Relationship with high-functioning Asperger's guy

[idrinkandiknowthings]

Hiya

I've been approached by a guy on a dating site and we've been messaging for a week. He is absolutely hilarious, has me in stitches.

He's told me that he's HFA. Does anyone have any experience of dating someone with HFA? We've arranged to meet at the end of the month. Obviously, it's very early days.

Ta!!

@RickiTarr I think it was one of Maxine Aston's pieces. I, on the other hand, doubt you are highly qualified to dispute the first hand experiences of partners in marriages like mine.

The love bombing thing- Where it happens, it's not deliberate in the way the term is often used.

It's more that winning you is the current 'special interest'. You are the focus of his hyper attention. Once you have been 'won' ie, married, moved in, whatever the goal is, then that focus is likely to be redirected to the next goal.

It's not an unusual pattern, but feels like abandonment when you aren't expecting it. My husband was so attentive and loving in the early days. He did all the 'boyfriend' stuff. When we married he moved on to doing the 'responsible provider' stuff. Then he did the Dad stuff.

Thing is, the close friend/lover stuff got left behind, and also there are other things he doesn't do- he opted out of anything sickness or care related.

It's hard to get him to pay attention to what I want and need, he is caught up in his own idea of how he should be at this stage of our lives. And he struggles to change things he has decided on.

Your chap will have many excellent qualities, you just have to find out what they are and see how you fit. Be prepared for his 'total package' to be a bit more spiky in terms of strength and weaknesses.

I’m sorry you had a horrible experience @TheSnootiestFoxbut it has very little to do with autism, and I have no idea why you are posting it on this particular thread.

OP’s dating enquiry has no red flags whatsoever.

Well at least you know now so you can see how it goes.

I was in a long term relationship with my ex. I must admit it was a tricky relationship where I ended up doing everything because he could not complete tasks or organise things.

In the last 18 months he discovered he had ADHD and I suspect autism. We have recently split - he was never emotionally available and had numerous affairs and anger issues.

We also have a dd with autism (only just had the assessment done). If one parent has ASD statistically you have more chance of having a child with ASD. I'm not saying all people with ASD/Aspergers are incapable of having a good/great relationship/marriage but the statistics show that they have a higher rate of break ups/divorce.

At least you know and you can decide whether he is the right match for you.

Stop generalising across large groups of people. There is a name for that.

Ricki, he wasn't love bombing in an abusive, manipulative way. He was performing being a boyfriend.

Once we were married he had no need to perform boyfriend any more. He says himself that he thought that was the end of the need to do romance, because we had achieved the goal of romance, which was marriage. Job done, so time to move onto the next thing.

He does hyperfocus on one thing at a time and that is typical of autism. He achieves it (like taking up the cello and mastering it, getting to the top of a leaderboard on some game, running a marathon) and then he drops that interest and moves on.

I was an interest and I was dropped.

I disagree, these behaviours are entirely autistic at their source. He is not manipulative at all, but his behaviour can be unkind because he has a communication disorder and that impacts on our marriage in a way that is very challenging.

Why did I stay?

Well, primarily because I was in the middle of trying to manage an unwell child and that takes up a lot of time and energy.

Mainly because I made vows and I meant them.

Plus, he's not a bad man. His behaviour can seem cruel, but he is not intending to be cruel.

I often wonder if I should leave. He has spent our 20 years of marriage teaching me not to need him, not to rely on him, to do my own thing. I'd be absolutely fine on my own, I know that.

But, there is something flattering about a man who has no friends because he doesn't need them and who has no need to maintain relationships with his family - wanting me. He wants to be married to me. I don't understand why, because his behaviour does not support his assertion, but, I do believe him.

So, that's fine. If that is the case he has to maintain the marriage and participate in the relationship.

Our son is now a teenager and doing great. Life is easier. And that gives me choices. I don't know what will happen between us but I do know that I will be fine.

@onemoreforextra
Same here. DF with ASD. Endless therapy for me. Very challenging for self esteem and relationships.

@vivariumvivariumsvivaria that’s one autistic trait though. Everybody in the population has autistic traits. Its just that enough of them, in conjunction produces significant impairment that results in an autism diagnosis.
Being unable to see other peoples’ viewpoints to the point of selfishness - an autistic trait, also present in neurotypicals.

Furthermore autism doesn’t imply that they cannot communicate at all. Just means that (depending on the severity) things that come naturally to other people need to be learned. Or need to be made point blank obvious.

In the end it all depends on what specific combination of traits they have. And the ability to take mitigating actions. People whose autism has been identified early like DP have had years of experience managing and mitigating the effects of their behaviour. Very different from people diagnosed as adults. Or people who are undiagnosed.

I have dated a few autistic men (some diagnosed, some not - diagnosed after our relationship ended) and they all had different challenges. However I have dated equally difficult neurotypicals with bad behaviour (like standing me up constantly, not replying to texts etc). Only 2 of the autistic men (including DP) were fit to be in a relationship- but I had a similar success rate with the neurotypicals in displaying healthy behaviour.

So I’d say be aware of behaviours that might be related to autism. But if people’s point is that they ‘married someone not knowing they had autism’ then nothing in the world will help them. Because they didn’t know the cause of the behaviour- so how could they fix it???

Also @vivariumvivariumsvivaria you’re a better person than me - I would have left (and have left people) but I’m not a mother so I don’t know how I would feel 😂

Everybody in the population has autistic traits. Its just that enough of them, in conjunction produces significant impairment that results in an autism diagnosis.

