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Original poster

Having an abortion due to finances?

118 replies

ConfusedNeedAdvice · 09/07/2021 11:41

Hi all,

Really struggling and desperately need some advice.

Background:
Me - 36, 2 kids 10 and 12 with exh married to current Dh a year, together for 5 years. Earn 28k FT work

Him - 36, never married before and no interest in having children together. Earns 70k FT work, gaureenteed 10k payrise next year

Tuesday I found out I'm 5 weeks pregnant. Complete surprise.

Dh has been horrendous since, saying it'll ruin our lives etc wants me to abort.

I would day dream off and on about another child but never thought it would be an option. Also my pregnancies are horrendous, SPD from 8 weeks, even now i suffer with left over issues. Basically house bound by 28 weeks!

I was pretty sure I'd keep it, even looking at how I'd survive as a single parent.

But today, after a rare calm conversation with DH, he showed me we would only have 178-200 after all bills. That's for any and all extras.

So current kids would have no swimming lessons, birthday parties, we'd have no takeaway or holidays. God forbid we had a sudden unexpected bill to pay!!

So now i feel perhaps I'm being unreasonable to expect the whole family to suffer financially due to this?

Is having an abortion because of finances a good enough reason??

(I know we are very lucky, 100k income, 4 bed house etc. My ex and i went into massive debt having the other 2 kids and it was extremely stressful. But ironically, despite high earnings this time we really wouldn't be much better off if i am not working or have to pay extortionate nursery fees!)

OP posts:
doesparentingsuck · 09/07/2021 18:35

*Oh my god.

Oh. My. God.

It's 2021. At what point did you miss that it's the woman's body and woman's right to choose. The man has absolutely no say whatsoever in what she does.*

I said he should have an OPINION not a right.

And read the last sentence - the woman would obviously get the last say as it's HER BODY but no you skipped all of that didn't you.

You sound pathetic, and surely if you had any love for your partner would you not want to hear their opinion on whether you should keep something that will have a huge impact on your relationship?

It would be bizarre not to.

You sound like one of those people that wouldn't involve their partner in decisions because they bring in all the money.

Selfish.

doesparentingsuck · 09/07/2021 18:37

@NowEvenBetter I don't feel it necessary to start my own thread. You obviously must have a fractured relationship to not think it reasonable to involve your partner in a decision to have a child.

Very, very weird.

YarnOver · 09/07/2021 18:41

@doesparentingsuck

*Oh my god.

Oh. My. God.

It's 2021. At what point did you miss that it's the woman's body and woman's right to choose. The man has absolutely no say whatsoever in what she does.*

I said he should have an OPINION not a right.

And read the last sentence - the woman would obviously get the last say as it's HER BODY but no you skipped all of that didn't you.

You sound pathetic, and surely if you had any love for your partner would you not want to hear their opinion on whether you should keep something that will have a huge impact on your relationship?

It would be bizarre not to.

You sound like one of those people that wouldn't involve their partner in decisions because they bring in all the money.

Selfish.

"You sound like one of those people that wouldn't involve their partner in decisions because they bring in all the money."

You what?!

Anyway, you're wrong. But this thread isn't about you it's about OP.

category12 · 09/07/2021 18:42

If he doesn't want kids, how is he as step-dad to the ones you already have?

28K is a decent salary. If you want the baby, I'd split up with him and go it alone.

Awarsewolf · 09/07/2021 18:42

I just wanted to comment because this is slightly similar to me in that I am currently pregnant and in that weird phase of pregnancy where you think of all the negatives associated with it. I’m fairly confident that if this is a twin pregnancy I will abort for financial reasons. The stress of thinking about the prospect of twins when I only want a singleton pregnancy has come from a place of seemingly all my peer group having twins or knowing someone with twins rather than any particular reason I have to think I am pregnant with twins if that makes sense. Yes the early years are over but it would financially cripple my family, make our quality of life appalling, would be working to keep debt to a minimum, no savings, no fun.. and for my already here DC I just think what a terrible life I would be providing for them. My DH is not fully au fait with my thoughts because this is an outside chance but as I said, I have ruminated on this in the dead of night… and the reason I’m commenting is because our joint income is in the 90k region, to go into the 100k next year but our mortgage is high, nursery/nanny fees are extortionate and we have no local help at all, and as you say would mean no treats and one unexpected bill would wipe any and all savings out. Long comment to say I get your DPs position, and agree with him tbh.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 09/07/2021 18:44

He has said he doesn't want kids, your others are almost teens. He will probably leave and you'll spend years in poverty.
Why would anyone want this. Isn't two children enough for anyone?
I was rock bottom poor for years bringing up my son and it wasn't a joke, it was traumatic and awful.

category12 · 09/07/2021 18:44

28K isn't rockbottom poor though Hmm

YarnOver · 09/07/2021 18:46

@Awarsewolf

I just wanted to comment because this is slightly similar to me in that I am currently pregnant and in that weird phase of pregnancy where you think of all the negatives associated with it. I’m fairly confident that if this is a twin pregnancy I will abort for financial reasons. The stress of thinking about the prospect of twins when I only want a singleton pregnancy has come from a place of seemingly all my peer group having twins or knowing someone with twins rather than any particular reason I have to think I am pregnant with twins if that makes sense. Yes the early years are over but it would financially cripple my family, make our quality of life appalling, would be working to keep debt to a minimum, no savings, no fun.. and for my already here DC I just think what a terrible life I would be providing for them. My DH is not fully au fait with my thoughts because this is an outside chance but as I said, I have ruminated on this in the dead of night… and the reason I’m commenting is because our joint income is in the 90k region, to go into the 100k next year but our mortgage is high, nursery/nanny fees are extortionate and we have no local help at all, and as you say would mean no treats and one unexpected bill would wipe any and all savings out. Long comment to say I get your DPs position, and agree with him tbh.
How can you say that?!

