How to react to this? Am I being a drama Queen?

[Jueeer]

6 months in and pretty much every time we have arranged to meet, it’s been me trying to discuss it. Once discussed, he will usually follow up to confirm the day before or say he’s looking forward to it etc. I’ve told him repeatedly that I would like the next time we meet to be arranged before we say goodbye, so we both know when the next date it. He did engage for a bit and now it’s dropped off again.

So here we are, Friday night. Saw him Tuesday morning, said I wanted to see him this weekend... he said yes, that was end of discussion. We’ve had some texts since and he contacted me today, but no mention of the weekend or meeting up. This is a man who has told me he loves me?!

I know I could ask and sort out the arrangement but ffs, why is it always me having to instigate? Am I being a drama Queen? What would you do?

Is he definitely only seeing you? Sounds like he’s waiting to see if either he will be free or if a better offer comes up before he commits to arrangements with you.

Sorry. You deserve better than this.

Just leave him to it and see if he arranges something (next weekend, as you already seem to have dealt with this). He needs to experience a weekend when nothing happens, to realise that he needed to do something.

Stop hinting and prodding, as that just comes across as you making half an arrangement and not finalising it. (Also as you being needy and clingy).

He doesn't sound all that into you. Perhaps it's just dating to him, not a serious relationship.

OP another one adding to the chorus of voices saying chuck this one back in the sea. We all want to feel wanted, and valued, and special, and there is NOTHING drama queenish about that (did you put that thought in your head, or was it him or someone else?) The reason you’re so rightly upset is because this isn’t making you happy and it never is going to make you happy. He’s just not making an effort, he’s nowhere near as keen as you are, and that bloody stings. I’m sorry. But this is absolutely a glimpse into what your future life would be like with this man; is that what you wish for yourself, truly? Feeling tearful, lonely, insecure? Or loved, and cherished, and cared for?

Honestly, do yourself the biggest favour you could and dump him. And don’t listen to his pathetic excuses for one more minute (and I’m sure they wouldn’t stand up I court!)

@Jueeer

Oh god I just feel so shit. I don’t get it at all. I thought things were fine. I feel so sad. I actually don’t think I can face another heartbreak. I don’t think I can do it.

looks like you don't have a choice....heartbreak if you stay, maybe less if you leave now

Yeah, he's fobbed you off.

You're getting lots of good advice here but you're determined to hang tooth and nail, at any cost.

For the future, I do think you need to listen better to people when (to use a deeply MNetty phrase), they 'tell you who they are'.

You must be awesome at active listening, observation and inference in your job.

I suspect you are guilty of pinning your fantasies onto other people and that that is what you've done here. You've cast him in a role he doesn't fit and cannot perform.

I've met more men who do this, who view women as 'types', cast them as their most sentimental, fantastical version of the sort of person they imagine she might be, then can only be disappointed, as the reality doesn't match up to the fantasy. Very rarely a woman surprises and impresses them - and it's all about her impressing him. Those men are sentimental fools and generally, players. There's a less entitled version of the sentimental fool that latches onto the fantasy and is endlessly befuddled by the confusing chasm between that and real life. This type reads a lot of fantasy fiction.

I think you're performing some sort of female version of this; all the fantasy and expectation, none of the self-confidence or sense of entitlement to perfection. But also, with all the excellent social skills, emotional intelligence, ability to read and understand people. Trust yourself, your reading of other people and your knowledge of yourself.

You need to work the other way around. Get to know the person with an open mind. Discover who they are. Allow yourself to be surprised and to be disappointed. Don't invest too much hope too early. Be prepared to walk away at any time. If someone lasts, even for reasons you hadn't predicted or expected, then maybe they have something right about them.

@Jueeer

Thank you for the posts. We spoke on the phone. I explained how I felt and he did his usual silence, awkwardness. He said he hadn’t arranged the weekend as he didn’t know what was happening with work. He has an interview in a week and needs time to prepare. He gets horrendously stressed about work on a level I haven’t seen before in anyone. He seemed sorry on the phone. I just don’t know what to do really. When I went off the phone I felt better, re assured and like it was just down to his stress. But I’ve woken up feeling irritated and confused still.

He’s been very supportive of me when I’ve been doing work, bought chocolates the other week after I had had a long day. He is thoughtful like that. No way he is seeing anyone else, at least I’m sure as I can be. I’m gutted about all of this as I honestly thought he was the right one.

To say he hadn't arranged anything for the weekend cos of work and stress about the interview is a complete cop out.

If he is really busy and stressed that's fair enough and a reason not to see you but it's not a reason not to communicate and make plans.

He should at least have said "hey, I'd love to see you at the weekend but I'm so busy with works and stressed about the interview. Why don't you make plans and if we manage to catch up that's great. However, I'll miss you, I love you (all the reassuring comments). I can't wait til we can see each other. Are you free on X date? By then I'll have had my interview and I'll arrange a special date to make it up to you and show how much i appreciate your support and understanding this weekend"

@PrincessNutella has it right - you are a creator, a goddess and amazon (we ALL are). Why put up with this limp individual? “I have an interview next week and I am SO stressed” - oh please. I find that a bit tragic. I have a pitch next week that could set the rest of my career (doesn’t get me out of being a parent though), you will have massive cases and work mega hard, but that doesn’t mean you can’t deal with your boyfriend. Uggh he’s being so feeble. Do NOT chase him or scrounge around for crumbs of affection. You deserve better than that.

Also, side note - attachment styles, might be worth reading up about that. He sounds avoidant, you sound anxious. Not generally a good combination, as I understand it.

You deserve better than this op and you know it. He sounds so motiveless. How hard is to to make a date at the end of one? So frustrating. It doesn't make you needy at all, you just want certainty and to be treated with the respect you deserve. He does sound somewhat remote and although pp's have said its not a red flag not having had a long relationship, it does make me question why.

