Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to react to this? Am I being a drama Queen?

329 replies

Jueeer · 09/07/2021 21:15

6 months in and pretty much every time we have arranged to meet, it’s been me trying to discuss it. Once discussed, he will usually follow up to confirm the day before or say he’s looking forward to it etc. I’ve told him repeatedly that I would like the next time we meet to be arranged before we say goodbye, so we both know when the next date it. He did engage for a bit and now it’s dropped off again.

So here we are, Friday night. Saw him Tuesday morning, said I wanted to see him this weekend... he said yes, that was end of discussion. We’ve had some texts since and he contacted me today, but no mention of the weekend or meeting up. This is a man who has told me he loves me?!

I know I could ask and sort out the arrangement but ffs, why is it always me having to instigate? Am I being a drama Queen? What would you do?

OP posts:
Rosiiiiie · 10/07/2021 10:17

Have a TLC day. Get some snacks or wine, hop in a bath, put a face mask on and watch ‘hes not that into you’- it’s on Netflix.

Taliskerskye · 10/07/2021 10:18

Op I had one of these I arranged everything, when we were together it was fine. But I did it all.
One weekend I decided to leave it and see what happened, 6 months in like you. He didn’t organise anything. I finished it. What’s the point in being there for the sake of it. You’re a grown adult with a life.

How have you got to the stage that you are keeping all your spare weekends for him not knowing if you’ll actually see him.

This is not worth it.

AbsolutelyPatsy · 10/07/2021 10:19

so you have arranged to meet tomorrow?

fair enough
but please busy yourself if he wont commit, he is not used to commitment by the sound of things.

billy1966 · 10/07/2021 10:19

Living with someone who can't cope with even the slightest amount of stress is so exhausting.

They think their "stress" trumps EVERYTHING and has to be accommodated and facilitated.

They become a bit like another child to a woman, and women end up turning themselves inside out to protect them from ANY additional stress at home.

Imagine children with that?
Nightmare.

I know this up close from a friend of mine, lovely husband, IMPORTANT job🙄, but so has she.

Yet she has to protect him from the dirty business of family life as it can be just "too much for him, on top of his POSITION"🙄

She loves him, but like you would a pet!
And he loves her, apparently.

However, he should never have married and had children as his big job in academia has meant he needs calm and time to reflect🙄

Exhausting.

She is very clear to her two daughter that she wants more for them, but both her daughters see the dynamic clearly.

Mom works and does EVERYTHING.

Dad works.

Taliskerskye · 10/07/2021 10:20

You really need to step back and see how he behaves without your intervention.

Original poster
Jueeer · 10/07/2021 10:26

I text and said I wanted to have a chat before tomorrow. I don’t think I can pretend I feel ok. Maybe that’s a bad move.

OP posts:
AbsolutelyPatsy · 10/07/2021 10:31

hopefully it will be good to clear the air op

Skral · 10/07/2021 10:34
  1. Never batch cook for anyone ever again.
  2. Make plans for the next few weekends.
  3. If he wants to see you then he can fit around your plans and your work stress.
  4. Remember that a lot of men and women want to date barristers. Go find one of them.
Original poster
Jueeer · 10/07/2021 10:36

Well he’s read my message and no reply. I actually feel like I don’t like him much anymore. I feel angry and upset. I honestly don’t know why I’ve ended up in a situation like this. I knew when I met him that I was shocked he had never had a relationship but he seemed to style it out that he’d never met anyone that was right. I can’t imagine that’s the case, in over twenty years of dating.

OP posts:
TheFoundations · 10/07/2021 10:36

@Jueeer

I don’t think I can pretend I feel ok

That's it! That's boundaries, right there! If you don't feel ok about something, you don't pretend to be ok, you communicate it. Then, if the person dismisses what you've told them (in their words or in their behaviour) you distance yourself from them.

'Drama Queen' is about your behaviour, not your feelings. So, if you were upset with him about this and you decided to break his telly and cut all his ties in half, you'd be a drama queen. If you decide to calmly tell him that this is how you feel, and you need to be with a partner who respects that, you wouldn't be a drama queen.

Same feeling for you, different response to it. There's nothing dramatic about saying 'When you do that, I feel unpleasant/uncomfortable/unhappy', and any respectful partner will respond by taking care of your feelings. You probably think 'The smaller the offence, the more drama queen I am', but it's actually 'The smaller the offence, the easier for him to correct it, out of respect for my feelings', and 'His continuation to do that, despite the fact he knows I don't like it, is a demonstration of the fact that he prioritises that tiny little thing above my happiness.'

