Relationship with high-functioning Asperger's guy

[idrinkandiknowthings]

Hiya

I've been approached by a guy on a dating site and we've been messaging for a week. He is absolutely hilarious, has me in stitches.

He's told me that he's HFA. Does anyone have any experience of dating someone with HFA? We've arranged to meet at the end of the month. Obviously, it's very early days.

Ta!!

My needs are not met by HFA husband. I am leaving him.

I realised that my happiness matters too and I don't want to be lumbered with everything being more difficult than it would be with someone who is NT.

Mine is extremely apathetic though and is "fact" mad. Thoughts and feelings don't exist. I will never become involved with someone like this again.

I've utterly given up on relationships with neurotypicals. The ones I've been with did nothing but abuse and manipulate me and exploit my autism to their own ends.

Current partner and previous are both autistic men.

Just to add some counterweight. After all if it's ok for neurotypical people to make sweeping generalisations about the autistic community then surely it works both ways?

Yes, Bishop, of course that's fine. If you find a group of people share characteristics that don't suit you then it is reasonable to scrub them off your dating list.

You can reject someone for any reason whatsoever. That's how consent works.

@RickiTarr

I also recognise what Snootiest said about behaviour changing once the ring was on my finger. On our honeymoon I remember wondering what the fuck had happened to him, he changed completely. I barely recognised him. What had happened was the love bombing had stopped, he had stopped masking and I had married someone I didn't recognise.

None of that is characteristic of autism. Rather the opposite, in fact. Autists aren’t very good at maintaining a pretence and not normally very talented at manipulation.

How long did the marriage last?

I'm still in it, Gentleman. 20 years.

I'm not sure why I haven't left. I have grounds, the law would say that his behaviour is unreasonable.

He's not being manipulative or unkind intentionally though. I think that's why I haven't left. It's not his fault, he's not a mean person, but he just doesn't "get" that relationships need work and effort and nurturing.

But don't marry him and then complain

Yeah, no.

My HFA ex-spouse was lovely in the beginning when I was his special interest. Then he got interested in something else and, well, changed - but we were already married.

Peer support was my lifesaver.

I agree totally with @zeev.
Mine was an angel in the beginning. When I was his special interest too. He lost interest when I moved in with him, by which point, I had fallen accidentally pregnant and was already 5 months gone, unknown to me.

Imagine the head fuck when I went from being adored to discovering I was pregnant after moving in with him and him thinking it fine to begin a totally separate social life from me and the baby, a life brimming with his obsessive hobbies.

We became housemates fast.

He's not your responsibility though is he @vivarium

Leaving isn't simple though, Up. It was complex - he'd not be allowed unsupervised access because our kid was poorly and he had not demonstrated that he was competent to look after the child. He's not neglectful, he is unable.

I didn't trust him to manage the kid. Who's now older and fine. As am I.

TBH, those years were brutal and it affected my mental health and my career. Leaving takes a lot of energy and I don't have it yet. Grass isn't always greener, sometimes you are best trying a bit of edging and moss killer for a few seasons.

I'm content with my choices for now. I'm not unhappy but I am disappointed and frustrated by how things turned out for us.

It can be very challenging.

I ended a relationship quite early on that seemed to be heading into long term and serious territory after attending a wedding!

I'd gone on my own to the wedding and realised just how hard they day would have been if my then partner had been with me. I would have had to totally up my social skills, manage his anxiety and awkward interaction with other people.

It may sound really harsh but assessing the situation rationally the difficulties posed seemed to overwhelm the positives for me.

I have other friends who have a diagnosis who are much more functional in day to day life and have more insight into their own difficulties which makes things easier. Several have been married for a long time to accepting partners who just know they have to modify their approach to some things.

And as someone has pointed out upthread those with autism quite rightly regard themselves as having to put up with neurotypical behaviour. In fact my friend's teen pointed this out to me somewhat disparagingly last week.

"Bloody neurotypical" was the quote I think.

I'm married to one - happily so for 27 years. Also has me in stitches, still, every day. Great sense of humour. Very loyal and kind and dependable. Not perfect but no one is.

@NannyAndJohn

There's a long running series of threads on here detailing the experiences and struggles of being married to a man like this.

Might be worth a read.

Man like what? We know literally nothing about him, apart from a diagnosis that's so broad it could mean or not mean almost anything.

Both my husband and I are autistic. There are many similarities but we both have our own individual quirks and challenges. Somehow we both really work but I think both of us would struggle in a relationship with a neurotypical. It is impossible to say what this relationship would be like for you as he is an individual, but fair to say that communication could be quite challenging for you both. It is worth reading up on autism if you haven’t already done so.

@MauveMavis

And as someone has pointed out upthread those with autism quite rightly regard themselves as having to put up with neurotypical behaviour. In fact my friend's teen pointed this out to me somewhat disparagingly last week.

"Bloody neurotypical" was the quote I think.

I'm so glad you posted this. I've often had that feeling but never articulated it.

@MauveMavis

And as someone has pointed out upthread those with autism quite rightly regard themselves as having to put up with neurotypical behaviour. In fact my friend's teen pointed this out to me somewhat disparagingly last week.

"Bloody neurotypical" was the quote I think.

