Anyone else feel like their own parents now want parenting?

[BeachEgg]

Parents or in-laws. I have it with both. They’re all healthy, live independently, have no need of care. But they increasingly seem to want a level of ‘looking after’ that’s getting harder and harder.

I don’t mean physically looking after though. It’s more general life admin stuff. Like “I’ve got some bills I need you to look at, you know how bad I am with money” or “the guttering does need repairing but I wouldn’t even know where to start getting someone to do it…” or “I need a new dishwasher, can you find a good one for me to get?” I don’t know anything about dishwashers, pick one. “But could you just…”, again and again and again.

Or things which seem smaller but really add up. “What time should I set off for this?” “What should we eat tonight?” “This number keeps calling me and I don’t pick up but they don’t leave a message, what do they want?” “These chocolates have gone past their sell by date but only by one day and they’ve been in the fridge, am I still safe to eat them?”

I get that as parents get older they will need more looking after. And I do love my parents and ILs and want to help them where they need it. But I’ve got small children and I work full time and I’m constantly knackered. I love that they can now visit us again but Christ I am SO FED UP of finally getting my kids to bed after a day of non-stop busy busy busy everything, only to find my mum waiting for me on the sofa next to a pile of unopened letters and bills for me to deal with.

Or possibly this is normal for everyone and I’m being a total cow to be so fed up of it?

My parents, dad in particular, lost alot confidence over the pandemic. I put this down to the isolation and worry in the early days off the high risk of death to him and my mum from covid. He was seeking advice on things he'd confidently and competently managed previously.
No idea if it would have improved as he has since become physically unwell (not covid) so we're helping out physically anyway now.
But the impact of the isolation/shielding and decline physically and mentally should not be underestimated. I know it was necessary as covid was a higher risk to them but it really did rob him of his last healthy year 😔

Hmm yes lockdown might have been a factor, even if people haven't been madly shielding, but just haven't been socialising as much - so less opportunities to share advice or just have friends 'modelling' that x or y is actually straightforward. And socialising is supposed to be good for the brain too. It's all a bit depressing if you put it like that, but all the more reason to encourage some medicinal self-sufficiency!

Luckily my parents aren't like that.

This is definitely a good reason not to get in a relationship with someone who is a lot older with you though!

I work with the elderly full time and in my opinion it's a combination of lockdown, lack of confidence and not having the physical strength to do the things you used to do.

I really don't get the constant moaning though and the obsession with talking about their health and ailments.

Maybe they just need advice, a conversation...not looking after .

Yes, it's exhausting. DM (81) senses are all deteriorating. She can't smell something burning or food that's gone bad (or taste that it's gone bad). She can't hear a buzzer going off. She can't see bugs and grunge and dirt. She's never been much of a housekeeper. She is not into self-care so doesn't just do things out of routine.

While she's mostly healthy, the body and brain still break down. She can't continually process software updates and how to make it work and online bill paying especially when the interface changes.

Like a lot of women her generation she was raised to be a people-pleaser and accommodating to men which leaves her vulnerable to conmen. But on the flipside, she has social anxiety so she usually won't engage in the first place. She doesn't answer the door or phone in the first place, for instance. So, that's good.

She thinks she's poor, but she's not. She won't fix things that need fixing because she thinks she can't afford it - her parents did the same thing - and these people have money. Every spin of the washing machine, every run of the dishwasher, every up or down of the garage door opener - she hates it because if you use it, it will break.

I have a brother (58) who has never really understood how the world works (he's a creative type), so I am expected to handle his admin stuff. He has a gf, but for some reason, it's my job as the designated smart person. I have a son (27) who can't help himself either.

It's a microcosm of the workplace. There are people - whether their fault or not - who don't pull their weight and the competent smart efficient people do all of the heavy lifting. The more they check out, the more heaving lifting I have to do. Or, maybe it's the other way round - the more I do, the more they check out.

But in defense of old people because I am in my late 50s - things DO change and things that were once easy aren't so much and the brain gets tired. My vision is getting bad and my writing has way more typos than it used to have. I just don't see it as well anymore.

How do you think they felt when you were a child? Now it's your turn. It's just life.

Yep. My mum is only 65, and keeps trying to push her boring life admin on to me. I keep pushing it back and reminding her that until fairly recently she had a very high level, very responsible job, and remains a very intelligent and capable woman.

Tbf, she always looks a bit shamefaced at this, and admits she just "can't be bothered." I remind her that I have my own life admin to deal with, and am self-employed which generates a lot of it, plus have two young kids, so can't really "be bothered" to take on hers as well!

It works the other way as well. Some adult children (age 25/30/35+) still ask all these questions and expect help from their parents.

I think it’s a big naughty of them?

