I want to end friendship but she’s insane?

[Happydays346]

NC for this as old name is related to me in r/l.

I met this girl through work around a year ago and although we only worked together for 3 months before I left she asked to stay in touch- all fine. We then did a few things together such as go for cocktails and days out, and this was the first time I’d spent any time with her outside the odd conversation at work.

Well, she has this one weird thing that none of my friends ever have- she only ever speaks about herself. If we meet up, she will never once ask me how I am or anything about my life and if I try bringing anything up she will interrupt and change the conversation back to her. I thought this was a one off, but we’ve spent numerous times together now and every time it’s the same.

She knows nothing about my life at all, but daily messages about her own problems and I listen and give advice. I recently went through a miscarriage and was feeling awful, I told her and she never asked how I was but kept sending me screen shots of her arguments with her boyfriend.

It’s a real one side friendship and I don’t really want to be part of it. I hate myself for being so passive and not ending it earlier but she doesn’t have any other friends (she’s told me this) and I feel bad. She often refers to me as her best friend which always surprises me as she knows nothing about me and we’ve not spent time together in months.

The reason I’m hesitant is my friend and her mum have done insane things in the past. She was telling me how her and her mum made this girls life a misery when they fell out (even keying her car!) and her mum making fake instagrams of this girl etc! She also keeps booking us things way in advance (without asking me) and then telling me I owe her money.

Her mum also comments on my Instagram posts saying what a good best friend I am, it’s all so bizarre. We are in our 30’s so it’s not like we are teens. I guess I’m hesitant to tell her I don’t want to see her anymore as I know I’ll be on the receiving end of possibly a lot of confrontation and I’m a very quiet day to day person

Any advice would be appreciated :)

Just be less available.. Maybe set a time you message her once a day. Tell her your phone was on charge /silent /left in the car..

Oh Lord that’s a tough one!! I usually just let friendships die a natural death by reducing contact, think that’s all you can do. Definitely not a sudden end!

Does she know where you live? If no, then just don't be available or answer her texts. Let it totally fade out without actually confronting her. If necessary, you can block her and make your accounts private.

I would very gently try to disengage....be busy, you'll get back to her, etc. Horrid when you feel you are being held in Friendship Hostage.

Yeah phase her out.

Agree with others, phase her out over time - be slower to reply to messages (turn off 'last seen' on WhatsApp), do the occasional thing together but be less available, slowly.

Ooof, you've got yourself a Fatal Attraction friend there OP.

You don't want to live in fear of online harassment or your car being keyed (!?) so don't "fall out". You're going to have to just make yourself unavailable. "Ah I'm sorry I can't do x date for the thing you randomly booked, maybe take your mum instead?"

The reason that she doesn't have any other friends is because she is self centered and selfish and no one else wants to be friends with her, so I wouldn't feel sorry for her - she's brought this upon herself and it's not your job to fix it.

If she goes as far as keying your car you can call the police on her.

I would cut all ties and move on

Not fatal attraction, Single White Female

I feel for you. I have had a similar situation. It's easy to say you should disengage (and I think you know that's what you have to do) but it's difficult to actually do it.

I think part of the problem with people like this is that there is a lot of drama in their lives and the drama draws you in until you feel like your only option is a confrontation or blocking them. You will come out of that really badly and she will possibly create a huge and nasty drama out of it. You don't have to do that though. You can do it really gradually and without saying anything directly.

Make sure your phone is set to no notification when she messages you so that you are not tempted to react straightaway. Only look at her messages at the end of the day or when you feel strong enough to react calmly. Then, don't react immediately even if she is asking a direct question. Leave it to the next day and always be non committal or say you will get back to her. You really don't have to give a reason for not replying immediately, or for not being available to do things with her. If she pushes you, think of a range of excuses like you are working then, or doing something for a member of the family etc. Be vague and neutral instead of friendly, but never rude or annoyed because she will enjoy triggering negative as well as positive reactions.

You might not feel it but you are actually in charge of how much contact you have with her, you just have to do it in a calm and calculated way over a period of time. Good luck!

Lock your Instagram, block them and say your account has been closed.

Give it a few weeks between any big changes in interaction.

However, be prepared to report them to the police for harassment if they start pulling stunts.

I’ve been in a similar situation (not as extreme though) and you just have to gradually disengage. You stop being as available, you don’t pander to the drama, stop asking about her. Have a new hobby or activity that means you aren’t available (even if it’s a lie). With the money issue can you say you’re saving for something?

You will feel guilty - because you are a nice person - but you aren’t doing anything wrong. People like her won’t change. That’s why they don’t have other friends.

Briset's suggestion sounds good. Maybe (with a bit of luck) if you are not feeding her the attention she obviously needs/wants she may start to look around for another 'friend'. Whilst not good for them, if she found one, it would take the focus off you. Does she know where you live? If you have a car does it live on the street?

They sound bizarre. Be much, much less available. Why are you offering her all this advice and why can her mother view your Instagram? Lock it down. Block if necessary and prepare to file for harassment if they go off.

God I really feel for you. It's hard to end a friendship even when they aren't insane! Remember that some people take a few days to respond to texts and that's just the way they are, so when you're phasing her out by taking your time replying to her, that's actually within the realms of normal communication!

Take up a new hobby, even if it's fake, that will take up a lot of your time and money. Just make sure its something she won't want to do herself!

Totally agree with being less available and backing away. Hopefully the end of lockdown rules will help you. Lots of "sorry I haven't seen xxxx for ages due to Covid so catching up with them this weekend" (be it true or not!)

Stop engaging so much with her. When she starts about her problems, send a sad face emoji and say sorry you’re going through that. Chat later as I’m popping out/busy/have a migraine.

I would take your social media down for a while and then block her. Get CCTV on your premises so if she damages your property you can go to the police. Block her too. She sounds awful.

Perhaps initially tell her money is tight or you need instant availability for family issues so no more booking advance with 'you owe me...'?

Then a slow disengagement and being less available, less of a sounding post when available.....

Good luck.

What do you think would happen if you responded occasionally to her messages but didn’t comment on what she’d said, just kept talking about yourself? Would she get bored and step away herself if you weren’t helping her so much and solving her problems? And if you couldn’t go on her things she’s booked?

Tough one. You need to stop replying to her messages too often. Leave it a day or 2 and then be vague. Give yes/no replies. Don't give any advice anymore - just reply with vague phrases - 'whatever you think/I don't know what I'd do/it's up to you' and so on. Then leave longer delays before replying. If she tells you she's booked something tell her straight away that you won't be going - no reason, just you aren't going. Block her mother on all your social media. If she's on the phone wittering in about her dramas, cut her short and say you have to go there's someone at the door.

Hopefully she'll just fade out in the coming weeks but you need to be firm in disengaging from her. As for feeling guilty - fuck that, she's not feeling one bit guilty about the way she treats you. It's no wonder she has no friends.

Calling you her best friend and telling you that she has no other friends is a way of gaining your trust and manipulate you into being tied to her.

I had one of these, and they turned out to be a sociopathic narcissist who would trample over others to get what they want.

You need to withdraw from her. Spend time with other friends, do not spend time alone with her. Be firm with your boundaries because she sounds like someone who won't take no for an answer.

Oh god she's Glenn Close.

Sack her off she's a pain body

I would try to just become really boring and make her want to ditch you XD don't let her get a word in, talk over her, don't reply to messages. Talk about really boring things, be super loud and annoying 😂 she will be running