Having an abortion due to finances?

[ConfusedNeedAdvice]

Hi all,

Really struggling and desperately need some advice.

Background:
Me - 36, 2 kids 10 and 12 with exh married to current Dh a year, together for 5 years. Earn 28k FT work

Him - 36, never married before and no interest in having children together. Earns 70k FT work, gaureenteed 10k payrise next year

Tuesday I found out I'm 5 weeks pregnant. Complete surprise.

Dh has been horrendous since, saying it'll ruin our lives etc wants me to abort.

I would day dream off and on about another child but never thought it would be an option. Also my pregnancies are horrendous, SPD from 8 weeks, even now i suffer with left over issues. Basically house bound by 28 weeks!

I was pretty sure I'd keep it, even looking at how I'd survive as a single parent.

But today, after a rare calm conversation with DH, he showed me we would only have 178-200 after all bills. That's for any and all extras.

So current kids would have no swimming lessons, birthday parties, we'd have no takeaway or holidays. God forbid we had a sudden unexpected bill to pay!!

So now i feel perhaps I'm being unreasonable to expect the whole family to suffer financially due to this?

Is having an abortion because of finances a good enough reason??

(I know we are very lucky, 100k income, 4 bed house etc. My ex and i went into massive debt having the other 2 kids and it was extremely stressful. But ironically, despite high earnings this time we really wouldn't be much better off if i am not working or have to pay extortionate nursery fees!)

Sorry but finances are not a valid reason when you’re earning £100k a year. Sounds like you want to keep the baby but he’s just making excuses to put you off. I wouldn’t have a termination based solely on what he’s telling you.

Honestly, whatever you decide I think you should end your marriage to this man. He’s bullying you into an abortion and threatening to leave you, which shows just how little he really loves you. If you want to keep the baby, do so and put him on child support. It will cover your nursery fees. He’ll have to pay you at least £600pcm in maintenance. More likely your divorce would afford you the house until your baby turns 18 or a share of it and on your own you would qualify for family tax credits (now rolled into universal credit I believe). If you want the baby, then keep it.

Unless you're lucky enough to get very effective treatment, you're going to be relying on this person as a carer for a sizeable chunk of the pregnancy and possibly indefinitely afterwards. If he's being horrible now, how would he be then. You would feel so vulnerable. If you feel you need to go ahead then absolutely do that. But I feel it's a uniquely difficult situation when you're looking at an extremely painful and debilitating disability with someone who may be abusive to you as the default carer.

ANY reason is a good enough reason to have an abortion as long as it’s your choice.

DH isn’t unreasonable for not wanting his own kid but he can’t make the final decision over what you do with your body. I also struggle to see how 98k isn’t enough unless you have an enormous mortgage

why should only a female be able to say I want an abortion!

Because it's her body. The option that you're suggesting puts women under pressure to make medical decisions about their bodies to please someone else.

Sorry but 178-200 left over after all bills, just what the heck are you spending it in, on your income?

Ok he works in !I don and you have two cars, but even so, there absolutely must be stuff you can cut back on whilst on mat leave. Yes your salary might be taken up with childcare for the first few years until the 15/30/hours comes in but it then gets better

How do you think people on your salary along, with kids make it work, because they do

If you want the child, then work the finances out properly, it’s doable. If you don’t then that’s fine, but don’t blame finances

What a heartbreaking situation to be in. I hope you are able to reach a decision and be at peace with it.

Neither of you want a baby or a third child there are concerns about the impact on your lifestyle and particularly the impact on your existing children
He should’ve been less cavalier around the risk and had his vasectomy earlier if he was so adamant very harsh lesson learned there
Personally with your children at the ages they are, the risk of health issues in your pregnancy and the strain it would put on your relationship and the household I would abort

Not wanting an abortion is enough of a reason not to have one. You can always make things work if you want to. Look at who you can turn to for emotional support. I’d consider a few counselling sessions to help you get your head around this and what the right thing to do for you is.

I think the money thing is disingenuous from- it’s temporary. But it’s a good enough reason for sure if it’s what you want.... just make sure you’re the one who wants the termination and it isn’t him driving this.

@Iwonder08

I can see why he is raising financial concerns. It is really not that much money in London for 5 people. Given he is the one providing a lion share of your family income I would try to consider what would happen to you all of he looses he income for some time. It must be bloody terrifying to think about adding another dependant. Espe he really doesn't want a child. Of course it is your body, your choice, but I wouldn't have a child in your shoes

Great points here. His income isn't guaranteed forever, then what?

