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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Being accused of looking at other men

109 replies

Naz2009 · 11/07/2021 00:45

If I was looking at other men. I would hold my hands up and say "yes I did"
I've had enough of this shit, it's come to a point I don't go out with my husband anymore. When I do go out with him. I'm constantly worried about where I'm looking or standing or going. So he wouldn't start to accuse me. It's horrible to live like this.
It first started 2 years ago. During the time his mum had terminal cancer. He was watching her die and it was tough. He began to change towards me. Started to isolate etc and then one day randomly he just went crazy. Said "you look at other men, you're having a affair, you think I don't know. I see it all, you talk to other men when I'm not around" etc etc
I was shocked he thought such filth about me. I told him to go through my phone to prove to him nothing was going on. He knew he was being stupid and he never did go through my phone and emails etc.
Then his mum died and things got back to normal. Chilling and happy.
Then out the blue, he went crazy again. Same old shit, saying I've seen you look at men. Why do they look you. You must do something to attract them. Why did you have to go to the male Tesco worker to ask for help. Why not find a women.
Third time was when we come back from a family party and he said " I saw you looking at other men. You think I'm blind, you do it right Infront of me"
Today we went out to a funfair with our 5 year old, then a meal.
At the funfair I was very scared and cautious, there where other dads there and I was worried not to stand near one. Or not to have to make eye contact etc.
My husband was watching me like a hawk.
It was easier for me to just look at the ground.
But I'm sure if I had. My husband would of accused me of standing and posing. I kid you not.
I was watching my DD on a ride and my husband had gone to sit on a bench. He come back and tapped me and said "what you doing, sharking other men up"
I can't even tell you how scared and upset I felt. This thought in my head just said. "Oh no not this shit again" I said I'm looking at my daughter.
Ladies I promise you, I was only looking at her watching her go round on the ride.
When we went out to eat after.
He said "The waiter was looking at you. Clearly you had done something for him to look at you."
When he went to pay. He said the cashier was looking at you and you looked at him. Why did you and I agree I did look up at him and then turned my back and waited for hubby to pay up. To make sure my hubby knew I wasn't looking around at other customers I even started to talk to my DD.
He said to me in anger. You could of walked back to the car. You didn't need to wait for me to pay. You stayed there cuz you like to be looked at and you like to look. You're a pervert. It naturally comes to you.
Ladies I'm crying as I'm typing this. Coz I'm telling you the truth. I wear modest clothing, I don't I swear I DO NOT SHARK UP OTHER MEN
His fiancé before me, suddenly dumped him, whilst he was away on a business trip. Saying she had met another man and wanted to be with him.
DH was left heart broken.
I feel it's what she done to him that's made him insecure.
When he is with me, he is constantly watching me where I am looking.
When we are on holiday, he will start to tell me off rather than tell the next man don't stare at wife.
I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Graphista · 11/07/2021 00:50

His insecurity is NO EXCUSE for this shit.

Personally I'd be out the door.

At the very least if I were you - and you feel safe to do so - I would be saying to him to cut this crap or else you will be leaving!

It's insane!

Don't be upset you have done NOTHING wrong!

frozendaisy · 11/07/2021 01:43

You were very scared there were other dad's at a fun fair?

That should be all the information you need.

Aquamarine1029 · 11/07/2021 01:45

RUN FOR YOUR LIFE. Your husband is a very dangerous man and his abuse is only beginning. I am serious, get away from him as quickly as you can.

username18702 · 11/07/2021 02:00

What do you mean you're wearing 'modest clothing' you're not in Iran. who the fuck does he think he is?

OP I know you have a young child and it's difficult, but I suggest you have a chat with the National Helpline. You don't need to call, you can chat online: www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/

He's displaying very aggressive and controlling behaviour and will (as you've experienced) likely escalate.

OP get some advice and take it from there.

username18702 · 11/07/2021 02:01

His fiancé before me, suddenly dumped him, whilst he was away on a business trip.