Maybe this is me being emotional as I had twins but one was stillborn.... But we didn't expect to be having twins..and then found out we were... I cannot for one second imagine how you could say well, I want this baby if it's one, but if it's two I wouldn't want either. That's just horrible I'm sorry!

Dontdripme · 09/07/2021 18:47

Only you can decide ,not Dh not anyone else.Flowers Any reason is good enough.

Whatinthelord · 09/07/2021 18:52

It’s totally valid to have an abortion for financial reasons if you are happy with that.

However it sounds like there’s a lot of pressure here from your OH and realistically, although you would have to tighten up, you would be able to manage financially if you had the baby.

I think the thing I would struggle with most is your OH being so against having a child, to the extent he would expect you to have an abortion against your own gut feelings and yet he took absolutely not steps (such as vasectomy) to prevent pregnancy from happening. I would be dining in your shoes.

I feel for you op. Not sure what the answer is but I hope you come to a conclusion you are content with in the end.

cashoncollection · 09/07/2021 18:53

OP please get some counselling and centre this decision entirely around your own wants and needs.

Fair enough if your DP doesn’t want you to continue with the pregnancy but trying to pin the decision on a temporary financial stretch is not on, in my opinion. Its a consideration but if it was a wanted pregnancy you’d manage long term. He’s just trying to put pressure on indirectly.

Dinosaurballoon · 09/07/2021 18:57

Sorry your in This position. I second the idea of professional counselling before making any decisions.

66babe · 09/07/2021 19:05

Financial stability is absolutely one of the legal aspects to having an abortion ... however

There are a lot of single parents relying on benefits who very happily manage their finances to suit their needs

You do not seem to be financially destitute , it may be your expectation of your desired lifestyle that is the issue here as of course another child will affect the total pot

Please don't use this as an excuse
You don't need to justify a termination of that is what you want

But you also don't have to terminate a wanted pregnancy just because a man thinks you should

Do what's right for you and your existing children

Polomintee · 09/07/2021 19:08

OP think through carefully before making a decision, make sure its right for you, as you will be living with that decision forever after. I had an abortion several years ago after accidentally falling pregnant with a new partner. He was vile towards me and heavily encouraged me to abort. It was a very hard process mentally and emotionally, most of the time I'm OK with it but it took me a long time to 'get over'. There are times I feel awful still.

There are also women who cope much better after an abortion, just make sure it's the right decision for you Flowers

watingroom2 · 09/07/2021 19:14

you said next year he is getting a 10K increase - if you want a baby you can make it work

Awarsewolf · 09/07/2021 19:15

@YarnOver That’s fine for you to think, but this is my position. I don’t want to have three children total, of which two come at the same time. I want 2DC and financial security. But of those two things, financial security for my current living family comes first.

Soppyseptember · 09/07/2021 19:16

98k. Bloody hell, we live in different worlds, OP. Just cut back on holidays or whatever, if you want another. Tbh, I found my first fat more expensive than a subsequent child. I'd learned which corners to cut and wasn't overly precious about items being new. However, it seems your DJ doesn't want another child

ivfgottwins · 09/07/2021 19:23

He's clearly Lying about finances.

Your older children don't need childcare so it would only be one set of nursery fees

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 09/07/2021 19:30

@cheeseismydownfall

The impact a baby would have on my existing DC would be my number 1 consideration, my number two consideration and my third consideration. Seriously.

It sounds like another baby now would both impact them financially, and from the perspective of yet more upheaval to their young lives as a result of the probable breakdown of your second marriage.

That would be my thinking too. The existing children should be the priority.
EachandEveryone · 09/07/2021 19:48

Is he planning on sticking around anyway? That would be my first thought as to why he is so against it.

Maggiesfarm · 09/07/2021 20:03

You haven't come back, confused.

I just re-read your opening post and see you have been married a year and with husband five years. I mention that because in my last post I indicated I did not know how long, sorry.

How well does he get on with your children, was he good with them when they were smaller.I think you probably could manage another baby if it doesn't mean wrecking your health but the stumbling block is your husband who is so adamant he wants no child of his own.

me4real · 09/07/2021 20:04

But today, after a rare calm conversation with DH, he showed me we would only have 178-200 after all bills.

@ConfusedNeedAdvice The average salary is 27,000 a year or something and most people manage. Even if you don't work, he'll be bringing in 75,000 a year. Shock And he's claiming you'll only have under 200 left a month, when he's earning virtually three times what most people earn.

I imagine a lot of families run two cars, too.

It's nonsense @ConfusedNeedAdvice , or there will definitely be ways you can dramatically reduce outgoings if you want to.

If you go it alone you'll still have a salary that's more than the average person/about the same, annd more than most single mums.

me4real · 09/07/2021 20:07

70,000 I mean. Still not to be sniffed at at all.

gillysSong · 09/07/2021 20:07

Only you can decide how you feel. If you want the baby you'll manage, we all do. Happened to us, our lifestyle just changed, But if finance is important to you it's a harder decision.

Wheretobuy · 09/07/2021 20:12

@Saidtoomuch

The decision is yours, but remember that your household income is about 3x the average. I think whichever option you decide, your DH isn't a keeper.
This is an incredibly rude comment. Why isn’t he a keeper? Because he has been clear that he does not wants children? Or because he is sensible enough to sit down and do the finances to show how it will affect the family’s current situation?

What a rude thing to say!!