I want to end friendship but she’s insane?

[Happydays346]

NC for this as old name is related to me in r/l.

I met this girl through work around a year ago and although we only worked together for 3 months before I left she asked to stay in touch- all fine. We then did a few things together such as go for cocktails and days out, and this was the first time I’d spent any time with her outside the odd conversation at work.

Well, she has this one weird thing that none of my friends ever have- she only ever speaks about herself. If we meet up, she will never once ask me how I am or anything about my life and if I try bringing anything up she will interrupt and change the conversation back to her. I thought this was a one off, but we’ve spent numerous times together now and every time it’s the same.

She knows nothing about my life at all, but daily messages about her own problems and I listen and give advice. I recently went through a miscarriage and was feeling awful, I told her and she never asked how I was but kept sending me screen shots of her arguments with her boyfriend.

It’s a real one side friendship and I don’t really want to be part of it. I hate myself for being so passive and not ending it earlier but she doesn’t have any other friends (she’s told me this) and I feel bad. She often refers to me as her best friend which always surprises me as she knows nothing about me and we’ve not spent time together in months.

The reason I’m hesitant is my friend and her mum have done insane things in the past. She was telling me how her and her mum made this girls life a misery when they fell out (even keying her car!) and her mum making fake instagrams of this girl etc! She also keeps booking us things way in advance (without asking me) and then telling me I owe her money.

Her mum also comments on my Instagram posts saying what a good best friend I am, it’s all so bizarre. We are in our 30’s so it’s not like we are teens. I guess I’m hesitant to tell her I don’t want to see her anymore as I know I’ll be on the receiving end of possibly a lot of confrontation and I’m a very quiet day to day person

Any advice would be appreciated :)

Oh god. I had one who wasn't as bad as that in terms of psychoness but was very clingy and would make me feel super guilty for trying to fade out. I'm ashamed to say how many years we were in touch (although it was only once or twice a year by the end, it still felt like a burden and I would get stressed that she was secrely angry etc!). Anyway after she sent me an aggressive message a few months ago I just said I didn't want to be in contact anymore. She actually took it ok cus I'd done, oh, I dunno, ten years of a slow fade....

OP she's a nightmare!

But you know that. This is why she has no other friends. And suddenly you are her best friend.

She sounds like a narcissist. You need to be firm clear and go 'grey rock'. Please google it. NO has to become your favourite sentence with her.

She will suck the life out of you.

@Happydays346

Thank you all for your great advice. It’s a bit tricky as she’s booked us two events for august and keeps messaging asking me to “send her my half” I never agreed to go anywhere

And when I say that she says “you probably can’t remember but you did and now I’m short” 😫🙄😭

Honestly just want her gone.

I would message back - Oh I do remember you told me you had bought a couple of tickets. Not sure why though as I never asked. Not something I'm interested in going to tbh. Plus I have plans, don't you remember?

Wouldn't lie as someone suggested about losing your phone, she could withhold her number or even use someone elses phone to contact you. Same with SM, she could create fake accounts and send you requests.

She could be nuts. It could all just be crap to keep you loyal, it's what manipulators do.

Yeh I personally can't be doing with the 'phase her out' bs. She will cotton on and harass you either way. I'd rather tell her to sod off and have done with it. I dont want to waste a second more of my life and time trying to placate assholes once I see them for what they are.

You can never end things well with them unless they are the ones to end it and even then,guarantee they'll come around for another attempt at any chance they get. Best to tell them you're done with their shite, let them rant a bit and it all wash over you (ideally just dont even open their reply) then block them on everything and hope for the best.

I would just cut her off altogether, it seems that she doesn't know how to conduct proper relationships with friends at all.. She could learn how to do so, if someone gave her some advice on how to change her ways.

I wouldn't play the games that people are suggesting as you are prolonging the pain.

If you really didn't agree to go to this event with her, then tell her again and tell her that you don't want to go. It will be inconvenient for her but you would not have caused it.

It will also piss her off , and she may accuse you of letting her down and being a crap friend but that is a small price to pay for your freedom.

Oh noooo that's horrible.

I had a very similar situation quite a long time ago but in my case she was a bit younger than me. In the end my (real!) best friends said I'd have to be blunt with her after she imposed herself on me spectacularly when I was going through an unexpected health crisis, and they were right - I was so worried about hurting her but she was damaging me.

I messaged her and was very blunt and said I could not keep up a friendship with someone so selfish and please not to contact me again. And it was such a relief. I had a few days of wild messages etc but I blocked her everywhere abs then they stopped.

So sorry for your loss OP. I remember recovering from a miscarriage and a friend ringing me only to whinge about her job (yet again). I get so angry whenever I think about it.
Some people are extremely self centred but your ‘friend’ Sounds unhinged.
Like a PP said, tell her you never agreed those dates as you have prior appointments/plans made, but make sure you correspond by text so you have evidence.
Don’t let her control you and maybe cut to the chase and tell her you’re not available as you’re recovering from your recent trauma.
She’s a narcissist so don’t tiptoe or feel sorry for her.
I also had a friend book hotel for us for 2 nights without checking with me first, it was ‘her treat’. Like you, I felt obligated to go. After I hung up the phone and thought about it and just had a feeling of dread. I can only cope with her in very small doses and 2 days would kill me. I got angry with her railroading me into the trip so I rang her back and just said that it wouldn’t suit and not to book me into anything without checking first.
It can difficult tackling people like this but you need to do it for you, you’re the person that matters in all this and you are not obliged to please others.

