Do you share my mother's view on sex?

[ciabatta]

Hi everyone. I am 19. Not a mum but want to ask the opinion of parents who might share the same perspective as my mum.

I am currently in a same sex relationship with a woman. We met at university. I identify and live as male but I don't think that's too important to this story. In the past I have had some bad or unhealthy sexual experiences, starting from around 10 years old, which affected my self esteem and relationships. For the first time in my life I have been able to have loving, healthy, satisfying sex with my girlfriend. We have been together for 6 months now.

My mum, who I always thought was very laid back, is now telling me she thinks it's too early in the relationship for me to be having sex. She's telling me it's immoral. I don't know all the details but I know my mum was also having sex at this age and younger. She had a strained relationship with her own mother because she was so rebellious. She got a divorce, had kids before getting married, has pursued a married man on one occasion (that I know of) and had one night stands. I don't see my mum as an immoral person but a human being, whereas she seems to think I'm in the wrong for having sex with my girlfriend. She doesn't want my girlfriend coming round even really to get to know her. I thought it might be a bit of homophobia but firstly my mum is notorious for hating any kind of guests in her home, and she also was completely accepting of me being transgender when I came out 7 years ago.

I was barely ever allowed friends around and told not to use the toilet at night my entire life because it would "make too much noise"... I understand she is like this but her comments on my relationship and morals have really upset me, especially when my girlfriend is lovely, polite, respectful, and has visibly helped me gain confidence and happiness. She also said she doesn't want my little brothers seeing "inappropriate behaviour" (the most inappropriate thing I have done around them is put my arm around my girlfriend).

What are your thoughts on this? Is my mum being really hypocritical and/or old fashioned? She wants to me to live with her next year while I go to uni (I live very close) so I can help her out financially, but I'm not sure I want to if she's going to try to control what I do in my relationship.

P.S, my nan who is almost 80 years old is more relaxed about my girlfriend coming round than my mum!

Hi OP. It's not for your mum or anyone on here to take a view as to whether 6 months is too early for you to have sex. You're an adult with your own agency and you can have sex whenever you wish too! I really wouldn't expend any more energy worrying about that.

Your mum does have the right to decide who does stay in her house and, whatever her reasons for not letting your girlfriend stay, you're just going to have to accept that. Equally your mum is an adult too and her financial position is her, not your, responsibility so don't feel obliged to stay (or move back) home to help her out.

I hope you can get some help to talk through the things that have happened to you in your past. Have you thought of accessing your university counselling services?

I think you can have sex when you want. 6 months is a fairly good amount of time to get to know someone. But...
I'd always say it needs to be based on what you actually want. So if you're happy and fully consenting go for it.

Although I'm all for people doing what the want while consenting. I think as a young person self esteem can really be an issue with partners. It can be difficult to make sure your self worth doesn't get tied up in how sexually attractive you are. Or how interested a partner is in you. So just really consider this.

OP, you are an adult who is enjoying a healthy relationship. It's not your mother's business who you sleep with.

The best thing for you to do would be move out and gain your independence, then you won't have to care what your mother thinks.

Your mum has issues and of course she is being unreasonable.
Affection that is non sexual in front of your younger siblings is not inappropriate.
If you think it would achieve any good I'd try to tell your mum how you feel.
Otherwise I'd be putting in a bit of distance for now.

It might be a marriage thing? I know that when I came out to my Mum and my gf (now wife) came to stay until we were married it had to be in separate bedrooms. We dated for 5 years and we’re never allowed to share a room until we got married. That was just the rules when they were younger. Wishing you and your girlfriend well x

There's a lot of things I did when younger that I would prefer my D.C. didn't do. I realised too late that they weren't healthy or good for me and I would be happy if they learned from my mistakes so I don't think your mum is being hypocritical.

However from what you say there is a good chance she is being homophobic. Would she be saying this if it was a boy you were seeing/sleeping with?

Thank her for her advice and tell her that your sex life is none of her business.

You don’t need external approval to have a consenting sexual relationship between adults. The choices you make now are exactly that - real choices, and no one can tell you what to do.

It sounds like you’ve had a difficult time as an early teen, and it sounds like you had some experiences which you may feel we’re or describe as choices, but which actually weren’t. Children can’t make sexual choices, that’s why we have an age of consent.

I hope you speak up about your past experiences, and work through with someone what they mean for you now as an adult. Be kind to yourself, and all the best to you and your girlfriend.

