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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to react to this? Am I being a drama Queen?

329 replies

Jueeer · 09/07/2021 21:15

6 months in and pretty much every time we have arranged to meet, it’s been me trying to discuss it. Once discussed, he will usually follow up to confirm the day before or say he’s looking forward to it etc. I’ve told him repeatedly that I would like the next time we meet to be arranged before we say goodbye, so we both know when the next date it. He did engage for a bit and now it’s dropped off again.

So here we are, Friday night. Saw him Tuesday morning, said I wanted to see him this weekend... he said yes, that was end of discussion. We’ve had some texts since and he contacted me today, but no mention of the weekend or meeting up. This is a man who has told me he loves me?!

I know I could ask and sort out the arrangement but ffs, why is it always me having to instigate? Am I being a drama Queen? What would you do?

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 09/07/2021 22:26

Op did you say you didn’t want to chat becayse you thought he was going to bin you?

I think you need to have a talk about where this is going, it reads like you are way more into him that he is into you. I’m sorry.

Summerhillsquare · 09/07/2021 22:27

I've got one like this, and I'm afraid I have played it cool from the start. By Thursday he has usually arranged something, and he's got the message about alternating initiating. Then again, I am older and not looking for cohabitation/kids, so perhaps I AM cooler. I cannot be arsed chasing them, and never did when I was OLD.

Original poster
Jueeer · 09/07/2021 22:27

@Bluntness100 no, just because I feel upset. I just dint understand him. He’s never been particularly loving and the first thing he told me was he’d never had a relationship longer than a month. But he assured me it was because had hadn’t met the right person. I believed him.

OP posts:
MiniTheMinx · 09/07/2021 22:32

You can chat and tell him how you feel, you can tell him how his behaviour makes you feel, you can even give him written instructions on what you need, you'll be doing just this for many years!

Yes relationships are about open and honest communication, however you shouldn't need to tell someone how to treat you, a decent man will make it his business to make you happy. And if he's in love he will make certain you spend your time with him, he will make plans and you won't have any doubt about his intentions.

HollowTalk · 09/07/2021 22:33

Why are there so many bloody useless men around? I'm really struggling with the fact you're cooking him freezer food, OP, when he can't even be arsed fixing up a date with you. Seriously, you are treating him like a partner and he's treating you like a casual girlfriend. This is why you feel bad - you have to learn from this and hold back in order to gain some control.

You should end it because you deserve so much more.

Original poster
Jueeer · 09/07/2021 22:34

Oh god I just feel so shit. I don’t get it at all. I thought things were fine. I feel so sad. I actually don’t think I can face another heartbreak. I don’t think I can do it.

OP posts:
Endofether · 09/07/2021 22:36

@Jueeer

Oh god I just feel so shit. I don’t get it at all. I thought things were fine. I feel so sad. I actually don’t think I can face another heartbreak. I don’t think I can do it.
You’ll prob feel a lot better if you get rid of him !! He’s making you insecure !
frazzledasarock · 09/07/2021 22:39

How often do you see him?

You seem to be really into him compared to him with you. You’re talking about not being able to cope with the heartbreak six months in and batch cooking for him and chasing him for dates and he’s not even bothered to respond to your messages.

And a man in his forties who has never had a relationship for longer than a month.

The dynamics here are all out of kilter.

I wouldn’t want to be with a man I had to chase after and plead to arrange dates.
Six months in you should both be really into eachother. You shouldn’t be sitting at home crying because he’s not bothered to arrange to see you.

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 09/07/2021 22:47

maybe you are, maybe you aren't.
but I'm definitely a Drama Queen.

And I would not tolerate being treated like that.
just don't arrange anything. don't call, don't text.
if he wants to see you he will contact you.
if not then good riddance.

jannathehut · 09/07/2021 22:48

Oh OP, I know the feeling exactly. It's bloody awful.

You sound brilliant, where as he doesn't sound very good at all. You're not equal.

My advice would be to step right back from this relationship. You're worth more than what this man can offer you.

MaMelon · 09/07/2021 22:51

Jueeer - try not to feel sad. I know it’s hard, but your self esteem sounds shot to pieces by this man and that’s not healthy. You can’t meet the right person when you’re hitched to the wrong wagon and going in the wrong direction. You deserve so much better.

