I want to end friendship but she’s insane?

[Happydays346]

NC for this as old name is related to me in r/l.

I met this girl through work around a year ago and although we only worked together for 3 months before I left she asked to stay in touch- all fine. We then did a few things together such as go for cocktails and days out, and this was the first time I’d spent any time with her outside the odd conversation at work.

Well, she has this one weird thing that none of my friends ever have- she only ever speaks about herself. If we meet up, she will never once ask me how I am or anything about my life and if I try bringing anything up she will interrupt and change the conversation back to her. I thought this was a one off, but we’ve spent numerous times together now and every time it’s the same.

She knows nothing about my life at all, but daily messages about her own problems and I listen and give advice. I recently went through a miscarriage and was feeling awful, I told her and she never asked how I was but kept sending me screen shots of her arguments with her boyfriend.

It’s a real one side friendship and I don’t really want to be part of it. I hate myself for being so passive and not ending it earlier but she doesn’t have any other friends (she’s told me this) and I feel bad. She often refers to me as her best friend which always surprises me as she knows nothing about me and we’ve not spent time together in months.

The reason I’m hesitant is my friend and her mum have done insane things in the past. She was telling me how her and her mum made this girls life a misery when they fell out (even keying her car!) and her mum making fake instagrams of this girl etc! She also keeps booking us things way in advance (without asking me) and then telling me I owe her money.

Her mum also comments on my Instagram posts saying what a good best friend I am, it’s all so bizarre. We are in our 30’s so it’s not like we are teens. I guess I’m hesitant to tell her I don’t want to see her anymore as I know I’ll be on the receiving end of possibly a lot of confrontation and I’m a very quiet day to day person

Any advice would be appreciated :)

@Happydays346

Thank you all for your great advice. It’s a bit tricky as she’s booked us two events for august and keeps messaging asking me to “send her my half” I never agreed to go anywhere

And when I say that she says “you probably can’t remember but you did and now I’m short” 😫🙄😭

Honestly just want her gone.

Say once - No you are mistaken I never agree to that because I had already committed to x on that date - you will have to take another friend (your Mum).

Phase her out. Have a 6 week plan:

Week one: Don’t open messages for 24hrs - don’t respond for another 24hrs hrs. Ignore any Qs or fishing for input - just grey rock, bland statements on repeat.

Week two: As above but don’t open messages for 48 hours.

Etc etc

Get away safely and resolutely from this person - never engage, respond or be trapped by FOG (fear, obligation, gulilt)

She is unhinged. She is 30 odd years old.

This will be nothing new to her ... you will be friend No 28 in a lifetime series who have given her the swerve.

She knows and you know.

Good luck. Keep strong. Work on your boundaries and consider when during this RS that you were first unsettled and know that was the point YOU should have taken action and not carried in people pleasing and being kind.

Message her back, "Sorry but I have plans for that date; if you had asked me I would have said as much so maybe it was someone else you're thinking of. Hope you have a fab time, catch up later." Then be busy. Very busy.

Thank you all for your great advice. It’s a bit tricky as she’s booked us two events for august and keeps messaging asking me to “send her my half” I never agreed to go anywhere

And when I say that she says “you probably can’t remember but you did and now I’m short” 😫🙄😭

Honestly just want her gone.

I’d use this as an excuse to break off the friendship if you definitely didn’t say you’d go?
Id ring the place and ask if you can get a refund and then tell her that they said she could be refunded.
And then just ignore her texts and calls from then on.

Just reply "No I never agreed, you'll need to get a refund from the place. I'm busy on that date if you'd asked me first I would of told you I had plans." Then slowly reply less. If she messages you with things just reply quick one word answers or sentences or just read and ignore. Phase her out, if she kicks off just block her.

Maybe it's time to "get a job abroad" and "leave the country"....wink wink. Then block all socials.

Omg I couldn't cope with this. Find your anger at being treated this way.

Does she know where you live? If not I’d consider telling her I have moved (to other end of country) and just stop all social media for about 4 months, or have it set so she can’t see notifications. And just don’t respond to her, beyond telling her you have moved and won’t be able to see her in the future

God she sounds a total psychopath!! What a nightmare. I'd be inclined to make up some family event/ emergency that means it's impossible for you to attend the August event! I'd then tell her i don't have any money for any future events. Make sure you text that so you have evidence. Then phase her out. If anything happened like fake instagrams and cars being damaged id report her immediately to the police. You need to get put of this friendship pronto!!

This sounds very toxic. I would try to fade out, but wonder if simply delayed communication, unavailability, etc. will do the trick with this one and her mother. She seems to live in her own reality, and not to suffer rejection gladly.

How did her ex-friend try to break up the friendship with her? Could that give you some ideas on what perhaps to avoid in order not to set her and mum off so much that things really escalate to bullying and abuse?

I would also get a ring doorbell, just in case, to keep an eye on things around your personal property.

