What’s for dinner sweetheart?

[Dehydratedcaterpillar]

Argh.
Every. Single. Night.

I work until about 4ish and then I go and pick up the dc. I’m usually back by about 4.45 and then DH appears at 5pm, sets in for the evening on the sofa and says ‘what’s for dinner sweetheart?’
God. His job pays nearly ten times more than mine but I’m not convinced mine is any less stressful if I’m honest. However I also do all the running around in the morning, so by the time I start work at 9am I’ve been going for three hours already. DH - out of bed at 8.15am.
It’s the ‘what’s for dinner sweetheart?’ that may tip me over the edge though.

@Dehydratedcaterpillar

Oh he doesn’t do anything. He phoned me and asks about his tea instead 😬😬 Actually we were later back last week and when I got back he’d put something in for himself. But for no one else. He had tried to call me but I hadn’t answered.

Take control. Tell him the nights when you'll be cooking for him (if any, it's your choice, whatever you think is reasonable), and then on the other nights, if he asks, tell him you're not cooking.

It doesn't really matter what he does. This is about you deciding what you do.

@Dehydratedcaterpillar

No, I fear he thinks it does though! I’ve never had a lie in 😂😂 Weekend I do both days. Holidays I do all the days.

Why?

Why have you let this go on?

Why was it ever thus?

You're not stuck at all

@Slippersocks20

I don't get all the hatred for one partner cooking most of the time, over the other.

But maybe you cook and he does the washing up/loading, unloading dishwasher/food bin/rubbish bin/recycling. All that stuff.

Works for my wife and I. She is by far the better cook. So I do the after dinner stuff. Once kid has gone down, she's usually on sofa with feet up while I'm in the kitchen.

And no, apart from feeding the kid, I'm the one usually up 1st, changing the nappy first thing, and taking her down to eat breakfast while I make my sandwiches before heading off to work.

Our marriage, home life or child care may not be a 50/50 equal split ... but sounds like you need to get him to pull his weight a bit more.

Cooking dinner may not be where you want to start though.

Did you not bother to read the OP's posts?

Why not?

Seems like thus has been going on for ages. How has this happened? Just I think understanding this will help understand why he feels so entitled to do fuck all.

@Dehydratedcaterpillar

No, I fear he thinks it does though! I’ve never had a lie in 😂😂 Weekend I do both days. Holidays I do all the days.

he is not very nice to you is he?

He makes a lot and is old fashioned. Unless you are willing to divorce over this hire help. You are not wrong, but there is no point being a martyr to right.

My reply to dh is ‘dog shit on toast’. He soon learnt that there was fuck all for dinner as I hadn’t prepared anything like I usually do.
Man=belly. You wanna eat, you’re going to have to make it.
Why isn’t he taking it picking up dd from nursery? Why are you rushing around sorting her?

OP you seem strangely passive about this.

He's awful. He's treating you like a skivvy, and dong zero parenting. His £170K salary is irrelevant to this.

Get angry, firm & specific. He is treating you like shit & you're allowing him to.

Well unless you do something about it nothing will change

Yes, and it seems the OP does the lions share of everything.

You're all saying get him to fend for himself food wise. Easy. Stop at shop on way home from work. But some veg that can be steamed (they come in packets now) couple of min. Steak. Couple of min. Etc. Adds 20min to your journey time. Cooked within 10. Done. Hell beans on toast. Cereal. Takeaway 1 night a week. Worst case, he buys takeaway every night for himself.

So why start trying to change him on cooking. Run out of clean shirts, boxers and socks and he will soon learn where the washing machine is.
Run out of deodorant and soap he will learn how to make or use a shopping list.
Dont put his clothes away (assuming he needs shirts ironed for his job he will learn to iron.

I'm just saying changing the way the dynamic is between them is not best done from the cooking stand point. But thats just my opinion. As proven on this thread, many of you did set the boundaries via the dinner front.

Seems I didn't quote the poster i was referring to with that.

Sorry as that may not make sense without the quote.

Your husband is lazy, has no respect for you, and is getting to live life exactly how he wants it at the cost of your health.

He sounds quite pathetic and very unattractive.

Worst of all, the situation will pass on to your DC who very likely will go on to have similarly imbalanced relationships. If you have a DD she will think it's her job to run around, work harder, be a servant to the great man. If you have a son, he will think he should sit down while wifey runs around making him happy. And that it isn't his job to bring up his own children.

