Anyone else feel like their own parents now want parenting?

[BeachEgg]

Parents or in-laws. I have it with both. They’re all healthy, live independently, have no need of care. But they increasingly seem to want a level of ‘looking after’ that’s getting harder and harder.

I don’t mean physically looking after though. It’s more general life admin stuff. Like “I’ve got some bills I need you to look at, you know how bad I am with money” or “the guttering does need repairing but I wouldn’t even know where to start getting someone to do it…” or “I need a new dishwasher, can you find a good one for me to get?” I don’t know anything about dishwashers, pick one. “But could you just…”, again and again and again.

Or things which seem smaller but really add up. “What time should I set off for this?” “What should we eat tonight?” “This number keeps calling me and I don’t pick up but they don’t leave a message, what do they want?” “These chocolates have gone past their sell by date but only by one day and they’ve been in the fridge, am I still safe to eat them?”

I get that as parents get older they will need more looking after. And I do love my parents and ILs and want to help them where they need it. But I’ve got small children and I work full time and I’m constantly knackered. I love that they can now visit us again but Christ I am SO FED UP of finally getting my kids to bed after a day of non-stop busy busy busy everything, only to find my mum waiting for me on the sofa next to a pile of unopened letters and bills for me to deal with.

Or possibly this is normal for everyone and I’m being a total cow to be so fed up of it?

@TheSandgroper

DF is nearly 87 and I don’t get any of that. A couple of bills have moved entirely online so I had to sort that because hé doesn’t do computers. One needs monthly input so he phones me the detail. Everything else he sorts with accountant, finance advisor. He manages his commercial tenants himself , annuities and I don’t know what all else.

He is starting to tidy up a few of lifestyle details and after coming home today from the weekend with him, he is starting to slow a bit. By which I mean he is reducing his community commitments.

But, I do wish he would get a cleaner. He does everything himself and is clean and never gets sick but the house just needs a woman’s effort regularly.

Ah yes, men are genetically wired to be make less effort as cleaners. Biology 101.

Christ, talk about being part of the problem.

I'm reading all these posts and feeling somewhat sad and more than a wee bit angry.
Yes, I can understand peoples' frustrations when their elderly parents seem to be "taking the p*ss", and feigning helplessness.
But not when they are genuinely becoming frail/forgetful/and generally less able because of getting older.
And of course caring for elderly parents can be brutally difficult.
I am not going to get into the debate as to whether or not we owe our parents for what they did for us, but we are all going to be old one day, (unless we die young), and it would be wise to remember that.
Some of these posts are frankly coming across as downright mean and totally uncaring.

'I am not going to get into the debate as to whether or not we owe our parents for what they did for us, but we are all going to be old one day, (unless we die young), and it would be wise to remember that.'

That's just the thing, some parents have done more for their dc than others and hopefully that will show in their later life. Those that haven't been great can't really wonder why their grown dc aren't around so much.

My in-laws do this. Most recently they asked me to compare the prices of gammon in different supermarkets.
MIL has recently retired as a university lecturer and FIL was a physicist so there's no reason for them to ask me 500 questions a day that have simple answers or solutions.

@GrandmaSteglitszch this is not just since my dad's death.

My mum, as much as I love her, is a whole long story in herself.

It is a genuine phenomenon, it's to do with frontal lobe impairment as we age.

Happens at different ages to different people, but would come to all of us if we lived long enough.

Things like struggling to cope with things that are out of routine, taking on new learning, weighing up pros and cons and coming to a conclusion, future planning and being able to predict the consequences of one's actions, and (most annoyingly) the ability to empathise with others and see how our actions impact them, are all prime features.

There are lots of coping strategies, but it's far easier to rely on one's children!

@Popcornbetty honestly I've no idea! DP has supported her since he was 16 as she is technically disabled and feels like he owes it to her. She actually has another son too, just doesn't bother asking him for anything! It really annoys me, especially telling him that he has his priorities wrong as he wants to save for his unborn child!

That sounds so stressful @Amijustagrump could your dh help your MIL formulate a spreadsheet of her fianaces? It really should not be your expense.

finances*

@justchecking1

It is a genuine phenomenon, it's to do with frontal lobe impairment as we age.

Happens at different ages to different people, but would come to all of us if we lived long enough.

Things like struggling to cope with things that are out of routine, taking on new learning, weighing up pros and cons and coming to a conclusion, future planning and being able to predict the consequences of one's actions, and (most annoyingly) the ability to empathise with others and see how our actions impact them, are all prime features.

There are lots of coping strategies, but it's far easier to rely on one's children!

In my late 60s, and I don't have this yet - but forewarned is forearmed so thanks!

That's interesting @justchecking1. Weirdly reassuring.

My mother definitely struggles with things outside her comfort zone. I think a lot of it is to do with being retired as well. Things like a scam phone call seems more important if you don't have anything else to occupy your time, perhaps?

What I never expecting about my parents getting "old' is being expected to listen to petty things about their friendships. My mother is part of a group of women, all late 60s, 70s etc, and they are like teenagers. Quarreling and giving each other the silent treatment

@Popcornbetty tried that in the past, she just won't have it! She does have 10 pints of milk in her fridge and 5 loaves of bread at a time though.. then wonders where her money went! We have an ongoing sweepstake on how quickly she will waste the inheritance she is due

Hope my adult DCs are reading this - might appreciate me a bit more

Ah yes, men are genetically wired to be make less effort as cleaners. Biology 101.

