Being accused of looking at other men

[Naz2009]

If I was looking at other men. I would hold my hands up and say "yes I did"
I've had enough of this shit, it's come to a point I don't go out with my husband anymore. When I do go out with him. I'm constantly worried about where I'm looking or standing or going. So he wouldn't start to accuse me. It's horrible to live like this.
It first started 2 years ago. During the time his mum had terminal cancer. He was watching her die and it was tough. He began to change towards me. Started to isolate etc and then one day randomly he just went crazy. Said "you look at other men, you're having a affair, you think I don't know. I see it all, you talk to other men when I'm not around" etc etc
I was shocked he thought such filth about me. I told him to go through my phone to prove to him nothing was going on. He knew he was being stupid and he never did go through my phone and emails etc.
Then his mum died and things got back to normal. Chilling and happy.
Then out the blue, he went crazy again. Same old shit, saying I've seen you look at men. Why do they look you. You must do something to attract them. Why did you have to go to the male Tesco worker to ask for help. Why not find a women.
Third time was when we come back from a family party and he said " I saw you looking at other men. You think I'm blind, you do it right Infront of me"
Today we went out to a funfair with our 5 year old, then a meal.
At the funfair I was very scared and cautious, there where other dads there and I was worried not to stand near one. Or not to have to make eye contact etc.
My husband was watching me like a hawk.
It was easier for me to just look at the ground.
But I'm sure if I had. My husband would of accused me of standing and posing. I kid you not.
I was watching my DD on a ride and my husband had gone to sit on a bench. He come back and tapped me and said "what you doing, sharking other men up"
I can't even tell you how scared and upset I felt. This thought in my head just said. "Oh no not this shit again" I said I'm looking at my daughter.
Ladies I promise you, I was only looking at her watching her go round on the ride.
When we went out to eat after.
He said "The waiter was looking at you. Clearly you had done something for him to look at you."
When he went to pay. He said the cashier was looking at you and you looked at him. Why did you and I agree I did look up at him and then turned my back and waited for hubby to pay up. To make sure my hubby knew I wasn't looking around at other customers I even started to talk to my DD.
He said to me in anger. You could of walked back to the car. You didn't need to wait for me to pay. You stayed there cuz you like to be looked at and you like to look. You're a pervert. It naturally comes to you.
Ladies I'm crying as I'm typing this. Coz I'm telling you the truth. I wear modest clothing, I don't I swear I DO NOT SHARK UP OTHER MEN
His fiancé before me, suddenly dumped him, whilst he was away on a business trip. Saying she had met another man and wanted to be with him.
DH was left heart broken.
I feel it's what she done to him that's made him insecure.
When he is with me, he is constantly watching me where I am looking.
When we are on holiday, he will start to tell me off rather than tell the next man don't stare at wife.
I don't know what to do.

His mum died in 2019 but yet you say 2 years ago you were in a bikini and a year before that he told you to "control your eyes". He's always done this, it was probably just more subtle before.

You are allowing your daughter to grow up believing that she must stare at the floor in case she accidentally looks at a man, or be punished. Think about that when you say he's a good dad. He is not, he's abusive and vile and you need to leave before he ramps up his abuse even more.

Ladies thank you for your advice. After reading stories of how some of you have gone through similar and worse has scared me.
It's very unfair and I hate this fear when I'm outside with me.
Few days ago he was talking about going to Wales for 5 days during the school holidays and I just thought what would he do if I looked at someone or someone looked at me.
Rather than get excited to finally getaway even if it is a staycation. I was anxious about her paranoia.
How shall I go about this

Brr. Creepy.

This is bad enough in itself, but I think he will turn weird in other ways/this will get worse OP.

@Naz2009

Ladies thank you for your advice. After reading stories of how some of you have gone through similar and worse has scared me. It's very unfair and I hate this fear when I'm outside with me. Few days ago he was talking about going to Wales for 5 days during the school holidays and I just thought what would he do if I looked at someone or someone looked at me. Rather than get excited to finally getaway even if it is a staycation. I was anxious about her paranoia. How shall I go about this

You need to leave

Can you contact women's aid for help and advice about how to go about it ? I think that would be a good start.

Time to run

Or give him an ultimatum (get help or you leave)

Have you ever talked to him about it ?

Run run run. Please. This is the biggest red flag. X

My EX was like this, will spare you the ins & outs but exactly the same behaviour. Long story short, turns out that it was HIM that was snagging anything with a pulse.

If you are insistent on staying a bit longer then book him a gp appointment. Tell him you will be coming in with him to speak to his gp about his sudden paranoia ect

If he refuses to go then you have your answer. If he refuses their help then you have your answer. If he takes what is offered but doesn't change then again, time to go.