This is absolute bollocks. Everybody does not have autistic traits. Autistic people have autistic traits.

Yes, Castaway he has many traits and that is why he landed up with a diagnosis in his mid40s.

Most the traits are positive, he excels in his work because of them. He is totally honest, he does not lie. He is loyal and hardworking and devoted to us. I am never going to find out that he has had an affair or gambled the house away or any of the awful behaviours that you see on threads on here.

But, he masked when we were dating and therefore I feel hoodwinked because his "normal" is not what I thought it was. He wasn't manipulating or deceiving me, he was following the script from films because he didn't instinctively know how to "do" romance.

I'd like a bit of romance, to feel connected to him and to feel like we have an emotional intimacy. It's reasonable of me to feel a bit sad that I don't, and won't have that.

I had no time or energy to reflect on the state of our marriage for years, Castaway. Serious illness in children takes up a lot of your attention, there were 2 other young kids and a job to juggle.

So being married to a good, reliable, but distant man was on the back burner for a long time.

Lots of couples who navigate serious illness split up. I can totally see why.

My experience with a man with aspergers is similar to others.
Very keen to start with, attentive etc. Then once he thought he had me on the hook he became selfish and self absorbed, especially in the bedroom. Constantly talked about himself, rarely asked anything about me.
When he totally blew it with his behaviour and I called him out I got a 'sorry not sorry ' from him, as expected tbh.
Each person is different, you really cannot gauge what sort of relationship you might have with this guy until you try. Good luck 💐

@CastawayQueen

And what are your sources?

Certainly not a 10 year old American link that cites people who do not have autism as 'healthy'

That's about as awful as it gets. Really.

It’s also common sense - if autistic traits were ONLY found in autistic people then a person having a single trait would be enough to be diagnosed as autistic =•=

I must be lacking common sense then. That will be it. But wait, people are not diagnosed on their traits. Diagnosis covers impairment and deficits. Traits are merely common autistic behaviours - the majority are not even part of the diagnostic criteria.

[quote toastantea]@CastawayQueen

And what are your sources?

Certainly not a 10 year old American link that cites people who do not have autism as 'healthy'

That's about as awful as it gets. Really. [/quote]
Agreed.

@CastawayQueen autistic traits are very different. Yes there are things that link between a neurotypical person and a neuro-diverse. Such a stimming. Compulsive behaviours etc. However someone who has autism will do that to an extreme that the behaviours aren't disguised in real life. So yes everybody has traits that can be found in autism, however not everybody has autistic traita.

Vivarium, our lives seem very parallel! It's hard to leave a man who needs you, who doesn't think he can live without you, and has never intended to be anything but a good husband. Having learned not to need him, I'm actually quite happy to stay married. The positives you mention, and the friendly life we have together, is enough. I'd have liked more, but I can manage with what I have.

I haven't seen what Castaway posted, but I can guess. I understand where she is coming from- her experience is terribly painful, and when you find explanations online that chime so loudly with your own experience you leap on them with desperation. What she says is her truth.

It's actually true for many people in relationships with men with autism, it just isn't true of all relationships with autistic people and so we can't generalise that it is.

Many women with autism manage relationships quite differently, as do a lot of men with autism.

We hear a lot about those of us who struggle, though, and there w8ll be a lot of similarities in those stories.

Many women with autism manage relationships quite differently, as do a lot of men with autism.

Well of course they do, because people are human beings and individuals.

Unfortunately bad news and bitterness shouts louder than good news and successful relationships. 🤷🏻‍♀️

My ex boyfriend was text book on the spectrum but refused to get a diagnosis. From stimming to meltdowns to overfocusing on things. Loads more. I know an armchair diagnosis isn't great but I needed an explanation and I tried to make it work for as long as possible. We broke up in the end because he just couldn't handle me having any emotions and would get very distressed, turning them back on me and was unable to cool down. Autism or not he could have handled a lot of things better, and towards the end I would say his behaviour was verging on abusive, but I'm still not sure he meant it as he tried so very hard to get things right and I tried to change so I needed less emotionally but wasn't able.

DH is autistic. He was diagnosed as an adult. Most people would describe him as super duper bright, very successful and…strange and awkward. He struggles to make conversation and small talk. He can come across as evasive. It takes a while to breakthrough. And yes I did experience the ‘performing boyfriend’ bit but we were in our early 20s and I called him out on it. Home is where he can be himself so he doesn’t need to ‘perform’ being a good husband. And actually he is a good husband- he’s kind, a great dad and I enjoy his company. BUT sometimes life is on his schedule, he has very very few friends and is not fond of social occasions and yes, if I had self esteem issues we wouldn’t have made it.

picklemewalnuts He IS a good man and he IS doing his best. But, it's not what I thought I was signing up for. I'm not convinced that is unusual in any marriage once you are 20 years in, though. I'm not sure that NT partners are any more predictable after a significant period of time - the relationships board is full of evidence that people change.

ChaBishkoot I met DH in my late 20s. It is an uncomfortable truth that I wanted to settle down and he was a good bet. He was reliable, sensible, attentive, financially astute and I fancied him. I think I'd have dumped him if I'd met him 10 years earlier, and I'd have shagged him halfway through the first date if I'd met him 10 years later.

He's bemusing and the marriage has only held together because of my stubbornness, but, honestly, how could I leave someone who is genuinely, clearly, doing his best? What else is there?