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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Being accused of looking at other men

109 replies

Naz2009 · 11/07/2021 00:45

If I was looking at other men. I would hold my hands up and say "yes I did"
I've had enough of this shit, it's come to a point I don't go out with my husband anymore. When I do go out with him. I'm constantly worried about where I'm looking or standing or going. So he wouldn't start to accuse me. It's horrible to live like this.
It first started 2 years ago. During the time his mum had terminal cancer. He was watching her die and it was tough. He began to change towards me. Started to isolate etc and then one day randomly he just went crazy. Said "you look at other men, you're having a affair, you think I don't know. I see it all, you talk to other men when I'm not around" etc etc
I was shocked he thought such filth about me. I told him to go through my phone to prove to him nothing was going on. He knew he was being stupid and he never did go through my phone and emails etc.
Then his mum died and things got back to normal. Chilling and happy.
Then out the blue, he went crazy again. Same old shit, saying I've seen you look at men. Why do they look you. You must do something to attract them. Why did you have to go to the male Tesco worker to ask for help. Why not find a women.
Third time was when we come back from a family party and he said " I saw you looking at other men. You think I'm blind, you do it right Infront of me"
Today we went out to a funfair with our 5 year old, then a meal.
At the funfair I was very scared and cautious, there where other dads there and I was worried not to stand near one. Or not to have to make eye contact etc.
My husband was watching me like a hawk.
It was easier for me to just look at the ground.
But I'm sure if I had. My husband would of accused me of standing and posing. I kid you not.
I was watching my DD on a ride and my husband had gone to sit on a bench. He come back and tapped me and said "what you doing, sharking other men up"
I can't even tell you how scared and upset I felt. This thought in my head just said. "Oh no not this shit again" I said I'm looking at my daughter.
Ladies I promise you, I was only looking at her watching her go round on the ride.
When we went out to eat after.
He said "The waiter was looking at you. Clearly you had done something for him to look at you."
When he went to pay. He said the cashier was looking at you and you looked at him. Why did you and I agree I did look up at him and then turned my back and waited for hubby to pay up. To make sure my hubby knew I wasn't looking around at other customers I even started to talk to my DD.
He said to me in anger. You could of walked back to the car. You didn't need to wait for me to pay. You stayed there cuz you like to be looked at and you like to look. You're a pervert. It naturally comes to you.
Ladies I'm crying as I'm typing this. Coz I'm telling you the truth. I wear modest clothing, I don't I swear I DO NOT SHARK UP OTHER MEN
His fiancé before me, suddenly dumped him, whilst he was away on a business trip. Saying she had met another man and wanted to be with him.
DH was left heart broken.
I feel it's what she done to him that's made him insecure.
When he is with me, he is constantly watching me where I am looking.
When we are on holiday, he will start to tell me off rather than tell the next man don't stare at wife.
I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Naz2009 · 11/07/2021 09:01

@OrchestraOfWankery and @Jenala @Umberellatheweatha
yes it sounds that way that his ex ran for her life, but she had found another man whilst in relationship with my DH and got married few months right after. I actually found out who she is, I wanted to know the truth about her myself. My friend and I met up with her. She told us he was way too sweet and a mamas boy. She could tell he wouldn't take a stand for her etc. She didn't like his quiet sweet nature. She wanted to move to the city. He kept saying he wanted to be close to his family.
She told me you're lucky. He is a good guy. A gentleman and a sweet heart. If that's what you want in a man. She said she hated how she could control him. As she wanted a man to be the "man" in the relationship.

OP posts:
Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep · 11/07/2021 09:01

We have a very happy marriage. I kid you not we are very happy. Best friends before anything else. Daily we tell each other we love one another. He is an amazing dad to our DD. We have no problems at all.

Confused
Esspee · 11/07/2021 09:02

@MapGirlExtraordinaire

As well as adding my voice to the chorus saying this is abuse, leave him, I'll also add that often this is projection and he's looking at other women and quite possibly more.

Either way, get out!

