Anyone else feel like their own parents now want parenting?

[BeachEgg]

Parents or in-laws. I have it with both. They’re all healthy, live independently, have no need of care. But they increasingly seem to want a level of ‘looking after’ that’s getting harder and harder.

I don’t mean physically looking after though. It’s more general life admin stuff. Like “I’ve got some bills I need you to look at, you know how bad I am with money” or “the guttering does need repairing but I wouldn’t even know where to start getting someone to do it…” or “I need a new dishwasher, can you find a good one for me to get?” I don’t know anything about dishwashers, pick one. “But could you just…”, again and again and again.

Or things which seem smaller but really add up. “What time should I set off for this?” “What should we eat tonight?” “This number keeps calling me and I don’t pick up but they don’t leave a message, what do they want?” “These chocolates have gone past their sell by date but only by one day and they’ve been in the fridge, am I still safe to eat them?”

I get that as parents get older they will need more looking after. And I do love my parents and ILs and want to help them where they need it. But I’ve got small children and I work full time and I’m constantly knackered. I love that they can now visit us again but Christ I am SO FED UP of finally getting my kids to bed after a day of non-stop busy busy busy everything, only to find my mum waiting for me on the sofa next to a pile of unopened letters and bills for me to deal with.

Or possibly this is normal for everyone and I’m being a total cow to be so fed up of it?

I’ve been there with LFT tests too. “You’ll have to come and show me how these work, I can’t do it, you’ll have to sort it out for me.” I understand that they can be awkward but she hadn’t even opened the box let alone tried to work out how to use it.

I know it sounds to some posters quite uncaring to say “I’m busy I can’t help you,” like our lives are full of glittering parties while our poor parents wait sadly for care. But I’m busy with my job and looking after children, things I can’t just drop. I wouldn’t resent finding time to help with things they actually need, I do resent this “you’ll have to come round and look at this for me I can’t do it” when they haven’t even TRIED to look at the instructions. At least give it a shot first!

I have this with both my parents but it's my mum who has become someone who can't actually make any decision for herself. It's both physically & mentally exhausting and starting to get a whole lot worse as I have to take more on as they get older.

To be fair my teens are fairly easy at the moment (apart from one suffering from chronic fatigue) and our schedule is a bit less busy than it would be in term time.

I went on holiday with my IL a couple of years ago and I honestly think they mistook me for "ask google" or "ask Alexa"
Every day it was:
-What time is the village shop open? (I dont know none of us have been here before)
Do you think they will sell x at the village shop (see above)
What time is the fish and chip shop open? (See above)

• what time does the bus go? (See above)
• what day do we put the bins out? (See visitor info in the folder)
• what food does this pub serve? (While they were sat outside said pub!!)
• where are the public toilets?
• what day does town x have a market?

I nearly decked DH when he joined in and asked me to "just check what time the trains go for mum and dad" FIL has a smartphone and is able to use it. MIL was tech illiterate but quite outgoing and didnt mind talking to people, so could have asked at the station.

It was basically like everyone else had a holiday from being an adult and left me to do all the adulting for 4 adults (and 2 children)

My Mum is the same as many other posters, My Dad is 4 years older and is so switched on and keeps his brain busy (They are in their 70s) but Mum has lost a lot of confidence since she retired, especially with admin type things and tends to make mountains out of molehills. It's sad as she used to be so confident and i try and help where i can but i'm 45 minutes away and 30 weeks pregnant so will have a whole new challenge starting soon!

I think her main issue is she doesn't WANT to learn new things, i showed her how to work her online banking and wrote instructions down for her but she won't do it unless I'm sat next to her (even though Dad would help and is very able!) I keep trying to encourage her to do bits and pieces but she's very reluctant.

She wants to have a spa day with me before the baby comes and i suggested she could book it as she's done it before but she just said 'Oh no i don't know how to!'

It's a shame as shes gone from being super able and confident but refuses to do anything to help herself, i suggested she could join some groups (once allowed) to meet new faces and keep busy but she won't. Its really tough so you have my full sympathy!

Its my children who are needy, can you babysit, can you look after the kids so I can go back to work, can they stay over, would you pick some food up for me after dropping kids at school, would dad paint the kitchen / look at my car/ washer etc.
But if I ask a favour / help they are too busy.
Helping each other is what families do

At the same time, their hearing and eyesight is declining and this makes every single little thing they do, that bit harder. Trying to read the instructions on a ready meal, reading their bank statements, looking at their mobile phones etc. Trying to catch everything someone is telling them - the GP/consultant/utility provider etc.

This is an important point, as the older person may not even realise that it's their eyesight or hearing that has made tasks seem so difficult.

Also, with the previously capable people who start asking for help with simple things, I wonder if they might have had one or more TIAs (mini-strokes) which they haven't even noticed.

Encouraging independence is always the way to go, tho, but try to make allowances for genuine difficulties that people might have.

