Having an abortion due to finances?

[ConfusedNeedAdvice]

Hi all,

Really struggling and desperately need some advice.

Background:
Me - 36, 2 kids 10 and 12 with exh married to current Dh a year, together for 5 years. Earn 28k FT work

Him - 36, never married before and no interest in having children together. Earns 70k FT work, gaureenteed 10k payrise next year

Tuesday I found out I'm 5 weeks pregnant. Complete surprise.

Dh has been horrendous since, saying it'll ruin our lives etc wants me to abort.

I would day dream off and on about another child but never thought it would be an option. Also my pregnancies are horrendous, SPD from 8 weeks, even now i suffer with left over issues. Basically house bound by 28 weeks!

I was pretty sure I'd keep it, even looking at how I'd survive as a single parent.

But today, after a rare calm conversation with DH, he showed me we would only have 178-200 after all bills. That's for any and all extras.

So current kids would have no swimming lessons, birthday parties, we'd have no takeaway or holidays. God forbid we had a sudden unexpected bill to pay!!

So now i feel perhaps I'm being unreasonable to expect the whole family to suffer financially due to this?

Is having an abortion because of finances a good enough reason??

(I know we are very lucky, 100k income, 4 bed house etc. My ex and i went into massive debt having the other 2 kids and it was extremely stressful. But ironically, despite high earnings this time we really wouldn't be much better off if i am not working or have to pay extortionate nursery fees!)

Does your children's father pay maintenance for his kids?

*another baby

Why would you want a child actively unwanted and resented by its other parent? It’s just not a great position for anyone in the scenario to be in.

I don’t think he’s a monster for expressing his opinion that he doesn’t want a child and sees abortion as the best option. It isn’t monstrous when a woman doesn’t want / thinks about aborting her pregnancy, so it shouldn’t be so for a man to.

Honestly, what with the finances, your health, the likelihood of you being bed bound for most of the pregnancy, the impact on your other DC, and the new baby being unwanted and resented, I really can’t see a good reason to continue with it, unless you are planning to leave your husband and go it alone.

You’ve got two issues here.

He doesn’t want the baby. He’s said he won’t leave, but that’s not necessarily a good thing - he still doesn’t want the baby. What type of environment will that create for your existing children; and the new one when it’s old enough? What is your plan here? What would the situation be if he doesn’t come round, and this leads to an awful marriage?

And then your finances. If you’re really stretched on £98k, could you give things up? Would you? Would you go back to work earlier? What happens if you split - how will that work; financially?

It’s absolutely your choice and a hell of a decision to make, but it sounds like you’ll be making it for yourself, so I’d start there.

to you.

So is finances your husband's only concern or is he using it as a reason to convince you to have a termination?

It seems like he really doesn't want a child but he's scaremongering you into not wanting this baby out of money fears that with a bit of jiggling and short term cut backs could be made viable.

Nursey fees are paid out for a short time - circa 2 years until the funded hours come im. If you need to make sacrifices it will only be very short term.

Of course it's a "good enough " reason.

You don't even need a reason.

It is really immoral to produce a human being who will have a reluctant, begrudging father.

Not to mention the long term effects on your existing children. So unfair to them to create a toxic situation.

@ComtesseDeSpair

Why would you want a child actively unwanted and resented by its other parent? It’s just not a great position for anyone in the scenario to be in.

I don’t think he’s a monster for expressing his opinion that he doesn’t want a child and sees abortion as the best option. It isn’t monstrous when a woman doesn’t want / thinks about aborting her pregnancy, so it shouldn’t be so for a man to.

Honestly, what with the finances, your health, the likelihood of you being bed bound for most of the pregnancy, the impact on your other DC, and the new baby being unwanted and resented, I really can’t see a good reason to continue with it, unless you are planning to leave your husband and go it alone.

Very well stated.

There is no shame in opting to abort. Our bodies do it all the time when conditions aren't right & there's no reason our minds can't reach the same conclusion.

Sorry that you are in this position OP. It would be great to feel you and your husband were on the same side. But...you are not. He doesn't want a child, and you don't want an abortion (which is not quite the same thing as wanting a child). He's been looking forward to a bit more headroom and ease, financially (incidentally, teenage children can hoover up that extra £10k a year, no problem!); maybe more, rather than less, independence from younger children, and a new baby, 10 years after the youngest, drives a coach and horses through that. It's a shock, apart from anything else.

He might come round when the baby is here. Might fall in love with it and it might be bliss. I"ve known a couple of families take that bet. Didn't work out, and they split.

I guess it depends on how much you value the family and home you have already created. Your existing children might lose their home and stable set-up again.

Personally, I probably would stick with what I have, given this is not a pregnancy I was actively seeking. But I"m not a big gambler. If you do decide that you will have an abortion to maintain the status quo, you might also need to think through how you manage the fall-out in your relationship with your husband. If you think he is selfish and unsupportive, and he says, "yes, I am thinking of my own preferences and comfort, and I don't want to support another child, and I never made a secret of that, or misled you in any way' - what then?

"Honestly, what with the finances, your health, the likelihood of you being bed bound for most of the pregnancy, the impact on your other DC, and the new baby being unwanted and resented, I really can’t see a good reason to continue with it, unless you are planning to leave your husband and go it alone."

Very sensible opinion.

You’re not going to be on SMP forever, do you have savings?
However as your DH has made his feelings clear on children if you did continue with the pregnancy I think you’d need to be prepared for the fact it might be as a single parent

Shocked that you cannot afford another child with 100k coming in. Basically this is not really about the finances though for him is it?

