Do you share my mother's view on sex?

[ciabatta]

Hi everyone. I am 19. Not a mum but want to ask the opinion of parents who might share the same perspective as my mum.

I am currently in a same sex relationship with a woman. We met at university. I identify and live as male but I don't think that's too important to this story. In the past I have had some bad or unhealthy sexual experiences, starting from around 10 years old, which affected my self esteem and relationships. For the first time in my life I have been able to have loving, healthy, satisfying sex with my girlfriend. We have been together for 6 months now.

My mum, who I always thought was very laid back, is now telling me she thinks it's too early in the relationship for me to be having sex. She's telling me it's immoral. I don't know all the details but I know my mum was also having sex at this age and younger. She had a strained relationship with her own mother because she was so rebellious. She got a divorce, had kids before getting married, has pursued a married man on one occasion (that I know of) and had one night stands. I don't see my mum as an immoral person but a human being, whereas she seems to think I'm in the wrong for having sex with my girlfriend. She doesn't want my girlfriend coming round even really to get to know her. I thought it might be a bit of homophobia but firstly my mum is notorious for hating any kind of guests in her home, and she also was completely accepting of me being transgender when I came out 7 years ago.

I was barely ever allowed friends around and told not to use the toilet at night my entire life because it would "make too much noise"... I understand she is like this but her comments on my relationship and morals have really upset me, especially when my girlfriend is lovely, polite, respectful, and has visibly helped me gain confidence and happiness. She also said she doesn't want my little brothers seeing "inappropriate behaviour" (the most inappropriate thing I have done around them is put my arm around my girlfriend).

What are your thoughts on this? Is my mum being really hypocritical and/or old fashioned? She wants to me to live with her next year while I go to uni (I live very close) so I can help her out financially, but I'm not sure I want to if she's going to try to control what I do in my relationship.

P.S, my nan who is almost 80 years old is more relaxed about my girlfriend coming round than my mum!

I was going to ask if you wanted your girlfriend to stay over and if yes YABU, your mum's jhouse her rules.

But you say you moved in with her to help her financially, and if you're paying rent then you should be able to decide if you can have GF over.

I think you should move out as your mum sounds toxic, her financial situation is not your responsibility and you should also get counselling to help with the the abuse you experienced as a child.

I'm ignoring the transgender point as it's not really relevant.

I’m not surprised at your update. I posted just before it and predicted that your childhood was dysfunctional and that your sexual experiences would be tied up in that.

As a pp just said, even though your relationship sounds good now, if you don’t get counselling, it may all come back to bite you on the bum in later life.
You do sound switched on. Enjoy that satisfying sex life. Don’t flaunt the sex (advice the same to any 19 year old within their family) but don’t be afraid to show the relationship and affection to the outside world, including to your siblings.

Get that counselling, if not now then sooner rather than later. The uni would be a great place to start asking for support.

You aren't doing anything wrong. Sex at 19 between two consenting adults is completely normal - and dare I say it - good! You've got to begin the process of physical and emotional attachment to someone to learn who you want to be with long term. Without going the whole hog, how can you know? Get that learning in, in all ways.

Your DM sounds a handful and hurtful. You're far too kind and thoughtful for her.

She may also be projecting her own insecurities about the wild youth she had which presumably didn't bring her happiness. Perhaps she's worried you'll have a baby and hate it as much as she did.

Of course that's not going to happen. Her past is not your future.

I'd not live with her again. Mothers are only mothers via blood line. Just because you share DNA doesn't mean that you need to give her endless chances and kindness. Create some boundaries and stick to them so that your relationship has a real chance to survive and thrive.

You are a 19 year old adult, it’s not immoral to have consensual sex with anyone whenever you want relationship or not.
It sounds like you have had a very abusive up bringing and it’s made you want to seek approval from others. Because of that I would urge you to be cautious about partners because it’s easy to fall in to familiar patterns of behaviour. Move away from your mother (not in with a partner) go low contact and work on finding what genuinely makes you happy, prioritise yourself. You don’t need your mum and when you did she wasn’t there for you. You owe her nothing!

There are some Christians (and other religious believers) who believe it is unacceptable to have sex outside marriage.

Whatever.

Your mother doesn't have the right to direct your sex life. It's a shock sometimes when young adult children start having sex - though obviously, parents do know it's going to happen. No matter how uncomfortable it makes their parents, young people still like a shag.

