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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this guy being nice or am I just damaged goods?!

109 replies

GiraffeJellycat · 09/07/2021 06:31

NC'd as outing details.

I left my husband 6 weeks ago due to DV and serious control issues. By the end of the relationship, I wasn't even allowed to do the nursery run alone. DC (19m) and I are back living with my parents whilst I get on my feet.

DM runs a doggy day care business. There is a customer - let's call him Ben - who has been dropping his dog off 3 x per week for a number of years. Over the course of this time, DM and Ben have built up a good relationship. She really likes him. Through her, he knows I've had/am having a rough time.

A few weeks ago, I was on my way out when Ben was dropping off his dog. DM introduced us, we had a brief chat. He later text my DM saying how lovely I seemed and could he have my number?

I then had a message from him asking if I fancied going for a drink to take my mind off things? I am absolutely not ready or even considering dating anyone at the moment but I thought why not, if nothing else it's a confidence boost after what has happened.

We went out, it was really nice, got on well and I made it crystal clear to him that I do not want a serious relationship right now but I was happy to see him again.

Since then:

  • next time he dropped his dog off he came armed with chocolates and flowers for me.
  • I had to travel back to the area I lived with my ex for a few days to sort a few things out. He knew about this and that I was dreading it. I had loosely agreed to see him a couple of days after but I said I would confirm nearer the time. After I came back I came down with flu (proper bed bound flu) and asked to cancel, with 2 days notice. He replied saying he had already bought xyz to cook me dinner but no issue.
At no point did I agree to dinner at his (or anywhere).
  • whilst I was in bed he was texting me pretty much nonstop and asked if I had tried x product from Holland & Barrett. I said I was fine on what I had but if I didn't get better I would go to Holland & Barrett. He dropped his dog off the next day with the HB product.

He is texting me pretty much constantly, and even rang me to say that he can rearrange things to see me in the day if I wanted to bring DC along as well.

Not sure if relevant or not but there is a decent age gap. I'm in my late twenties, he is 13 years older.

Ex was very similar at the start - totally showering me (and my family) with flowers, gifts etc.

My gut is saying to run but I feel conflicted as I know from my DM (and a mutual friend) that he's supposed to be a really nice guy. Would this ring alarm bells for you, or given my history, am I going to feel like this with anyone?

OP posts:
floatingboater · 09/07/2021 07:17

Your dm doesn't know him, she hasn't been in a relationship with him.

How many people do you hear about with abusive partners, and everyone who knew the partner says "oh but he's SUCH a lovely guy! I can't believe he would be like that!"

He sounds weird and overbearing to me, and in your vulnerable situation I would run a mile.

spotcheck · 09/07/2021 07:18

I agree w pp - about some men being 'a really nice guy' on the outside.

Cottonheadedninymuggins · 09/07/2021 07:22

Trust your gut. I assume he knows bits of your circumstances and to be so pushy whilst knowing you're newly out an abusive relationship and already over stepping boundaries is a big red flag.

Even if you'd not come out of an abusive relationship and had been single 6months or more to be so in your face and not take no for an answer or even to back off a bit is still too much

Saltyslug · 09/07/2021 07:25

Tell him you want to be friends and it’s too early for a relationship. Then if you want to see him plan a fortnightly dog walk

SwanShaped · 09/07/2021 07:29

Plenty of guys seem nice from the outside but are actually abusive or controlling. He is not respecting your boundaries at all. He’s latched onto you and won’t let go. All under the guise of being ‘nice’. He needs to back the fuck off.

Mycatismadeofstringcheese · 09/07/2021 07:29

I think saying a very clear no to him right now will be very informative. He’s ignoring your soft no, so you now know that about him.
How will he react to a hard no. If he respects it, good. Maybe he is genuine and when you are ready and if you are both still available a long while from now you could think about it.

If however (and as I suspect he will), he becomes difficult, angry, guilt trippy, difficult, awkward etc. You will breath a sigh of relief and thank that guy instinct of yours.