I'd also see about speaking to your own gp about what is going on. They may tell you the same thing we have,that his behaviour is just him being controlling. Especially considering there were hints of the same behaviour a few years back.

*shagging not snagging lol

@accentdusoleil yes I have talked to him. I hate this constant saying I promise I didn't look at the man. Or saying I had no idea the man was looking at me and I didn't do anything for the man to look at me.
If I smile and say thanks to the barman he will come home and tell me off and say. He was a perv. Why was you smiling and being nice to him for.
One time I began to cry when he started "I saw you shark up that man at the restaurant. You both where looking at each other"
Truth is I remember I looked at the guy and then looked away and went to our table. How can I stop myself from making eye contact or looking at someone if they are in my eyesight. Please tell me. Am I really looking. Do I have a problem to stare. I could have and I'm not aware. You can't really answer that unless you see me for yourself.
Last time he accused me it was in April and I began to cry in the car. He got angry and said. That's it all you do is cry. When you cry it proves to me you're in the wrong. I said I'm crying as I'm upset with your fake accusations and I'm exhausted. I live in fear and it's growing each time you accuse me. He got annoyed and made it out to be that I was being dramatic.
He said I'm coming to terms now that you're who you are you shark up other men and it's making me fall out of love with you.
That time I gave him the cold shoulder for 3 days and he didn't say sorry at all.
I'm fed up of getting upset and saying to myself " I promise I didn't perv on no one"
I told him one more time you accuse me. I promise you. You're out of the house.
I will kick him out.
I've been caught his brothers look at me. We went out as a family day out and I caught his brother starring at me. I wasn't sure if my hubby had told him to watch me. But I told him this.
This other time his older brother tried to take a picture of me and I put my hand Infront and said no. I don't like having my pic took.
I told him of this to and my DH said. My brothers like that. He takes pics and Snapchat's etc all the time.
Tbh I had to think a million times before I told him I caught his brothers looking at me. Coz I thought he would say I was looking at them first or drawing attention to myself.

@Umberellatheweatha that's very good advice. I know him very well, he'll say I'm crazy to take him to see a doctor. But I will force him to do so and drag him in.
He needs to see he has a mental issue. That's if he does.
If this is the beginning of an abusive relationship then I'm kicking him out. I'll even call the cops if need be and be done with him.
Coz I hate this horrible fear when I'm outside with him.

[quote Naz2009]@ENGLANDitscominhome no I'm not, I'm free to wear what I want.
I choose to wear modest clothing. When I say this I mean I won't have my cleavage on show or wear a mini or shorts.
It's my personal fashion preference.
I like to change my hair colour it's one thing I love. He thinks im crazy. But he has never said "oh that man looked at you coz your hair is bright blue or pink"
On holiday in a bikini 2 years ago he got annoyed I was getting looked at and told me walk away go over there and swim
But he just couldn't go up to the man and say why you looking at my wife.
Then he later blamed me for not knowing I was getting looked at and I didn't move away.
Year before that as we sat on the plane to fly to Spain. He warned me "control your eyes"
He needs help. [/quote]
I'm free to wear what I want Yet when you do, like with the bikini for instance, he blames you when he thinks other men are looking at you.

I choose to wear modest clothing Ask yourself why.

OP, enough is absolutely enough now. He is fucking disgusting and he has to go. Its really clear from your update that you are being abused and this man is doing it deliberately.

Look at what he has done to you. He has started to drive you mad. And again you are asking us if you've done anything wrong and how you can stop him being this way by changing your behaviour! That's the shit abused women ask.

You cant change him by changing you.
He wants to abuse you and he will not stop bo matter how much you try to hide away from other mens gazes. He wants to isolate you. He wants to control you. He wants you to go nuts.

Get him out. Not next time. Now. And never ever let him back into your home or life.

He certainly seems to be struggling with the loss of mum and, for whatever reason, it’s playing out as paranoia. The only good news is if this behaviour is new, abrupt (ie began with mum’s death) and he has previously treated you with respect. However, this IS abuse. It will drive you away (so it should) and won’t help him work through grief or fear other women will abandon him (I suspect abandonment is what this is about). I’d be very firm that trying to preserve this relationship is absolutely conditional on him getting therapy for his problems and accepting his behaviour is absolutely unreasonable.

If this is the beginning of an abusive relationship then I'm kicking him out.

It isn't the beginning of an abusive relationship; it is an abusive relationship.

He is abusing you.