She ran for her life OP.

Twinkletwinklelittlecar · 11/07/2021 06:54

I agree with the others, he's abusing you.

OrchestraOfWankery · 11/07/2021 06:59

@username18702

His fiancé before me, suddenly dumped him, whilst he was away on a business trip.

She ran for her life OP.

I agree. Sounds like she was terrified of him and waited until he was away to get herself free and safe.
TooManyAnimals94 · 11/07/2021 07:03

He sounds awful. If it was just paranoia or insecurity it might be possible to work on but calling you a pervert and expecting you to be responsible for where other people look (if they're even looking) is messed up and not something you can live with.

Jenala · 11/07/2021 07:05

It sounds to me like his ex ran away the second she got the chance OP. I think it's quite likely she didn't tell him she met someone else - that's what he's said. He thinks women are constantly looking for attention from other men after all. I imagine if you left, he will tell his next partner that you left him for someone else, you always acted badly and tried to flirt with other men etc. And she will likely feel sorry for him and maybe post on here saying his ex girlfriends both left him for other people so he can't help it. Do you see you can't trust his perspective? He sounds awful. His comments wouldn't be out of place on this thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4292614-What-s-the-most-bizarreness-thing-you-ve-been-told-by-your-abusive-partner?msgid=108967662

I'm worried it'll only get worse op.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 11/07/2021 07:05

No OP, this has nothing to do with his ex. Perhaps that's where the insecurity started but know he's realise this is a great way to control and mentally torture you. You need to leave him because this isn't going to get any better. Trust me, these are not genuine thoughts he is having, it's abuse tactics.

Englishgirl9 · 11/07/2021 07:13

This is emotional abuse. I would suggest he has therapy and you can see if he improves, but more likely he will escalate and you should probably leave him.

My friends husband is exactly the same, accuses her constantly so they rarely go out together. He drops her off and picks her up if she comes out with me to check she's not meeting men. So she's stopped going out with me too. He also cheats on her frequently, so his accusations are because of his own guilt. It's just no way to live.

You can't live life staring at the floor because you are scared of your own partner. Your daughter deserves a better setting to grow up, not to watch her mum being abused and walking on eggshells constantly.

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep · 11/07/2021 07:13

This is nothing to do with his ex fiancé and everything to do with him being a controlling abuser.
You are going to have to leave, he is ruining your life.

QueSeraSarah · 11/07/2021 07:15

He's going to hurt you one day. Leave before he gets the chance.

Sakurami · 11/07/2021 07:20

You need to leave

girlmom21 · 11/07/2021 07:25

Please leave him - this will only escalate

Youarestillintherunning · 11/07/2021 07:25

I can say with my whole heart, this is abuse. Please understand that op. I was in a relationship exactly like this. He was getting increasingly aggressive and angry so I did everything possible to try and reassure him. It started with me giving him passwords to my social media and changing my profile pictures on social media to his face as he would kick off if any male messaged me/liked my status etc, I would stare at the floor or at him when we were out, and pray that no man would speak to me. I lived in constant fear. I used to call him on my breaks at work so he knew I wasn't talking to anyone else. He heard a male voice in the background as two blokes were walking past, he started calling me a dirty whole, saying that if i didn't leave work right now and get home he would smash my stuff up. I did everything possible to placate him, but it just gets worse the more that you do to try and make them feel secure. It literally started with him saying things like "i just don't want to lose you" and ended with him threatening to kill himself evwrytime another man paid any attention to me,even shopkeepers just doing their job. Please get out op, I promise it only gets worse

Blueuggboots · 11/07/2021 07:33

This is chilling.
You do know this isn't normal don't you?
My partner and I laugh at each other if we find someone physically attractive and tell each other. We choose to be together so what's the issue?
Your husband is a cunt. Leave.