Don’t recognise this at all and my parents are mid 80s (and disabled) and still independent in every way.

I know it will change any moment now, but only if they honestly can’t do stuff anymore (and i’d be happy to help)

Sounds pretty standard.

My mum is 82...I'm an only child. I find it incredibly frustrating as she's always been very competent and capable.

She called complaining of an issue with her leg last night for which she was given antibiotics on Tuesday, but she's not taken them because she is going into hospital for a procedure tomorrow.

She could have asked the GP or the nurse at pre-OP if it was okay to take them but she's just decided not to and leg is now worse.

I frequently get calls along the lines 'of how long do you cook x for?' - she's not a natural in the kitchen but she's perfectly capable of using the internet.

My dad passed away 7 weeks ago after 18 months declining with frailty. He was bedridden, doubly incontinent, partially sighted, struggled to feed himself and frequently away with the fairies for the last six months and I found him easier to deal with tbh.

@beigebrownblue

Tell them to look on the WHICH website

or google it

or check videos on you tube

Absolutely! I bought a dog crate that I couldn't ''Collapse'' to take to an event today... So instead of asking DS, just googled ''How to collapse Kong dog crate''

Google is fabulous for this type of issue.

Ah well at least I’m not the only one!

To answer a few comments:

Age: between early 60s and early 70s

Has it got worse since lockdown: yes, and I do think confidence/anxiety must be a big part of that. Was already an issue before lockdown though so not that alone.

Point them to Which/show them how to do it themselves: “oh what’s that, I wouldn’t even know where to start. You’ll have to show me. Right what are you clicking on now? What is that? What does that mean? ‘Eco-wash’, what does that mean? Oh I don’t understand any of this, there’s just too much to choose from, I don’t know. Which one do you think? Well can you just have a look when you do have a few minutes then?” Week after: “No I don’t remember how to do it, you’ll need to show me again.”

Grumbling/moaning: Less of this for which I’m very glad. But definite sense that everything is a big fuss and drama now. Like since their lives have got quieter with retirement etc., every little issue has expanded to fill the mental space available.

I will definitely try the ‘working out how to do this yourself is good for your brain’ angle.

I wouldn’t even mind helping so much if it was stuff they needed help with. Or if they’d tried to do it themselves and couldn’t work it out. But when it’s “I don’t know how to do xyz”, ok what have you tried, “nothing”, it is tiring.

So whoever is being asked needs to say "No" in a way that will be understood, whatever the age of the person asking - unless, of course, there is a genuine reason for them having difficulty.
Even then, you doing it all for them may not be the best answer.

@Doghead

How do you think they felt when you were a child? Now it's your turn. It's just life.

Well they were fairly big on me doing things myself when I was old enough to! And DH’s too from what I know.

None of them feel like the sort of people to say “well I changed your nappies so now you need to buy all my kitchen appliances for me, fair’s fair,” at least not consciously?

MintyCedric your mum is probably still in shock, from everything before and after your dad's death - even if that's not obvious to you.

My MIL is like this! DP usually gives her some extra money every month, she asked for 1k so he gave her that (god knows why..) and said she wouldn't get anything more monthly as he will be putting aside while I'm pregnant.
Cue her phoning up fake crying she is overdrawn and telling DP he is a useless son as he is prioritising saving for our unborn child over helping her out..
This woman lives mortgage free and is about to get a huge inheritance! But DP is the issue

No don’t have this and wouldn't tolerate it, we have enough on.

My parents have always been like this unfortunately and their neediness has become worse with age. I feel reluctant to help too much as they haven't done anything to help me and I've been very much left to get on with it.

And we have enough on our plate so like another poster we aren't ao readily available.

@Amijustagrump that's crazy! Why are you helping her?

@TheSandgroper

DF is nearly 87 and I don’t get any of that. A couple of bills have moved entirely online so I had to sort that because hé doesn’t do computers. One needs monthly input so he phones me the detail. Everything else he sorts with accountant, finance advisor. He manages his commercial tenants himself , annuities and I don’t know what all else.

He is starting to tidy up a few of lifestyle details and after coming home today from the weekend with him, he is starting to slow a bit. By which I mean he is reducing his community commitments.

But, I do wish he would get a cleaner. He does everything himself and is clean and never gets sick but the house just needs a woman’s effort regularly.

A "woman's" efforts. Are you saying all professional cleaners are women? That men cannot clean? FFS - no wonder women are totally fucked on any hope for equality.

We are both in our mid seventies and it's the opposite for us. My husband sorting out the admin for grandson's Uni year abroad - or it wouldn't get done. Also accompanying him to settle him in.

Husband also does quite a bit of painting etc work for them.

They are both in very senior roles but hopeless at life admin.