Anyone else feel like their own parents now want parenting?

[BeachEgg]

Parents or in-laws. I have it with both. They’re all healthy, live independently, have no need of care. But they increasingly seem to want a level of ‘looking after’ that’s getting harder and harder.

I don’t mean physically looking after though. It’s more general life admin stuff. Like “I’ve got some bills I need you to look at, you know how bad I am with money” or “the guttering does need repairing but I wouldn’t even know where to start getting someone to do it…” or “I need a new dishwasher, can you find a good one for me to get?” I don’t know anything about dishwashers, pick one. “But could you just…”, again and again and again.

Or things which seem smaller but really add up. “What time should I set off for this?” “What should we eat tonight?” “This number keeps calling me and I don’t pick up but they don’t leave a message, what do they want?” “These chocolates have gone past their sell by date but only by one day and they’ve been in the fridge, am I still safe to eat them?”

I get that as parents get older they will need more looking after. And I do love my parents and ILs and want to help them where they need it. But I’ve got small children and I work full time and I’m constantly knackered. I love that they can now visit us again but Christ I am SO FED UP of finally getting my kids to bed after a day of non-stop busy busy busy everything, only to find my mum waiting for me on the sofa next to a pile of unopened letters and bills for me to deal with.

Or possibly this is normal for everyone and I’m being a total cow to be so fed up of it?

A little bit but parents are in late sixties. Tbh with DM it’s attention more than anything. DF has had a PA most of his working life and isn’t used to having to deal with admin so I get a lot of his crap which is probably the hardest. MIL is widowed so she asks advice, but that’s not abnormal I don’t think.

My DM at 57 has inexplicably decided that she can’t drive anywhere she hasn’t been before. She has always been fine with this before, and if I do suggest she drive somewhere herself she is incredulous, as if I’ve suggested something genuinely ridiculous. Disappointed, she is quite happy for DF or myself to be put out to ferry herself to these unknown places, even though she has a perfect licence and her own car. I wonder if this is the start of it.

Indeed.
Tbf, mum is now 81 and her brain is in decline but it has been like it for years.
The final straw for me is always the fucking iPhone. And the mystery of lost email.
And being forced to choose something for her, and then it's not what she wants or likes.

And double sandwich generation now.
I'm 53, Mum 81, my kids are 25,23, 13 and granddaughter new born.

Ha! My children keep trying to tell me what to do and I don’t want them to. I can manage perfectly well for myself, thanks.

At the moment (mid 70s) may parents can manage their life admin for themselves. However as capable as my DM is, she comes from a generation where the man would make the decisions; so everything that happens is a joint decision, even if she does the research, she'll still run it past DF to decide. I wonder what'll happen if he passes first, will she then start asking me or even my DH for advice?

Christ, must be terrible for some of you, having to advise, support or assist your own parents. Assuming no drip feeds or past bombshells of abuse from your parents towards you as a child, why the fuck do some of you feel above helping your parents?

People these days are so whiny, 'me me me' and full of their own self importance. And yep, I've been there with both my mum and dad before they died. In their late 60s so they were hardly in their dotage

If they cared for you as a child and loved you and brought you up with all you needed - stop maiming about your mum asking you to help choose a dishwasher or your dad needing a hand.

Pathetic

It isn't inevitable. The difficulty is working out whether its genuine cognitive decline or attention seeking, and then reminding yourself that as with children the attention seeking itself has a cause which deserves a degree of sympathy (but as with children should be taken seriously and handled sympathetically but not over indulged because its insatiable - pragmatism is essential). Its bloody exhausting when you're already exhausted though

My mother started claiming to need help she didn't need when she was the age I am now - then one day after too much wine she let slip that she wanted us to feel needed - all her children had preschoolers of their own and she's still married to my dad with a good social circle and paid help in the form of cleaner and gardener I nearly exploded...

My mum actually volunteers for things then nominates her children had sons in law to actually sort out what she's volunteered for, claiming she can't manage - but she won't stop offering and creating largely unnecessary busy work then throwing her hands up helplessly and looking around for someone to actually do the work she's essentially invented. I think its because she did used to do all that herself and has less energy now, but can't see that most of the jobs she invents don't need doing at all, and those that do could be done far less fussily.

My parents do this to my brother. Luckily their fictional version of me is that im incompetent. Feel relief rather than sadness for a change reading this thread.
🍷

With respect FlossyTeacakes if you think the problem is requests for help they actually need, then I don’t think you have ‘been there yourself’.