I have experience of this. Blaming me when he was the one playing away.
Naz2009 · 11/07/2021 09:17

@ENGLANDitscominhome no I'm not, I'm free to wear what I want.
I choose to wear modest clothing. When I say this I mean I won't have my cleavage on show or wear a mini or shorts.
It's my personal fashion preference.
I like to change my hair colour it's one thing I love. He thinks im crazy. But he has never said "oh that man looked at you coz your hair is bright blue or pink"
On holiday in a bikini 2 years ago he got annoyed I was getting looked at and told me walk away go over there and swim
But he just couldn't go up to the man and say why you looking at my wife.
Then he later blamed me for not knowing I was getting looked at and I didn't move away.
Year before that as we sat on the plane to fly to Spain. He warned me "control your eyes"
He needs help.

OP posts:
Naz2009 · 11/07/2021 09:24

Apart from his sudden outburst of insecurities and paranoia. We have a healthy happy relationship.
He clearly needs help, that's what I have realised after my post.
One thing is for sure if he can't fix up his mental issues. I will leave, as I can't live like this. No matter how good things are this accusation and walking on eggshells outweighs the good for me.

OP posts:
Blueuggboots · 11/07/2021 09:25

We have a very happy marriage. I kid you not we are very happy. Best friends before anything else. Daily we tell each other we love one another. He is an amazing dad to our DD. We have no problems at all.

You're deluded I'm afraid.

Strugglingtodomybest · 11/07/2021 09:37

If he will accept his behaviour is wrong and genuinely wants to change it, he could enroll on a perpetrators programme.

I don't know where you live, but here's an example: www.thechange-project.org/domestic-abuse/

accentdusoleil · 11/07/2021 09:41

This is very sad to read. Have you told your friends or family in real life ?

Ughmaybenot · 11/07/2021 09:46

@username18702

His fiancé before me, suddenly dumped him, whilst he was away on a business trip.

She ran for her life OP.

Absolutely. In fact I did the very same to my abusive ex. I left while he was away with work because I’d got to the point where I was worried he’d seriously hurt me, or even kill me tbh. It all started with the exact same things you’re describing! I would look at the floor while out so as to try and avoid being accused of looking at other men. I stopped wearing matching underwear because he would argue it was for other men. I stopped wearing make up because he said I was getting done up for other men. He wasn’t insecure, he was an abusive, aggressive, violent bully. Sure it started with ‘just words’ but it escalated. And yours will too, if you give him the time to.
Ughmaybenot · 11/07/2021 09:47

Also, a ‘happy healthy marriage’ is very far from what you have. It’s not a happy marriage if it is only so because you’re behaving yourself and toeing the line to ensure he doesn’t blow up.

EveryoneIsThere · 11/07/2021 09:49

You should leave him. He sounds nasty. It's been going on too long and he's still doing it.

Naz2009 · 11/07/2021 09:51

@Strugglingtodomybest thank you so much.
I actually live in Hertfordshire and they have programs here
This is great help and a footstep in the right direction.
Smile

OP posts:
YarnOver · 11/07/2021 09:53

"We have a very happy marriage. I kid you not we are very happy. Best friends before anything else. Daily we tell each other we love one another. He is an amazing dad to our DD. We have no problems at all."

OP I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Can you try to read everything you've posted but as if it was someone else, not you writing it? Because you do have problems and you are not the best of friends.
Best friends do not make the other person literally terrified to look at another person.

You're scared to leave the house with this man, you do have serious problems and this is not a safe relationship and it's certainly not best friends.

You are at risk, you do not know that he will not hurt you, he is clearly extremely unpredictable and very abusive. Like his ex you too need to get away and quickly. For your own safety. I hope you are able to do this.

LaurieSchafferIsAllBitterNow · 11/07/2021 09:55

Those other men can see how your husband is controlling you and are probably trying to check in, make a connection to make you aware help would be there when he kicks off and causes a worse scene.

Waiting staff and bar staff are being vigilant. Have you heard of the Ask for Angela campaign?

How long before he starts on your child?

