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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this guy being nice or am I just damaged goods?!

109 replies

GiraffeJellycat · 09/07/2021 06:31

NC'd as outing details.

I left my husband 6 weeks ago due to DV and serious control issues. By the end of the relationship, I wasn't even allowed to do the nursery run alone. DC (19m) and I are back living with my parents whilst I get on my feet.

DM runs a doggy day care business. There is a customer - let's call him Ben - who has been dropping his dog off 3 x per week for a number of years. Over the course of this time, DM and Ben have built up a good relationship. She really likes him. Through her, he knows I've had/am having a rough time.

A few weeks ago, I was on my way out when Ben was dropping off his dog. DM introduced us, we had a brief chat. He later text my DM saying how lovely I seemed and could he have my number?

I then had a message from him asking if I fancied going for a drink to take my mind off things? I am absolutely not ready or even considering dating anyone at the moment but I thought why not, if nothing else it's a confidence boost after what has happened.

We went out, it was really nice, got on well and I made it crystal clear to him that I do not want a serious relationship right now but I was happy to see him again.

Since then:

  • next time he dropped his dog off he came armed with chocolates and flowers for me.
  • I had to travel back to the area I lived with my ex for a few days to sort a few things out. He knew about this and that I was dreading it. I had loosely agreed to see him a couple of days after but I said I would confirm nearer the time. After I came back I came down with flu (proper bed bound flu) and asked to cancel, with 2 days notice. He replied saying he had already bought xyz to cook me dinner but no issue.
At no point did I agree to dinner at his (or anywhere).
  • whilst I was in bed he was texting me pretty much nonstop and asked if I had tried x product from Holland & Barrett. I said I was fine on what I had but if I didn't get better I would go to Holland & Barrett. He dropped his dog off the next day with the HB product.

He is texting me pretty much constantly, and even rang me to say that he can rearrange things to see me in the day if I wanted to bring DC along as well.

Not sure if relevant or not but there is a decent age gap. I'm in my late twenties, he is 13 years older.

Ex was very similar at the start - totally showering me (and my family) with flowers, gifts etc.

My gut is saying to run but I feel conflicted as I know from my DM (and a mutual friend) that he's supposed to be a really nice guy. Would this ring alarm bells for you, or given my history, am I going to feel like this with anyone?

OP posts:
NewbieSM · 09/07/2021 06:36

Yeah this is way too much too soon, you need some time and space to sort out your own life now that have left your prior relationship. He's might be nice but is coming on too strong and by the sounds of it is a little desperate. I would take a step back from him in terms of dates and texts and focus on yourself and your kids

Dudelsack · 09/07/2021 06:36

For me it would ring alarm bells. He's not listening to what you're telling him. He's making plans you haven't agreed to and doesn't seem to be giving you much space. He sounds really full on and intense and I wouldn't be persuing a relationship with him.

chickenyhead · 09/07/2021 06:38

Trust your gut.

Most reasonable men who know a woman has just escaped an abusive relationship would know she needs time to heal before moving in on her.

girlmom21 · 09/07/2021 06:39

He's lovebombing you. Don't fall for it. Allow your time to recover and find yourself again properly first x

Bbtotum · 09/07/2021 06:41

I’d run (ok politely keep declining meetings, delay returning texts to taking days then stopping).

He’s not listened to you at all.

You need time to heal.

Mumdiva99 · 09/07/2021 06:42

Run like the wind..... You are very vulnerable right now. Look after you. Heal from the abusive relationship. If this guy has just wanted to he a friend you could maybe make a new friend - he is way too full on. Tell him you can't pursue this and you need him to stop contacting you. (If you don't want things awkward because you see him drop the dog off...
Lay on the it's not you it's me etc etc.....But be prepared for it to be tough. He is already massively overstepping boundaries....I don't think he'll hear what you say.

Also....flu? Did you have a covid test?

Imcatmum · 09/07/2021 06:42

This guy sounds like he's zoned in on a vulnerable young woman. Red flags all over the place! Why on earth would he think it's ok to bombard you so soon after escaping an abusive relationship. He seems to have bad boundaries and it was rude/passive aggressive to mention he had bought ingredients for a dinner you hadn't agreed to 2 days before the event even!!!! Please focus on yourself, your freedom and your self esteem. Tell this stalker to fuck off.

Lampan · 09/07/2021 06:45

Urgh. RUN. It’s far too much, especially since you didn’t meet him in a ‘dating’ situation (such as Tinder etc) and you have made it clear you’re not looking for a serious relationship.