I'm shocked people like him exist. And shocked that you have gone along with it. You can start to make changes today. Point out the inequalities to him: 'I know you must be reasonably intelligent as you hold down a good job, so you can see that I have to work longer hours / sleep less than you. I have to take all responsibility for our home and children. Why do you think that is OK? It isn't OK and it changes today. If not, I will be making steps to end this, so I can start to live the life I want to live, and have respect for myself, and bring our children up in a healthy environment'.

At 170k he can pay for a nanny, housekeeper, mother's help

OP the dynamic is not normal, you are being treated as a skivvy not a human being.

So you're basically the skivvy. What does he bring to the relationship table other than money OP

Every time my husband asked me this in the early years of our marriage I replied, "Why are you asking me?" He no longer does. Instead he says, "what shall we have for dinner?" To be fair, he's not working at the moment and I'm the sole earner, so he does most of the cooking anyway these days.

I’ve got an eating disorder so to make matters worse I don’t even eat it myself. 🙄
None of it is terribly healthy really.

@WizardOfAus

This post came from another parenting site and it applies to you.

(This post is specifically geared at women in heterosexual relationships.) Ok ladies, we need to talk.

Every few weeks there's a post that makes the admin team spend a day debating if we should say something or not. These posts are always on the same theme; husbands who are not pulling their weight.

Well, after just reading a post from this week were a whopping 4 HUNDRED of you commented in solidarity with the OP I've decided today is the day we say something.

Household chore inequity and child care inequality is a form of domestic abuse. It forces women to work themselves into exhaustion and illness, whilst men buy their free time with female exhaustion.

No one wants to see themselves as being in an abusive relationship. It means acknowledging that someone you love, someone you married or committed to, someone you chose to have children with is taking advantage of you and that hurts on so many levels.

it's heartbreaking to acknowledge, but acknowledge it we must.

If your husband or partner is capable of working at their job without being micromanaged and given extremely explicit instructions, then they are capable of contributing fairly at home without being given extremely explicit instructions and micromanaged. If they act like they are incapable they are gaslighting you.

If they were capable of living independently without living in a rat-infested pigsty without any clean clothes and living off pizza, then they are capable of ensuring children are fed and clothed, groceries are done, and household chores are shared equally. If they act like they are incapable they are gaslighting you.

If they claim they love you and yet your health comes secondary to their leisure, they're gaslighting you.

If they claim they can't possibly function and it would be unsafe for them to work with broken sleep, but it's totally fine for you to have to work, drive and do all the household chores and childcare on broken sleep, they're taking advantage of you.

If they say they are going to get up in the night and help but when the time comes the pretend to be asleep/complain, they're gaslighting you.

If they don't even actually try to settle the baby and had bub back almost immediately with "they just want you:", they're gaslighting you.

If your health, sanity, sleep, work, or self-esteem are suffering because you are the one doing everything, whilst they leverage your exhaustion into their free time, they're abusing you.
Like other forms of abuse, it will not get better on its own. It's not an accident.

So please ladies. Please stop laughing it off as "just men"

It's not just men. It's purposeful.

It might not be consciously purposeful, but it is still purposeful. They know they can get away with it.

one of you being on antidepressants because your husband won't help raise the children he fathered is one too many. 400+ of you being exhausted to the brink of PND and breakdowns is heartbreaking for us to watch.

You can't fix this by night weaning. Or sleep training. Or bedsharing, or chore charts, or even kicking hubby into the spare room. There are only two things that will fix this - therapy, or leaving.

I am sorry.

Amen to this!

Actually we were later back last week and when I got back he’d put something in for himself. But for no one else.
For me this would be the tipping point (although i would not have put up with any of the other shit ever). He catered for himself and not his children. He deliberately chose not to feed his children. What kind of father does that?

What an excellent post from mn. They should print that out and give it to kids leaving school.

I was you OP, even down to the cooking. He made lunch once, I sat down and said what am I having (veggie) "oh I didn't make anything for you"

I divorced him.

love this

Ah dont think that worked, google whats for feckin dinner, dirtbirds on facebook

Hang on, so you have an eating disorder but it’s your responsibility to feed everyone? That seems quite cruel

Yes, I regularly cook for everyone else and don’t eat any of it myself. I usually tidy up whilst they eat.

Unless he pays the mortgage and the bills , and your salary is your money for yourself you should be splitting the cleaning and cooking