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Original poster

Relationship with high-functioning Asperger's guy

124 replies

idrinkandiknowthings · 09/07/2021 13:43

Hiya

I've been approached by a guy on a dating site and we've been messaging for a week. He is absolutely hilarious, has me in stitches.

He's told me that he's HFA. Does anyone have any experience of dating someone with HFA? We've arranged to meet at the end of the month. Obviously, it's very early days.

Ta!!

OP posts:
Trinacham · 09/07/2021 13:46

My DH is high functioning. Don't really think there's much you can gather from others' experiences though, as one individual is completely different to another. Neurotypical people differ just the same. I've been with DH 11 years and we've always been very happy and I can't imagine life without him, but there will be others with bad experiences.

NannyAndJohn · 09/07/2021 13:50

There's a long running series of threads on here detailing the experiences and struggles of being married to a man like this.

Might be worth a read.

Original poster
idrinkandiknowthings · 09/07/2021 13:55

@NannyAndJohn

There's a long running series of threads on here detailing the experiences and struggles of being married to a man like this.

Might be worth a read.

Aha!! Fabby, thanks Smile
OP posts:
Original poster
idrinkandiknowthings · 09/07/2021 13:56

@NannyAndJohn

There's a long running series of threads on here detailing the experiences and struggles of being married to a man like this.

Might be worth a read.

That's encouraging, thanks! Smile
OP posts:
RickiTarr · 09/07/2021 13:58

@NannyAndJohn

There's a long running series of threads on here detailing the experiences and struggles of being married to a man like this.

Might be worth a read.

“Man like this”? Hmm
Misty9 · 09/07/2021 13:59

My divorce from my autistic ex came through today... But we were not well matched in hindsight. His inability to emotionally connect triggered my fear of rejection/abandonment. But he's been a great person to divorce as he just doesn't really do emotions!

I'd judge any new relationship on how you feel and how easily you communicate. Enjoy!

litterbird · 09/07/2021 14:05

I had to walk away from my HFA boyfriend several months ago. He was absolutely lovely, kind and gentle. Unfortunately he wasn’t able to connect at all on an emotional level with me and that didn’t suit me. I am a very affectionate person who verbalises love and care. It wasn’t reciprocated so sadly we just weren’t a match. I tried for 18 months, read up everything I could about HFA to support and learn. At the end of the day, my needs weren’t met. I had to move on. He still remains a friend.

CastawayQueen · 09/07/2021 14:05

Every person with autism is different. You may be able to cope with his autistic traits - or you may not. What matter is that he is open and honest and lots of communication between you both.

There are a LOT of threads on mumsnet detailing the 'struggles' of dating/being married to autistic people. A significant amount of them have married their men despite obvious issues like emotional closeness etc. This is no different from the number of women posting married to neurotypical men who are arseholes and were always like that.

So try to understand him and judge him on his own merits. If you don't like what you see - leave. But don't marry him and then complain.

My DP is autistic and I have ADHD. Neither of us are easy to live with and we would have happily stayed single if we hadn't met each other. You should never put up with anything that doesn't suit you 'because neurodiversity'. Some people are too neurodiverse to have a partner and that's a fact.

CastawayQueen · 09/07/2021 14:07

Also to add - it IS a spectrum.
My DP is very loving and emotional and huggly (he LOVES wandering into my home office for random hugs) and totally gets me.
Not like the people you see complained about here.
You can't tell..

TheSnootiestFox · 09/07/2021 14:09

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

RickiTarr · 09/07/2021 14:32

Good post @CastawayQueen

vivariumvivariumsvivaria · 09/07/2021 14:51

I married a man with autism.

I didn't realise when we were dating, in retrospect it was classic whirlwind love bombing. He is a kind person and he does his best for us, but there have been significant challenges.

He can't deal with illness, and so when the kids came along and one of them was significantly and chronically unwell I was on my own. For years. He did what he could do - which was work and pay the bills but he had literally nothing to do with hospitals and emergencies. It was is if he didn't care if the child lived or died - I now understand that he was so worried he just couldn't deal with the emotions he felt, but at the time it was, erm, challenging.

