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Original poster

I want to end friendship but she’s insane?

106 replies

Happydays346 · 09/07/2021 09:47

NC for this as old name is related to me in r/l.

I met this girl through work around a year ago and although we only worked together for 3 months before I left she asked to stay in touch- all fine. We then did a few things together such as go for cocktails and days out, and this was the first time I’d spent any time with her outside the odd conversation at work.

Well, she has this one weird thing that none of my friends ever have- she only ever speaks about herself. If we meet up, she will never once ask me how I am or anything about my life and if I try bringing anything up she will interrupt and change the conversation back to her. I thought this was a one off, but we’ve spent numerous times together now and every time it’s the same.

She knows nothing about my life at all, but daily messages about her own problems and I listen and give advice. I recently went through a miscarriage and was feeling awful, I told her and she never asked how I was but kept sending me screen shots of her arguments with her boyfriend.

It’s a real one side friendship and I don’t really want to be part of it. I hate myself for being so passive and not ending it earlier but she doesn’t have any other friends (she’s told me this) and I feel bad. She often refers to me as her best friend which always surprises me as she knows nothing about me and we’ve not spent time together in months.

The reason I’m hesitant is my friend and her mum have done insane things in the past. She was telling me how her and her mum made this girls life a misery when they fell out (even keying her car!) and her mum making fake instagrams of this girl etc! She also keeps booking us things way in advance (without asking me) and then telling me I owe her money.

Her mum also comments on my Instagram posts saying what a good best friend I am, it’s all so bizarre. We are in our 30’s so it’s not like we are teens. I guess I’m hesitant to tell her I don’t want to see her anymore as I know I’ll be on the receiving end of possibly a lot of confrontation and I’m a very quiet day to day person

Any advice would be appreciated :)

OP posts:
Umberellatheweatha · 09/07/2021 10:52

Uh oh, spunds like she's a narcissist (narcissistic personality disorder). And a particularly overt, nasty one at that.

Those comments about what her and her mum did to the ex friend-were threats! They were intended to make you feel worry about what would happen if you stopped being her friend. And the booking things in advance are to obligate you into doing them. That's what narcissists work with, threats and obligations. Guilt trips and shaming too.

You have two choices, phase her out or tell her straight. Honestly I find with narcissists as bad as her, when you are their main victim...they will cotton on when you try to phase them out. So either way you'll get a barrage of abuse. Might be best to just tell her straight and have it over with.

Do it by text then let her send her nasty reply back so she thinks she has had the last word. Then block her.

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/07/2021 10:52

I don’t have experience of this so I may be wrong. Could you use your miscarriage as a way to withdraw? Take a break on posting good stuff on social media. Each time she engages with you, say things like ‘Idk what to say. I’m so sad at the moment.’ If she books somewhere ‘I can’t go. I’m too sad.’ Grey rock.

If you make yourself unavailable emotionally, hopefully she will detach and find another victim.

sadie9 · 09/07/2021 10:53

If you don't give her what she needs she'll hopefully find it elsewhere. She lovebombs you by telling you nice things but its one sided.
As others say get a new hobby or 'doing a course online' but never say to her that other people are involved as she'll see that as 'taking you away' from her as she'll get jealous of people but studying or extra work projects would be neutral.
She thinks she owns you like a possession. Also don't disapprove of anything just keep neutral but withdraw. You need to get away from her as its starting to impinge on you.

toocold54 · 09/07/2021 10:57

I know a couple people who constantly talk about themselves and it’s draining but her and her mum sound really difficult!

I’d do as PPs have suggested and just be less available. Take longer to read and reply to her messages and gradually increase the time. If she says anything just say you’ve been busy and you’re trying not to spend ages on your phone.

Cowbells · 09/07/2021 11:07

The only way to get rid of her is for her to chuck you as a friend. The way to do this is mirror her behaviour. When you meet up start speaking fast and loud and very emotionally about all sorts of problems. Don't let her get a word in edgeways. Ring her at odd times of day and ask for lots of support, either emotional or practical. Do it often. She'll ditch you within a fortnight.

Dinosaurballoon · 09/07/2021 11:09

What cowbells said

TheRebelle · 09/07/2021 11:14

Block her on all social media and take ages to reply to texts and maybe get a camera on your car!

Justilou1 · 09/07/2021 11:14

You need to be VERY busy with your relationship and family and work. Don’t pay her for anything she books without asking. Send her a text to say that you are broke and won’t be going out again until you have paid your debts. You are going to be working a lot of overtime in the foreseeable future and you don’t want her booking anything until you feel you are ready and have time to commit to being the friend she needs.

Wineat5isfine · 09/07/2021 11:22

Look up “grey rock method”…

Agree with blocking on SM as well. You don’t have to explain - and if asks, say someone reported your account.

FlaminEckVera · 09/07/2021 11:39

@Happydays346 Yep, phase her out and gradually ghost her. You owe her nothing. She sounds like a nightmare!

I know two women like this right now, who live 2 to 5 minutes walk from me (neighbours obvs,) and every time they stop to chat, they NEVER listen to what I am saying, they just waffle on about themselves, and all their problems, and life issues, blah blah bloody blah. Hmm

I bet if someone asked them about me, what I like, what my hobbies are, what I do for a living, how many children I have etc; neither of these women would be able to answer. Because they have never asked me anything about myself, OR listened when I have told them anything. Their eyes are wandering, they don't look me in the eyes when I speak, and they are going 'mmm, mmm, anyway back to MEEEEEEEEE!'

Me and DH have given up even trying to talk to them now; we just nod and say 'hmmmm' every minute or so. They are as boring as fuck though, and intensely annoying. We do anything we can to avoid them if we see them coming.

If I had a 'friend' like this, I would be ghosting her pronto!