Etinox · 09/07/2021 22:59

Woah! Mid forties and never had a relationship longer than a month?! HmmShock
🚩 🚩 🚩

I’m sorry @Jueeer, he’s not a keeper

Also don’t batch cook for anyone bar the elderly or sick.
Flowers

Nannyamc · 09/07/2021 22:59

Call him out
As a barrister you have great access to the English language . Find out once and for all where you are heading.

WhereYouLeftIt · 09/07/2021 23:04

[quote Jueeer]@Bluntness100 no, just because I feel upset. I just dint understand him. He’s never been particularly loving and the first thing he told me was he’d never had a relationship longer than a month. But he assured me it was because had hadn’t met the right person. I believed him.[/quote]
"But he assured me it was because had hadn’t met the right person. I believed him."

To channel Mandy Rice-Davies for a minute -well, he would say that, wouldn't he? He's not going to say 'I've been repeatedly dumped for being hard work and passive as fuck' now, is he?

You are wasting your time with this one. But you do know that already, you're just still processing the disappointment.

Move on. He really isn't worth it. At 6 months you should be in the honeymoon phase still, all best behaviour. If this is his best ... well, move on.

Honeyroar · 09/07/2021 23:05

@Imjustsootired

So he has messaged you and asked you exactly what you wanted him to ask you, yet you're pissed off.

Serious lack of communication, I'd guess he has no clue how bad this makes you feel. Talk. To. Him.

But it has taken her to majorly prompt him for him to message her. It’s not off his own initiative. And it sounds like it has been discussed previously but nothing changes.

OP I can see why you’re upset. You sound like you’re doing lovely things for him and he’s not putting that much thought back in himself. You’ve made it clear it upsets you but he hasn’t changed anything to avoid you being upset. And it sounds like it’s eating you up. I don’t know whether it’s the right thing to keep trying at this point. You deserve someone that cares and tries to make you happy. These are the early days, the honeymoon period- and it’s already not fun:

HollowTalk · 09/07/2021 23:11

You don't have to face heartbreak - it can't be heartbreak if he wasn't fully involved. Put your brave face on, OP!

Aquamarine1029 · 09/07/2021 23:12

He’s never been particularly loving and the first thing he told me was he’d never had a relationship longer than a month. But he assured me it was because had hadn’t met the right person.

He told you exactly who he was right from the beginning and you chose to ignore it. He warned you, quite clearly imo, not to expect much, and he delivered.

Get rid of him, do some work on why you keep choosing unsuitable, emotionally unavailable men, and move on with your life.

snowwhit3 · 09/07/2021 23:14

I'd be the exact same OP so I understand why you're upset.

Hopefully you have a good chat this weekend and get things sorted

LizzieSiddal · 09/07/2021 23:15

He’s never been particularly loving and the first thing he told me was he’d never had a relationship longer than a month.

Wow, that’s such a red flag!

Plus he does not listen to you, you’ve told him you want to know in advance when you are meeting- as do most people! So that’s another red flag!

Step away from him, this will not end well.

Chisontoast · 09/07/2021 23:15

I needed to read the wonderful responses to this tonight. In the same situation but it’s been 8 months - I do all the chasing, he says he’s ‘not disinterested’ 😒 but I’m finding it hard to cut this one out of my life. OP I totally understand how you feel and no, you aren’t overreacting.

TheFoundations · 09/07/2021 23:18

he says he’s ‘not disinterested’

Wow. How the hell did you not tell him to sling his hook as a direct response to that comment?

LuluJakey1 · 09/07/2021 23:19

OP- he is a 44 year old adult who has never had a relationship that lasted longer than a month. You have told him what you want and he either can't or does not want to do that- for whatever reason. Walk away now and don't look back. He is a knacker.

Chisontoast · 09/07/2021 23:24

@TheFoundations that’s a bloody good question - I honestly don’t know why I’ve let this slide . I think I’m way too overinvested in someone who can’t even say he’s that keen, never mind show it. I need to be brave and just quit this while I’m behind, I know. He always says I’m overthinking - as I wrote that it’s just hit me that it’s completely minimising my feelings.

TheFoundations · 09/07/2021 23:28

He's not just minimising them, @Chisontoast, he's accusing you of being at fault for even having them.

Bin!

Rainbowqueeen · 09/07/2021 23:29

I’d end it. He is making you miserable. It’s only been 6 months so this is clearly who he is and he won’t change.
Yes you will feel sad and disappointed that it didn’t work out but you will heal and move on and be ready for a good relationship. The alternative is that you continue as you are (because he won’t change) and you stay miserable. Don’t choose that for yourself.