I have a lot of anger about that - he opted out of parenting a poorly kid. Who does that?

To be fair, he genuinely couldn't cope, and he didn't know he was autistic when we met, but, still, the bottom line is that he promised me in sickness and in health, and he had no right to do that because he is unable to keep that vow. But, then, he didn't KNOW that when he made the vow, and he didn't know we'd have a poorly child, and he didn't know he was neurodiverse.

I also recognise what Snootiest said about behaviour changing once the ring was on my finger. On our honeymoon I remember wondering what the fuck had happened to him, he changed completely. I barely recognised him. What had happened was the love bombing had stopped, he had stopped masking and I had married someone I didn't recognise.

So, I'd not warn you off because everyone is different and there are many positive traits to neurodiversity. But, I feel hoodwinked because the person I was marrying is not the man I thought he was.

Your partner is diagnosed and sharing that information with you. He's in a very different position from my DH. I'd advise you to have a look at the threads mentioned previously and have a chat with him about relationships and maintaining them and I'd have a look at the Gottman Institute's website. They have a lot about predicting relationship breakdown. That site has probably saved my marriage - DH recognises that opting out is what divorce is, he can't be married and not participate.

But, if I knew then what I know now I'd have taken longer to get married and I'd have done counselling with him beforehand and I'd have found the Gottman Institute and insisted that we prioritise relationship maintenance. It's a tricky, but not boring marriage.

OneMoreForExtra · 09/07/2021 15:04

Some really good advice above regarding relationships with people with ASD. The other thing to consider is whether you want children with a future partner. You'd have a strongly increased chance if an autistic child, which might or might not bother you. But an ASD father is also a different parent to a NT one, just as the romantic relationship is different, and that can have long term consequences. I only recognised my father's autism as the reason I struggled to form healthy relationships in my late 30s. Its not a legacy I would recommend.

TheSnootiestFox · 09/07/2021 15:11

Oh I see my post was deleted again Angry if someone could explain to me why my experience and opinion is less valid than anyone else's I'd
be grateful.... as someone who has been there there, done it without realising as I had an experience like vivarium's where he changed, well, before the honeymoon in my case, and then had the therapy, its people like me who should be listened to, not bloody deleted at every post because I dare speak the truth!

RickiTarr · 09/07/2021 15:15

I also recognise what Snootiest said about behaviour changing once the ring was on my finger. On our honeymoon I remember wondering what the fuck had happened to him, he changed completely. I barely recognised him. What had happened was the love bombing had stopped, he had stopped masking and I had married someone I didn't recognise.

None of that is characteristic of autism. Rather the opposite, in fact. Autists aren’t very good at maintaining a pretence and not normally very talented at manipulation.

CastawayQueen · 09/07/2021 15:15

@vivariumvivariumsvivaria

I married a man with autism.

I didn't realise when we were dating, in retrospect it was classic whirlwind love bombing. He is a kind person and he does his best for us, but there have been significant challenges.

He can't deal with illness, and so when the kids came along and one of them was significantly and chronically unwell I was on my own. For years. He did what he could do - which was work and pay the bills but he had literally nothing to do with hospitals and emergencies. It was is if he didn't care if the child lived or died - I now understand that he was so worried he just couldn't deal with the emotions he felt, but at the time it was, erm, challenging.

I have a lot of anger about that - he opted out of parenting a poorly kid. Who does that?

To be fair, he genuinely couldn't cope, and he didn't know he was autistic when we met, but, still, the bottom line is that he promised me in sickness and in health, and he had no right to do that because he is unable to keep that vow. But, then, he didn't KNOW that when he made the vow, and he didn't know we'd have a poorly child, and he didn't know he was neurodiverse.

I also recognise what Snootiest said about behaviour changing once the ring was on my finger. On our honeymoon I remember wondering what the fuck had happened to him, he changed completely. I barely recognised him. What had happened was the love bombing had stopped, he had stopped masking and I had married someone I didn't recognise.