I find both NT's and ND's equally annoying. Everyone is crazy. Unlike nice and shiny and logical computer programs which I understand :D

*Have ADHD and DP is autistic

sorry but I find all of this hilarious

I've utterly given up on relationships with neurotypicals. The ones I've been with did nothing but abuse and manipulate me and exploit my autism to their own ends.

Me too Bishop.

DP and I have been together for 15 years, we're both autistic and very happy.

I'd be a bit cautious of the 'married to a man with Aspergers' threads as by definition the people who are on those threads seeking support are the ones who aren't happy.

@KarmaViolet

I've utterly given up on relationships with neurotypicals. The ones I've been with did nothing but abuse and manipulate me and exploit my autism to their own ends.

Me too Bishop.

DP and I have been together for 15 years, we're both autistic and very happy.

I'd be a bit cautious of the 'married to a man with Aspergers' threads as by definition the people who are on those threads seeking support are the ones who aren't happy.

DP is autistic and cuddliest person ,much love

I have adhd and dp is HFA. He has many of the positive traits above and we can be very companiable and make a nice life together. Where we struggle is my need for physical, verbal and emotional intimacy clashes with his inability and discomfort with those things. Or when his ASD rages/meltdowns and my high intensity emotions clash in a ND storm. He tries to remember to give me a pat on the back or a hug when I am sad and I try to need those things less. We try to see beyond our overreactions and move on quickly. But I feel sad when I watch or read romances as we don’t have any of that and I miss feeling adored/desired as with previous partners. We are work in progress and I don’t know where it will end up. But I think our friendship is strong enough that we could coparent or divorce reasonably sensibly if we ever had to, so I hope it will be ok in the end. I would never let myself be financially dependent on him though.

He dislikes all hugs and kisses, any pdas really. That’s quite difficult for me as I am very tactile. The dog gets a lot of cuddles from us both though!

And as someone has pointed out upthread those with autism quite rightly regard themselves as having to put up with neurotypical behaviour. In fact my friend's teen pointed this out to me somewhat disparagingly last week

"Bloody neurotypical" was the quote I think

A million times this.

I'm in a relationship with an NT, and thankfully she just doesn't do most of the things I find enormously frustrating about NT people. Her circle of friends though....

I've said before on here that I find most NT people irritating beyond belief. They are flakey, inconsistent, prone to nonsense like sentimentality, whimsical, illogical, overly-emotional to the point of ridiculousness, scheming, vindictive, hypocritical, irrational, undependable, and even as an autistic prone to typical obsession or 'special interests' I find most NT's even more self-absorbed than I am. Why on earth would I have the slightest interest in the photos of your niece that I have never met and am never likely to?

It's not just autistics who make life insufferable for NT folk. It goes both ways.

☝🏽☝🏽 My DH says exactly the same. (I am NT).
It’s hard to explain how we navigate our intimacy partly because we have been happily together for 20+ years. But I am not massively cuddly and we both give each other a LOT of space. He has no clue what to do when I am upset but as a physician he frequently finds himself in a situation where people are upset so has a script for dealing with it. With me, he asks me outright what I need and I tell him.
I cannot give advice on how to be in a relationship with an autistic person- DH was one of my first relationships when I was barely out of my teens. I am aware that every autistic person presents differently but also DH’s autism is entirely part of who he is- I don’t know another version of him.

I would never date an autistic man again. I am scarred by my last experience of dating a man who could not access his emotions at all.

[quote TheSnootiestFox]@RickiTarr I think it was one of Maxine Aston's pieces. I, on the other hand, doubt you are highly qualified to dispute the first hand experiences of partners in marriages like mine.[/quote]
My ex did the same. He masked for a while (the first few months) and then things changed overnight.

could not access his emotions at all

I'm genuinely curious about what phrases like this actually mean. I see similar quite a lot in these threads, and it puzzles me, because from my perspective it's not so much a case of not being able to access emotions, as NT people not realising that autistic thought processes are entirely different, and quite frequently we simply do not have any emotions to access, rather than being unable to.

The only way I can think of describing my own thought process is that I am ruthlessly pragmatic, so I find NT people ridiculously over-emotional. The phrase 'no point crying over spilt milk' resonates so much with me, which is why, although I am completely able to understand hurt and upset, and the need to express it, I really do not understand why NT people get maudlin about things and linger in misery when whatever caused it is in the past. Emotions and emotional responses have absolutely no impact on, or ability to alter events, so what is the point? Likewise, romance, sentimentality, people carrying on as if their world is destroyed when a celebrity they have never met and doesn't know they even exist dies, etc etc

I used to constantly get asked by my Ex 'what are you thinking?' and such. As someone who doesn't do dishonesty, lies, or game-playing, I'd simply respond with absolute integrity - "nothing", or
'I'm not. I don't have any thoughts, it's not something I've given any thought to". This honesty used to incense them for some reason. It's as if there are stock answers, responses, or emotions that I'm supposed to feel and relay on command. It's bizarre and infuriating, almost as if I'm not permitted to feel the way I do, or honestly have no feelings about something that I couldn't care less about.

This constant need of some NT's to forever be discussing 'emotions', thoughts, feelings etc within a relationship is enormously wearing. Most autistics are very much 'WYSIWYG', there's really no need to ask things like 'what are you thinking?'. It just antagonises us when you don't get the response you are expecting and throw your toys out of the pram.