Having an abortion due to finances?

[ConfusedNeedAdvice]

Hi all,

Really struggling and desperately need some advice.

Background:
Me - 36, 2 kids 10 and 12 with exh married to current Dh a year, together for 5 years. Earn 28k FT work

Him - 36, never married before and no interest in having children together. Earns 70k FT work, gaureenteed 10k payrise next year

Tuesday I found out I'm 5 weeks pregnant. Complete surprise.

Dh has been horrendous since, saying it'll ruin our lives etc wants me to abort.

I would day dream off and on about another child but never thought it would be an option. Also my pregnancies are horrendous, SPD from 8 weeks, even now i suffer with left over issues. Basically house bound by 28 weeks!

I was pretty sure I'd keep it, even looking at how I'd survive as a single parent.

But today, after a rare calm conversation with DH, he showed me we would only have 178-200 after all bills. That's for any and all extras.

So current kids would have no swimming lessons, birthday parties, we'd have no takeaway or holidays. God forbid we had a sudden unexpected bill to pay!!

So now i feel perhaps I'm being unreasonable to expect the whole family to suffer financially due to this?

Is having an abortion because of finances a good enough reason??

(I know we are very lucky, 100k income, 4 bed house etc. My ex and i went into massive debt having the other 2 kids and it was extremely stressful. But ironically, despite high earnings this time we really wouldn't be much better off if i am not working or have to pay extortionate nursery fees!)

The decision is yours, but remember that your household income is about 3x the average.
I think whichever option you decide, your DH isn't a keeper.

Do you believe his figures?

What are you feelings about your H’s response and the relationship?

It sounds like termination would be best, not because you and DH couldn’t afford a DC, but because the odds seem high of breaking up with your DH if you have DC3, and your and your DCs’ circumstances then would be v hard on your personal income. And much harder than being single with your current two DC.

To be totally honest, I can understand a terrible reaction (NOT violent or aggressive towards you, but definitely negative) from someone who has been clear about their desire not to have kids, finding out they've made a child.
I think you need to carefully think about what kind of lifestyle you want for your existing 2 before making any decision.
Also I'd take another look at future birth control if you plan to stay with DH.

Are you sure those figures are right OP it sounds odd. We are similar with same money and kids (though together and 12 and 9) and we could afford it

I just dont think he wants it - which is fine but the lying to make you think that your current children would suffer is not on

What are you spending money on?

Maybe buy a cheaper house (either less nice location, or let the children share rooms)?

Or take a good look at finances to see where else you can save (try Money Saving Expert)?

But there'll be way to make it work. Lots of families manage happily on far less. And will those luxuries really bring half as much joy as your new baby?

98k but couldn't afford a third child? That's not right unless you live in a mansion. I wouldn't base your decision on his figures, I think he's massaged them to say what he wants them to.

Is that £200 a month left over whilst you are on maternity leave, paying full time child care, paying part time child care and a decrease in your salary if you go part time, or if you quit your job?

Your choice.
I had a termination and finances was one of my reasons.
I have never regretted my decision

Any reason is a good reason.
I wouldn't want to have a child knowing that I couldn't provide the quality of life I wanted them to have (i.e. things like swimming lessons and birthday parties that you mention in your OP) so finance would be a very strong reason for me. Your DC are also oldest to be able to equate any drop in standard of living you have to make to a new baby - will this mean they resent it?
I don't buy into the "if you want a baby you will make it work" school of thought. I wouldn't want to have a baby and struggle.
But that's me. It is, of course, your decision.

Sorry to have this dilemma - it's tough. Of course finances are a good enough reason if you choose that option. You don't need to explain or justify yourself to anyone else but you. I'm absolutely pro-choice so but also aware you may feel very torn about it At end of day this is less about the finances and more that your husband doesn't want a child - that's far more of an insurmountable problem than budgeting. At that salary level you must have very high outgoings (or debt repayments) to only have less than £200 per month left. If you both wanted another child, spending cuts and prioritising could be done to still allow your children's activities for example. Is his issue about not wanting to give up a comfortable more luxury lifestyle?. Just remember too it's not about the finances right now but for years to come, and beyond when your other children leave home given the age gap. Your finances could improve or get worse - nothing stays the same.

Only you can decide how you feel about terminating the pregnancy and whether you will resent it later. On the other hand having a child with a man who doesn't want it is bound to end up with you either in a very unhappy marriage or as a single parent. Take your time to think it through and be honest how you feel.

If he dosent want kids he needs to have a vasectomy

I've pestered him to have a vasectomy for ages, he's finally making a private appointment!!!!

Yes, I've calculated it all myself. He works in London so there's a large travel cost. Then our 2 cars.

It's the nursery fees and extras that would cripple us.

Currently we would have approx 2k spare for all extras - so basically my earnings. If I was on SMP it would mean being short each month.

It's so hard, i looked at abortion process for the first time today. Just made me start crying.

But having a new born and not having his emotional support - he's said he wouldn't leave - would be so tough.

And it'd be my fault the family suffered because it would have been my decision to keep the baby.

I'd always told him if I got pregnant I wouldn't have a termination. He just thought it wouldn't happen. This situation didn't even happen due to full sex either, so I'm still in the disbelieving stage that I am even pregnant!

Up to today I was adamant I was keeping it. But how can I ignore the black and white of the finances?

Thanks for the responses, it helps to talk about it xx

Any reason is a good reason, as long as it’s YOUR CHOICE and you aren’t being forced into it.

Those numbers look dodgy, imo.

I'd be doing some digging, regardless of decision.

@zurala

98k but couldn't afford a third child? That's not right unless you live in a mansion. I wouldn't base your decision on his figures, I think he's massaged them to say what he wants them to.

They could well be right. Most people live to their means and would struggle to accommodate having to pay for pre-school childcare or losing one salary. Not even factoring in that the existing DC are about to hit teenage years and likely get more expensive.

I think you could make it work. I really admire you for asking yourself this question though, I grew up quite poor, candles for lighting and not enough food for everyone and I have a very complicated relationship with money and food as a result. It's a valid question however in this case based on your income I think it could work, there are luxuries and there are essentials, it would be hard for a while as you all adjust but then it would become the new normal. Only you know if you feel like it could work with the new child and whether your husband's resentment would make life too difficult for you if you stayed together.

Well - I think finances is a valid reason to have a termination.
Money might become even more important if or when your marriage breaks down.
Your Dh sounds horrid.
I would personally have a termination, nevertheless.

I think he's using the finances as an excuse.

I also don't believe his figures. It suits him to make you believe them, however.

I'm sorry you are in this predicament.

I find it hard to see how 100k isn't enough, but everyone is different.

I also don't see your DH as a bad person just someone who doesn't want kids! Why shouldn't he be able to I voice his opinion on the matter it would be his kid just as much the OPs, why should only a female be able to say I want an abortion!

Anyway OP reasons for wanting an abortion are perfectly valid, good luck in what you decide

I think it depends how you feel about abortions in general. I'm 100% pro choice but wouldn't have one myself unless their was life limiting factors involved.

If finances weren't an issue you would keep the baby? What if you became a single parent and claimed benefits while the baby was young? Have you got savings to set yourself up with?

I woudn't if the only reason is finances. Doesn't sound like a desperate situation on £100k a year between you.

It's the nursery fees and extras that would cripple us but this is for a very limited time and then decreases once free hours kick in. It sounds as if he is putting the worst case scenario to pressure you rather than looking at the finances objectively.

You're not poor...If he really wanted the baby, he'd easily make it work financially.

I'd think about how having another maybe would impact the children you already have, emotionally and with regard to schools and activities etc.

But it has to be your decision either way.