I have a 19 year old. Not my business who he has sex with, I don't expect him to tell me or even to find out incidentally unless he wants to share something or ask for advice. He lives in halls at uni and that's been important to help him grow independently. I think your kids come back to you as adults once they've completed their independent growth away from you, and that is a comfortable and natural evolution. That's what you should do - for both your sakes.

You can have sex with another person on the first night you meet them or never. It is not up to your mum to decide. Consensual sex and respecting the other person is key.

By your age, I’d had sex with different people including a couple of one night stands. Would I recommend this? And would I want my dd to make the same choices? No not really for many reasons. I was an unhappy person and this was a symptom and these were my choices to make. If I had to make the same choices all over again, I would have chosen differently.

Your mum wants you to live with her ‘under her roof’ to help her out financially and obviously abide by her rules. So you’ll be paying your way and getting it in the neck for being you by the sound of it. My question, therefore, is what’s in it for you?

I think, you would do well to move out if you can. To establish who you are, to detach and become an adult. This level of interest in your sex life isn’t on.

Your mum sounds very controlling and emotionally abusive. I had a similar dynamic with my own mum and am now happily no contact with her, in my late 30s. I hope you can manage to extricate yourself from her so that her opinions and judgement no longer matter to you at all and you have a vibrant, loving and strong support network around you, even if your actual family aren't the most supportive or kind.

If you had some early sexual experiences which have affected you significantly - and it sounds like they have - I would strongly urge you to seek some counselling or psychotherapy. It was the best money I have ever spent; you may also be able to access free or low cost counselling so don't assume it's something which is 'not for you'. I think it would help you so much to navigate your relationship with your mum, and also process any early things which happened which may still be affecting you now.
Wishing you so much luck.

@ciabatta

I understand it may be a bit confusing. But we aren't having heterosexual sex and we both have the same body parts, so I consider it "same sex." My mum also has seen me grow up as a female so to her she may subconsciously see it as a "lesbian" relationship despite me presenting as male. I didn't want to draw attention to my identity where it wasn't relevant or wind up any transphobes when it's not relevant to my question. Thanks for being so kind, though!

But if you 'identify as male', surely you are having heterosexual sex? I mean, if you say you're male and your partner is female, then that's all it can be, right? What's your mother's problem?

Unless, of course, you're actually female...

The OP says she is female but lives as male. It's not hard. Clearly she sees her relationship as gay as stated.

OP, just enjoy your life. Being 19, exploring the world and loving others really is the best times. Have fun and stay safe. And ignore your Mum.

I'm not sure what's hard to understand. I'm transgender. I have a mental illness that made me want to transition to the other sex. It doesn't mean I have actually changed my biological sex, just that I present myself as a man for my comfort. When two people with vaginas are having sex, that is a same sex relationship. Whether you agree with that or not, doesn't bother me, I just wanted some other people's opinions. Wish I'd never even mentioned it!

What gender OP identifies as is irrelevant. They are an adult. After six months I would think having sex is very normal. If you were my child I would want you to be happy. I would only butt in if I thought your partner was hurting you in anyway. Stop telling your mum the personal details of your relationship. None of her business.

@ThePlantsitter

No mum is ever going to give their kid permission to have sex even if they are 35 and have never had a traumatic sexual experience. Not going to happen. They might do it in a roundabout way (eg allow sleepovers) but they are never going to say 'I think it's a good idea if you start to have sex'.

Equally anyone who describes consensual sex as 'immoral' doesn't get to have an opinion on an adult's sex life.

So basically if you're genuinely worried that your sexual choices are inappropriate you need to talk to someone else about it.

Really? Once my daughters are of consentual age and understand how they can keep themselves safe, and what are red flags to look out for, I will be encouraging them to do whatever they wish. Be that sex , abstinence or anything in-between

What a very weird comment.

Do you think the issue is that you are gay?
Put what labels on it you prefer (and I genuinely mean that, I think you have the right to identify and/or call yourself what you want) but as far as your Mum is concerned you are having a Lesbian relationship.
Were you in relationships with men previously? Maybe that’s why she is reacting like this
Having said that as long as you are both consenting and happy it shouldn’t matter and you can have sex as early in a relationship as you both want

@ciabatta

I'm not sure what's hard to understand. I'm transgender. I have a mental illness that made me want to transition to the other sex. It doesn't mean I have actually changed my biological sex, just that I present myself as a man for my comfort. When two people with vaginas are having sex, that is a same sex relationship. Whether you agree with that or not, doesn't bother me, I just wanted some other people's opinions. Wish I'd never even mentioned it!