I don’t know anything about dishwashers. I don’t want to be responsible for choosing somebody else’s dishwasher. I don’t mind helping navigate online payments if that’s unfamiliar, or going to look round a shop if they feel like another pair of eyes will really be useful. I just don’t want to have all the thinking for buying and using the thing outsourced to me when I don’t know what somebody else wants from a dishwasher!

@beigebrownblue

I'm 57 and a single parent.

I face hundreds of things every day I don't know how to do.
They are all scary. I don't have family to help. Occasionally my DD teenage knows the answer but often I have to work it out for myself.

This week I bought myself an electric screwdriver and learned how to use it for the first time in my life. I was really proud.

Tell them they need to learn how to do it.

Learning new things staves off dementia I understand. Yes, it is diffiuclt but it sounds like it is learned behaviour.

I agree with you. Im 51 with teenagers and constantly figuring out who to ask about what.... ill find it easier when kids move out even though ill be older

No. My dad is 84. My in laws are 90 and 80. The only help my dad asks for is in relation to his ipad. My fil asks for me to do some typing from time to time but he insists on paying me for it. They do far more for us than we do for them. My DH and I are childless so won’t have anyone to call on when we are older.

My mother started claiming to need help she didn't need when she was the age I am now - then one day after too much wine she let slip that she wanted us to feel needed - all her children had preschoolers of their own and she's still married to my dad with a good social circle and paid help in the form of cleaner and gardener I nearly exploded...

@Billandben444 Happy birthday! 🎂

Tell them they need to learn how to do it
I think the ability to pick things up easily diminishes with age,it must do or so many of us wouldn't find ourselves in the same boat. You couldn't find a more independent, intelligent person than my dad and something just happened at 75 and he just seems to panic and need steering in the right direction now and again.

Think about when we're teens and we're constantly learning- school,uni, driving,work , we're geared up for it ,then our brains slow down, it's harder to start new things as we age.

Saying that,my silver surfer mother taught me how to set up Facebook

My parents are not like this at all. MIL was maddeningly the total opposite; she wouldn't ask us to do anything if she could help it but then she would get herself into all sorts of pickles which we would only eventually discover at some advanced stage and have to extricate her from. It would honestly have been far easier and less time-consuming if she'd asked us for help in the first place.

This thread has made me resolved to be bloody minded about trying to do things myself first, when I reach that sort of age, but not so bloody minded that I cause endless catastrophes!

@Crystaltits
Thank you! X

My Dad asks for help a bit when I know he can work it out himself but I don’t mind because he doesn’t ask for to much and most of it is stuff I can do without going to his (like researching a new dishwasher) .

What is more annoying is how dramatic he is about the issue. Everything is described as a “massive hassle” and if I took him at his word his life seems utterly miserable. But he just likes a moan and he doesn’t see how boring / depressing it is to have a half hour catch-up where 25 minutes of that call is complaining. For example he will call me to ask for advice on getting a new internet package but spend at least half an hour complaining about his previous contract expiring and subsequent price increase. He has probably already rang prior provider and been really rude to some poor advisor because he wouldn’t want to commit to a new contract without asking me if it’s a good deal but expects them to drop the price . it’s exhausting. He’s always been a bit of a complainer but it’s got worse with age.

My MIL seems to have inexplicably turned in to a stroppy teenager in her mid 70s.

She is very fit, has loads of friends/active social life, no financial worries etc. Yet she will not make any decision, no matter how small, without consulting DH. But she does not actually want his opinion/advice- just for him to agree with her so that if there is any problem she can treat him as responsible. Eg. She wanted new curtains and had seen some she liked, asked DH opinion, he said they were a but dark for her room, she argued/cried etc until he agreed that they would be lovely. She put them up and hated how dark they were- then expected us to deal with returning them etc because we had 'told her to get them'.

If DH reiterates his opinion, she tells him she is an adult and can do what she likes. He agrees, but reminds her she asked for his opinion so he's just given it- she is free to disagree and he is not offended. We then usually get tears, accused of not trying to understand her, not wanting her to be happy, not supporting her etc etc. This is usually over something like what colour rug to buy, whether she should take a coat when she goes out, what time to leave for a journey etc.