Mintypylonsfryingsurplus · 10/07/2021 10:36

Yep bad move you are still chasing this driving it fwd. It may well clear the air but action here is more important. The fact he is not picking up cues that all is not ok is a worry in itself.
You still way over investing in this. I know its hard being in an unrequited love situation so sorry if I sound harsh.

TatianaBis · 10/07/2021 10:37

Posters are right - he’s not that into you - he probably isn’t that into anyone. That’s why he’s single at 44.

Even if this is as into anyone as he gets - do you really want to be in a relationship with someone who is so limp and unresponsive?

Imagine if you had kids - you would have to be the driver for everything.

I know it’s hard to walk away given your age, but it’s because of your age that you need to bin no-hopers asap.

Original poster
Jueeer · 10/07/2021 10:38

I wish I hadn’t text him now. I want to delete and block him but feel like that’s extreme. I wanted to give him the chance to at least have a conversation. I feel like he’s totally taken the piss out of me. He seemed like such a nice decent man.

OP posts:
burnoutbabe · 10/07/2021 10:38

I think most people would be put off by a "we need to talk" style text. Every time I have had one of those it means I am being dumped. So really zero incentive to agree to "have that talk" when I know the outcome.

girlmom21 · 10/07/2021 10:38

I'd talk to him. I don't think you've made the wrong decision telling him you want to talk before you see him.

You need to set out your expectations clearly and make sure you're not wasting your time.

TheFoundations · 10/07/2021 10:40

And why is it always 'Am I a drama queen for wanting things my way', but he's never a drama queen for insisting that things are right to be done his way?

That's not just to you, OP, it's a pattern on a lot of other threads too.

Mintypylonsfryingsurplus · 10/07/2021 10:40

Just read update OP. So sorry... no more texts now focus on yourself today do something pampering. You know in your heart its dead in water so be kind to yourself. Dont get closure on this from him. He just not worth any more of your time. Six months not long, dont get over invested next time. Somewhere there is someone who would walk over coals to get to you, so dont waste any more time on this one. Trust me.

Original poster
Jueeer · 10/07/2021 10:43

I feel so sad and so alone. Everyone around me is with their families today. I thought he was someone special, I really did. I wouldn’t have bloody batch cooked for anyone. I did that in between my prep for hearings. It was an effort. I wanted to help him as he was worried about his interview and I thought some nice food would be good. I feel like such an idiot. I’m embarrassed. Even now, after I’ve contacted him and said I wanted to speak, he’s just ignored me.

OP posts:
Endofether · 10/07/2021 10:44

op you’re a barrrister???

Surely you can’t be as naive as this and complete a law degree and bar? Surely ??!!! Sorry I know that’s harsh but am surprised you aren’t more pragmatic !

TheFoundations · 10/07/2021 10:44

@Jueeer

I wish I hadn’t text him now. I want to delete and block him but feel like that’s extreme. I wanted to give him the chance to at least have a conversation. I feel like he’s totally taken the piss out of me. He seemed like such a nice decent man.
It doesn't have to be the case that he's not a decent man or that he's taken the piss. He just doesn't do things in the same way as you. This is incompatibility, not 'He's a bastard who screwed me over and I'm in the right.'

There's no laws about how long you have to get back to somebody when planning the weekend. He'll meet somebody who likes to leave things to the last minute, and you'll meet somebody who communicates further in advance.

It's totally understandable that you're upset with him, because you've told him what you'd prefer, and he hasn't done it, but that doesn't make him 'not decent'. It just means that he doesn't do things like you do things, and prioritises differently.

Original poster
Jueeer · 10/07/2021 10:45

@Endofether well that’s made me feel about 100 times worse. I’m not like this in my job.

OP posts:
Endofether · 10/07/2021 10:46

Read this book;

www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Men-Love-Bitches-Relationship/dp/1580627560?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

Seriously read it and learn from this ! Take care - he’s just not worth being upset over .
Look at it as a lucky escape !!!

igelkott2021 · 10/07/2021 10:46

Sorry OP but as others have said, you like him more than he likes you. He isn't interested in a relationship, probably just likes the casual dayes (and someone to cook for him!)

Please stop sending him messages, turn your phone off and do something else with your weekend.

You might find if you stop contacting him, he'll suddenly realise what he's missing. Or not. Either way you'll know where you are.

igelkott2021 · 10/07/2021 10:46

dates

Endofether · 10/07/2021 10:48

OP - sorry didn’t mean to be harsh. I meant to be , use your brain to see this man for what he is ! He’s obv got ‘stuff’