LannieDuck · 11/07/2021 09:56

This is his problem and he's the one who needs to modify his behaviour to deal with it, not you modifying yours.

layladomino · 11/07/2021 09:57
  1. Him being treated badly in a past relationship is not a reason or excuse for treating you badly. Please don't try to explain it away like that. He isn't a victim here. He's the perpetrator.
  2. You say that friends and family envy your relationship - they really wouldn't if they knew the truth. From what you have described, it sounds like a very unhealthy relationship.
  3. He clearly has a problem. It is nothing you have done. It isn't what you wear or how you look. You are doing nothing wrong. It is all in his head.
  4. Please don't keep making changes to your life to appease him. It is bad for you, you will only resent him eventually, and it is very bad for your DC. They need to see healthy, equal, mutually respectful relationships on which to base their own in the future. In any case, the more you change, the stronger his dillusions will become until you are eventually a shadow of your real self.
  5. I don't think there is any way back from this. He has never apologosed, even when you walked out. He will likely get worse and kill any love you ever had. I
  6. You say he would never hurt you. But I bet once upon a time you would have said he would never accuse you of eyeing up other men all the time?
Naz2009 · 11/07/2021 09:59

@accentdusoleil this first 2 times I hadn't told anyone. As I had out his outburst down to the stress of his mums cancer
It was a very tough time for all. To watch the cancer consume and take her life.
The third time he did this. I told my closest friend and she like majority of the posters said. He must be the one having an affair or looking at women and he accusing you.
She was sure it had nothing do with with his ex leaving him.
So we decided to find her and ask for ourself. Which we did and she confirmed she did leave him for another man. As she didn't like his mama boy sweet nature. She said he was very quiet and non confrontational. Which she didn't want in a husband.

OP posts:
Umberellatheweatha · 11/07/2021 10:02

Maybe he does 'need help' but this isn't something you should hang around for. You can't help him. And he is abusing you. Whether it's consciously or not.

Seriously though op, there is no excuse for becoming controlling. He needs to be single and work through his shit.

You've tolerated this far too long already. When you first came on here you were desperately trying to convince us that you weren't looking at men. As if we wouldn't believe you. He has already convinced you that you are in the wrong somehow.
It that you desperately need to prove your innocence.

It's too far already. Get the hell out of there.
Last year you wouldnt have thought he would do this. So what's to say that by next year it wont have developed into physical abuse. He has already shown you that you dont know him at all. Dobt rake any risks. Get out.

YarnOver · 11/07/2021 10:02

OP whilst it's awful to watch someone die (my DH and I have lost a child) it is NEVER an excuse for what he is doing. Never. You are making it a reason why he is doing this but OP, he is an abusive and dangerous man. His mother dying like that must have been awful but it is absolutely not an excuse or reason for this.

Whirlywooo · 11/07/2021 10:04

I bet his ex didn't leave him for anybody else but I bet she sure as hell did leave while he was away on a business trip - the only time she probably felt safe to do so and had probably been planning it for months.

He is abusing you. He isn't suddenly going to change and you start to have lovely days out where he doesn't accuse you of anything. It's ingrained in him - it's who he is.

Please don't spend your life like this. Protect your DD from growing up thinking this is normal/this is how men treat their partners. Because it isn't. You can do this by leaving that sorry excuse of a man.

Prokupatuscrakedatus · 11/07/2021 10:09

Even if he were not a controlling abuser but 'only' insecure - insecurity is no excuse for that type of behaviour - then it is insecurity based abuse.

Umberellatheweatha · 11/07/2021 10:12

Also op you said yourself, he never apologised for his outburst. He repeated the behaviour. Its ro the point now where you are changing yours to accommodate his craziness.

Has he even offered to see his gp? To take himself to therapy? Of course not. Even if he did, he would only come back and tell you they found nothing wrong with him and it must be your fault. Because he WANTS to control you.

CallMeNutribullet · 11/07/2021 10:17

OP this is serious abuse. That's the first thing you need to accept. He chooses to do this to you to Kerry you constantly walking on eggshells.

Ourlady · 11/07/2021 10:19

The phrase 'Control your eyes' gave me the chills. He is not a nice man.

OrchestraOfWankery · 11/07/2021 10:28

@Ourlady

The phrase 'Control your eyes' gave me the chills. He is not a nice man.
Same here. Chilling. He sounds unhinged.
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