You brought it up, I assume, because it's important to you that people see you for what you wish to be seen as. And that's ok. You're choosing to post on MN, which by the nature of the site is predominantly female, but you identify as male and so to me it stands to reason that you wished to explain that in your post. Does it make any difference to when you should or shouldn't have sex? No Does it make any difference to who you should or shouldn't be in a relationship with ? No Should you be able to feel comfortable in saying that you have a female body but identify as male, in a post about your sex life? Absolutely you should!

Have you asked yourself why your mum's opinion matters so much to you? Like others have said, you're an adult. You are happy in your relationship. You feel fulfilled and satisfied. If your mother is able to pour cold water on to that with her unsolicited opinions, then you have some hard thinking to do about why you're allowing her to affect your mood so much.

It wasn't a weird comment. I want my kids to do what they want but if they ask me for permission to have sex I wouldn't think they were mature enough to do it frankly. Advice on birth control and std protection, yes, personal safety, yes, but if they ask 'can I have sex' I would not be explicitly giving me permission. that would be weird.

@ThePlantsitter

It wasn't a weird comment. I want my kids to do what they want but if they ask me for permission to have sex I wouldn't think they were mature enough to do it frankly. Advice on birth control and std protection, yes, personal safety, yes, but if they ask 'can I have sex' I would not be explicitly giving me permission. that would be weird.

At 35... Like you said. If in this hypothetical situation your child asked you if they could have sex... As a consenting adults... You wouldn't explicitly say yes? Christ you're strange!!! What is wrong with your adult kids a) having sex and b) asking their mother for advice ? If my kids as adults ask me about their sexual relationships I would be glad that they felt we had that sort of relationship and they could ask me. I have asked my mum in the past

You can speak for yourself but you absolutely cannot say "no mum is ever going to give their child permission to have sex ' because that comment is absolutely incorrect. YOU won't...you're one mum. Not all

It does sound as though your mum is homophobic though, I'm sorry. It seems a bit weird to be homophobic when she was ok with you identifying as male

Not really. Countries that ban homosexuality allow transgenderism because it more fits in with their view of gender and sexuality.

OP My grandmother had a child out of wedlock and then did it again. When she found out that my aunt was getting married a month pregnant she lost her shit at "what a slut she was" .

Hypocrisy happens.

It really doesn't matter what we think. We're a random group of mothers, not your mother! Women don't lose their individuality when they have children. Some women here are not any older than you. My opinion on your sex life is not relevant. And you will be a lot happier and healthier when you accept that your mother's opinion on your sex life is really not relevant! Just nod and smile. It doesn't matter.

Your mother sounds controlling and homophobic. But your CS trauma means therapy could be very beneficial.
If you need to live with a family member, your nan sounds a better bet.

If in this hypothetical situation your child asked you if they could have sex... As a consenting adults... You wouldn't explicitly say yes? Christ you're strange!!! What is wrong with your adult kids a) having sex and b) asking their mother for advice ?

Moderate your tone please. You don't have to agree with me but if you actually want a conversation rather than just getting someone's back up you're not doing it in the right way.

I cannot imagine explicitly saying 'yes you may have sex' to my children, no. I can imagine talking to them about it and helping them to come to their own decision about it. I can imagine saying 'OK' if they said they were going to have sex. But no, I cannot imagine saying 'yes darling you may have sex with your partner now' because it's none of my fucking business once they're adults and able to make a decision for themselves. If they are asking me whether or not they SHOULD I'm not going to say YES if they don't know themselves! That suggests they bloody shouldn't.

@Hoppinggreen please don’t police a trans person describing their own lived experiences. Presumably the OP is referring to gender dysphoria or some other form of body dysmorphia.
OP you sound like you’ve gone through a lot in your young life 💐 . I’m glad you’ve found a loving partner. I do agree with posters who question whether living with your mum is the best idea. It really isn’t her place to have any influence on your sex or love life, unless she is worried that you’re in an abusive relationship which it really doesn’t sound like you are now. Maybe you could have a calm conversation with her about it, to find out what she’s trying to say? Best wishes