How to react to this? Am I being a drama Queen?

[Jueeer]

6 months in and pretty much every time we have arranged to meet, it’s been me trying to discuss it. Once discussed, he will usually follow up to confirm the day before or say he’s looking forward to it etc. I’ve told him repeatedly that I would like the next time we meet to be arranged before we say goodbye, so we both know when the next date it. He did engage for a bit and now it’s dropped off again.

So here we are, Friday night. Saw him Tuesday morning, said I wanted to see him this weekend... he said yes, that was end of discussion. We’ve had some texts since and he contacted me today, but no mention of the weekend or meeting up. This is a man who has told me he loves me?!

I know I could ask and sort out the arrangement but ffs, why is it always me having to instigate? Am I being a drama Queen? What would you do?

Don’t beat yourself up. But you need to sit and realise that you have accepted this shit behaviour for longer than you should have.

So the next time you’re with someone LISTEN to what they are saying with actions not words. I am a lot older than you and have only just worked that out!

In reality this man shouldn’t have got past the first month of dating with you. Have a proper think about why you didn’t have any boundaries around him treating you in a way you didn’t want to be treated.

@Endofether

op you’re a barrrister???

Surely you can’t be as naive as this and complete a law degree and bar? Surely ??!!! Sorry I know that’s harsh but am surprised you aren’t more pragmatic !

How is this helpful?

OP don't dwell on what you've done 'wrong'. Think about how you're going to move forward if he comes back with the 'sorry I'll change'.

@Jueeer

I feel so sad and so alone. Everyone around me is with their families today. I thought he was someone special, I really did. I wouldn’t have bloody batch cooked for anyone. I did that in between my prep for hearings. It was an effort. I wanted to help him as he was worried about his interview and I thought some nice food would be good. I feel like such an idiot. I’m embarrassed. Even now, after I’ve contacted him and said I wanted to speak, he’s just ignored me.

Don't beat yourself up. You met a guy, he seemed nice, you've dated for a bit and he's not what you hoped, so you left. There's nothing embarrassing here. There's nothing 'idiot'.

And if you feel sad and alone, then take that as a cue to build up your social circle and work on finding ways of making your alone time more fulfilling.

'Single' doesn't mean 'sad and alone'. If it's good enough for Jennifer Aniston and Kristen Scott Thomas, it's good enough for you, innit?

I can’t believe he’s read my messages and just not even respond. I am such a fool. I feel a bit sick.

Well it’s not been long. So I wouldn’t get hung up on that.
What do you want out of this? For him to respond straight away and make everything better? Prove to you he really wants to be with you?

Yeah I guess so. I know it won’t though. He said he was shit at relationships about four months ago. I should have believed him

you really do need to listen to him now

@Jueeer

I can’t believe he’s read my messages and just not even respond. I am such a fool. I feel a bit sick.

Drop the 'I can't believe' bit. You would be a fool to continue a relationship with somebody who doesn't respond to your messages, but you're not going to do that.

It takes a while, when there's lots you like about somebody, to filter out a) what's bugging you, b) why it's bugging you and c) to decide to leave.

If you'd walked out the first time he did it, that would have been drama queen. You've taken your time to assess the situation, and now it's got to the point where the bad stuff has overwhelmed the bad stuff. You're not an idiot, you're a human! Emotions are messy.

Ditch him, take control! You can do this AND you’ll get over him too. You’re in the fog at the moment but you’ll soon see things clearly.

Another good place for advice is Evan Marc Katz's website. It's pretty no nonsense and sets some good boundaries. Good snippets are to trust what men do, not what they say. Also to focus on the men that make you feel good.
This man is keeping you hanging on with scraps of affection, you deserve a three course meal! He should be excited to see you! Spending time with you should help with stress!

@Jueeer, @TheFoundations is spot on, this isn’t about you being foolish or doing the wrong things. You were invested in a relationship with him and seeing where it went. I doubt very much that the last 6 months have been unpleasant for either of you but the niggles of incompatibility have come to a head this weekend. Hopefully he will respond to the text and you can talk this through, even if the outcome is that things are over, having some closure will help.