All the points you mentioned are alone valid red flags to call it off. But I think especially the ones about having bought stuff for dinner, and also the one suggesting bringing your kids along for a meet up. Message him and say you have changed your mind and be clear you don’t want to meet up again. Your mum may think he’s a nice guy but let’s face it she doesn’t really know him properly does she. And your mum thinking he is nice is absolutely not a good enough reason to land yourself with a stalker/controlling weirdo

KateTheEighth · 09/07/2021 06:46

I read that and thought "Fucking hell"

That's far too much, too soon and he has zero respect for your boundaries

He is already not listening to you

Oceanbliss · 09/07/2021 06:46

Trust your gut and give yourself time to heal and rebuild healthy boundaries. It doesn’t really matter if your mum, or other people, think he is a nice guy if he is making you feel uncomfortable in any way. Flowers

Clymene · 09/07/2021 06:46

What everyone else has said. Knock this on the head now. And tell your mum you don't want anything to do with him.

You need to tell him very clearly No. He isn't listening to your polite no thank yous so you will have to get rude.

HollysBush · 09/07/2021 06:46

No, he needs to back off and give you time.

Original poster
GiraffeJellycat · 09/07/2021 06:47

God this is all so reassuring. I genuinely thought it might be me being totally over sensitive.

I am not ready for a relationship at all but I was flattered by the attention after feeling pretty rock bottom. I made it very clear that I don't want a relationship and right now it's just about DC and I, buying our own place, etc.

I was stupid to maybe go out with him. It just felt like a much needed ego boost and I thought, given DM had known him for a long time, he was "safe."

@Mumdiva99 I had a negative Covid test.

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 09/07/2021 06:49

Fuck no, please make it clear you're not interested. He's love bombing and it's creepy and inappropriate.

He's behaving like the kind of man who zeroes in on women when they are at a vulnerable / confused stage eg after a long term break up.

And don't let your DM do the 'oh but he's lovely' thing. It's not lovely to overstep boundaries, be presumptuous and pass agg (I already bought a dinner we didnt agree to) and bombard with messages while someone is sick.

Your gut is bang on here. Well done!

Guavafish · 09/07/2021 06:49

I think you should stop things and make them clear you are not looking for a relationship. Then stop messaging or receiving his calls.

He has the wrong idea and likes you more than you like him. Clearly you are not ready.

Good luck

Clymene · 09/07/2021 06:50

No, you weren't stupid. It is okay to go for a drink. But you going for a drink doesn't give him the right to start acting like your boyfriend.

WaterBottle123 · 09/07/2021 06:54

He's a creepy older man preying on a vulnerable woman. AND he's asked about meeting your children.

Not only would I run, I'd ask DM not to let him on the property any longer.

Glitterb · 09/07/2021 06:54

Trust your gut and end it.

Far too many times I’ve ignored my gut feeling early on and it has always ended up with my getting hurt! You will be fragile at the moment (with good reason!) and this will not be good for you now.

SpaceRaiders · 09/07/2021 06:57

Red flags are waving.

Backhills · 09/07/2021 07:05

I think it's possible he appalled by what you've been for and is trying to compensate on behalf if the entire male half if the species but agree it's far too much.

I think, I'd give him once chance. Tell him it's very nice of him, but it's all too much and see what happens next. He definitely doesn't get to meet your child, although again, it's possible he genuinely thought that might be easier for you. Start taking much longer to reply to his messages.

Backhills · 09/07/2021 07:05

Omg so many typos, sorry.

Kittykat93 · 09/07/2021 07:10

6 weeks? It's far too soon...I wouldn't even be going on any dates at this stage. He also sounds like he's smothering you, at this early stage that's not good at all. Bim him off and try and focus on your child and you rebuilding your life.

Shutupyoutart · 09/07/2021 07:11

He sounds very intense alright no wonder you feel overwhelmed, you've been through a lot and need time to heal. It doesn't matter if he has a reputation for being a good guy he's overstepping your boundaries and when your already vulnerable. Remind him again that you aren't in the headspace for anything and won't be for some time and then take a step away ,maybe let your dm deal with the dog drop offs for a bit and focus on yourself and your dc. If he is a good guy like they say he is he will give you the space you need and will still be there if /when your ready. good luck op and well done on getting out of that awful situation here's to a brand new happy life for you and your dc. Xxx

clpsmum · 09/07/2021 07:13

Too much too soon and most of them are nice guys to the outside world. Trust your gut x

userrnamemn · 09/07/2021 07:16

Perhaps you could say you aren’t in the right head space for a new friendship and are purely focussing on yourself and DC but you appreciate how kind he has been during a difficult time. That way, you’re not suggesting he’s done anything more (I bet he’s the type of guy who would turn nasty fast if he felt embarrassed or rejected).