Is this guy being nice or am I just damaged goods?!

[GiraffeJellycat]

NC'd as outing details.

I left my husband 6 weeks ago due to DV and serious control issues. By the end of the relationship, I wasn't even allowed to do the nursery run alone. DC (19m) and I are back living with my parents whilst I get on my feet.

DM runs a doggy day care business. There is a customer - let's call him Ben - who has been dropping his dog off 3 x per week for a number of years. Over the course of this time, DM and Ben have built up a good relationship. She really likes him. Through her, he knows I've had/am having a rough time.

A few weeks ago, I was on my way out when Ben was dropping off his dog. DM introduced us, we had a brief chat. He later text my DM saying how lovely I seemed and could he have my number?

I then had a message from him asking if I fancied going for a drink to take my mind off things? I am absolutely not ready or even considering dating anyone at the moment but I thought why not, if nothing else it's a confidence boost after what has happened.

We went out, it was really nice, got on well and I made it crystal clear to him that I do not want a serious relationship right now but I was happy to see him again.

Since then:

• next time he dropped his dog off he came armed with chocolates and flowers for me.

• I had to travel back to the area I lived with my ex for a few days to sort a few things out. He knew about this and that I was dreading it. I had loosely agreed to see him a couple of days after but I said I would confirm nearer the time. After I came back I came down with flu (proper bed bound flu) and asked to cancel, with 2 days notice. He replied saying he had already bought xyz to cook me dinner but no issue.

At no point did I agree to dinner at his (or anywhere).

• whilst I was in bed he was texting me pretty much nonstop and asked if I had tried x product from Holland & Barrett. I said I was fine on what I had but if I didn't get better I would go to Holland & Barrett. He dropped his dog off the next day with the HB product.

He is texting me pretty much constantly, and even rang me to say that he can rearrange things to see me in the day if I wanted to bring DC along as well.

Not sure if relevant or not but there is a decent age gap. I'm in my late twenties, he is 13 years older.

Ex was very similar at the start - totally showering me (and my family) with flowers, gifts etc.

My gut is saying to run but I feel conflicted as I know from my DM (and a mutual friend) that he's supposed to be a really nice guy. Would this ring alarm bells for you, or given my history, am I going to feel like this with anyone?

You left a DV situation 6 weeks ago, I'm willing to bet your head hasn't stopped spinning yet! Even if he wasn't displaying any red flags (which he is - sudden intensity is not a good sign here!) I think it would be too soon to be even in the same ballpark as potentially starting something else.

This might be really off base but perhaps you could consider local women's groups if you liked the social interaction with this guy as that would fill that need without the dating aspect. Oh and your mother needs to back off, she means well but what she has done really isn't helpful to your recovery and she really needs to be told that firmly.

Why on earth was your mum talking to him about your situation? Did she encourage you to go for a drink with him? I'd be wary of this awful sounding man and your mum's opinion too tbh.

He sounds way too full on.

Give yourself time for you to sort yourself out.

Red flags and rushing things from him - I'd back off personally.

Agree that this is way too much from him and ignoring a boundary is ignoring it whether it’s to do something ‘nice’ or not. Actually those peope tend to be the worst as they excuse it with ‘oh I just care about you’ or ‘I was just trying to help’ and act like you’re the one with the problem when they are being intrusive.

It’s also easy to feel more trusting of someone if they are not a total stranger but known to you or your family, in this case your Mum. But she doesn’t really know him, he’s a customer and it’s very easy to have a friendly back and forth with a client/when receiving a service. Lulls you into a false sense of security as well.

He is being ridiculous and putting pressure on you. He’s already bought the food for a meal he is cooking for you? Way over the top. Don’t trust him and don’t be his ‘friend’. Tell him sorry you’re not up for chatting or meeting and don’t have anything to do with him.

Thanks @luciles this is what I was trying to articulate (badly). The original message he sent me was very much along the lines of if I wanted to get out the house to take my mind off things. In a totally no pressure way.
He knew I had recently moved to the area and didn't really know anyone.
It was only after the drink that things became uncomfortable.

