Being accused of looking at other men

[Naz2009]

If I was looking at other men. I would hold my hands up and say "yes I did"
I've had enough of this shit, it's come to a point I don't go out with my husband anymore. When I do go out with him. I'm constantly worried about where I'm looking or standing or going. So he wouldn't start to accuse me. It's horrible to live like this.
It first started 2 years ago. During the time his mum had terminal cancer. He was watching her die and it was tough. He began to change towards me. Started to isolate etc and then one day randomly he just went crazy. Said "you look at other men, you're having a affair, you think I don't know. I see it all, you talk to other men when I'm not around" etc etc
I was shocked he thought such filth about me. I told him to go through my phone to prove to him nothing was going on. He knew he was being stupid and he never did go through my phone and emails etc.
Then his mum died and things got back to normal. Chilling and happy.
Then out the blue, he went crazy again. Same old shit, saying I've seen you look at men. Why do they look you. You must do something to attract them. Why did you have to go to the male Tesco worker to ask for help. Why not find a women.
Third time was when we come back from a family party and he said " I saw you looking at other men. You think I'm blind, you do it right Infront of me"
Today we went out to a funfair with our 5 year old, then a meal.
At the funfair I was very scared and cautious, there where other dads there and I was worried not to stand near one. Or not to have to make eye contact etc.
My husband was watching me like a hawk.
It was easier for me to just look at the ground.
But I'm sure if I had. My husband would of accused me of standing and posing. I kid you not.
I was watching my DD on a ride and my husband had gone to sit on a bench. He come back and tapped me and said "what you doing, sharking other men up"
I can't even tell you how scared and upset I felt. This thought in my head just said. "Oh no not this shit again" I said I'm looking at my daughter.
Ladies I promise you, I was only looking at her watching her go round on the ride.
When we went out to eat after.
He said "The waiter was looking at you. Clearly you had done something for him to look at you."
When he went to pay. He said the cashier was looking at you and you looked at him. Why did you and I agree I did look up at him and then turned my back and waited for hubby to pay up. To make sure my hubby knew I wasn't looking around at other customers I even started to talk to my DD.
He said to me in anger. You could of walked back to the car. You didn't need to wait for me to pay. You stayed there cuz you like to be looked at and you like to look. You're a pervert. It naturally comes to you.
Ladies I'm crying as I'm typing this. Coz I'm telling you the truth. I wear modest clothing, I don't I swear I DO NOT SHARK UP OTHER MEN
His fiancé before me, suddenly dumped him, whilst he was away on a business trip. Saying she had met another man and wanted to be with him.
DH was left heart broken.
I feel it's what she done to him that's made him insecure.
When he is with me, he is constantly watching me where I am looking.
When we are on holiday, he will start to tell me off rather than tell the next man don't stare at wife.
I don't know what to do.

@Naz2009

Ladies thank you for your advice. After reading stories of how some of you have gone through similar and worse has scared me. It's very unfair and I hate this fear when I'm outside with me. Few days ago he was talking about going to Wales for 5 days during the school holidays and I just thought what would he do if I looked at someone or someone looked at me. Rather than get excited to finally getaway even if it is a staycation. I was anxious about her paranoia. How shall I go about this

Off topic but that would be a holiday, not a staycation. Using that to describe a UK holiday means that it's only a holiday if it's overseas. A staycation is when you don't actually go anywhere, stay at home, do stuff at home and go on day trips etc. Otherwise, it's, well, a holiday.

But back on topic if you are terrified of this, what would happen if when he accused you of looking at blokes etc you just replied with 'really?' ie the grey rock stuff. Would it make it worse?

If this is the beginning of an abusive relationship then I'm kicking him out.

It's not the beginning of an abusive relationship, it's a well established one.

You keep saying you're happy 'apart from' this issue. But 'this issue' is - paranoia, emotional abuse, verbal abuse, accusations and a woman who is now scared to make eye contact with males so looks at the floor.

Your children aren't witnessing a happy relationship if their mum has to look at the ground to avoid getting accused of flirting with other men. They're witnessing a woman who has been conditioned by abuse. This will shape their lives. Hugely.

@namechangedForthus

I do this to my DH. I have INSANE jealousy. It’s awful. However we know the reason, we know the triggers and I’m going through help with it

You accuse your partner of wanting to shag women / accuse him of flirting with women if he so much as makes eye contact with them?

Don't you think that if you love him it would be better to leave the relationship in which you're emotionally abusing him while you work on yourself, then see how things are when you've done so?

It's an awful way for him to live and as long as you stay together, a part of you will think well it's not that bad or he would have left. It is that bad though, it's awful.

a woman who is now scared to make eye contact with males so looks at the floor.

The dressing "modestly" also seems to be in part (at the very least) to his behaviour. So op is choosing clothes based on his abuse too.

