Anyone else feel like their own parents now want parenting?

[BeachEgg]

Parents or in-laws. I have it with both. They’re all healthy, live independently, have no need of care. But they increasingly seem to want a level of ‘looking after’ that’s getting harder and harder.

I don’t mean physically looking after though. It’s more general life admin stuff. Like “I’ve got some bills I need you to look at, you know how bad I am with money” or “the guttering does need repairing but I wouldn’t even know where to start getting someone to do it…” or “I need a new dishwasher, can you find a good one for me to get?” I don’t know anything about dishwashers, pick one. “But could you just…”, again and again and again.

Or things which seem smaller but really add up. “What time should I set off for this?” “What should we eat tonight?” “This number keeps calling me and I don’t pick up but they don’t leave a message, what do they want?” “These chocolates have gone past their sell by date but only by one day and they’ve been in the fridge, am I still safe to eat them?”

I get that as parents get older they will need more looking after. And I do love my parents and ILs and want to help them where they need it. But I’ve got small children and I work full time and I’m constantly knackered. I love that they can now visit us again but Christ I am SO FED UP of finally getting my kids to bed after a day of non-stop busy busy busy everything, only to find my mum waiting for me on the sofa next to a pile of unopened letters and bills for me to deal with.

Or possibly this is normal for everyone and I’m being a total cow to be so fed up of it?

Normal in my experience.

My dad is becoming like this, so far I’ve not got drawn in and I just make mmm noises when stuff is mentioned. I don’t even live near so when he thinks I can drop everything to sort out his email address again I don’t know. I would be inclined to say no, your mum is taking the piss.

Welcome to the sandwich generation - it really sucks.

It sounds normal to me.

There is a saying, "The child is father of the man", applies equally to woman.

I have this with my mum now. Just chose her a new dishwasher last week in fact! Then had to go round after it was installed to teach her how to use it -a dishwasher I also didn't know how to use, but my mum has somehow lost the ability to work it out herself from the instructions. 😬

It's pretty much 4 or 5 times a week; her TV can no longer get catch up, her iron has tripped the main switch, her iPad has gone slow, her lawnmower height setting is wrong, the door of the shed won't close, the block thing that her parasol fits into needs shifting slightly, the roses need pinning back onto the trellis as they've flopped forward etc etc.

It is pretty exhausting and frustrating but I do love my mum and do these things willingly but I know it's only going to get worse.

I hear you, but offer no sensible advice.

I've just taken my dad and DS 3.5yrs for breakfast. Quite frankly DS was better behaved than dad and he was wanging beans round the place. Dad was grumbling insesantly about everything and as was rude to the waiting staff. Place, food and staff all lovely.

Everything is just a major trauma for him, even nice things!

God this is depressing. Why do people just give up like this? I'm 60 which I assume is close to some of these parents' ages. No children. I guess I'll just have to carry on figuring things out for myself.

Older people can lose their confidence, they can also suffer from anxiety just as younger people can. It's not unusual.

DF is nearly 87 and I don’t get any of that. A couple of bills have moved entirely online so I had to sort that because hé doesn’t do computers. One needs monthly input so he phones me the detail. Everything else he sorts with accountant, finance advisor. He manages his commercial tenants himself , annuities and I don’t know what all else.

He is starting to tidy up a few of lifestyle details and after coming home today from the weekend with him, he is starting to slow a bit. By which I mean he is reducing his community commitments.

But, I do wish he would get a cleaner. He does everything himself and is clean and never gets sick but the house just needs a woman’s effort regularly.

No, not yet. My parents are in their 80s but still more than capable of managing their own affairs. I appreciate I'm lucky.

@squashyhat I'm not far off your age and agree it's depressing.

I just started saying no, or being unavailable.

Tying up the roses ? What - tell her to get s gardener - if you are doing ridiculous small jobs like that you may as well hand in yournotice at work now.

Yup. No parents left but do have a 70 year old aunt who requires a lot of input.

She has had a slew of appliance breakdowns. I've helped her pick new ones each time. She has had good feedback about ao.com from me and other friends.

Has she ordered the bloody appliances yet? No.
Has she ordered a tonne of shite from other online retailers in this time period? Yes (she is a hoarder).

Then she complains about not having an oven.

Short of me ordering it for her and then going round (800 mile round trip) to be there on the day it is delivered I don't know what else I can do.