In case it wasn't clear, DM did ask my permission before she gave out my number, obviously. She has done nothing wrong in this scenario (in my eyes).

Thanks again for the replies. Glad to be reassured that what I am feeling was legitimate.

You did nothing wrong by going for one drink. You clearly have recognised the red flags soon enough so there's nothing wrong with your boundaries at all.
I'd have a word with your mum though, and spell out that you don't want her to tell your business to random customers. Especially single men.

Well done for noticing the signs and questioning it. Your instincts are spot on - this isn't healthy.

I do think it was too soon to go for a drink with someone but especially when he knows what's been happening to you from your mum. I'm upset she encouraged it and I think in future (when you're ready) don't date men who've been told how vulnerable you are. I'd say any man who was happy to get involved in this situation is likely to be looking to be a night un shining armour at best, and is a predator at worst

Well done OP for recognising this was an issue and posting for clarity. I understand someone spending time hanging out with someone 6 weeks after leaving a difficult relationship, don't worry about the folks here calling you out on that. You were clear with him that you weren't looking for a relationship. When I left my ex I "dated" loads because I desperately wanted fun and a change of scene. I was honest too. Interestingly I also developed a cold during that time and had one guy offering to come and look after me. We'd been on one date, it was an hour long drink in a pub and I was clear I didn't want anything further and had no plans to see him again. Whilst on that date he was massively ott, talking about how I would fit into his life, his friends would love me, etc., when he contacted me after he was clearly trying to find a way in. It can feel harsh putting that boundary down but the sooner you do it the better.

If anything, asking someone so recently separated out for a drink is edging towards dubious in itself - you did nothing wrong in accepting, especially as it seemed to have been quite respectful to start with.

But, someone genuine who likes you also sees that you are in a difficult situation and need space. Their actions after meeting you for that drink would have been a nice message saying they thought you were lovely and they’d like to get to know you better but will wait to hear from you when and if you’re ready. It’s not respectful to smother you with gifts and messages - it’s all about the other person’s needs and desires. You made it clear you weren’t ready; to disregard that message is a very bad sign. It says your feelings and needs don’t factor against what the other person wants.

If you don’t want to upset your mum or have the ‘but he’s so lovely’ argument from her, just say ‘he’s charming (true enough) but I’m really not ready.’ Followed by a firm insistence your mum respects boundaries and doesn’t give him any information about you - he’s a client of hers and very very likely to try to get to you through her by saying what a wonderful daughter she has and how he really wants to help.

You havent done anything wrong here OP. I wouldn't say "it's too soon" to get him to go away because you can bet your bottom dollar he will still be hanging about pushing his luck. Tell him you're not interested in him romantically and put an end to it - men like him are persistent and horrible.

He's taking advantage of you. Don't let him. And as others have said it doesn't matter a bit if others think he's nice, he's certainly not behaving in a nice way now.

What @couchparsnip said. Its a no from me.

He might be a "nice guy" and a family friend etc., but his behaviour in this situation is way too intense and you need to tell him directly to back off and give you some space.

If you put yourself in his shoes, why is he being this way with someone who is 13 years younger than him who has just had a break up from a difficult relationship? He's being "nice" but he's hoping it's going to turn into more. If you don't feel that way you need to be straight with him.

Tbh your DM doesn't really KNOW him though - social interactions don't result in knowing a person well enough to judge if they are really nice underneath, that takes time.
This all feels like he is immensely pushy to me. I'd be saying no.

It wasn't stupid to go out with him. His extreme behaviour isn't your fault. Normal balanced men know that one 'date' is just that. So please don't blame yourself. His behaviour is terrifying. To me it feels like he sees you as broken and wants to fix you and be your hero. That's really not ok. Just step back, tell him and your mum that you are not interested.