Truth is I remember I looked at the guy and then looked away and went to our table. How can I stop myself from making eye contact or looking at someone if they are in my eyesight. Please tell me. Am I really looking. Do I have a problem to stare. I could have and I'm not aware. You can't really answer that unless you see me for yourself

But you’re allowed to look at other men for god sake, and they’re allowed to look at you. Is your husband equally careful not to look or be looked at by women? Do you police who he looks at? I bet you don’t. He does it because he doesn’t see you as less than him, he doesn’t see you as his best friend, you’re his property.

He does it because he doesn’t see you as less than him

Because he sees you as less than him.

You need to get out of this relationship ASAP. For men like this it's only the start and they end up killing their partners. It sounds like I'm exaggerating but this is honestly the top of a very slippery slope. If nothing else please don't make this your daughter's example of how a relationship should be.

How can I stop myself from making eye contact or looking at someone if they are in my eyesight.

You can't.

It's normal, natural behaviour to look at people in your line of sight and vice versa.

You shouldn't have to try to avoid that.

You're pandering to insanity.

Having been in a very similar situation I can tell you it does not get better. It got so bad for me that I became a recluse and didn't want to go anywhere just to avoid having those arguments or constantly trying to prove you not doing anything. He then started accusing me of fancying men on the telly or only listening to men's music. I dreaded watching anything incase a good looking man was on. I can tell you though this is nothing to do with you.....sounds like it's his own insecurities. No one should live like that. Get out while you still can.

[quote youvegottenminuteslynn]@namechangedForthus

I do this to my DH. I have INSANE jealousy. It’s awful. However we know the reason, we know the triggers and I’m going through help with it

You accuse your partner of wanting to shag women / accuse him of flirting with women if he so much as makes eye contact with them?

Don't you think that if you love him it would be better to leave the relationship in which you're emotionally abusing him while you work on yourself, then see how things are when you've done so?

It's an awful way for him to live and as long as you stay together, a part of you will think well it's not that bad or he would have left. It is that bad though, it's awful. [/quote]
Fully aware it’s awful. We reached a low point and worked out why and it’s my issue in dealing with it and for us it’s right it’s ty together and work through this
OP may be dealing with a totally different issue though and for her it might be best to leave we don’t know all the facts.

It’s hellish though whatever side of it you’re on

@FootieFever22

How can I stop myself from making eye contact or looking at someone if they are in my eyesight.

You can't.

It's normal, natural behaviour to look at people in your line of sight and vice versa.

You shouldn't have to try to avoid that.

You're pandering to insanity.

Exactly this you can’t. But your dp is not seeing things logically just as I didn’t

Whatever his reason for this all he will see is something that makes him angry and jealous because he is hyper vigilant
This then makes you extremely stressed and it can make you ill.

He needs therapy. CBT. He needs to go out and think what am I looking at ? Just because something is right there doesn’t mean you register it totally he needs therapy whether you stay together or not

OP may be dealing with a totally different issue though and for her it might be best to leave we don’t know all the facts.

She absolutely should leave - no 'might' about it. We don't know 'all the facts' obviously, but we do know she is being emotionally and verbally abused to the point she feels she has to look at the floor when outside for fear of her husband's reactions.

I would suggest gently that if you think this is a situation where it just 'might' be better to leave but it might not as 'we don't know all the facts', you have an incredibly worrying take on acceptable relationship dynamics and cannot recognise clear and indisputable abuse.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

OP may be dealing with a totally different issue though and for her it might be best to leave we don’t know all the facts.

She absolutely should leave - no 'might' about it. We don't know 'all the facts' obviously, but we do know she is being emotionally and verbally abused to the point she feels she has to look at the floor when outside for fear of her husband's reactions.

I would suggest gently that if you think this is a situation where it just 'might' be better to leave but it might not as 'we don't know all the facts', you have an incredibly worrying take on acceptable relationship dynamics and cannot recognise clear and indisputable abuse.

Yes I agree with what you are saying about OP it sounds awful and I don’t know all the facts. I can only speak about my experience as being the partner who was controlling.

I do think though that to err on the side of caution and OP should get her spelt to a place away from him. He could be doing this for all sorts of reasons, not to say any are good reasons but I can see how often this could lead to violence which in my case wasn’t a factor but if OP maybe in danger then you’re right she should leave

Unless the abuser will hold their hands up and say ‘I’m wrong I need to stop’ and immediately and genuinely seek help and therapy then a relationship like this has to end

I just came on to give the other perspective as someone who has been there

I have been in a similar situation, in which I would have said "we love each other, best friends" etc - but looking back it was only because I was toeing the line, and if I'd done anything to "upset" him then it would no longer be a good relationship.

I actually don't think there's anything wrong with looking at other people. As you say, you can't stop your eyes noticing things. In my current (good) relationship, neither of us would be upset if the other one pointed out a nice looking person - we trust each other, and know that neither of us wants someone else.

I do think your partner's lack of trust in you suggests that maybe he is not trustworthy himself - people tend to suspect others of thinking like they do.