@Umberellatheweatha

OP, enough is absolutely enough now. He is fucking disgusting and he has to go. Its really clear from your update that you are being abused and this man is doing it deliberately.

Look at what he has done to you. He has started to drive you mad. And again you are asking us if you've done anything wrong and how you can stop him being this way by changing your behaviour! That's the shit abused women ask.

You cant change him by changing you.
He wants to abuse you and he will not stop bo matter how much you try to hide away from other mens gazes. He wants to isolate you. He wants to control you. He wants you to go nuts.

Get him out. Not next time. Now. And never ever let him back into your home or life.

This ^^ Op

As another poster said, he sounds unhinged.

He has clearly been having significant me tal health problems for a few years ... If it is really true there hasn't been anything at all like this before then.

He sounds like he has morbid/delusional jealousy or "Othello complex" or similar.

Unfortunately to my knowledge men like this don't usually change easily or at all, the relationship is usually destroyed by it (after the woman has taken abuse for years).

He needs to seek help. But I don't hold out much hope for him changing.

In the meantime you should not be e subjected to such unreasonable, abusive behaviour. And your child should not be observing it, they tend to absorb things even if we think they don't.

[quote Naz2009]@Umberellatheweatha that's very good advice. I know him very well, he'll say I'm crazy to take him to see a doctor. But I will force him to do so and drag him in.
He needs to see he has a mental issue. That's if he does.
If this is the beginning of an abusive relationship then I'm kicking him out. I'll even call the cops if need be and be done with him.
Coz I hate this horrible fear when I'm outside with him. [/quote]
Honestly op he has a personality disorder issue, not a mental one. Well, it could be both. But the point I was making about the gp is that you should not have to drag him anywhere. The point is that he should WANT to go. He should WANT not to repeat abusive behaviour. He should want not to hurt you and do whatever it takes to stop. No matter how ill soneone is,they should never be ok with abusing their partner and not seek to stop.

You are already IN an abusive relationship. Not the beginning of one.

Also op, do you actually even like this man? Because he seems a right prick. I mean...you could choose being single instead even if there was not abuse. Because he is making you feel like shit. And that's not what relationships are meant to do. He makes you miserable...so why bother staying?

Also re. his ex ... Noone should be doing time for someone else's "crime".

If someone can't act reasonably and decently to their latest partner because of a previous relationship (and that's usually not really the reason they're behaving that way anyway) .... Then they really really should not be getting into relationships, they'd need to take a time out from relationships and have counselling and be in a place to treat their next partner reasonably, fairly and decently or else that have become an abuser.

How would you be set financially if you were to separate from him while he's getting help (though I'm skeptical about that) or permanently?

Ab important step for you to protect yourself and your child would he to work out the financials and practicalities if you were to split.

The citizens advice bureau is v good for help with this re benefits etc.

You also need to consider that if you separate temporarily or permanent that he could be one dangerous. He could be one fixated on some belief that you've left for another man, you've had someone on the side all along etc.

He could become dangerous because of that. I wouldn't assume that because he seems the quiet type that he couldn't. Some quiet types have become extremely dangerous and murderous in certain circumstances.

You need to consider that too and how to protect yourself and your child if you were to separate.

*become

@Umberellatheweatha

If you are insistent on staying a bit longer then book him a gp appointment. Tell him you will be coming in with him to speak to his gp about his sudden paranoia ect

If he refuses to go then you have your answer. If he refuses their help then you have your answer. If he takes what is offered but doesn't change then again, time to go.

I'd also see about speaking to your own gp about what is going on. They may tell you the same thing we have,that his behaviour is just him being controlling. Especially considering there were hints of the same behaviour a few years back.

Yes do this. If he wants to stop he will seek help

I do this to my DH. I have INSANE jealousy. It’s awful.
However we know the reason, we know the triggers and I’m going through help with it

Incidentally, some of the behaviour you've described reminds me of the singer/dancer fka twigs describing her relationship with the actor Shia Lebeouf. It might be worth reading what she said.

Think if it this way op

Him: I saw that man look at you. He wants to shag you. You must have lead him on.
You: That's a mad assumption. And an abusive thing to say.
Him: Ok maybe it is me.
You: Can you see your gp then because it's not ok.
Him: You're crazy.

...eh?

That's basically the crux of it right?

So because you've told him abusing you is not ok and he needs to stop...he has told you you are crazy. So what does that mean? It means he wants you to think you are going mad rather than realise he is abusing you.

He doesnt actually think you are crazy, he just has a problem with you telling him that his shit behaviour is shit. And he wants you to think you are going nuts instead. It's called 'gaslighting'.