You must make your own decision but don't hide behind concern about finances. You are a great deal better off than most parents.

I'm in a similar situation now, only already split with the father. Same age as you, already have older kids and it's taken me weeks to get to the decision to terminate.

I don't want an abortion but I don't want a baby either, I know it would make the lives of my existing children worse and whilst I'd manage I don't want to just manage - I want to have the treats and be able to live life without worrying about how I'm paying the bills.

It's a rough one as I never planned to be in this situation either but there's sometimes no right decision, only the least worst decision.

I think many people on here are advising from the perspective of what they would do in your circumstances, which is fair enough, but may not be applicable to you.

I am pro-choice, I've had a termination so am not coming from an anti-abortion perspective.

I think, as most have already said, it is a personal decision that only you can make. However, if you have previously said you would never have an abortion, I would be very wary of having one for financial reasons ONLY (not that there is anything wrong with having one for financial reasons). The reason I say that is there is lots of research to show that woman who have an abortion but didn't really want one (so financial pressure, pressure from partner etc) are more likely to have regret and possibly suffer emotionally afterwards. The issues usually occur when the woman has not made a considered choice.

Because of that, I would recommend speaking to a non-directive counsellor who would help you explore your feelings and your options. If you then decide that, overall, an abortion is the best course of action, you will be in a much stronger position. Equally, if you decide to continue with the pregnancy you will have considered all possibilities, including the possibility that you will be doing it alone.

Best of luck with whatever you decide. It's a difficult position to be in.

You don't need to justify terminating a pregnancy. Far too many people have additional babies without considering the finances or effect on their existing children.

Your husband needs to get a vasectomy if he never wants kids.

I'd terminate in your shoes.

@Anonadviceinapickle

I'm in a similar situation now, only already split with the father. Same age as you, already have older kids and it's taken me weeks to get to the decision to terminate.

I don't want an abortion but I don't want a baby either, I know it would make the lives of my existing children worse and whilst I'd manage I don't want to just manage - I want to have the treats and be able to live life without worrying about how I'm paying the bills.

It's a rough one as I never planned to be in this situation either but there's sometimes no right decision, only the least worst decision.

I don't want an abortion but I don't want a baby either

I think that's the key thing when making the choice, knowing that you don't want a baby.

to you.

Why would you base a permanently life changing decision (having or not having a child) around a temporary financial situation?

In your situation you can afford to have this baby if you want it and of course financially things will be tighter for a while as a result - just like they would if you splashed out on a new car or dream holiday.

Low maternity pay is for a few months and high childcare costs are for a few years. Children are for ever . Your decision should be based entirely around whether or not you want that future life.

I'm so sorry, confused. What a dilemma for you.

We all know that contraception can fail, whatever you decide I think your husband should be sensitive towards you about this.

I've known a few people who didn't want chlldren who came round and adored their child once born; I've also known instances where they have wanted a baby but the man has panicked when the pregnancy was confirmed - but it didn't last.

I get that the added expense of nursery fees, etc, would significantly reduce your income but have you considered employing a daily nanny? That can often work out cheaper and involves less running around. Presumably you would have maternity leave and be paid your salary for a while.

I'm more concerned at the prospect of you once again having a horrendous time; you do have to consider this if it is likely to be the same again. It may not of course, this is something to be discussed with medics.

How is your relationship generally and is he good with your children? You don't say how long you have been with your husband. I wonder if you would resent him afterwards if you had an abortion.

It's early days so you have a little time. Try to talk about this with a professional person to work out what you need to do, and to re-assess your finances, which may not be as dire as you imagine. I daresay husband is painting the worst possible scenario and he is obviously worried but it's amazing how people do manage on far less.

Good luck whatever you decide.

Of course you could afford to keep the baby. Your dh doesn't and I think would make a terrible father.
What's he like with the older 2?

I don't think he'd be very supportive and should you split you'd be in a terrible position as he definitely wouldnt step up.
I think you have to plan to be without him and make your decision if you want to be on your own with 3 children.
It's hard but doable but suspect you couldn't work full time. I can't but that's my situation you might find yourself in a different one that means you can.

I'd terminate in your shoes OP as another poster suggested. Reluctant fathers are in the monitory that become doting dads.

Usually once reluctant always a reluctant usually, especially with men, and it's not like you don't already have kids.

You need to decide between single parent hood or abortion I think those are the most likely outcomes here.

I earn less than you and I’m a single parent and manage. No one can say they earn 70k a year and not be able to afford a child. He just doesn’t want a child and is using the money as an excuse.

The important thing is working out what is the best choice, including it being a choice you can live with. You don't need a good enough reason to have an abortion, if on balance you decides that's best for you and a decision you can live with then your reason is good enough. It could be you don't way to go through another horrendous pregnancy or you don't want to be a potentially single mum of 3 or mum of 3 with a disinterested won't do his share partner or you don't want to compromise financially.... Any of those are good enough reasons as long as the decision is right for you. And by you can live with it, I'm not attaching any negative morality to either choice, just there because you seemed like abortion is not your first choice, hence needing to make a decision you can live with. Don't let him pressure you into an abortion if that's not a choice you can feel ok with.

I can see why he is raising financial concerns. It is really not that much money in London for 5 people. Given he is the one providing a lion share of your family income I would try to consider what would happen to you all of he looses he income for some time. It must be bloody terrifying to think about adding another dependant. Espe he really doesn't want a child.
Of course it is your body, your choice, but I wouldn't have a child in your shoes