She also does the teenage 'everyone else does/has X'. Eg. Doris' daughter takes her put for lunch every Wednesday (said pointedly). Ignoring the fact that Doris' daughter does not work, has no children and does not have her over for Sunday lunch every week like we do MIL. Or said to the DC 'Barbara stays with her grandsons for 2 whole weeks, wouldn't that be nice'- Barbara's son lives overseas and the 2 week stay happens once every few years with no other visits inbetween. A variation of this is expecting DH to magically find the same gadget/furniture etc that Doris bought for ££££ for next to nothing (even when she could easily afford to pay the full price if she really wanted it).

It's exhausting, especially when we both work and have 2 DC that this year we have often had to supervise doing school work at home.

@justchecking1
That's really interesting. My parents exhibit all of these needy behaviours despite both being degree educated and still working FT

My mum somehow managed to sign up to a lifetime's subscription to the royal horticultural society, when trying to just send a bunch of flowers to a friend.
I had to call the RCH to fight for the money back
She was recently caught by the royal mail customs fee scam.
I wish I could confiscate their bank cards!

I have worked with the elderly for many years and am looking after my mum with dementia. This behaviour sounds very normal for almost all of the people I have worked with - and they don't have dementia.

I can see them losing confidence in their abilities, struggling to keep up with how life is changing. I constantly here 'why can't things stay the same'. 'Why is everything so complicated'

At the same time, their hearing and eyesight is declining and this makes every single little thing they do, that bit harder. Trying to read the instructions on a ready meal, reading their bank statements, looking at their mobile phones etc. Trying to catch everything someone is telling them - the GP/consultant/utility provider etc. They lose confidence and are afraid of cocking things up and it becomes easier to ask someone else to do it. On top of this they lose their physical dexterity and something as simple as using the TV remote becomes a challenge.

Until I started working with older people, I had little understanding/sympathy with their needs and I still find it really challenging. The pandemic has most definitely made all of them deteriorate.

I don't think this is normal at all, at least not in my family. We pride ourselves on self-sufficiency and fight tooth and nail to preserve it. I wish my DF at 87 would ask for my help as it would let me show him how much I love him and appreciate what he has done for me, but he is proud and able and determined to use it, not lose it. Fucking hates his iPad but battles on.

That said - barring disasters - I hope I am the same as him when/if I retire (I'm 58). I dread being a burden on my DC, and I dread boredom even more. I'd rather research a dishwasher than watch daytime bloody TV! Rage against the dying of the light...

My mum is like this and it drives me mad. She's only 58, she works full time in a professional job (using a computer and the internet daily) owns and runs her own house and car but my god she is driving me mad with some of her requests. I honestly think it's just laziness with her. She is young, and perfectly capable!

For example. We all had to take LF tests to visit a relative in a hospice the other week. Results to be sent to the hospice on the morning of the visit. No problem, except for her who claimed she didn't know how to do it or input the result to get the email back from the NHS.

I said, "just type 'covid test result' into Google and it'll bring up the link to the government website then follow the instructions Mum, it's very simple". Oh no, I can't do that I don't know how to do it, can you do it for me? Erm, no because I won't be at your house to scan the barcode, you do it.

Nope, she drove to the hospice that morning, got them to test her then drove home again all the while moaning because I could have done the test for her!

She also got me to ring to sort out her phone upgrade and contract which she was perfectly able to do herself. I spent an hour on the phone sorting it before wondering what on earth I was doing!

DH used a comparison site to switch our utilities to a cheaper supplier. She asked if he could do hers. He said no sorry, it took ages to do and he didn't have time because he's at work but that he'd send her the link to the website for her to input all of her information (you need to put your usage in, etc) and then she'd be able to see who could give her the best deal and contact them. Nope, wouldn't do it and then moaned to my brother that DH wouldn't do it for her.

I don't mind helping her when she's an elderly lady, or if she's lacking capacity at any stage. She's my mum and I will do that. We shopped for her all through the pandemic because she is CV, DH does heavy lifting and some DIY at hers when she needs help. We're not unreasonable. But she is and if she's like this at 58 god help us in twenty years time!

And you know having now RTFT I can see that my mother is the same age as some of you posting! So you're having these problems with your 70/80 year old parents... mine is your age! (I'm 37).

My mum and dh's mum ate fine. Our dads, however, are not. My dad lives alone and is an alcoholic (something which he knows but denies) and has been for many, many years. He's getting more confused and needs support with a lot of things now whereas he used to be fit and strong and could at least function.

The worst part of growing up for me is watching my parents age and decline.