Cowbells · 09/07/2021 07:34

Your DM might know him as a nice man, but she's not in a relationship with him. And lots of abusive men are super nice in public.

Trust your gut. I'd end it completely and say that you are now certain you are not in the right head space for a new relationship and that if he respects you, and you will never again date a man who doesn't, he will prove this by not bombarding you with texts or anything else.

chickenyhead · 09/07/2021 07:36

OP, you don't need to tip toe around him, being nice.

A reasonable man does not need to have basic respect explained to him by a vulnerable woman. He knows that you are vulnerable. Pressure to fit in with his plans and be kind about it is all about you being compliant. No.

M0rT · 09/07/2021 07:40

When I was a teenager/early 20s I met more than one boy/man who everyone loved but were way too intense for me.
I was lucky in a way that I overruled my instincts at 15 to keep seeing the boy who brought me roses and waited outside my house for me when I went in for dinner.
Because I got to experience how suffocating that kind of thing is and also realise how the person he was mad about wasn't me. He didn't ever really know me, just his notion of who I was.
It meant as I got older I was much more comfortable discounting other people's opinions on men.
He might just be lonely and a kind person but if it's too much it's too much.
You don't owe anyone your time.

KizzyWayfarer · 09/07/2021 07:40

You weren’t stupid to go for a drink, you’ve been sensible to spot the signs that this man is not going to be good for you.

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep · 09/07/2021 07:43

6 weeks after leaving an abusive relationship you should be nowhere near men unless they are related to you, colleagues or friends of decades long!! (Tongue in cheek but also not) - does your mum know what happened to you? If so, she should have advised you not to date him. If she was encouraging it there is something very wrong.
Run away from this 'nice guy' and don't go anywhere near a date for at least a year.

Original poster
GiraffeJellycat · 09/07/2021 07:43

@Kittykat93

6 weeks? It's far too soon...I wouldn't even be going on any dates at this stage. He also sounds like he's smothering you, at this early stage that's not good at all. Bim him off and try and focus on your child and you rebuilding your life.
I think this is maybe a little harsh? It's not as if I am actively dating... on Tinder etc. I don't think a drink, whilst my child is in bed, for an hour or two, would do any harm?
OP posts:
LivingLaVidaCovid · 09/07/2021 07:44

Listen to your gut and Run for the hills.

He sounds like a total creep who is already trying to make you feel guilty and obligated.
Also tell your mum to pack it in. What was she thinking???

You dont owe it to anyone to"be nice" or "give him a chance".

Original poster
GiraffeJellycat · 09/07/2021 07:46

This is all really helpful, thank you.

I have really backed off and not replied to messages/not encouraged conversation. I might draft a text saying I'm just not ready, too much too soon etc. I obviously don't want to make things awkward.

OP posts:
MargotEmin · 09/07/2021 07:46

This should be setting off more than just alarm bells OP, he is actively targeting a vulnerable woman and already overstepping your boundaries/ personal autonomy by bringing over the HB product, trying to make you feel bad by saying 'I already bought the food', suggesting he meets your kids etc.

Add in the age gap/ power dynamics and this has got abusive relationship written a over it. Would you consider doing the Freedom Programme either online or in person if its available in your area?

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep · 09/07/2021 07:46

I think this is maybe a little harsh? It's not as if I am actively dating... on Tinder etc. I don't think a drink, whilst my child is in bed, for an hour or two, would do any harm?

Well clearly it has done harm because you're under pressure, stressed, feeling unsure and in a bit of a pickle. Of COURSE you shouldn't go on dates. Not even as ego boosters.

Original poster
GiraffeJellycat · 09/07/2021 07:47

@MargotEmin

This should be setting off more than just alarm bells OP, he is actively targeting a vulnerable woman and already overstepping your boundaries/ personal autonomy by bringing over the HB product, trying to make you feel bad by saying 'I already bought the food', suggesting he meets your kids etc.

