Is this guy being nice or am I just damaged goods?!

[GiraffeJellycat]

NC'd as outing details.

I left my husband 6 weeks ago due to DV and serious control issues. By the end of the relationship, I wasn't even allowed to do the nursery run alone. DC (19m) and I are back living with my parents whilst I get on my feet.

DM runs a doggy day care business. There is a customer - let's call him Ben - who has been dropping his dog off 3 x per week for a number of years. Over the course of this time, DM and Ben have built up a good relationship. She really likes him. Through her, he knows I've had/am having a rough time.

A few weeks ago, I was on my way out when Ben was dropping off his dog. DM introduced us, we had a brief chat. He later text my DM saying how lovely I seemed and could he have my number?

I then had a message from him asking if I fancied going for a drink to take my mind off things? I am absolutely not ready or even considering dating anyone at the moment but I thought why not, if nothing else it's a confidence boost after what has happened.

We went out, it was really nice, got on well and I made it crystal clear to him that I do not want a serious relationship right now but I was happy to see him again.

Since then:

• next time he dropped his dog off he came armed with chocolates and flowers for me.

• I had to travel back to the area I lived with my ex for a few days to sort a few things out. He knew about this and that I was dreading it. I had loosely agreed to see him a couple of days after but I said I would confirm nearer the time. After I came back I came down with flu (proper bed bound flu) and asked to cancel, with 2 days notice. He replied saying he had already bought xyz to cook me dinner but no issue.

At no point did I agree to dinner at his (or anywhere).

• whilst I was in bed he was texting me pretty much nonstop and asked if I had tried x product from Holland & Barrett. I said I was fine on what I had but if I didn't get better I would go to Holland & Barrett. He dropped his dog off the next day with the HB product.

He is texting me pretty much constantly, and even rang me to say that he can rearrange things to see me in the day if I wanted to bring DC along as well.

Not sure if relevant or not but there is a decent age gap. I'm in my late twenties, he is 13 years older.

Ex was very similar at the start - totally showering me (and my family) with flowers, gifts etc.

My gut is saying to run but I feel conflicted as I know from my DM (and a mutual friend) that he's supposed to be a really nice guy. Would this ring alarm bells for you, or given my history, am I going to feel like this with anyone?

Yes definitely tell your mum to stfu

Sorry but this man barely counts as a “family friend”, he’s a customer she’s known for a couple of years. She really shouldn’t be discussing your abuse/relationship/life with him like this. Your life isn’t a soap opera, she needs to respect you by not doing this ever again.

“Family friends” wouldn’t be trying to date you either

OP, just totally ignore @Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep she’s just trying to stir up drama.

Nothing wrong with going for a drink ffs.

But definitely stop communicating with him and don’t meet him again. You’ve told him it’s not a date and he’s ignored you. Told him you are not ready and he’s ignored you. He’s pushing your boundaries, so be firm and say NO more.

Always listen to your gut.
Please don't take this the wrong way but you say your Mum & mutual friends say he's a lovely guy.
Everyone can be lovely for a few minutes a day and can also pretend to be someone they are not but eventually they show their true colours.
He maybe lovely but if your gut is telling you something, believe it.
He's making plans without consulting you and won't take no for an answer - sounds like he likes to get his own way and this will only get worse.
I am sure you, your Mum & her friends will see another side to him when he is asked to back off. If he is a genuine nice guy he won't mind taking a step back and taking things slowly with you in the future.

Please don't dwell on those posts criticising you for going on a 'date'. You made it very clear in your first post that you didn't see this as a date. It was a chance for a rare evening out with someone who was known to your DM and another friend. and who you had no reason to think it would be anything more than a drink and a chat.

The fact that you asked the question on here shows that you saw the warning signs, which is good.

I agree this is much too full on. Signs of love bombing and controlling. Even if he isn't a 'bad guy' and thinks he's helping you after what you've been through, he is still ignoring what you're saying, and is showing little thought for what you've been through. So at best he's insensitive and doesn't listen.

I think it's fine to be truthful and still polite "This isn't for me. I'm not interested in dating / getting close and want to concentrate on me and my DC / my new home".

Your DM thinks that he's a nice guy because she's not dated him.

Your gut is spot on. Red flags all over the place here.

@IntermittentParps

He replied saying he had already bought xyz to cook me dinner but no issue. There are loads of red flags but this one really stands out for me. What a guilt trip (as well as being presumptuous). YANBU, OP, you are absolutely right to think you need to draw a clear line with this man.

Some posters really need to wind their necks in.
I think you are very young and that´s why you rate going out with a man so highly, go out with friends, find a hobby, join a club… you sound like a little bunny. is SO offensive and patronising.

Please stop looking for a man to make you feel good. You need therapy and healing before you go near a man again And yet the OP IS in therapy.

Don't be so quick to judge and assume things.

Totally agree!

This over the top, look at me, I'm such a nice guy behaviour is a definite red flag.

Look after yourself and your baby and you are not, and never will be, damaged goods.

I had a similar experience with a guy I'd only chatted to online. Always talking about what a wonderful future we'd have, how he wanted 2 children, and he could see us growing old together. I initially thought it was quite sweet.

One evening, I was chilling on my own, watching a film, and my phone was in the kitchen on charge. About 2 hours later, when I picked up my phone, I had 14 missed calls from him and a stream of text messages, demanding to know where I was, what was I doing, he was worried about me and on and on and on. He had googled my name on 192, and was on his way over to see me in case I was in trouble.

This was pre-pandemic times, thankfully, and I literally ran out of the house, jumped in my car and drove to friend's house for the night. He was an absolute creep and had no insight into his behaviour

Your instincts are spot-on. He's not listening to you, is he? It's all about what he wants. Massive red flags! A decent bloke would keep back, listen to you, but he's lovebombing and making you feel guilty.

And you are NOT damaged goods! Your a strong woman who has survived an abusive relationship, left, and are rebuilding your life. I wish you all the best.