@namechanger21oops

Message her back, "Sorry but I have plans for that date; if you had asked me I would have said as much so maybe it was someone else you're thinking of. Hope you have a fab time, catch up later." Then be busy. Very busy.

This ^^ but miss out the catch up later bit.

@Happydays346

Thank you all for your great advice. It’s a bit tricky as she’s booked us two events for august and keeps messaging asking me to “send her my half” I never agreed to go anywhere

And when I say that she says “you probably can’t remember but you did and now I’m short” 😫🙄😭

Honestly just want her gone.

That is something that I would just say "I remember quite clearly and never agreed to attending X or Y with anyone. While I'm sorry you're short, it isn't of my doing so I'll not be paying for X or Y"

Cut that one out right away.

There is no one holding a gun to your head saying that you have to pay her. She can bring her mother if she is short!

It’s a real one side friendship

It's not a friendship at all, it's a woman spamming you incessantly and insensitively!

@Cowbells

The only way to get rid of her is for her to chuck you as a friend. The way to do this is mirror her behaviour. When you meet up start speaking fast and loud and very emotionally about all sorts of problems. Don't let her get a word in edgeways. Ring her at odd times of day and ask for lots of support, either emotional or practical. Do it often. She'll ditch you within a fortnight.

This.

Two suggestions which I wouldn't suggest in normal circumstances, but which seem appropriate here.

Invent a boyfriend/ girlfriend. So many friendships fall apart when one person gets a partner. Of course this invented partner will live a distance away and keep you very busy. You'll need to come off social media or she'll want to see the pix.

This one is actually far more honest. Fall out with her big-time. Forget being nice. If you go out for an evening and she talks all about herself, or next time she books tickets and bills you for half without agreement, blow it up into a huge, friendship-ending row and say you don't want her friendship any more. She's selfish and self-obsessed and you've had enough. Then block her. Don't apologise, don't explain. She may well understand this better than a slow withdrawal. Be really firm and clear and don't worry about not being 'nice'.

Get a video doorbell and be prepared to have to report the situation to the police if she escalates it. I would also tell trusted people in my life what's been going on so that it's widely known. Horrible situation.

Oh cripes it does sound like it will be a challenge to shake her and her mother off
I assume ghosting wouldn’t work
If you did just disappear and didn’t give her that money do you have mutual contacts that she would start slagging you off to will it damage your reputation?

I wouldn’t waste time or energy trying to manage her behaviour while you make an exit.

If this was a boyfriend we were talking about instead of a female friend, it would be seriously worrying and scary. Bordering on coercive control/stalking.

I think you should treat this the same way. You can’t use logic against a narcissist. What you think and feel is irrelevant to them. You’re just a prop in their life. An object.

Tell her once that you’re ending the friendship because you find the booking tickets and demanding money without asking you first really weird. Then go totally grey rock.

Don’t hold back from going to the police if she continues to harass or stalk you. Her behaviour is not normal so you’re not operating within the parameters of ‘normal’.

God she sounds mental. She saw you coming OP! I’d just say ‘you’re mistaken I never said I wanted to go, I’m busy that day’. Then so as others have said, reduce contact, don’t engage, be boring and unavailable until she latches onto some other unsuspecting victim!

Reply to her messages a few days later, keep saying you're busy and must catch up soon...but don't...ever. Just phase her out.

@Happydays346
Oh my god! This sounds exactly like one of my ex friends!
Tried to gradually become less available but she would sit outside my house in her car when I didn't respond.
In the end I moved house (we were looking to move anyway), blocked her phone number, deleted all social media and blocked her. very drastic on my part I know but it got really really weird. Im not saying do that obviously, I'm a coward and HATE conflict. But just know I feel you pain I really do.

You need to grow a spine and say “Actually, I didn’t. I have no interest in X or Y and I simply can’t afford it. Your habit of booking things without asking and then guilt tripping me into paying is causing financial problems and creating resentment. I don’t want to go to these things. Please don’t book things for me again.”

Rather than blocking her, tell her that you've been struggling after your miscarriage, and you're going to take a break from social media for a little while.

Don't post on your Instagram or on FB (unless you customise your audience so that she can't see it) and hide your last seen on WhatsApp. Answer her messages no more than once every couple of days, and each time keep it very brief and say you're sorry, but you're not in a good place.

Do you talk on the phone or just message? If everything is in a message I'd ask her to show you where you agreed to go in August. I wouldn't go. She can take her mad mother.

Cut her off.

Easy for me to say I know. I did similar last year and have been on the receiving end of a torrent of abuse and harassment ever since. The person who did it to me has done it before to others too. I deleted all social media and went to the police when the real life stalking began.

People like your 'friend' are poison. Wishing you the best of luck! It's horrible.

I have this with an unflushable acquaintance..... I ended up ghosting her.

Remove the two of them from your Instagram, and then block them, and now when you block them you should get a thing pop up asking if you also want any new accounts that they might create to be blocked as as well.

Block on all other social media too. Essentially disappear without a trace of the internet and social media.

Then she only has texts/calls by which to contact you, and gradually phase those out like the pp’s have said.

Narcissists get bored when you stop providing supply for them.

@Neighneigh

Agree with others, phase her out over time - be slower to reply to messages (turn off 'last seen' on WhatsApp), do the occasional thing together but be less available, slowly.

Sorry. I didn't know there was an option to turn off the 'read' notice on WhatsApp'! Off to find out how to do that immediately