Do have some therapy. Leave your mother's beliefs behind and work out your own. Be happy.

Having just read your last update: no, don't move back in with your mum. I think that would be a disaster for you. You can maintain a positive relationship with her, help her out with cash if you can afford it, make sure she's getting all the benefits she's entitled to, etc etc - but you shouldn't move back in with her.

@ciabatta

An update for everyone: I didn't expect to receive this many responses! You have almost all expressed genuine concern and advice for me which I really appreciate.

Addressing a few points -

"Have you had therapy for your sexual experiences?" No, I haven't. I'm not sure it would be worth dredging it all up after I finally feel I've moved on. As to what happened, if you are curious, I was taken advantage of or pressured into sex and sexual contact by various boys for most of my teen life starting at around 10. I would describe only one of these many encounters as non consensual, but it all damaged my self esteem as I felt this was all I had to offer anyone. I am doing fine and I feel very lucky to be able to move past my experiences.

"Does your mum know about this?" - No. I've never told my family.

"Your mum sounds abusive" - What I have described here is only the half of it, but my childhood was grim. She hated me because I was the child of a violent, abusive ex. As a result, I was ignored completely, insulted, mocked, told I was unworthy of love, from as early as I can remember. Another thing that affected my relationships and self esteem.

"Why are you even considering moving back in?!" - I wanted to help her financially. She currently has to work two jobs, and the reasonable rent I would be giving her would help her a lot. Our relationship has improved massively and she no longer has the same power over me as she used to. When she apologised to me for the way she treated me as a child, I knew I had the choice to cut contact, or move on. I chose to move on. She's flawed, but she's still my mum.

"Is your mum religious?" - She considers herself Christian but she has never expressed or pushed a religious view on any of us.

"What gender are you??????" - I regret mentioning my identity because it seems to have confused the matter. I am a transgender man dating a woman, but I consider my relationship to be same sex due to us having the same anatomy. I don't really wish to debate the issue of being transgender. I respect anyone's civil opinion on the matter and won't rise to any bait. Don't worry about me "cancelling" you, but I can't speak for anyone else on the thread who may find your views offensive.

I will continue to read all of your comments and appreciate everyone's perspective. I guess the reason I asked the question was mainly to work out if it is considered normal and acceptable for two 19 year olds in a 6 month relationship to be having sex. Judging my your comments, that is very normal. Therefore, I feel better about what my mum said, because I did stop to wonder if maybe I was behaving without morals.

Thank you all, especially for the kind words!

you seem to have really considered everything including trans issues so you dont appear to need any 'advice' re that. Some parents would rather think their child was trans than gay so accepting of trans does rule out homophobia. I would definitely not move back in with your mom as she is so negative about perfectly normal choices. You sound like you are in a lovely relationship and at university so I suggest for the moment your really spend your time and emotions on this and maybe have a lot less contact with your mom. This should be a happy time for you after lots of struggles. Time to focus on yourself and your new adult life. Your mom seems to have a lot of issues - perhaps she could seek counselling. You are not the one with the problem. Enjoy yourself! life has enough hard times as you know.

Some parents would rather think their child was trans than gay so accepting of trans does rule out homophobia.

Not true at all!

You’re 19 so you decide. End of

Someone I knew well was lesbian. Her mother was fine with it...while she was single. But when she had a partner, thus making it 'real' and therefore it also would have been obvious she was in a same sex relationship to relatives, friends, neighbours, colleagues etc. her mother went ape shit. And had nothing to do with her for years.
Until she needed help [financial] herself of course].

Your mother sounds controlling and abusive and not particularly self aware. Certainly to move in with her would be a massive mistake. Her financial situation is not for you to sort out. She is an adult, with a job and can deal with solutions to her problems herself.

Live your life, enjoy your relationship. Be independent. This is your life, your time. Do not put your mother above your chance of lasting happiness or risk resentment building in your relationship. Your g/f wants to be with you, is only human though and not someone for your mother to reject, judge, hurt or have influence over.

I say this as someone who has let go of adult sons, let them fly and be who they want to be and with who they want to be with. They owe me nothing, my problems aren't their issue. I'm here if they are in trouble or want to talk about anything and to support them. Which should be your mothers role, don't live through her or her own view of life [which I think is pretty skewed thinking].