You sound really kind and caring and you make allowances for his work stress, but you are a barrister and that must be incredibly stressful at times.

He just sounds uninspiring and he does not make you feel good about yourself. I do not think he is the one for you, Sadness in the short term, relief in the long.

@Yaya26

Any possibility that he might be on the autistic spectrum? Not been nasty but thinking about difficulty with close relationships, not picking up on cues etc

This jumped out at me too. Especially as there's no one else in the picture. If he wanted time to prepare for his interview why didn't he communicate that to you? Then you'd know where you stood for the weekend and would make other plans.

He sounds like a cousin that just wouldn't think to organise anything but be happy to go along with plans others made.

Or my brother... who complained about being single, yet infuriatingly never took the effort to follow up with anyone. When I asked him what was he looking for, he said 'someone to hit me over the head with a club and drag me into he cave'. He's still single...

In both those cases, I absolutely suspect they're on the spectrum and/or hugely anxious. Such that they'd leave all the practical of organising and emotional work to any possible partner. Some women might be okay with this and have relatively happy relationships in taking the lead and doing so.

Is that you?

Have you posted this before OP?
Very similar thread recently.
Man in his 30s/40s no previous LT relationships who would not commit to dates?
Tbh I think you are backing a loser here.
I disagree about him being U being stressed about his interview.
Thats a one off short term thing, hes told you his boundary and you are ignoring it.

However the rest of it sounds like hes not really interested.
The cooking him meals is really odd, you feel that he owes you because of this?

OP you have a really stressful busy job but you make an effort to communicate with him and set time aside for him. You are not unreasonable to expect the same in return at the very least. He’s lazy and thoughtless. You deserve better. I can’t think of any reasonable excuse for his behaviour

His interview is a week away. He can make plans with you and still have plenty of time to prepare.

He needs to sort his priorities. He knows how you feel. See if he offers a plan for this weekend. If he doesn't, you're not on that list of priorities and at least you know where you stand.

Dump.

Why don't you just discuss plans for next weekend at the end of each weekend? When me and other half were courting we would sketch out rough plans for each weekend but we always knew that he'd be coming to mine (I lived alone, he was renting a room) and we'd be together doing something. We may change whether it was arrive Friday or Saturday if either of us had Friday plans with work.

You are sleeping together but can't say "Shall we check out that new restaurant that opened when your year next weekend"?

You are clearly a successful young woman, he is treating you like an option so stop being one.
Date other people and mirror his actions if he cant be bothered why should you.
Know your value and back away from this relationship until he steps up.
I am older and a bit wiser, in my experience when a man is really into you, he makes it happen, he chases, pursues, wants to claim you so no one else does.
I had a situationship with a guy, very wishy washy, never made plans, suggestions, I drove the whole thing. In fact the more I did the less interested he seemed. Got sick of it so ended it. A few months later he met someone in a different country. He visited her constantly, arranged her special birthday etc. He couldnt even be bothered to drive 15 minutes to see me! He just was not into me even though she clearly inspired him to step up? It was hurtful but I put my energy into meeting someone who clearly was, and I did!
Use your energy and success to look for someone better not playing wifey cooking meals?? for a lukwarm guy. You will be forever driving this. Is that what you want? What you deserve? Its not game playing its the reality of this. Step way back treat him as casually as he treats you. Date others. If he is bothered he will step up and be horrified you have a change of heart if it fizzles out, well then you really know.

Honestly, I think he's just not that into you. He likes you, yes, but he's not crazy about you or he'd be making damn sure he's seeing you as often as possible. Books like The Rules and He's Just Not That Into you are a bit silly in parts, but the core advice to not chase men who aren't bothered is golden. Move on - find the guy whose behaviour leaves you in no doubt that he's really into you.

Well I guess you can see why he’s never been in a proper relationship.

I know I should just step back. It’s harder than it seems though. I feel worse this morning even though we chatted and arranged to meet tomorrow .

Show him that if he wants to see you, then he needs to make an effort to plan in advance. Start making fun plans with your mates and wait for him to reach out to you. He'll eventually realise that you're in demand and he needs to lift his game and get organised!

HE'S

NOT

THAT

INTO

YOU.

And you're a barrister! You're a catch! You're kind and understanding and cook him meals! You're amazing! It's not you,

This guy has told you who he is. He's got good chat but won't commit. He's 44 and has never had any practise in committing or putting in the work or making an effort and it's not been bad luck, it's because he's disinclined to do so.

He's never been that into anyone, probably.

Who knows how many times he's told women he loves them. But it doesn't make him inclined to hold onto them. Easy come, easy go.

Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option

If I could go back in time and give my younger self some advice, it would be “don’t be so easy to catch”.
I had a similar situation: much more into the bloke than he was into me (but thankfully he was a good person and he ended the relationship because he could see I was getting in much deeper than he was). It broke my heart temporarily, but the lingering feeling about the whole thing - even over 20 years later - is embarrassment at how much I put myself out for this man, who only ever had casual intentions towards me.

Find other ways to enjoy yourself that don’t involve him. See friends; go to the cinema on your own; join a knitting circle. I think the advice about mirroring his behaviour is good. Don’t do more for him than he is doing for you. Either he will start to move things forward, and everything will develop as you hoped, or you will start to see there’s more to life than chasing after a halfhearted man, and you will gain self-respect in the process.

I think you need to be unavailable for one of the weekends that he's left things until the last minute, to demonstrate that your life doesn't revolve around him. It will be difficult for you...but it may be the catalyst for you to realise how impacted / invested he is. And it will be a wake up call for him.

As others have said, he’s not that into you! He’s not making the effort you deserve and the relationship is very unbalanced. Move on!