Add in the age gap/ power dynamics and this has got abusive relationship written a over it. Would you consider doing the Freedom Programme either online or in person if its available in your area?

I have already completed the Freedom Programme - it was how I first recognised the issues with my ex, but I might revisit it. It was a good 18 months since I did it.

Good idea, thank you.

OP posts:
chickenyhead · 09/07/2021 07:47

@Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep

I think this is maybe a little harsh? It's not as if I am actively dating... on Tinder etc. I don't think a drink, whilst my child is in bed, for an hour or two, would do any harm?

Well clearly it has done harm because you're under pressure, stressed, feeling unsure and in a bit of a pickle. Of COURSE you shouldn't go on dates. Not even as ego boosters.

Well maybe it hasn't done harm, because OP came here, sensing something wasn't right.
Original poster
GiraffeJellycat · 09/07/2021 07:48

@Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep

I think this is maybe a little harsh? It's not as if I am actively dating... on Tinder etc. I don't think a drink, whilst my child is in bed, for an hour or two, would do any harm?

Well clearly it has done harm because you're under pressure, stressed, feeling unsure and in a bit of a pickle. Of COURSE you shouldn't go on dates. Not even as ego boosters.

Yes, you're right. But this is due to his behaviour, not mine.

If he had been the reasonable, well mannered man I thought he was? That's really harsh and unfair. Sorry.

OP posts:
MargotEmin · 09/07/2021 07:48

I obviously don't want to make things awkward.

Why? He's happy to make you feel awkward. He would happily awkward you into bed.

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep · 09/07/2021 07:50

I'm sorry but your boundaries are clearly not ok at all if you think it would have been fine to date 6 weeks after leaving an abuser if only the new guy was decent.
Please stop looking for a man to make you feel good. You need therapy and healing before you go near a man again, even the nicest man in the world.

Original poster
GiraffeJellycat · 09/07/2021 07:54

@Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep

I'm sorry but your boundaries are clearly not ok at all if you think it would have been fine to date 6 weeks after leaving an abuser if only the new guy was decent. Please stop looking for a man to make you feel good. You need therapy and healing before you go near a man again, even the nicest man in the world.
I've been in therapy for nearly a year now. Part of the reason I left.

Please don't judge a situation you know very little about.

I don't think I did anything wrong by going for a drink.

OP posts:
romdowa · 09/07/2021 07:55

You know deep down that this guy is over stepping your boundaries. Your gut is screaming at you , who cares about making things awkward , he clearly isn't bothered with the way he is behaving. I'd be making it perfectly clear that I was no longer interested in meeting him and then I wouldn't reply to him again. I'd also tell my dm not to hand out my mobile number again either. This guy can sense how vunerable you are and he is taking advantage of that and the fact he is seen as the "nice guy"

youvegottenminuteslynn · 09/07/2021 07:56

You need to be direct with men like this.

If you say you aren't ready for a relationship he'll say ok we can be friends and see what happens. Then continue how he was.

If you say it's too much too soon he'll say ok we can take things slow. Then continue as he was.

He isn't taking a hint because he either has a thick skin and / or he thinks you'll give in eventually.

So you need to say to him that you aren't interested in him, are focusing on you and your kids only so won't be in touch any more.

Stop letting the fear of being awkward make you continue behaving in a way that is making you anxious.

If you didn't ever have to speak to him again you'd be relieved, right? So make it happen. Tell him you won't be in touch any more and stick to it.

luciles · 09/07/2021 08:00

@Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep

I'm sorry but your boundaries are clearly not ok at all if you think it would have been fine to date 6 weeks after leaving an abuser if only the new guy was decent. Please stop looking for a man to make you feel good. You need therapy and healing before you go near a man again, even the nicest man in the world.
Just because it's something you wouldn't do doesn't make it wrong. Maybe OP just wanted to meet someone for a chat? She shouldn't be blamed for a man overstepping boundaries that she specifically told him not to cross.