I wouldn't worry too much about what's 'normal' for other 19 years olds. There are so many variables that 'normal' is irrelevant. Worry about what feels right to you.

There is nothing immoral or wrong about sex between consenting adults. If you and your girlfriend are happy with the timing, that is all that matters.

Your Mum's weird and you're both 19 and very keen on each other. Plus, you're both biologically female, the chances of any significant downsides to you shagging are very slim.

And I'm probably older than your Mum.

What do you know about your Mum's childhood? I'm not saying go psychoanalyze her with all guns blazing, but pretty often a good look at someone's upbringing sheds a lot of light on why they are how they are.

I wonder if your mum just doesn’t like your girlfriend for some unknown reason so doesn’t want you to get in too deep, otherwise it’s a bit weird.

If your mum knows about your history of CSA, then maybe she is just reacting in a weird over-protective way? I can imagine that if DS had been abused, I would never want him to be in harms way again, and I can just about extrapolate from that to being uncomfortable about him having sex at all (I don’t think that is reasonable, but I can kind of see how your mum might have got herself to that point).

If you are sure that your mum has absolutely no clue whatsoever that you were abused in any way, then she is homophobic. I can’t think of any other reason she’s object, sorry.

So much to unpick but honestly no parent wants to hear adult children having sex regardless. I’m 60, my adult children visit and stay over and no sex happening here

I think this used to be true, but not so much nowadays. I think there's a growing attitude that if you want the best for your offspring, that includes safe, healthy and fulfilling adult relationships. Think about the backlash against those t-shirts you get in America "I have a beautiful daughter...and a gun and an alibi".

OP I agree with the comments that you sound very grounded. You're 19. Get all the sex you want.

if shes going to be arsey about it, maybe reconsider whether you should move back in. To me, it sounds like you owe her nothing and she continues to make you feel lesser. Sounds like she cant help but criticise and insult you. Youd almost certainly be better off living seperatly and then you can leave easily if she starts getting all toxic.
Of course its ok to have sex with your girlfriend if thats what you both want.

It sounds like your Mum is being homophobic. I'm sorry.
Honestly I would not move back and keep her at arm's length.

I can't believe how many people on here are trying to define the OPs sexuality and telling them what they are!! For gods sake, they get to define that. Not some random on the internet. And the op is totally correct. Two female bodies having sex is a same sex thing. It is not heterosexual.

Op, you sound lovely and I'm glad you have found somebody that has made you happy. It must hurt that your mum is not being supportive and is possibly homophobic. I'm sorry for the abuse you experienced as a child. As a fellow survivor I know how much it can impact on your life long term. Good luck at uni.

It sounds like this relationship is good for you and is making you happy. Your mother sounds quite strange tbh, you say that she was very accepting of you being trans so that is a red herring imo. I think it would be a huge mistake for you to live with your mum if you can afford it get your own place.

You could have sex on the first date or 6 months into the relationship as long as you are both consenting adults then there is no issue.

Your mum seems like a control freak. And I agree with the PP that maybe seeing you with someone is making it more ‘real’. She may not even be homophobic it could be that she doesn’t like your gf or was hoping you would be with a male to have grandchildren.

No matter whether your mum is being a PITA or not, if you go back home to live with her you should recognise that

a) you won't be able to bring your gf round and have a nice evening
b) your gf won't be able to stay overnight with you
c) you will find it awkward to talk about your gf
d) your gf won't be happy with any of it
e) you won't be happy with any of it

regardless of your mother's opinions on any aspect of your life - I think you'd be making a rod for your own back if you moved in with her.

I have never said anything to my adult kids about their sex lives, or even their relationships in general. They have made what I perceive to be big mistakes, and still do, but no way on this Earth would I say anything to them. I give practical advice if it is asked for, but I do not give them my opinion about said perceived mistakes (after all, I don't know what goes on behind closed doors, I am just seeing the 'outer' part of their relationship).

I think your mum sounds controlling and slightly homophobic. Some people are fine with homosexuals - as a concept - but cannot handle it when they see homosexuals kissing etc. I don't understand it but I have seen it happen. Probably a confusion between intelligence and morals vs visceral feelings IYSWIM

Hey, if you're at uni you know that consenting sex at 19 years old is absolutely fine.