OP this is really really too soon. Something that caught my eye is the blame vocabulary you use. "I have done nothing wrong" when pps are telling you it is too soon. this isn´t a question of morality and right/wrong it is a question that six weeks after escaping dv you are in no way ready to face a man. What if we had all told you you were being oversensitive? I think you are very young and that´s why you rate going out with a man so highly, go out with friends, find a hobby, join a club. Predator can tell a vulnerable woman from six thousand miles away, and you sound like a little bunny. Keep the work on your boundaries, that is great work you are doing.

Even if there were no red flags with him it really is too soon to be dating! When you’re in a place of flux, uncertainty and vulnerability you are going to attract these kind of men. Unfortunately it’s why so many people who leave abusive relationships bounce straight into another one. You need time to rebuild and heal, and you need to have a period of putting yourself and the children first. You should never even consider dating until you’ve reached the next stages of moving on. WAY too early and highly likely to end in a car crash.

And the fact that you’re using terms like “damaged goods” to describe yourself suggests you also need to work on your sense of self before dating again.

Absolutely nothing wrong with going for a drink. Its a great way to practice your new boundaries and recognise red flags for when you are ready to consider a new relationship. How else are you supposed to grow and heal? You got red flags with this man and so good you are reflecting on that.
Men who are very keen to meet kids is a big red flag ( potential grooming?) You just do not know this early on. Some predatory men actively seek vulnerable women and the fact he feels like he has claimed you already big red flag.
Please tell your mum not to overshare your business to strangers while you are still so vulnerable. She probably not realising how unsafe this is. She only knows these people in a client basis gently tell her this as it makes men like this target you. You are doing great OP.

She has done nothing wrong in this scenario (in my eyes).

Disagree. Why is she blabbing about your relationship and abuse to this random man? He drops his dog off, okay, but he doesn’t need to know intimate details about your life.

He replied saying he had already bought xyz to cook me dinner but no issue.
There are loads of red flags but this one really stands out for me. What a guilt trip (as well as being presumptuous).
YANBU, OP, you are absolutely right to think you need to draw a clear line with this man.

Some posters really need to wind their necks in.
I think you are very young and that´s why you rate going out with a man so highly, go out with friends, find a hobby, join a club… you sound like a little bunny. is SO offensive and patronising.

Please stop looking for a man to make you feel good. You need therapy and healing before you go near a man again And yet the OP IS in therapy.

Don't be so quick to judge and assume things.

Too be honest I think he’s just being nice. He probably can’t believe his luck he’s got a young women interested in him and he wants to show you how attentive he is especially after what you’ve been through.
(Although he could just prey on vulnerable women).

But I don’t think he is the issue here so it doesn’t matter.
Honestly it is way too soon for you to be getting involved with anyone else. You need to grieve your relationship and heal and get your confidence back etc else you will either end up back with the ex or end up with the wrong person!
Become happy being by yourself and you will attract the right kind of men.

@SVRT19674

OP this is really really too soon. Something that caught my eye is the blame vocabulary you use. "I have done nothing wrong" when pps are telling you it is too soon. this isn´t a question of morality and right/wrong it is a question that six weeks after escaping dv you are in no way ready to face a man. What if we had all told you you were being oversensitive? I think you are very young and that´s why you rate going out with a man so highly, go out with friends, find a hobby, join a club. Predator can tell a vulnerable woman from six thousand miles away, and you sound like a little bunny. Keep the work on your boundaries, that is great work you are doing.

This!! You haven't done anything 'wrong' but you did do something risky and unwise. No worries, we all do that, but insisting it was fine or would have been if only the guy wasn't awful is not learning from your mistakes.

@IntermittentParps

He replied saying he had already bought xyz to cook me dinner but no issue. There are loads of red flags but this one really stands out for me. What a guilt trip (as well as being presumptuous). YANBU, OP, you are absolutely right to think you need to draw a clear line with this man.

Some posters really need to wind their necks in.
I think you are very young and that´s why you rate going out with a man so highly, go out with friends, find a hobby, join a club… you sound like a little bunny. is SO offensive and patronising.

Please stop looking for a man to make you feel good. You need therapy and healing before you go near a man again And yet the OP IS in therapy.

Don't be so quick to judge and assume things.

I wonder what her therapist said about the idea of going on a date?