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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What’s for dinner sweetheart?

138 replies

Dehydratedcaterpillar · 09/07/2021 17:43

Argh.
Every. Single. Night.

I work until about 4ish and then I go and pick up the dc. I’m usually back by about 4.45 and then DH appears at 5pm, sets in for the evening on the sofa and says ‘what’s for dinner sweetheart?’
God. His job pays nearly ten times more than mine but I’m not convinced mine is any less stressful if I’m honest. However I also do all the running around in the morning, so by the time I start work at 9am I’ve been going for three hours already. DH - out of bed at 8.15am.
It’s the ‘what’s for dinner sweetheart?’ that may tip me over the edge though.

OP posts:

FlowerArranger · 09/07/2021 18:26

Your question is about dinner, but I'm concerned that he earns so much more than you.

Does he contribute to your pension to even things out? This is really important, because what you contribute to the family is of equal value.

SunshineCake · 09/07/2021 18:27

@Oldbutstillgotit

Depressingly, there are so many of these men who simply refuse to do any childcare or household chores . My God daughter is married to one . She has tried talking to him but he simply refuses to change . He has never put on a wash, ironed a shirt, cooked a meal , changed a nappy or got up with the DC . Weekends are for golf and the pub. God daughter once threatened to leave but he made it very clear there would be no 50/50, he would just drop by a couple of times a week . I don’t know what the answer is . I would leave but fully expect to be the sole parent 99% of the time.

She'd still better off without him.

Icanflyhigh · 09/07/2021 18:28

@Dehydratedcaterpillar

Ahh I’ve tried using words. The solution was he pays for take away one evening a week now.

That isn’t really much of a solution. Because he doesn’t do anything else either.

FUCK THAT.

That is not a solution and you know it.

So vote with your feet, join him on the sofa and maybe beat him to the question of what's for dinner.

This annoys the hell out of me, why the fuck don't you just stand up for yourself and say "I've no fucking idea!" "How about YOU try being an adult for once and cook for your family?"

And if you're not prepared to do that and try and change the situation, don't moan about it.

Original poster

Dehydratedcaterpillar · 09/07/2021 18:28

No, he’s considerably richer than me. My pension is basically non-existent.

We got married after only a few months 🙄🙄 It wasn’t the smartest move I’ve ever made! Now ok stuck!
Maybe going on strike is the answer.

OP posts:

coodawoodashooda · 09/07/2021 18:28

Omg yes. Id have to leave if i was told that. Any tiny bit of respect would be gone.

Hollyhocksarenotmessy · 09/07/2021 18:29

God, this is depressing. Why do women still choose to live and breed with dinosaurs/misogynists/selfish pigs like this?

Vote with your feet.

Icanflyhigh · 09/07/2021 18:30

@Dehydratedcaterpillar

No, he’s considerably richer than me. My pension is basically non-existent.

We got married after only a few months 🙄🙄 It wasn’t the smartest move I’ve ever made! Now ok stuck!
Maybe going on strike is the answer.

Money doesn't come into it. He has no respect for you and has replaced his mother with someone who will cook for him and he can have sex with too.

AmyDudley · 09/07/2021 18:31

Sit him down and tell him that from now on things will be different. He is showing you enormous disrespect, and he needs to pull his weight. You are both working very similar hours, so household tasks should be shared equally or completed together.
You should only cook half the meals, you should only get up and sort the kids for school half the time, and you get as many lie ins as he does.

Buying a take out doesn't cut it. Get him to buy himself a cook book and organise some dinners and then cook them. Doesn't need to be anything fancy - anyone can cook pasta, chicken, potatoes and veg. or cook a bit of fish. These are not difficult tasks. If he is able to hold down a high paying job, then he is able to cook some simple meals, and get his children off to school.

I can;t understand why you are putting up with this and laughing about it as if laziness and selfishness are endearing little quirks of character.

My XH was an arsehole of the first order but even he could cook his share of the meals and sort the kids packed lunches etc. and without being asked - we just shared tasks.

Yellowcrockpot · 09/07/2021 18:31

I don't get it.

My DP works long hours and does a physical job.
I do neither of these things.

I rarely make dinner. Hes a grown man. Get your own.

I'll eat when I fancy it. DC will eat whatever I've put in front of them, and DP usually fends for himself?

"What's for dinner, sweetheart" ????

"I dont know the kids have had XYZ, I'm having XYZ... what are you having?"