Isthisit22 · 11/07/2021 07:39

Leave him.
He has no right to treat you like this. Can't believe you're reduced to trying to look at the floor on days out!
Leave and get back you dignity and happiness

SweatyBetty20 · 11/07/2021 08:13

My ex did this - he said it was because his ex girlfriend just upped and left one day and he said he had “trust issues”. It just got worse and worse - checking my social media, kicking off if I went out with my friends. We had a five hour row once after a barman said he liked my tattoo. You really need to get out now.

MapGirlExtraordinaire · 11/07/2021 08:18

As well as adding my voice to the chorus saying this is abuse, leave him, I'll also add that often this is projection and he's looking at other women and quite possibly more.

Either way, get out!

Whydidimarryhim · 11/07/2021 08:21

This is abuse - he knows what he is doing and he now has power over you. Really listen to the posters on here. He is deliberately trying to destroy you. He has you looking to the floor and fearful.
No matter how insecure he is it is not acceptable.
His ex didn’t make him insecure!!! No she did one!!! Ask yourself why?
If you are in the uk I’d suggest you speak to women’s aid.
When someone shows you who they are believe them.
What type of man would want you petrified to be yourself.
You are NOT doing anything wrong -💐💐

Umberellatheweatha · 11/07/2021 08:26

His ex probably didn't leave him for another man either. But because he was a nutcase that kept accusing her of it.

Either way op, this is not insecurity, its controlling behaviour. He knows fine you arent looking at other men. But he wants you to fixate on 'proving' that too him. And it's working. He is driving you nuts. Scaring you, intimidating you, worrying you,making you walk on egg shells. All that is his plan.

Run for your life! Do whatever it takes to get away from this lunatic.

If you look at his behaviour you will likely see other signs of control and abuse. Either way, it's coming.

Dont let your daughter grow up seeing her mother stay and accept this treatment. Or she'll think this shit is normal.

Stop making excuses for him. He does it because he wants to control you, to break you. There is no excuse for that shit. Run!

And yes, he will claim you left him for another man too. But that's because he is fucking crazy. Let him claim what he likes, just dont let him live under your roof.

Naz2009 · 11/07/2021 08:41

I do feel safe enough to say I'm walking out. Second time he did this, I did walk out.
He had to come looking for me. Begging me to return back home. But he never said he was wrong and never said I'm sorry.
He won't ever hit me, we have been together for 13 years and married for 11. We have a very happy marriage. I kid you not we are very happy. Best friends before anything else. Daily we tell each other we love one another. He is an amazing dad to our DD. We have no problems at all. Apart from this!!
Our family and friends have openly said how they envy our relationship.
It's ever since 2019 when his mum got cancer and she was dying. I don't know what happened to him.
Like a switch went off.
I've told him, I can't go out with him as I'm constantly thinking avoid eye contact with any Amman. Incase you see me and start to blame me.
I've told him how it's become a fear now.
He did say "ok maybe I'm crazy, it's all in my head" but it wasn't satisfactory enough.
A few weeks ago we went out and I caught a man looking up at a Muslim women who was fully veiled up head to toe covered.
I quickly pointed out how that man is eyeing up that women yet he can't even see her. Some men are curious and look. Not all are pervs. Are you going to blame her now and say. She is doing something for men to look at her. My husbands face was a picture. You could see the remorse on his face.
He knows deep down I'm not doing what he is thinking.
If he has caught men looking at me. Then it's not my doing. I'm not shouting from roof tops. Come stare at me.

OP posts:
Naz2009 · 11/07/2021 08:43

@username18702 thanks for the link. I will use this and see what advice they have to offer me.

OP posts:
ENGLANDitscominhome · 11/07/2021 08:52

Are you from a culture that men sometimes assume that if you don't cover your entire body then you are not modest and inciting attention from men?

You cannot live in this abusive controlling relationship. You must leave. He needs help for his behaviour. You need to live and be free from this abuser.

Please leave and don't let him persuade you to return like he did that time