Christ, talk about being part of the problem.

Don't know if anyone else has also found their parents getting increasingly old fashioned in their views as they get older?

My mum, who fitted a new automatic choke to her car with the aid of a Haynes manual back in the day, did all the DIY and even fairly recently would, for instance replace the heating element in her fan oven with the assistance of YouTube, now seems to think a penis is required to do such challenging tasks as mowing the lawn and driving more than five miles.

My parents are in their 70s and manage their own stuff.

MIL is amazing, in her 80s and has recently learned to do loads online as FIL's dementia means he can't any more. She asks for support sometimes.

We're happy to help when needed but I think it's better if people can retain their skills as long as they can, otherwise they can lose confidence.

@MintyCedric

Sounds pretty standard.

My mum is 82...I'm an only child. I find it incredibly frustrating as she's always been very competent and capable.

She called complaining of an issue with her leg last night for which she was given antibiotics on Tuesday, but she's not taken them because she is going into hospital for a procedure tomorrow.

She could have asked the GP or the nurse at pre-OP if it was okay to take them but she's just decided not to and leg is now worse.

I frequently get calls along the lines 'of how long do you cook x for?' - she's not a natural in the kitchen but she's perfectly capable of using the internet.

My dad passed away 7 weeks ago after 18 months declining with frailty. He was bedridden, doubly incontinent, partially sighted, struggled to feed himself and frequently away with the fairies for the last six months and I found him easier to deal with tbh.

So she’s been a widow for 7 weeks and is about to go into hospital?

Cut her a little slack…

Technology wise, yes. Otherwise, no.

MIL on the other hand can't buy a single thing without input from DH. Only he could possibly have the brainpower to properly research. It's quite sweet that she values his opinion but he has no spare time, so between the numerous conversations and research, it takes away a lot of family time.

@squashyhat

God this is depressing. Why do people just give up like this? I'm 60 which I assume is close to some of these parents' ages. No children. I guess I'll just have to carry on figuring things out for myself.

I'm a similar age and I'm assuming they're nearer 80. I don't recognise this at all among my friends.

My perfectly healthy MIL is starting to be like this. My parents still very much parent us (and are hands on with their grandchildren) despite not being much younger, which makes it more irritating. Even if you accept the premise that we all owe our parents for looking after us as children, which I don’t, nothing explains her having the same expectation of me except sheer sexism. I find it infuriating, especially as it hasn’t really been earned by her parenting of my husband over the years.

My parents aren’t there yet, but I do really notice the thing with their world shrinking. They’ve become far, far too interested in what their neighbours or random people out the window are doing. I blame lockdown for that rather than age. The overall effect on people’s cognition must have been terrible.

I'm 69 today and I've noticed (since lockdown?) that I've lost a bit of confidence when it comes to travelling, driving to new places (is there any parking, will it be easy?) and tend to micromanage beforehand rather than leave it to chance. My advice to those of you with needy parents is to say, gently, that you can't help with researching cookers etc at the moment as you've got a lot on. Don't offer alternative solutions as they will still ask you to do it for them but please recognise when your support is really important to them and step up.

Some of these posts are frankly coming across as downright mean and totally uncaring.
This ⬆️

I wish my mum was still here so I could support her.

@Nanny0gg

I have expressed, along with others, frustration at the situation. I haven't said anywhere that I've refused to engage or support my parents.

After juggling their needs along with a full time job and being a single parent for over 18 months, I've taken a year's unpaid leave to look after dad and support mum, with no other family support whatsoever.

I've fed my dad, sat with him for hours waiting for him to get the medical treatment he needed that was incredibly difficult in the middle of the pandemic, helped him with physio exercises, managed carers and respite care, fought to try and get him hospice support which wasn't forthcoming, helped him pee in a portable urinal, administered suppositories and cleaned soiled beds in the middle of night.

All of this whilst supporting mum emotionally and practically to the best of my ability, even though she has frequently been unkind to my dad and unappreciative of my efforts.

Whilst I was organising dad's funeral, my mum was mooning over another man and signing up to Widows Dating Online, and whilst I appreciate the latter at least is probably the action of an anxious elderly woman who is scared of being alone, it's been pretty hard to contend with whilst trying to deal with my own grief.

So as for cutting some slack...

My parents are like this, ILs are the opposite and are older than my parents. I don't think that getting older is an excuse for this sort of burdening imo.

My ILs are stiflingly interfering though and DH can't seem to make any life decisions without checking in with them first 🙄

My MIL is like this. DH complains she outsources every single task and she does. She doesn't even try to help herself. Early 60s, fit and healthy. If she wants a restaurant booking, a passport application, choosing a TV, any holiday paperwork, a job application - literally every single thing she does all day she asks us or friends to do it for her. DH has fallen out with her over it saying he will help if she tries and can't, but she will play the "oh it's only this!" And it's very very draining especially when you already have toddlers to look after and work full time.

@Yrevocsid. Yes totally right there with your comment about losing the ability to read the instructions! My MIL is just the same. It’s really hard work at times.

whereischiomunk oh that sounds familiar! ‘It’ll only take you five minutes…’

We have pushed back with ‘at least TRY to do it yourself first’ with the parent who does most of this, but they find it ‘all too stressful’