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Original poster

How to react to this? Am I being a drama Queen?

329 replies

Jueeer · 09/07/2021 21:15

6 months in and pretty much every time we have arranged to meet, it’s been me trying to discuss it. Once discussed, he will usually follow up to confirm the day before or say he’s looking forward to it etc. I’ve told him repeatedly that I would like the next time we meet to be arranged before we say goodbye, so we both know when the next date it. He did engage for a bit and now it’s dropped off again.

So here we are, Friday night. Saw him Tuesday morning, said I wanted to see him this weekend... he said yes, that was end of discussion. We’ve had some texts since and he contacted me today, but no mention of the weekend or meeting up. This is a man who has told me he loves me?!

I know I could ask and sort out the arrangement but ffs, why is it always me having to instigate? Am I being a drama Queen? What would you do?

OP posts:
billy1966 · 09/07/2021 23:34

Ah come on OP, what are you thinking?
In his 40's and no relationship longer than a month?

You feel shit because you are making so little of yourself chasing a man that isn't that pushed about you.

Cooking for him?

I loved to cook, that doesn't mean I would be doing it for a boyfriend and 6 months a d behaving like his housekeeper.

I mean it kindly, but wtf?

You are making little of yourself and chasing a man who hasn't a notion of coming through for you.

Stop chasing him.
End of.
Move on and maybe explore why you are doing this.

You need to value yourself.

How do you expect a man to if you don't.

You deserve better than hanging around on a friday night upset because you are waiting for some twat to tell you whether you have plans.

You deserve better than this.
Flowers

MiniTheMinx · 09/07/2021 23:34

Chisontoast what are you going to do?

Chisontoast · 09/07/2021 23:38

@MiniTheMinx I honestly don’t know. He’s bailed on talking to me tonight (like I said, this thread is perfect timing!) - I’ve just replied ‘ok’ and left it there. I feel like it’s pointless now to have the chat with him about what we want out of this as I every time I’ve tried I get nowhere. I

Chisontoast · 09/07/2021 23:41

And sorry OP for me-railing - I think we’ve both got a lot of good advice on this one! Hope you get some rest and you feel brighter in the morning. Unmumsnetty hugs to you Flowers

Brindisi32 · 09/07/2021 23:45

Tbh i'd find this hard going and i'd feel like you. Try to take a big step back. If a friend of yours was describing this situation what would you think and advise her to do?

Having a developing relationship is about making plans, looking forward to each other's company and feeling secure about this.. Maybe let him make the move without prompting and see if he initiates plans? If you don't get much response, it's time to let it go, it's not worth feeling this low.

memberofthewedding · 09/07/2021 23:54

Some people are just not planners. They prefer to let things "happen".

Im a planner, always have been. Ive found that in most of the relationships Ive ever had - including friendships - Im the one who makes the suggestions - and then the arrangements when others fall in. I hate leaving things in mid air.

I think you have to accept that some people dont like to plan - you cant make them over into what you want them to be.

Kipperandarthur · 10/07/2021 00:05

Oh god look lovely lady. I’ve been where you are many years ago. You are lonely and you so want this to work.
But you really do need to take a step back. You’re an intelligent woman. You can argue a case and analyse things. But you can’t fool yourself and this is why you are feeling so horrible as deep down you know he isn’t giving you enough.

Think of how you would professionally advise someone and try and apply some logic to your situation. Step back and see how he responds to you. See what he does to make contact to see you if you don’t initiate things. See how important you are to him. If you are not, then pick yourself up dust yourself down and someone will come along who is worthy of your love and attention.

I’m a firm believer in things happening for a reason. If it’s to be, it will be. If not you are destined for something better. Now dry those tears and remember that you also control your destiny as well. Do not settle for someone who is not that into you as it’s just a literal waste of your time.

HollowTalk · 10/07/2021 00:08

@Chisontoast I'd break up with him for misusing "disinterested" never mind anything else!

AcrossthePond55 · 10/07/2021 00:12

Some men are just lazy. They can't be bothered put much into a relationship so they let the woman do all the work.

That kind of man isn't going to change, is too much work, and I certainly wouldn't want to be married to one.

I know you're hurting now. But honestly, you do not want to be tied up with a man who makes no effort. It's a life of disappointment with a man who will never make an effort for your birthday, Xmas, or any special occasion. Not to mention the effect on any children of such a lazy father.

QueenBee52 · 10/07/2021 00:55

Jeepers OP...

You are clearly a very clever intelligent high achiever...

Why let this man make you feel so unworthy my lovely.. you know that you deserve better than this..

I hope you can find the strength to see that he is not kind to you and it really shouldn't be this hard this early in the 'relationship'..

good luck 🌸

timeisnotaline · 10/07/2021 01:00

‘Honestly, if you want to meet up say so and actually suggest a time and a place. I’m done doing all the running here, it’s not a relationship if I’m the only one organising to meet. Let me know.’

