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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Being accused of looking at other men

109 replies

Naz2009 · 11/07/2021 00:45

If I was looking at other men. I would hold my hands up and say "yes I did"
I've had enough of this shit, it's come to a point I don't go out with my husband anymore. When I do go out with him. I'm constantly worried about where I'm looking or standing or going. So he wouldn't start to accuse me. It's horrible to live like this.
It first started 2 years ago. During the time his mum had terminal cancer. He was watching her die and it was tough. He began to change towards me. Started to isolate etc and then one day randomly he just went crazy. Said "you look at other men, you're having a affair, you think I don't know. I see it all, you talk to other men when I'm not around" etc etc
I was shocked he thought such filth about me. I told him to go through my phone to prove to him nothing was going on. He knew he was being stupid and he never did go through my phone and emails etc.
Then his mum died and things got back to normal. Chilling and happy.
Then out the blue, he went crazy again. Same old shit, saying I've seen you look at men. Why do they look you. You must do something to attract them. Why did you have to go to the male Tesco worker to ask for help. Why not find a women.
Third time was when we come back from a family party and he said " I saw you looking at other men. You think I'm blind, you do it right Infront of me"
Today we went out to a funfair with our 5 year old, then a meal.
At the funfair I was very scared and cautious, there where other dads there and I was worried not to stand near one. Or not to have to make eye contact etc.
My husband was watching me like a hawk.
It was easier for me to just look at the ground.
But I'm sure if I had. My husband would of accused me of standing and posing. I kid you not.
I was watching my DD on a ride and my husband had gone to sit on a bench. He come back and tapped me and said "what you doing, sharking other men up"
I can't even tell you how scared and upset I felt. This thought in my head just said. "Oh no not this shit again" I said I'm looking at my daughter.
Ladies I promise you, I was only looking at her watching her go round on the ride.
When we went out to eat after.
He said "The waiter was looking at you. Clearly you had done something for him to look at you."
When he went to pay. He said the cashier was looking at you and you looked at him. Why did you and I agree I did look up at him and then turned my back and waited for hubby to pay up. To make sure my hubby knew I wasn't looking around at other customers I even started to talk to my DD.
He said to me in anger. You could of walked back to the car. You didn't need to wait for me to pay. You stayed there cuz you like to be looked at and you like to look. You're a pervert. It naturally comes to you.
Ladies I'm crying as I'm typing this. Coz I'm telling you the truth. I wear modest clothing, I don't I swear I DO NOT SHARK UP OTHER MEN
His fiancé before me, suddenly dumped him, whilst he was away on a business trip. Saying she had met another man and wanted to be with him.
DH was left heart broken.
I feel it's what she done to him that's made him insecure.
When he is with me, he is constantly watching me where I am looking.
When we are on holiday, he will start to tell me off rather than tell the next man don't stare at wife.
I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
namechangedForthus · 11/07/2021 14:46

@youvegottenminuteslynn

He could be doing this for all sorts of reasons, not to say any are good reasons but I can see how often this could lead to violence which in my case wasn’t a factor but if OP maybe in danger then you’re right she should leave

I don't think you're understanding my point though - regardless of whether she's in physical danger, she should leave this relationship because it is abusing. We shouldn't be implying that people should only leave a relationship if they are at risk of physical abuse. He's putting OP through essentially psychological torture - she is second guessing where she looks when she's just walking around, she's being told by him she is the one who needs help to change, that she is mad.

She is already in danger - she is already being abused - the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is zero.

I see what you’re saying.

I find it hard as all my relationships are warped so I don’t know how a proper one should be. Working on that through therapy but it’s interesting reading this thread as it opens up my mind more to see what is right and wrong

username18702 · 11/07/2021 14:49

@namechangedForthus Have you thought about doing the Freedom Programme? It helps you to understand what a healthy relationship is and abusive behaviour to watch out for.

daytriptovulcan · 11/07/2021 14:50

Is there mental illness involved? He sounds deranged and very paranoid.
Its quite apparent he enjoys emotional abusing and torturing you.
You've a life of misery and being intimidated, unless you LTB.
Start the process to leave.

namechangedForthus · 11/07/2021 14:52

[quote username18702]@namechangedForthus Have you thought about doing the Freedom Programme? It helps you to understand what a healthy relationship is and abusive behaviour to watch out for.[/quote]
I will look that up thankyou

username18702 · 11/07/2021 15:20

@namechangedForthus

They are doing online zoom groups. You don't have to say anything, just join and listen. www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

Some books I recommend:

Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft
The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans
Co dependency for Dummies by Darlene lancer (has good info on boundaries)

accentdusoleil · 11/07/2021 15:55

@TheDevils

I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine how hard that must have been and still is

I hope the OP can understand the potential severity of her situation

Op: please will you let us know when you have been in touch with some of the associations you've been recommended

TheDevils · 11/07/2021 16:44

I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine how hard that must have been and still is

I hope the OP can understand the potential severity of her situation

Thank you. I try and share her story because its Important for people to understand how things can escalate.
He was emotionally abusive and controlling but had never, ever been violent. Until he was ....and unfortunately with the worst possible consequences.

thelastgoldeneagle · 11/07/2021 19:10

He doesn't have a mental health issue. If he did, it would manifest in other ways, not just this!!

He's a controlling, jealous, possessive twat. That's all.

You can't change him. He has to want to change.

I'd have dumped him by now. You've told him how stressful this is and he doesn't care. He keeps doing it.

M1rror7ImageL · 11/07/2021 19:33

I would not put up with this xxxx !

50% of the population are male/female

If it is not looking at men, it will be something else, that he is not happy about

Life is far too short to be unhappy

Leave asap

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