Do you share my mother's view on sex?

[ciabatta]

Hi everyone. I am 19. Not a mum but want to ask the opinion of parents who might share the same perspective as my mum.

I am currently in a same sex relationship with a woman. We met at university. I identify and live as male but I don't think that's too important to this story. In the past I have had some bad or unhealthy sexual experiences, starting from around 10 years old, which affected my self esteem and relationships. For the first time in my life I have been able to have loving, healthy, satisfying sex with my girlfriend. We have been together for 6 months now.

My mum, who I always thought was very laid back, is now telling me she thinks it's too early in the relationship for me to be having sex. She's telling me it's immoral. I don't know all the details but I know my mum was also having sex at this age and younger. She had a strained relationship with her own mother because she was so rebellious. She got a divorce, had kids before getting married, has pursued a married man on one occasion (that I know of) and had one night stands. I don't see my mum as an immoral person but a human being, whereas she seems to think I'm in the wrong for having sex with my girlfriend. She doesn't want my girlfriend coming round even really to get to know her. I thought it might be a bit of homophobia but firstly my mum is notorious for hating any kind of guests in her home, and she also was completely accepting of me being transgender when I came out 7 years ago.

I was barely ever allowed friends around and told not to use the toilet at night my entire life because it would "make too much noise"... I understand she is like this but her comments on my relationship and morals have really upset me, especially when my girlfriend is lovely, polite, respectful, and has visibly helped me gain confidence and happiness. She also said she doesn't want my little brothers seeing "inappropriate behaviour" (the most inappropriate thing I have done around them is put my arm around my girlfriend).

What are your thoughts on this? Is my mum being really hypocritical and/or old fashioned? She wants to me to live with her next year while I go to uni (I live very close) so I can help her out financially, but I'm not sure I want to if she's going to try to control what I do in my relationship.

P.S, my nan who is almost 80 years old is more relaxed about my girlfriend coming round than my mum!

Thank you for your concern, it means a lot. I feel like I've healed from these experiences (mainly by realising I can actually have a normal relationship!) but I have never spoken to anyone about it. Even my mum doesn't know about it. I think maybe if she did, she might be more understanding.

Op apologies if my last post is too blunt, I was trying to explain why you are correct to say you are in a same sex relationship.

I am probably older than your mum and have a similarly relaxed attitude to my own sex life. However, having been single most of DCs childhood I did not bring partners home unless we were in a long-term stable relationship - two long term boyfriends and one marriage over the 18 years. This was to ensure they did not feel uncomfortable. Never stayed at DMs with anyone I wasn’t married to/had booked the wedding with.

I expect my own children to exercise the same discretion and only bring home partners they are living with or planning to live with - 6 months would be very borderline.

Lots of households don’t allow flushing the loo at night, although my family always have.

You could always say, "Don't judge me by your own standards!"

I wouldn't live at home with her given the way she treats you now. It'll be hard for you to become an adult with her treating you like a child.

that’s so difficult for you if you haven’t been able to speak to anyone about those awful experiences. Do you trust your mum to speak to her about it or do you think you may be better to speak to someone who has experiences of dealing with this kind of thing. Universities often have counselling services, although I think they vary in how good they are.

You've obviously had a lot to work through, bit it sounds as though you're in a good place now. Don't change that by moving back home!

I'd always advise people to move into independent accommodation (if financially doable) for university even if attending in the same town simply because the lifestyle is so different to most people's home lives, and they need that independence.

Good luck

Could there be something in your past trauma that leads you to seek approval from your mum for your sexual choices? Because the only thing that's not 'normal' here is that you are worried about her opinions around who/when you have sex.

You're 19. Have sex with whoever you want, with joy (as long as it's consensual, of course). I wouldn't have given a moment's thought to my mum's opinion about when I was having sex! Own your choices, you're an adult - and if that's difficult for you, it might be worth exploring why?

There's a lot going on for you. I'm happy that you're in a healthy relationship with someone who accepts you as you are. Your description of yourself and your relationship is very honest.
One thing I would be wary of is this relationship becoming too invested in being the one that has healed you. That's a lot to put on another person.
You shouldn't compare yourself to your Mum and neither should she.
You get to live your life your own way.

Listen, you can identify as a male, female, non-binary or whatever you like. You are 19 and nobody is entitled to lecture you about how and when you should have sex. You are happy and that is what matters. Tell your mum you are not going to discuss your sex life with her and won't tolerate beinfg lectured on the subject. It is none of her business

@cindarellasbelly

I don't think you'll find many people who would think six months into a monogomous relationship was too early for two 19 year olds to be having sex, to be honest, though I'm sure some people would hold that view (my friend's parents felt she should be engaged, and I knew some people in uni who wanted to be in a relationship for a year, but that was a minority view and that was 20 years ago).

I think its interesting you've put in the history of you being trans, and you having a history of poor sexual choices, as I wouldn't automatically see the first as being relevant and I think its interesting you think they both are. You talk about 'bad or unhealthy sexual experiences' - I think depending on the person, if I was the parent of a child who had a history of bad or unhealthy sexual choices I might worry about them rushing into a sexual relationship, but then I don't personally imagine six months is rushing. Having said that, if your girlfriend is a lot older, or she thinks she can see some coercion going on, that might be different - but in that case you wouldn't say it was immoral.