@dancemom

My parents are like this and it drives me crazy! Despite going on several holidays a year (pre Covid) which they book by themselves I get frequent calls

"The laptop isn't working, what's wrong with it?"

"I want to book dinner at X place, do it for me"

"I tried to do Y but it wouldn't work, why not?"

They act helpless and it really bothers me but they only do it with me, not my sister

My mum lives with my brother and his wife yet she calls me about even the most basic things. Writing letters, arranging for a car mechanic etc. This is a healthy , fit woman who managed to bring up three children by herself

My DM was always like this. I spent my childhood and 20s babying her.

My DGM was like this when she was much older. She expected the women to drop everything, sort everything, do everything. But had such high praise of the men who did nothing.

The pandemic has aged a generation.

The pandemic has aged a generation.

Do you mean the elderly have become even older in their mindset? @user1471538283

Actually my DPs have amazed me during the pandemic.
Despite DF showing a marked decline in cognitive abilities, he still managed to set up Morrison's online delivery which for 86 so thought was pretty amazing- even if the phone conversations for the next period were pretty much all about what was in their delivery versus what they had ordered.
Readers I did in fact manage to get some hard to find Tesco slots for them , but they refused to let me order for them as they were "unsure what Tesco sold"

@ThisIsStartingToBoreMe - yes I think so. Even the generation younger. I think it has been frightening and had made worlds very small.

My mother is 81 and I cannot keep up with her. She has social engagements at least five days a week. Her diary is filled through December. In my wildest dreams I cannot imagine her asking me to arrange appointments or book a gardener. She is the one of most independent women I know.

In my case 70 yr old dm causing havoc here I see it as attention seeking and having too much time on her hands.she knows what she does with her demands and it gets right on my wick she knows that too, Hate it feel for all of you struggling, And no I have no sympathy at all as she can do whatever she wants when she wants but in my case with me she doesnt want to,

Oh trust me I have been there myself and then some. Try doing it with both parents terminally ill for a couple of years plus kids plus your own business to run.

However it's not a race to the bottom here. I loved my parents and I appreciated all they'd done for me and the kids when they were more able. I appreciated the upbringing they gave me. And I appreciated the many years they devoted to me and my brother.

So I sucked it up and cracked on. Not as some sort of martyr but because they were my parents and to whinge about helping them just seems churlish to me.

You clearly feel differently - and that's your right to do so. But please don't try and tell me I don't understand the pressures of it. I do.

Really not talking about caring for terminally ill relatives. (Which yes, I have done and is not what this is about.) Talking about having perfectly healthy and functional parents outsource all their thinking and admin and annoying tasks to their grown children. There is quite a difference.p

I think it's a way for older people to get the much needed feeling of being cared for and loved.

Good grief OP I'm nearly their age and wouldn't dream of asking anyone to do those things for me. But I have friends in their 50's who for instance do very little online and rely very much on husbands to sort things out. They still visit their bank and pay things by cheque. I think it's sad to be so dependent on other people.

Yes, I have this with my parents. Had to do a ridiculous amount around Christmas time when they moved house. Took piles of stuff to the tip, to the charity shop, sorted the moving van etc. Was so frustrating.

Problem is what I’ve noticed with parents is the more I do the more they want me to do. So I’m not doing it anymore. I’ll do as much as I am happy to but no more and nothing they can do themselves. I have an incredibly busy life…I work, my oh works and we have 2 small kids. We don’t have time to be doing stuff for them because they can’t motivate themselves.

I have done the adulting for my DDad not because he asked me to (in fact he didnt realise I was doing it) but because he wasnt able to think or do the things himself. And it was like having a small child, and I didnt mind.
The examples I gave in my previous post felt like everyone else wanted a holiday from thinking or planning despite the fact that I probably do more thinking/planning/mental load for the other 51 weeks of the year than all the adults put together.

My mum is only mid 70s but is difficult. Needs daily contact or she sulks. Conjures up reasons for me to need to go over or help with something. I've got 3 young dc, one with Autism, I am not sat around doing bugger all. The having to be in constant contact with her is what I find most draining. Some days I hardly look at my phone because I'm so busy.

My mum was widowed young, early sixties and had my older learning disabled sibling living with her. She relied on me to do more and more for her and my sibling. I think it was because she found life lonely with just my sibling for company (they have very challenging behaviours) but also to try to coerce me into taking over her caring responsibilities.

Mine was totally reliant on ,y dad, who died 2 years ago. Now she’s totally reliant on my uncle, her bil. She won’t even speak on the phone to organise someone coming to fix something. ‘Oh, I’ll get Jeff to do that’. Drives me nuts. Fortunately, I live 5 hours away, so I don’t get the demands.

My uncle has-stupidly, IMO-acceded to her every request rather than make her do stuff herself. Despite being shown dozens of times, she ‘can’t work’ the mobile that would keep her in touch with grandchildren she adores and misses. I get that she was completely dependent on my dad, but her determined helplessness is very irritating. Yes, I’m an absolute bitch, I know.