I get this with PIL. They are fit, healthy and have managed to function absolutely fine in society for their entire adult life. Suddenly they need constant help and advice with the most basic of tasks. I agree with the everything a major trauma comment, lots of moaning. Lots of we couldn't possibly do that for really simple things

My parents not so bad but they are very codependent. If God forbid something were to happen to one of them genuinely think my mum would go bankrupt or my dad starve.

My parents are like this and it drives me crazy! Despite going on several holidays a year (pre Covid) which they book by themselves I get frequent calls

"The laptop isn't working, what's wrong with it?"

"I want to book dinner at X place, do it for me"

"I tried to do Y but it wouldn't work, why not?"

They act helpless and it really bothers me but they only do it with me, not my sister

How many ovens have PIL ordered over their lifetime?

We rent so have bought precisely 0. Why then do they think we can find them the best oven?

I'm 57 and a single parent.

I face hundreds of things every day I don't know how to do.
They are all scary. I don't have family to help. Occasionally my DD teenage knows the answer but often I have to work it out for myself.

This week I bought myself an electric screwdriver and learned how to use it for the first time in my life. I was really proud.

Tell them they need to learn how to do it.

Learning new things staves off dementia I understand. Yes, it is diffiuclt but it sounds like it is learned behaviour.

Tell them to look on the WHICH website

or google it

or check videos on you tube

Interestingly both my grandmas in their late 80s totally fine. My grandma has just bought and organised herself a new bathroom. My other grandma has sorted out a roofer to fix her roof.

They have gardeners to help with cutting the grass and weeding etc, and need someone to say go in the loft. But actual financial affairs, life admin all of that they are totally fine with. It is purely a bit of physical help here and there

I'm not part of the sandwich generation, but have an idea of what you're going through. since my mum died when I was a child my dad put a lot of expectations on me and expected a fair bit of emotional support from me over the years. Even now, though he is married, I get a lot of pressure to work around him and be a sympathetic ear constantly, and even with my stepmum he expects to be "looked after" and can't seem to function without a woman to look after him. I know it's not the same, but if parents don't have dementia and are perfectly capable of dealing with their affairs but are relying on their adult children to deal with it, then you need to set boundaries. Unless you are happy doing it, then crack on. But I've put boundaries in place so I don't get overwhelmed with it all and only engage with it all when I have the energy and willpower to do so. I've had to learn to say no and put myself first sometimes. If they do have dementia or are struggling with mental health then that does change things, but if they are doing it out of laziness or lack of self confidence then they really shouldn't be putting this much pressure on you.

My mums like this.
We live together so I have to preempt a lot of stuff.
She fixates on things. She'll go on and on until it's done. She'll put herself in danger trying to do stuff herself - climbing ladders etc at 87. She's fit for her age but has inner ear problems.

It's exhausting and expensive. New windows because she would go on and on about the frames needing repair/paint/replacing.

She's had zoom meetings every week for 18months but she still can't logon or off herself. We've shown her, we've written it down. Nope she want us to set her up every time.

She won't try.

She will go off on long holidays alone- coach, train and cruise type.

My mum is also 70 and I'm constantly doing annoying jobs for her. The bane of my life is making photo books for her on the very user friendly app she has on her phone.

But the best one I've had recently was mum's neighbor (also 70) asking me to research holiday places that her daughter and son in law might like and get back to her with a shortlist!!

The fixating thing I recognise and IME it comes with older age.

But I really liked pps point that its good for the brain to figure this stuff out. I'd be tempted to say to them 'use it or lose it' - or alternatively, fake such stupidity they eventually work it out for themselves out of exasperation.

Omg stampo! That last one!! The absolute brass neck!!!!!

Has this got worse since lockdown?
I am late 60s and cope with things myself, but I do feel it takes me longer to actually organise & do stuff these days.
I don't think it's a natural 'age' thing. I think it's the result of being so restricted for so long, and still being very hesitant about resuming 'normal' life because of possible risk.

That's not a reason to just do everything your older relatives ask, tho.

Tell them you don't have the brain space to cope with all their stuff, as well as your own.
Be encouraging about them dealing with their own stuff.
If you can see any easy fixes eg direct debit for credit card, council tax etc, suggest this and if necessary help them (one-off) to set it up.

Try "Mum/Dad, I need you to help me by not asking me to do these things."
Or "Oh, come on. Are you really going senile, or what?" - obviously judge your audience for this one.