@BlueyIsMyBae

Maybe it's time to "get a job abroad" and "leave the country"....wink wink. Then block all socials.

Yes exactly. Do a Chandler and move to Yemen .

I'm sorry OP, she sounds unhinged! You need to be firm and distant. Don't get dragged into conversations or arguments, just either block or tell her you are not available and then stop answering.

Oh gosh how difficult.
I agree you need to do this in a non dramatic way. Just be unavailable. Don’t send her money for the events. Just be vague and unavailable. She will try to bring it round to confrontation but just don’t join in.

@Happydays346

Thank you all for your great advice. It’s a bit tricky as she’s booked us two events for august and keeps messaging asking me to “send her my half” I never agreed to go anywhere

And when I say that she says “you probably can’t remember but you did and now I’m short” 😫🙄😭

Honestly just want her gone.

She is absolutely gaslighting you and it will get worse. Do not let her guilt you into attending . She could either go on her own or sell them on as its not your responsibility that she's bought two tickets without asking you!

Have you read "The gift of fear". DH bought me a copy recently a d this is what the author describes as "Forced Teaming" .

You absolutely have to lose her and go no contact before you lose yourself.

@Happydays346

Thank you all for your great advice. It’s a bit tricky as she’s booked us two events for august and keeps messaging asking me to “send her my half” I never agreed to go anywhere

And when I say that she says “you probably can’t remember but you did and now I’m short” 😫🙄😭

Honestly just want her gone.

Keep telling her that you didn't agree to these events and can't go/won't pay and hopefully she'll get so fed up she'll do a flounce and then you can declare the friendship done.

Alternatively, play her at her own game. Every time she sends you a text about herself, ignore it but reply talking about yourself. In person, interrupt her saying 'enough about that, let me tell you about x, y and z'. Keep doing it, over and over. Every single time. Self-absorbed as she is, she'll soon tire of not talking about herself and will find a new friend whose ears she can make bleed.

Time to move to 15 Yemen Road, Yemen

Remind her she agreed to volunteer at your church's summer prayer camp and you want to agree the schedule and give her some reading matter. And that there's a bbq at the vicar's so all the new people can meet each other.

She'll disappear.

Start to gradually distance yourself. I'd be really careful of upsetting her
Be busy if she ask to meet up and keep replies short on messages hopefully she will move on and find another victim to bore. She sounds horrid

@Mumsnut

Remind her she agreed to volunteer at your church's summer prayer camp and you want to agree the schedule and give her some reading matter. And that there's a bbq at the vicar's so all the new people can meet each other.

She'll disappear.

Actually, getting really really into religion might be the way to go. Could you become a Jehovah’s Witness?

You poor thing OP. This so called “friend” sounds an absolute nightmare. I would echo what others are saying and just become much less available, say you’re busy doing x,y,z (lie if needed) and can’t meet up. Hopefully she’ll go away ASAP!

I would wind it down FAST if she mentions what she has done to previous friends again, keep any text messages and respond saying if anyone did that to her you would involve the police immediately. You haven't been befriended, you have been trapped by two psychos

I’d go to the august events, but ensure she wasn’t on any social media and I had ring doorbell or similar set up at my house. Then go non contact after august when you have measures in place.

Distance yourself from her. Don’t post much on social media so her mum has not reason to stalk you on there. Tell her you are juggling a few things at them moment and find it hard to make time to meet her. If she books something and asks for money, tell her you haven’t budgeted money to do that.

@Happydays346

Thank you all for your great advice. It’s a bit tricky as she’s booked us two events for august and keeps messaging asking me to “send her my half” I never agreed to go anywhere

And when I say that she says “you probably can’t remember but you did and now I’m short” 😫🙄😭

Honestly just want her gone.

Reply suggestion:

"Haha I'm beginning to wonder if you know me at all lol! All the rest of my friends always comment on how organised I am and that I never forget anything! I know for a fact if I'd said yes to I wouldn't have forgotten! "

Also, when (if) you reply to her messages don't answer any of her questions or respond to her stories, just reply with something about yourself (made up, if needs be) and ask her what she thinks you should do etc. Turn the tables and hope she loses interest!

@Happydays346

Thank you all for your great advice. It’s a bit tricky as she’s booked us two events for august and keeps messaging asking me to “send her my half” I never agreed to go anywhere

And when I say that she says “you probably can’t remember but you did and now I’m short” 😫🙄😭

Honestly just want her gone.

Tell her you haven't forgotten, you make it an absolute habit to make a note of commitments as soon as you have agreed to them, you did not agree to this and you are not available for either event.

@Honeyroar

What do you think would happen if you responded occasionally to her messages but didn’t comment on what she’d said, just kept talking about yourself? Would she get bored and step away herself if you weren’t helping her so much and solving her problems? And if you couldn’t go on her things she’s booked?

This idea sounds promising, if you can stick to it and only communicate this way - no phone calls or meet-ups.