If he wanted to see you, he would make it happen.

He's not 'shit at relationships'. He's a selfish, lazy arse.

Exactly! He should be making your life better, not worse!

Sorry hadn't read the full thread. It's not your fault op. You're a normal person, he's a commitmentphobe. it shouldn't be this hard work after 6 months this is still the honeymoon period.

OP the thing to focus on is that this should be the honeymoon period. If you're having niggles and doubts now, how will you feel when it settles into 'normality'?

What plan has he made for tomorrow - dinner out, cocktail bar, cinema, something else you both like doing? Has he even asked? Unless he comes back with a proper plan then walk away, and don't look back!!

Either he doesn't want to see you that much, but is happy to be pursued by you and get a shag. So, not good.

Or, he's really keen but has "issues" about showing it and neing true to himself. Also not good.

I can't come up with a third explanation that makes this situation ok. I think its probably time you stopped trying to find that mythical third path too. Especially as it seems involve you telling yourself its wrong ("drama queen") to expect your boyfriend to be keen to see you. It's not wrong at all, it's perfectly normal.

You have an arrangement to see him tomorrow. So what's the problem?

If you had told your boyfriend that you would see him Sunday but you needed time on Saturday to prepare for an interview I am sure you would be pissed off to be hassled by texts about "needing to talk".

Talk to him in person for a start!

And maybe not even on Sunday. When is this bloody interview? If you can wait until after that then he will have no excuses or genuine stress and you can talk together about your different expectations and see if you can meet halfway .

I think I will have to tell him how shit this has made me feel.

No.
Tell him how it makes him look.
It makes him look at if he doesn't care about you.
If he does care he ought to just explain his thinking about when you can next meet, not leave it vague.

@MisterMeaner

If I could go back in time and give my younger self some advice, it would be “don’t be so easy to catch”. I had a similar situation: much more into the bloke than he was into me (but thankfully he was a good person and he ended the relationship because he could see I was getting in much deeper than he was). It broke my heart temporarily, but the lingering feeling about the whole thing - even over 20 years later - is embarrassment at how much I put myself out for this man, who only ever had casual intentions towards me.

Find other ways to enjoy yourself that don’t involve him. See friends; go to the cinema on your own; join a knitting circle. I think the advice about mirroring his behaviour is good. Don’t do more for him than he is doing for you. Either he will start to move things forward, and everything will develop as you hoped, or you will start to see there’s more to life than chasing after a halfhearted man, and you will gain self-respect in the process.

So much this. I have a few regrets about my younger years, but by far the greatest is that I wasted time and effort on people who did not deserve it - men and female friends.

Lockdown is ending soon. Get out there and meet someone better.

We usually can't change people and unless they are criminals, alcoholics, bad parents etc. we probably shouldn't. This man is what he is. You could ask him directly - ''Are you going to change (''to suit me'' - implied)or not?'' You have to decide to accept him as he is or move on.

The more you post, the more he sounds like someone you should NOT be wasting anymore time over!
He has issues and he's projecting them onto you.
You are a professional and deserve more than this loser. Get out now while you can.

I just want to give you a big hug op xxx

Let me address things one by one.

Firstly, you say you feel sad. I'm sorry xxx be aware that this is the effect of the treatment from him, and maybe your realisation that its not what you thought. I'm sorry xxxx

But use your insight. He is like a pair of shoes that just dont fit. You like them and wish they did, but they dont. How he is doesn't fit you. There is no need to second guess it.

So your sadness is justified.

You want a happy, loving relationship where you can flourish. This doesn't seem to be it.

How do you think you will proceed?

The advice from women looking back and wishing theyd not settled is so good. Dont you try to force your foot in that shoe and ignore the blisters. You're clever and brave, brave enough to withstand this. Your standards are high enough to keep your head up while you bear the truth.

Me I'd go the weekend ignoring his calls, then I'd ring him Monday morning and break it off. I'd spend the weekend holed up in my lovely house, cleaning, doing beauty treatments and clearing my head. This quality of love is not good enough, and we know this because you are crying. Get rid and get back to the woman you are, and out it out there that you want a good quality love or nothing.

X