That being said, I'm not sure where I stand on all boyfriends/girlfriends being allowed stay overnight with younger siblings. I think there can be a bit of parental discretion there. But it sounds like your mother is being unusually conservative.

The OP talks about unhealthy sexual experiences from age 10 and you have referred twice to these as being unhealthy CHOICES!!! WTF!!

Stop and engage your brain. Do you know many 10 yr olds who make healthy consensual sexual choices?

Well she could have changed her views based on her own experiences so hypocrisy might not be the only explanation. She might also view you as a little more vulnerable than your chronological age if she is aware of your experiences so young. She might equally not have your best interests at heart.

No mum is ever going to give their kid permission to have sex even if they are 35 and have never had a traumatic sexual experience. Not going to happen. They might do it in a roundabout way (eg allow sleepovers) but they are never going to say 'I think it's a good idea if you start to have sex'.

Equally anyone who describes consensual sex as 'immoral' doesn't get to have an opinion on an adult's sex life.

So basically if you're genuinely worried that your sexual choices are inappropriate you need to talk to someone else about it.

I don't understand your comments on homophobia because if you are trans and live as a male, then you are in a male-female relationship.

Are you a gay woman or a woman now behaving and living as a man? Do you plan to follow through and have hormonal treatment and surgery?

1 , it’s nothing to do with anyone who and how you have sex.
2, you’re over 18 you can do what you want .
3, tell your mum to keep her nose out!

There's no length of time that's the "right" one to start having sex. There are probably a lot of complicated things going on in your mum's mind, but you are an adult and have a right to make your own decisions.

Big hugs to you for having gone through your past difficulties. Don't be afraid to reach out for help on this, whether that's counselling or whatever ... it can take a long time to process anything around sexual abuse and relationships are complicated anyway. I hope you continue to heal and thrive.

I don't feel the need to disclose details of my sexuality or life choices, but I am outwardly viewed as a man and identify as male, but accept that I have a female body (breasts, vagina, etc) and consider my relationship to be same sex (because we both have the same body parts). I can still experience homophobia because my relationship is same sex. My mum may still view me dating women as a lesbian thing, even though she accepts I am presenting and living in society as a man.

Leaving aside the trans side of the situation, I can't really see your mum's point of view. But I wonder if the sexual abuse you experienced as a child has made you vulnerable and whilst you say you haven't told your mum - maybe she somehow senses this vulnerability (perhaps doesn't even know why) and wants to protect you?

Protecting you in this situation may be inappropriate but the feeling might come from a good place rather than homophobia? Obviously you know your mum better than we do. Just something to consider.

It sounds like your mum has some issues of her own with the toilet noises etc.

So personally, I'd advise you don't engage with it, and move out ASAP.

Sex is never immoral between two consenting adults.

You do what feels right for you and your partner and tell your Mother you do not wish to discuss your sex life whenever she brings it up. You have nothing to be ashamed about - sex is great, regardless of if it is a one night stand or a long term relationship as long as all parties stay safe and honest with one another.

It sounds as if your mother is projecting a lot of her own regret and dissatisfaction with her own life and conduct onto you. There's also a suggestion that she has some issues with your sexuality/gender identification. You also clearly have been a victim of predatory sexual behaviour as a child. You don't say if your mother was aware of or involved in this so I won't comment on her culpability or otherwise here, but if she is aware of this she likely feels guilty about it.

Your mother is the problem, not you. A 19 year old is an adult and able to make their own decisions about sex. As long as you are not under her roof it is none of her business.

I would advise you to put some distance between you and her and I think you would probably benefit from some counselling, if you haven't had any, to work through what's happened to you as a child.

To be frank, it sounds as if your life would be vastly improved by having less contact with your mother. You have done nothing wrong.

There’s a lot going on there, but to answer your specific question, the overwhelming majority of British women under the age of sixty would think that it’s fine for two nineteen year olds who’ve been in a relationship for six months to be having sex.

You didn't say how old your mum is. I'm assuming you're looking for responses from mums in a similar demographic.
I'm old enough to be your mother and no, I don't agree with her.
At 19, you are more than old enough to have a sexual relationship and to make your own choices.
As a ten year old, you weren't. I'm so sorry that happened to you. It sounds (I hope) as if you're beginning to heal from that.
As a mum, I'd be concerned for my 19yo if their relationship appeared abusive or coercive, but your relationship sounds like neither of those things.
It's difficult to pinpoint what your mother's motivation is. It could be homophobia, as others have pointed out. Perhaps she's used to seeing you as a child, and not ready to see you as an adult in your own right and is being overprotective, especially if she's worried that your past experiences may make you vulnerable.
Whatever it is, 19 is old enough for you to make your own choices about relationships and sex. How early (or late) you choose to have sex is entirely down to what's right for the individual. Clearly, you feel that this was right for you and you're happy with that choice. That's what's important.

You're 19, having consensual sex in what you describe as a happy relationship .
Your sex life is none of your mother's business.

I,agree with pp that possibly she is projecting her own issues, but that is her problem, not yours.

Your 19, your sex life and relationships are not any one else’s business. (Although as parent, they may try to intervene if they feel their child is in danger, but this is not the case with you) so she should keep her nose out.

No way would I move back, not under those circumstances...why would you want to go backwards and be treated like a 10 year old again!?