You sound like a strong and kind person; I hope the information on here helps you to find the best way through for yourself.

june31 thank you for sharing how this can progress even if you keep yourself hidden away. I hope you have been able to get out of that situation.

Oh, fuck this shit, OP.

He's using Pick Up Artist terminology (sharking) that describes predatory male behaviour towards women to accuse you of things you aren't doing. Whether this is because he's around other men, like his brothers, who are like that with women, whether it's because he's started reading Incel/woman hating stuff online or whether he's actually doing it himself on the quiet doesn't matter - it's an attitude you should not have to endure.

The fact that he's described as a Mummy's Boy by his ex actually makes it more likely that he's fallen into the pattern of seeing women as prey, as it appeals to some men like that to think of themselves as strong and no women can help but be manipulated by them.

Fuck him off, go on holiday without him, enjoy yourself without him accusing you of what is clearly going on in his own head (if he isn't doing it to other women already).

It's not you, it's him.

He could be doing this for all sorts of reasons, not to say any are good reasons but I can see how often this could lead to violence which in my case wasn’t a factor but if OP maybe in danger then you’re right she should leave

I don't think you're understanding my point though - regardless of whether she's in physical danger, she should leave this relationship because it is abusing. We shouldn't be implying that people should only leave a relationship if they are at risk of physical abuse. He's putting OP through essentially psychological torture - she is second guessing where she looks when she's just walking around, she's being told by him she is the one who needs help to change, that she is mad.

She is already in danger - she is already being abused - the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is zero.

He sounds dangerous. In fact he sounds exactly like my mums boyfriend. He would say things like this to my mum. He was never violent towards her and everyone talked about how he adored my mum.....

Well, he was only violent to her once and that one time he killed her. You need to get out and get your child out as this situation has the potential to escalate.

@TheDevils

He sounds dangerous. In fact he sounds exactly like my mums boyfriend. He would say things like this to my mum. He was never violent towards her and everyone talked about how he adored my mum.....

Well, he was only violent to her once and that one time he killed her. You need to get out and get your child out as this situation has the potential to escalate.

I'm so, so sorry about your mum

I'd say no wonder you think I look at other men. You must know you're a cunt

I'm so, so sorry about your mum

Thank you.

I've been in this position, but also got told to "Pack the fuck in" if I ignored men that spoke to me such as a shop assistant etc, because he was clever enough to realise how it looked and that it reflected badly on him, so I couldn't win really.
He was a serial cheat and the behaviour got worse when he was at it again, though I didn't see that until afterwards.
I still even now, remember little things that were clues to the real person he was, 5 years on, for example, if there was a romantic scene on the TV he'd comment 'slut!' and laugh about the woman, it didn't even register for me until much, much later that that was part of all this. Such a small thing but so telling when put together with other behaviour, that on it's own most people would tell you you were overreacting about. But it was the tip of the iceberg for how he treated women, and he too put himself across as a soft and gentle mummy's boy, really laid back etc when he was anything but, many of the women in his family circle were I think, scared of him as they toed the line too. They knew what he was like.

He now tells new women I am the cause of all his trust issues and the psycho ex and won't leave him alone...... He tries to get back in touch every so often and I ignore and block him, he can't stand that I left him, it still smarts him I think that I dared to. Some get in touch with me and tell me to leave him alone - he still thinks he's got control, but they get ignored and blocked too.

Get out and get out now, I think if you really analyse your relationship you'll see these small and insignificant things that you maybe don't think you notice or worry about that have been present all along, that he's manipulated you into accepting, that are all part of this.
It's escalated to this, it will escalate further.

This is domestic abuse.
It can work differently depending on the perpetrator. If you believe he is not dangerous you could counter him.
"I am not living like this, if you dont trust me then you need to take your yourself elsewhere & take the abuse with you."
But it probably goes deeper than you think.
Has he slowly disapproved of your family & friends
Do you feel happy going out on a work do, or with girl friends?
Do you have hobbies?
Could you go on holiday alone?
Does he make comments about your clothes/make-up if you go out?
Question where you are & with whom, in depth?
My guess he will refuse to see the doctor, or therapist, You are the problem, not him !
Most abusers of this sort are chronically jealous, lacking in confidence & control their partners to prove they are bigger & better than you.
There is little hope of "fixing" him.
Remember your DC will learn that this is how relationships work.
IMHO,& experience, you need to leave

[quote Naz2009]@username18702 thanks for the link. I will use this and see what advice they have to offer me.
[/quote]
It's no problem. You've taken the biggest step which is acknowledging what's happening isn't right. You've come to check in with others to validate your feelings and then it's just a phone call/chat next to get some professional advice.

OP when you're in the middle of it, it's very difficult to see clearly. There's something called the 'fog of abuse' which is where you are now. You're rationalising and minimising. You can't see how bad his behaviour is - it's only when you're away from the abuse and see it with distance, you'll think 'What the hell!'

So, so many survivors wonder why they didn't leave a lot earlier. You're doing really well.