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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Embarrassed to have sex with me.

136 replies

Pinkysx · 09/07/2021 16:53

My partner has just admitted that he watches porn because im an embarrassment to him and doesnt want to have sex with me. Just that really. Not really sure why I'm even writing this just feel completely at a loss right now. Just to add he was cheating on me last year also so this is just another kick to an already wounded heart.

OP posts:
PurpleWaterBlue · 09/07/2021 17:36

Sounds to me like he is signalling loud and clear that he is either already or soon to be shagging someone else and is priming you to take the blame. He wants to make you feel terrible about yourself so you don't kick him out.

He is truly awful piece of human garbage and deserves to be kicked out.

CambsAlways · 09/07/2021 17:37

Chuck him out, what a scumbag you are worth sooo much more

Original poster
Pinkysx · 09/07/2021 17:38

No it wasn't a row I just seen him watching porn on his phone and I asked him to watch it in private if he must watch it and not just chill on the sofa watching it like its fucking netflix so he said that and then continued watching it Sad
Tbh ive been waiting for the explosion, ive felt tense around him all week, picking at every little thing and leaving me to do everything and then critising me for anything he can think off. Just really tired now and cannot deal with it tonight.
If i remove myself from the situation he'll have ago at me for going to bed and twist it saying im the one thats being nasty, if I stay downstairs with him he will keep trying to pick a fight, if im nice and act normal he will just keep going until i break. Then he will have ago at me for apologising or crying. I really dont understand what he gets from being like it

OP posts:
Nancydrawn · 09/07/2021 17:40

OP, that sounds like an awful, awful way to live.

Is there any reason you feel like you have to stay?

Wolfiefan · 09/07/2021 17:40

It doesn’t matter what he’s getting from this.
The point is he’s treating you like shit and you’re getting nothing good from this relationship.
Don’t analyse him. Leave.

Blueskytoday06 · 09/07/2021 17:42

@Pinkysx

No it wasn't a row I just seen him watching porn on his phone and I asked him to watch it in private if he must watch it and not just chill on the sofa watching it like its fucking netflix so he said that and then continued watching it Sad Tbh ive been waiting for the explosion, ive felt tense around him all week, picking at every little thing and leaving me to do everything and then critising me for anything he can think off. Just really tired now and cannot deal with it tonight. If i remove myself from the situation he'll have ago at me for going to bed and twist it saying im the one thats being nasty, if I stay downstairs with him he will keep trying to pick a fight, if im nice and act normal he will just keep going until i break. Then he will have ago at me for apologising or crying. I really dont understand what he gets from being like it
Only way to deal with a narcissist is to leave. Just leave. Stop trying to work out why he does what he does. Stop blaming yourself. Stop engaging. Stop letting him pull you down. Stop and leave. Your life is wasting away.
DogsSausages · 09/07/2021 17:42

He is a manipulative control freak who is weak and gets some pleasure from upsetting you. He is mucking with your head, you need to get away from him. Does ne behave like a twat in front of family and friends.

Umberellatheweatha · 09/07/2021 17:42

He's a psychopath or similar. He gets energy, happiness and a power trip from it. Hurting you is his sustenance. But you'll never truly understand it because you arent a cold, empty evil fucker like him. You don't need to get caught up trying to understand him. You just need to finda way to get away from him.

VerticalHorizon · 09/07/2021 17:46

How on earth can you be an embarrassment to him?

What you do in your bedroom, or kitchen table or spiral staircase gymnastics is between you both - how can it embarrass him (or you) if it's consenting and respectful, however plain, or wild?

The man's a moron.
He doesn't understand intimacy.
If he doesn't understand that, he doesn't really understand sex.

Now YOU have every right to be embarrassed FOR him.

RandomMess · 09/07/2021 17:46

Why are you subjecting your DC to living with someone like that?

SqueakyPeaks · 09/07/2021 17:47

Oh goodness. This is no partner. This is an abusive, nasty individual. Everyone deserves to be loved and treated with respect - nothing else is a relationship worth persevering with. Flowers

SunshineCake · 09/07/2021 17:47

What do you want to do?

It's easy for us to say obviously you should leave and at the very least never have sex with him again but what do you want as he won't suddenly change into a loving and caring partner. It is like asking the dog to become a cat.

AuntyFungal · 09/07/2021 17:48

Why waste time and effort trying to understand him?

What’s making you stay?
Money, fear of being alone, something else?

You sound resigned to your life.

MidgeRidge · 09/07/2021 17:48

Please listen to everyone. Leave him. Don’t wait until he has totally broken you. You are worth much more than this. No partner is better than this kind of ‘partner’. Please leave

Branleuse · 09/07/2021 17:49

you are in an abusive relationship

nimbuscloud · 09/07/2021 17:49

Is leaving him an option?

VerticalHorizon · 09/07/2021 17:51

Nobody who loves someone tells them this. Nobody.
He can't love you.

cashoncollection · 09/07/2021 17:52

Please leave him. He’s abusing you OP.

You are worth so much more. Imagine a home where you don’t have to live this way.

AcrossthePond55 · 09/07/2021 17:54

Can you explain why you're still there?

I'm not being critical or snotty. I'm just thinking that if you can put it down in words either things will become clear to you that you need to leave, or perhaps those of us here can help you find your way out safely and quietly.

He is crushing your very 'self' and no one should live like that. And what's more he enjoys it, don't think for moment he doesn't. He does. I've been there and I know, men like that get a vicious satisfaction out of seeing someone who loves them crushed into the dirt. You deserve so much more. But at the very least, you deserve to live in peace and calm.

There is nothing in the world worth living like that. I'd rather eat rice and beans in a one room flat than dine on filet mignon in a mansion with such a monster.

PurpleOkapi · 09/07/2021 17:58

Embarrassed? That doesn't even make sense unless other people were watching you have sex.

dyslek · 09/07/2021 17:59

Leave this tosser to wank himself out of the gene pool. There is litterally no way you are better off in this relationship than out of it.

SedentaryCat · 09/07/2021 18:01

He's an arse.

You have children and he's sitting around watching porn where they could see it? This in itself is abusive. Not to mention all the other things you have said about his behaviour towards you. He's the embarrassment, not you.

He's worn you down, don't let him normalise this kind of behaviour to your DCs. You are so much better than this.

Take care.

RainbowHash · 09/07/2021 18:01

OP - you do know this is abuse, right? Pure and simple. You need to tell people in real life. Have you got friends or family that can support you?

Leaving may seem like a big and scary step, but with the right planning you can do it. You deserve to be treated like a human being who is special, unique and loved. Not a punch bag to help him buildup his ego through his power play and nasty bullying.

Think of YOU. And your, kids of course. Don't let them grow up thinking this is acceptable.

Good luck 💐

ICECream821 · 09/07/2021 18:02

Why you with him?!

ihtwsf · 09/07/2021 18:04

He is awful. Truly awful.
You need to LTB before he robs you of your last bit of self-esteem and can't get out because once you reach rock bottom it's incredibly difficult to find the strength to leave and you end up staying because you feel like you can't make it on your own.