Yaya26 · 10/07/2021 01:17

Any possibility that he might be on the autistic spectrum? Not been nasty but thinking about difficulty with close relationships, not picking up on cues etc

AllyBama · 10/07/2021 02:08

Oh man I could have written this myself a few years ago. And I wish I had a time machine to go back and tell myself to stop wasting my precious time on these weak men. I dated a facsimile of this man OP. Multiple versions in fact.

He’s not a bad guy, he’s just not the guy for you. You deserve a man who listens to you - you said you’d like to make weekend plans before the actual weekend rolls around and he waits until Friday night and you still have to be the one to text him?

In the kindest way OP… raise your bar! This isn’t your future husband so tag and release! I know it’s devastating to have to start again but better now after 6 months than limping along like this for another year, 5, 10 years with the wrong person who doesn’t even give enough of a shit about you to make weekend plans before the actual weekend?

PrincessNutella · 10/07/2021 02:32

I don't think this guy is evil or anything--he's not a cocklodger or engaged in cheekfuckery, really. It's just that you two are in two different places. I'm sure he enjoys seeing you and enjoys the nice things you do, but he doesn't put a lot of emotion into it because he doesn't have to. An arrangement for this weekend will magically happen by some mysterious process that causes him no stress or reason to make any effort. All he has to do is let time float by and you will make something happen. Believe me, as a lazy person, I have not been above using this strategy myself. Meanwhile, because you are feeling anxious, it is easier for you to relieve your anxiety by making something happen than it is to wait for him to make a move. But the problem is, every single time you do that, you are training him to think that he can float along in his golden bath of self-regard whilst making no effort whatsoever.

PrincessNutella · 10/07/2021 02:37

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

unstabletoddler · 10/07/2021 02:47

God op it's not you. It's him. Why are you upset over someone this dysfunctional? Bin him off. He's not worth your tears.

1forAll74 · 10/07/2021 02:50

He sounds fed up and a bit bored with things, so just leave him to it. You haven't known him that long.

Susannahmoody · 10/07/2021 03:04

Why the fuck are you batch cooking for him when he won't even make the effort to fix a date? Confused

He should be on his knees scribbling in his diary.

You're a bloody barrister? If you can't own it, who can?!

Forget him, move on. Stop weeping over the keyboard and find a proper fella

GiantHaystacks2021 · 10/07/2021 03:24

He sounds rubbish.
And sorry but I don't think he's that interested in you.
It seems like you're just an option to him.
I would dump his ass.

daisychain01 · 10/07/2021 03:42

@Jueeer

Ive just text saying do you want to talk about the weekend.

He’s online and not even read it. I just dont understand him. Wish I could just meet the right one for me.

OP dump him. He's lazy and is showing you everything about who he is as a person. Someone who CBA. You're an intelligent woman, with everything going for you. Don't waste yourself on the likes of him!

Leave him to it, muster up all the self-esteem you possibly can and tell him you're outa here and he's missed his chance.

You've said it yourself, you need to find the right one. He definitely isn't, if he's sat there online when he could be connecting with you. He'll regret it but it will be too late.

PerveenMistry · 10/07/2021 03:49

@PrincessNutella

My suggestion to you is: Step away from the keyboard. Stop short circuiting yourself. Don't be so damned nice. Remember: the purpose of males is to open our jars, look good, scare burglars, and hold onto the odd bit of sperm till we want it. Otherwise, useless. We are the creator sex and they are just decoration. Think of fifty delightful or useful things you can do with your free time this weekend. Now go be the amazon you are.

Lol!!!

Soulstirring · 10/07/2021 04:13

Awesome @PrincessNutella

Good advice here OP. I hope you wake up with strong resolve!!

PurpleRainDancer · 10/07/2021 04:50

@LuluJakey1

OP- he is a 44 year old adult who has never had a relationship that lasted longer than a month. You have told him what you want and he either can't or does not want to do that- for whatever reason. Walk away now and don't look back. He is a knacker.
Put succinctly
Iamaperiwinkle · 10/07/2021 05:29

I went for broken men - I saw the good I saw the potential. Err they aren’t houses. Counselling made me see that. Because I had a poor childhood parents belittling me etc and I was and am a high achiever like you I expected less from friends and boyfriend - I’m starting to see my best friend is a user my ex husband is abusive. I wish I can stop you. You think you click - you don’t. You might click with him but he doesn’t with you. Sometimes jigsaw pieces go together and look like they fit etc but they just don’t. Block him and move on.

I wish I could advise any woman. Want a baby - do it alone. How many threads on here about a crap DH who does nothing with the crap and women are treated with either the guilt of the potential of doing 99% of childcare etc and no maintaince so they put up with red flags,huge hobbies, crap behaviour etc as they don’t want to go it alone. In the majority of divorces women want the children and to keep the peace and men don’t want the children but to play a dad a couple of times a week when it suits them

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