Peacelillyhippy · 09/07/2021 11:52

How attached are you to your phone? I'd "lose" it and withdraw from all social media for at least two months. Tell her that you are going old-school with a simple call/text phone. That will substantially lessen the drama and she'll get bored having to conduct a non-electronically based friendship. (I have a feeling narcissists need instant gratification for affirmation.)

Easy for me to say though as I dream of having a situation that forces me to give up my mobile addiction.

FlyingBattie · 09/07/2021 11:57

Phase her out is good advice.
Tell her you're taking a break from social media and then block her and her mother.

Smokeymirror · 09/07/2021 11:57

Tell her you have depression and unable to engage with anyone atm. You are off the hook and don’t look nasty and hopefully she will feel bad doing a hate campaign against you if you fade away.

FlaminEckVera · 09/07/2021 12:02

@Peacelillyhippy

How attached are you to your phone? I'd "lose" it and withdraw from all social media for at least two months. Tell her that you are going old-school with a simple call/text phone. That will substantially lessen the drama and she'll get bored having to conduct a non-electronically based friendship. (I have a feeling narcissists need instant gratification for affirmation.)

Easy for me to say though as I dream of having a situation that forces me to give up my mobile addiction.

Good idea.

Block her on your phone @Happydays346 and tell her you have lost your phone. As peacelillyhippy said, it will lessen the contact hugely.

MuckyPlucky · 09/07/2021 12:12

I disagree with what some PP’s have said about phasing her out. She is a nasty bully, and by making excuses not to see her & going to the hassle of the slow-fade you’re still giving in to her controlling behaviour and cowering.

I prefer to stand up to bullies and call them out on it. You don’t even have to give a reason, just say the friendship does not work for you and you won’t be continuing with it, then block and grey-rock. If she does do something vile like key your car (and I highly doubt she did this to a previous friend as it was likely just an empty threat to keep you where she wants you) then you go to the police and/or seek an injunction.

You owe her nothing, and don’t need to gently let her down. Bin her & move on.

Original poster
Happydays346 · 09/07/2021 12:13

Thank you all for your great advice. It’s a bit tricky as she’s booked us two events for august and keeps messaging asking me to “send her my half” I never agreed to go anywhere

And when I say that she says “you probably can’t remember but you did and now I’m short” 😫🙄😭

Honestly just want her gone.

OP posts:
CeaselessWatcher · 09/07/2021 12:17

I bet if someone asked them about me, what I like, what my hobbies are, what I do for a living, how many children I have etc; neither of these women would be able to answer

Reminds me of Motherland. "What's my baby's name Amanda? What's my baby's name?!"

BlackCatsRule88 · 09/07/2021 12:19

The advice mentioned by a PP on becoming really boring is another good method that I used, but you have to balance it with not letting her then take that as an opportunity to talk about herself more

ClairKingston · 09/07/2021 12:21

I was thinking of advising to speak to her and explain you are not happy with her never wanting to hear about you, only ever talking about herself and see how she reacts to that. On reflection it would probably not help as it would seem like criticism of her and if she is capable of undesirable actions then perhaps best not to go down that line.

I had someon in my life I thought was a real friend. She turned out to be very indiscreet and broke my trust in her. After seeing a disturbing side to her let her know I was not going to continue the friendship and she ordered, yes ordered! me to talk to her. Pathetic and awful but she got the message eventually and I was free of her. We lived quite a distance from each other so I had no worries about actual physical problems.

Anyone who only ever wants to talk about themselves is in my view, not a friend at all.

Ninkanink · 09/07/2021 12:21

@Happydays346

Thank you all for your great advice. It’s a bit tricky as she’s booked us two events for august and keeps messaging asking me to “send her my half” I never agreed to go anywhere

And when I say that she says “you probably can’t remember but you did and now I’m short” 😫🙄😭

Honestly just want her gone.

Say ‘I remember perfectly well and you never even asked me. I won’t be going to any events.’

No excuses, no pleading, no apologies. Just no.

YarnOver · 09/07/2021 12:21

@Happydays346

Thank you all for your great advice. It’s a bit tricky as she’s booked us two events for august and keeps messaging asking me to “send her my half” I never agreed to go anywhere

And when I say that she says “you probably can’t remember but you did and now I’m short” 😫🙄😭

Honestly just want her gone.

Block her. On everything. Refuse all contact. It's the only way !
Takeneback · 09/07/2021 12:23

The only way I have ended friendships like this is to have my own (fake) issue that trumps all of their issues. Like something out of my control which derails me from the friendship (an illness or something) and then in my communication very clearly saying I’d love to see you or talk to you but I’m just too ill / depressed / grieving etc

I know it’s best to tell the truth, but for narcissists, their facade is built around being perfect and brilliant and they don’t want to look bad so this is a bit of a brain hack in that they will feel annoyed with you but not want to look bad for attacking an obvious “victim” and she will find a new target

grapewine · 09/07/2021 12:26

*Say ‘I remember perfectly well and you never even asked me. I won’t be going to any events.’"

This and then block everywhere. What a loon.

Sakurami · 09/07/2021 12:28

Just block her op. Tell her that you absolutely know that you didn't agree and you're fed up of going to and paying for events you haven't agreed to go on.

There is no way of being diplomatic with someone as toxic as she is and she's not going to let up. You won't be allowed to slowly get out of the relationship because she will continually book you for stuff like that. Don't pay and don't go and don't talk to her anymore.

TheTallOakTrees · 09/07/2021 12:28

You are being controlled and manipulated you need to look for assertiveness techniques. Tell her not to book anything without asking you first. Be straight and honest, you don't want to go to x or y.
Be busy, don't be available as someone she can rant to, you need a friend and she is not a friend

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