@toocold54

I earn less than you and I’m a single parent and manage. No one can say they earn 70k a year and not be able to afford a child. He just doesn’t want a child and is using the money as an excuse.

But not everyone wants to live at the bottom of the barrel, scraping along.

@Paddling654 you really think a man should have no say and not give an opinion at all?

This is why so many men abandon their duties if they can't even give an honest opinion about whether or not they want to be involved in the abortion decision making.

It should be 50/50 input just as making of the baby is 50/50

Ultimately female has the final say but to suggest a man shouldn't even voice his choice is ridiculous.

If you sit down and really go through finances you could make it work.

But not everyone wants to live at the bottom of the barrel, scraping along.

If you think living on 70k is the bottom of the barrel you need a serious reality check!

It’s about living within your means. I don’t know anyone on 70k in or out of London and they get by fine. If they are just getting by on 100k a year when most people get under 30k then they obviously aren’t managing their finances well.

I hardly think scraping along on £100k a year is living at the bottom of the barrel. Some people on here need a reality check.

You've time to save now. Make changes. Can you change cars ? You'd probably have to with 3 anyway. Why is your DP so anti kids, do you think he might change his mind?

@Sillawithans

If you sit down and really go through finances you could make it work.

Of course they can, but I don't think it's even about that

OP those numbers aren't right and your partner is using them as an excuse.

My second pregnancy was a twin pregnancy. I was seriously unwell and one of them was stillborn. So I now have two children. However at the time I fell pregnant, and we were expecting to have three children, my DH moved job in order to bring in more money. We had about that much (slightly, but ever so slightly more - BUT we also privately educate). So all that taken into account - I believe the numbers are being used to make you do something that HE wants.

But this is YOUR body. You are carrying this baby, and if you want it, then it is your right to choose what you do. He cannot bully you financially into aborting a child if that is not what you want to do.

I'm not going to tell you what is actually right or wrong or what you should do as it's your choice - but he doesn't have the right to do what he is doing to you currently.

With 98k you can afford 3 children if that is what you wish to do, that is HUGELY over the average income for this country and huge numbers of families have three or more children with a lot less income. If you truly believe you can't afford 3 kids on 98k you really have to have a serious look at that as you really can. (I also live in the south so I'm aware of costs).

It's YOUR body. Just remember that

I don't want to sound unsympathetic, but I don't understand why your dh has to "show you the figures". Why can't you work it out for yourself?

You're not unreasonable. People prevent pregnancy because of their financial situation so it makes sense that that would be a reason not to continue a pregnancy. You've just got to weigh everything up and do what's best overall for you and your family.

doesparenting why not start your own thread?
The males opinion and choice begins and ends when he chooses to put his bare penis near, or in a woman’s vagina. He has no say in what a woman does with her body. HTH.

[quote doesparentingsuck]@Paddling654 you really think a man should have no say and not give an opinion at all?

This is why so many men abandon their duties if they can't even give an honest opinion about whether or not they want to be involved in the abortion decision making.

It should be 50/50 input just as making of the baby is 50/50

Ultimately female has the final say but to suggest a man shouldn't even voice his choice is ridiculous. [/quote]
Oh my god.

Oh. My. God.

It's 2021. At what point did you miss that it's the woman's body and woman's right to choose. The man has absolutely no say whatsoever in what she does.

The impact a baby would have on my existing DC would be my number 1 consideration, my number two consideration and my third consideration. Seriously.

It sounds like another baby now would both impact them financially, and from the perspective of yet more upheaval to their young lives as a result of the probable breakdown of your second marriage.

I am sorry you find yourself in this situation, OP. There are so many layers to your dilemma.

If you can, see if you can talk to an independent counsellor, so you have an opportunity to talk your dilemma through with someone neutral, and look at all the different sides of the argument in this. Perhaps you can ask your GP, or go through EPU. When I had to face a decision on continuing my pregnancy (disastrous 20 week scan - decision on whether to TFMR), I asked to talk to someone to help me navigate the decision. It was very helpful.

There are also some brilliant charities that run helplines. I have (good) experience with Tommy's and ARC (Antenatal Results and Choices). I would give ARC a ring, if I were you. (www.arc-uk.org/) I popped them an email and had someone call me back within the same day. Even if your case would not be within their specific area, they probably could tell you who you should call instead.

Having gone through an abortion, I can tell you, that even when doing so relatively convinced of the decision, it is not to be underestimated. Even 6 months later, I am still struggling on a daily basis with the emotional and mental repercussions of taking such a life-changing, heavy-weighing, irreversible decision.