The nights my DP doesn't make food as he's too tired, are the nights he goes without. 0 guilt.

Hes a grown man. Make your own choices!

MonkeyPuddle · 09/07/2021 18:31

I’d divorce him, take his fucking money and dine out on it.
Bellend doesn’t respect you so why respect him.

Takenoprisoner · 09/07/2021 18:32

My time machine works! It's the 1950s!

TonkinLenkicks · 09/07/2021 18:32

Urgh. The little boy lost routine is really unattractive. Funny how these men manage to hold down a good job but claim not to know how to use the washing machine. I speak from experience, go on strike. As if he’s not letting you have a lie in. He needs to give his head a wobble!

litterbird · 09/07/2021 18:35

@Dehydratedcaterpillar

No, he’s considerably richer than me. My pension is basically non-existent.

We got married after only a few months 🙄🙄 It wasn’t the smartest move I’ve ever made! Now ok stuck!
Maybe going on strike is the answer.

You aren't stuck.....just stop doing it all, its quite simple really.

Icanflyhigh · 09/07/2021 18:36

@Hollyhocksarenotmessy

God, this is depressing. Why do women still choose to live and breed with dinosaurs/misogynists/selfish pigs like this?

Vote with your feet.

Agreed.

This woman has basically described my exH, with the exception of earning a lot less.

Well sod that, he's now exH and for good reason.

I voted with my feet.

Beamur · 09/07/2021 18:38

Try the words again.
Lay down some boundaries.
Keep them.
Your DH is being very lazy but you are also enabling this.
You have my sympathies though. My DH isn't quite as bad as this but slips into doing as little as possible whenever he can! As a result of this, we have a pretty strict division around cooking and there are certain jobs which are his. If he doesn't do them, I don't step in. I launder everyone's clothing but don't iron his stuff or put his clean clothes away.

YelloYelloYello · 09/07/2021 18:41

Why are you putting up with this? Basically because he has money? Show yourself some respect - one of you has to.

Original poster

Dehydratedcaterpillar · 09/07/2021 18:42

DH doesn’t even put stuff in the dishwasher.
Possibly once a month he might empty it.
Must be nice to be DH.

OP posts:

Original poster

Dehydratedcaterpillar · 09/07/2021 18:44

Because I didn’t work for a few years after dc1 and then the pattern seemed hopelessly ingrained. He did nothing before the dc either but it bothered me less because I got a lie in if I wanted as no little person waking me up at 6.30am. Dc1 was a horrible sleeper, I nearly lost my mind. He’d be up 4/5 times in the night until he was nearly 5. DH would say I could have a lie in if I got ds up and dressed first. Course once I’d done that I was up and wide awake so didn’t bother going back to bed.

OP posts:

Hollyhocksarenotmessy · 09/07/2021 18:44

Yes, I accidentally found one of these. Had no idea he believed all this was woman's work till I moved in with him. Never crossed my mind that men like that still existed.

Fuck that shit. He's my ex.

OP, get some self respect, stop thinking of his money, move on. Or if you choose to live like this don't moan about it. Be prepared for your children to grow up learning this is normal and what they can expect I their relationships.

I'm sorry OP, but this baffles me.

GameSetMatch · 09/07/2021 18:47

‘what’s for dinner sweetheart?’ ….. whatever you cook!

category12 · 09/07/2021 18:48

Divorce and chips, with a side order of fuck you.

TwilightSkies · 09/07/2021 18:49

I’d divorce him, take his fucking money and dine out on it.
Bellend doesn’t respect you so why respect him.

Agreed.
He’s doesn’t care about you as a person. You exist simply to make his life easy by being his personal skivvy.
I don’t think there’s much love in this marriage.

Flugbusterbackagain · 09/07/2021 18:50

So he did nothing before the DC and you thought he would somehow change? Baffling.

I suppose you're married now (only a few months you said?) so if I were you Id prob put up with it for a few years longer so that when you get divorced you have a better claim on his finances. Maybe grabby of me to say that, but meh.

Or you can just keep martyring yourself and coming on MN to moan about him not doing the dishes.

Coyoacan · 09/07/2021 18:50

Sorry, OP, I know it isn't that easy, but you are not going to change him at this stage. The frog you kissed is still a frog.

Northernsoullover · 09/07/2021 18:51

@category12

Divorce and chips, with a side order of fuck you.

Yes, yes to this menu.

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