Its very common for homophobic parents to be very supportive of their gay children being trans - its less of a 'sin' in their eyes. Which is utterly wrong of course. In my view there is no such thing as living as a man or living as a woman. Male or female is just the type of body you have, and you can live and love anyway you want with that body there is no right or wrong way to be yourself. Your partner sounds lovely, protect her and your relationship from your damaged judgemental mum - distance yourself, dont get any closer! Live your one wonderful life to the fullest x

username18702 · 12/07/2021 12:01

@ciabatta

I now feel the need to clarify that I haven't once told my mum I've been having sex with my girlfriend. She assumes, because she knows we've slept in the same bed (only one bed at uni, etc.)

Unless she has spy cameras above your bed, you told her she was sleeping in your bed. Don't discuss her with your mother, then you won't have to hear her views. Get a house share with others your age and move out.

Original poster

ciabatta · 12/07/2021 12:02

I don't think it matters when we started having sex because while I would agree that we could have waited, the point is that we're six months in NOW. Is it still too early? At 6 months?

OP posts:

FootieFever22 · 12/07/2021 12:03

I was barely ever allowed friends around and told not to use the toilet at night my entire life because it would "make too much noise"

Wow, that's actually abusive.

I would never ever ever telly daughter not to use the toilet at night if she needs to. What's she supposed to do - be uncomfortable all night with a full.bladder? Give herself urine infections holding a full bladder, ... Did she give you an alternative like a bedpan (not that that wouldn't be weird)?

That's cruel/abusive.

AnoymousCoward · 12/07/2021 12:04

I never actually discussed my sex life with my parents. How is it any of their business? (Though, when older, I had children, so they may have guessed )

It does sound as though your mum is homophobic though, I'm sorry. It seems a bit weird to be homophobic when she was ok with you identifying as male... but personally I think one of the reasons so many young people are identifying as trans is because their parents are more accepting of being'born in the wrong body' i.e. a medical condition than they are of their child being gay or bi. That must be very hard for you, and I hope you have good friends around you that can give the support she isn't able to.

FWIW, I slept with DH the first time we got together...more than 25 years ago. Length into relationship has no bearing on whether it's right for each of you.

username18702 · 12/07/2021 12:05

NO OP. Have sex the first night you meet her. It's up to you. There's no 'normal' when it comes to your sexual relationships. What isn't normal is discussing it with your mother. People don't discuss their sex lives with their mothers.

FootieFever22 · 12/07/2021 12:05

Not having friends around is pretty shitty too - you need friends and playmates and people who don't allow their kids to have friends around sometimes (an equal amount to them being in their friends houses) are unreasonable.
She sounds like she didn't want to be bothered by anything .. to the extent she was actually a shit parent, esp the toilet at night thing.

Original poster

ciabatta · 12/07/2021 12:06

I included my history because I think it affects how important this relationship and healthy sex life is to me after it's preciously not been so good. I included me being trans because she accepted that, so it doesn't really make sense for her to be homophobic, although I often get that sense. I do think she would completely accept a gay child but she isn't a huge fan of thinking about the way it works.

Thank you for your comment, it was pretty insightful. My girlfriend is the same age, so I don't think my mum is worried about any coercion. She honestly thinks it's wrong for me to be having sex after "only" 6 months in a relationship.

OP posts:

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 12/07/2021 12:06

She wants to me to live with her next year while I go to uni (I live very close) so I can help her out financially

Hahahaha NOPE. You do NOT want to waste your money giving financial support to a bigoted old hypocrite, and waste your precious energy defending your perfectly normal sex life.

You said you came out as trans 7 years ago, so you were 11 or 12? I am guessing that at that time she may have been supportive because it was quite academic back then - but now it's all become a lot more real and in her face, and her internal transphobia/homophobia is coming out.

The only thing is... You said that you are in a sand sex relationship with a woman. But then you say you're male. Bit confusing? If you're living as male then I wouldn't consider it as a same sex relationship, and describing it as that to people might be a bit of a head fuck.

Tbh I think 19 is an excellent time to move out of home and you may find your relationship with your mum gets easier when you're not in each others space all the time.

FootieFever22 · 12/07/2021 12:07

People don't discuss their sex lives with their mothers.

What a massive and incorrect generalisation.

Everyone's different and some do.

In ops case however her mother sounds like a bit if shit parent and it would probably be best not to discuss your sex life with her.

VeryQuaintIrene · 12/07/2021 12:07

It really is none of her business. End of. It wasn't clear to me from what you said what your living situation is, but if you are still living at home, I hope you can move out soon and focus on your own happiness without her silly judgmental comments.

LizzieSiddal · 12/07/2021 12:08

Gosh there’s a lot going on here.

You’re 19 and allowed to have sex with whoever you wish, as long as it’s consensual.

This stuck out for me In the past I have had some bad or unhealthy sexual experiences, starting from around 10 years old, which affected my self esteem and relationships.
Sorry you had those experience, no 10 year old should be having “sexual experiences”. You obviously don’t need to go into details here but have you spoken to anyone about these experiences?

FootieFever22 · 12/07/2021 12:09

She honestly thinks it's wrong for me to be having sex after "only" 6 months in a relationship.

I'd say it's fairly uncommon for any couple, same sex or opposite sex, to not be having sex within 6 months of going out.

The only people I know who wouldn't be are deeply religious.

Your mum sounds like a fruit loop, sorry.

Original poster

ciabatta · 12/07/2021 12:10

I understand it may be a bit confusing. But we aren't having heterosexual sex and we both have the same body parts, so I consider it "same sex." My mum also has seen me grow up as a female so to her she may subconsciously see it as a "lesbian" relationship despite me presenting as male. I didn't want to draw attention to my identity where it wasn't relevant or wind up any transphobes when it's not relevant to my question. Thanks for being so kind, though!

OP posts:

FootieFever22 · 12/07/2021 12:11

@LizzieSiddal

Gosh there’s a lot going on here.

You’re 19 and allowed to have sex with whoever you wish, as long as it’s consensual.

It stick out for me too.

What on earth happened?

Where was your mother when these things were happening to you?

LizzieSiddal · 12/07/2021 12:11

If you're living as male then I wouldn't consider it as a same sex relationship, and describing it as that to people might be a bit of a head fuck.

No, as a 19 year old female, (although “living as a male” the OP is still female)who is in a relationship with another female, she is in a same sex relationship. The OP has not changed sex, that is impossible.

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