Having an abortion due to finances?

[ConfusedNeedAdvice]

Hi all,

Really struggling and desperately need some advice.

Background:
Me - 36, 2 kids 10 and 12 with exh married to current Dh a year, together for 5 years. Earn 28k FT work

Him - 36, never married before and no interest in having children together. Earns 70k FT work, gaureenteed 10k payrise next year

Tuesday I found out I'm 5 weeks pregnant. Complete surprise.

Dh has been horrendous since, saying it'll ruin our lives etc wants me to abort.

I would day dream off and on about another child but never thought it would be an option. Also my pregnancies are horrendous, SPD from 8 weeks, even now i suffer with left over issues. Basically house bound by 28 weeks!

I was pretty sure I'd keep it, even looking at how I'd survive as a single parent.

But today, after a rare calm conversation with DH, he showed me we would only have 178-200 after all bills. That's for any and all extras.

So current kids would have no swimming lessons, birthday parties, we'd have no takeaway or holidays. God forbid we had a sudden unexpected bill to pay!!

So now i feel perhaps I'm being unreasonable to expect the whole family to suffer financially due to this?

Is having an abortion because of finances a good enough reason??

(I know we are very lucky, 100k income, 4 bed house etc. My ex and i went into massive debt having the other 2 kids and it was extremely stressful. But ironically, despite high earnings this time we really wouldn't be much better off if i am not working or have to pay extortionate nursery fees!)

I would have a baby.

@Wheretobuy exactly. It's quite clear this thread has a lot of toxic man haters on it.

Anyway OP you've had some great suggestions on the thread and wish you all the best with your decision

I think it’s unfair that all the pressure is on the OP here. She says:

“And it'd be my fault the family suffered because it would have been my decision to keep the baby.”

It would be more DH ‘fault’ (I don’t think anyone’s at fault here) as he knew OP didn’t want an abortion should she fall pregnant, he knew he didn’t want children and she reminded him several times over the years about getting a vasectomy and he did nothing about it. On those salaries it would be a bit tight for 2-3 years, but no-one would be suffering, and the OPs husband is being unfair to be ‘horrendous’ with her about this.

I don't think it's going to be helpful to you whatever you decide to frame this around finances. You'll end up resentful of his promotions and thinking 'what if'.
If you have that much spare now, with some belt tightening you could easily save a good cushion to get you through maternity pay.
But it is perfectly reasonable to consider the impact on the children you have and the pressure it will put on your body and health.
I'm not saying one reason trump's another, just that thinking about it as money being the deciding factor will harm your mental health.
You probably need to talk this through with someone experienced in this area who can help you to work out how you really feel x

@doesparentingsuck

I find it hard to see how 100k isn't enough, but everyone is different.

I also don't see your DH as a bad person just someone who doesn't want kids! Why shouldn't he be able to I voice his opinion on the matter it would be his kid just as much the OPs, why should only a female be able to say I want an abortion!

Anyway OP reasons for wanting an abortion are perfectly valid, good luck in what you decide

But it's isn't 100k. He earns 70k. She would lose her salary either due to leaving work or paying extremely high nursery costs. Childcare and housing in London and South East are extremely expensive so just mortgage /rent plus nursery could easily come up to 3000£ a month. His salary is around £4000 a month. So that's around 1000 left to pay for two cars, bills, clothes for 5 people, extra activities for older kids, school trips, food etc etc. I'm not sure if they have any debts or loans but if they do then that needs to be budget too.

Money is relative depending on where you live and what you eat (quality, healthy food costs more) and what lifestyle you have.

@diamondpony80

Sorry but finances are not a valid reason when you’re earning £100k a year. Sounds like you want to keep the baby but he’s just making excuses to put you off. I wouldn’t have a termination based solely on what he’s telling you.

And also I forgot to add travel costs. To get from my town to London (30 min on a train) costs around £100 a week for example.

doesparentingsuck

I really do believe that the male gets his say when he decides to have sex and takes his chances with whatever contraception is used (he can always have a vasectomy if he doesn't want to lose control).

There is no way to give somone some say over what you do with your own body. You wouldn't rape someone and say 'I only had to force her a little bit', would you. It's about your body being entirely your own. Abortion is an invasive procedure that can be harmful to women, especially if it's not their choice. There is no more excuse for applying pressure to abort than there is to have intercourse in the first place. That's not to say you can't voice an opinion but ultimately, if you make that opinion in a way that implies you'll punish the person in some way if they don't obey, it's coercive.

It's like holding shares. It can't be 50/50 choice (as you suggest) AND be ultimately the woman's choice. The closest approximation to that is two shareholders with 49/51% of the shares - the person with 51% gets to choose because this is a medical procedure for women, not a belated form of birth control for men.

Hang on, so you're very early on and you have £2k spare pcm? You still have several months to save up a decent chunk of money that could help with SMP/childcare costs at least for a period of time?

I think these threads are always very difficult because no one else is exactly in your shoes right now. But FWIW at the moment you sound like you'd regret the decision to terminate, OP. I'd give it a bit more time to think about things carefully again, speak to the clinics and counsellors before you decide.

If he doesn’t want the baby and therefore will give no emotional support because “ it’s your choice to keep it” that would not be ideal for bringing up a child, . I’d say damaging to relationship and child.

Personally I would have a termination

I would want the full support of my partner and although you'll be deviated at first following the termination, your life would mostly return to normal.

The same can't be said about keeping the pregnancy.

It's completely personal choice and it's also okay to want to keep your same standard of living finances wise.

Hi all,

Just wanted to come back and update.

Thankyou to everyone for your advice.

So after another conversation, DH saw how upset abortion made me. Since then he has massively come around. He has apologised for his behaviour and it 100% came from being fear based.

Money will be tight during maternity and the early years (no debts luckily, just the joys of living in the SE!) but is doable and after relooking at how we'd manage childcare, it would leave us with a lot more spare cash.

He's even starting to get excited by it. He's still got some way to go in the sensitivity training (comments about weight gain etc!) but that's just him and not meant in malice.

He is good overall with my other two but i appreciate older children are VERY different to newborns and toddlers! So can understand his aversion to having a baby!

Thanks again 💕

Without reading the thread (because i want to give my honest opinion without being influenced) no, it is not a good enough reason as you COULD afford it, just would need to give up a few things, and so i think you'd probably really struggle emotionally with this if you go through with it. I am not sure you'd forgive yourself if you do want the baby, and then your marriage would probably suffer too. People have kids with far smaller incomes. You could easily make this work.

Okay, now I've read the thread... I'm SO happy for you OP! Considering I don't even know you, I actually got a bit emotional reading your update! Congratulations

That’s great.

I’d be furious, furious if my husband, knowing I would never have a TOP, failed to take the option of sterilization and then expected me to do what I had said I would not.

I think he’s incredibly lucky you can forgive that initial behaviour, because it truly stinks.

He's still got some way to go in the sensitivity training (comments about weight gain etc!) but that's just him and not meant in malice.

I read all this thread in a oner and he sounds no better after your update tbh. I’d be very careful.

I'm glad for you. He doesn't sound very nice though sorry. Weight gain????

Joint income of £100k per year and he says he can’t afford a third DC?? What do you spend the money on?

Sorry I don't see this lasting unfortunately. He doesn't want kids and he's been pretty clear about it. I also don't understand why you would torpedo your current life and set yourself up for future struggles for a baby when you have two existing kids. Do people deliberately anonymously egg people on to make stupid choices so they can feel better about themselves on here?