So, I'd not warn you off because everyone is different and there are many positive traits to neurodiversity. But, I feel hoodwinked because the person I was marrying is not the man I thought he was.

Your partner is diagnosed and sharing that information with you. He's in a very different position from my DH. I'd advise you to have a look at the threads mentioned previously and have a chat with him about relationships and maintaining them and I'd have a look at the Gottman Institute's website. They have a lot about predicting relationship breakdown. That site has probably saved my marriage - DH recognises that opting out is what divorce is, he can't be married and not participate.

But, if I knew then what I know now I'd have taken longer to get married and I'd have done counselling with him beforehand and I'd have found the Gottman Institute and insisted that we prioritise relationship maintenance. It's a tricky, but not boring marriage.

* stay with him* ? I’m very interested as my and DP parents are similar ( we inherited our ND from our dads). Had I been them i would have left (and I have left autistic partners previously)
CastawayQueen · 09/07/2021 15:16

@vivariumvivariumsvivaria sorry my question is why did you stay

RickiTarr · 09/07/2021 15:17

I suspect they’ve deleted for your nasty mode of expression rather than the content of your comments alone @TheSnootiestFox

But report the post and ask them, if in doubt.

Nonmaquillee · 09/07/2021 15:18

@idrinkandiknowthings

Hiya

I've been approached by a guy on a dating site and we've been messaging for a week. He is absolutely hilarious, has me in stitches.

He's told me that he's HFA. Does anyone have any experience of dating someone with HFA? We've arranged to meet at the end of the month. Obviously, it's very early days.

Ta!!

I don’t suppose he lives near Cambridge??
TheSnootiestFox · 09/07/2021 15:27

@RickiTarr - both of your points are untrue. In my extensive reading around the subject, there were many many accounts of men changing on their wedding night/honeymoon. I put it down to a hangover, but the hangover went on for 13 years. Also, my tone is blunt but factual. No nastiness required. I simply do not want to see someone else ruin their life as I did.

CastawayQueen · 09/07/2021 15:33

[quote TheSnootiestFox]@RickiTarr - both of your points are untrue. In my extensive reading around the subject, there were many many accounts of men changing on their wedding night/honeymoon. I put it down to a hangover, but the hangover went on for 13 years. Also, my tone is blunt but factual. No nastiness required. I simply do not want to see someone else ruin their life as I did.[/quote]
Also to you - why didn’t you leave?

RickiTarr · 09/07/2021 15:34

People who “love bomb”, put on an act, manipulate and then change completely after marriage are unlikely to have Aspergers.

They clearly have other issues but that description doesn’t fit autism, as described in any professional literature.

That is just a matter of established fact and I doubt you are qualified to overturn years of psychological research.

It’s not entirely unusual for misdiagnosis to happen, though. So maybe that is an explanation?

TheSnootiestFox · 09/07/2021 15:38

@CastawayQueen - because everyone around me was telling me how lovely he was and how I shouldn't leave a marriage for something as stupid as sex (it took 3.5 months from wedding night to consummation of the marriage, and even then I felt like I'd raped him) and by that point I'd got myself dosed up on antidepressants which kept me numb so I didn't react as I should. I also had nowhere to go.......

CastawayQueen · 09/07/2021 15:40

[quote TheSnootiestFox]@CastawayQueen - because everyone around me was telling me how lovely he was and how I shouldn't leave a marriage for something as stupid as sex (it took 3.5 months from wedding night to consummation of the marriage, and even then I felt like I'd raped him) and by that point I'd got myself dosed up on antidepressants which kept me numb so I didn't react as I should. I also had nowhere to go.......[/quote]
That’s very unfortunate - I’m sorry you had to go through that and I can see why you have a very strong reaction to this thread

Again - some people should not have partners and your ex seems to be one of them

CastawayQueen · 09/07/2021 15:44

Also to add it seems that it had a very big impact on your emotional well-being