Is this guy being nice or am I just damaged goods?!

[GiraffeJellycat]

NC'd as outing details.

I left my husband 6 weeks ago due to DV and serious control issues. By the end of the relationship, I wasn't even allowed to do the nursery run alone. DC (19m) and I are back living with my parents whilst I get on my feet.

DM runs a doggy day care business. There is a customer - let's call him Ben - who has been dropping his dog off 3 x per week for a number of years. Over the course of this time, DM and Ben have built up a good relationship. She really likes him. Through her, he knows I've had/am having a rough time.

A few weeks ago, I was on my way out when Ben was dropping off his dog. DM introduced us, we had a brief chat. He later text my DM saying how lovely I seemed and could he have my number?

I then had a message from him asking if I fancied going for a drink to take my mind off things? I am absolutely not ready or even considering dating anyone at the moment but I thought why not, if nothing else it's a confidence boost after what has happened.

We went out, it was really nice, got on well and I made it crystal clear to him that I do not want a serious relationship right now but I was happy to see him again.

Since then:

• next time he dropped his dog off he came armed with chocolates and flowers for me.

• I had to travel back to the area I lived with my ex for a few days to sort a few things out. He knew about this and that I was dreading it. I had loosely agreed to see him a couple of days after but I said I would confirm nearer the time. After I came back I came down with flu (proper bed bound flu) and asked to cancel, with 2 days notice. He replied saying he had already bought xyz to cook me dinner but no issue.

At no point did I agree to dinner at his (or anywhere).

• whilst I was in bed he was texting me pretty much nonstop and asked if I had tried x product from Holland & Barrett. I said I was fine on what I had but if I didn't get better I would go to Holland & Barrett. He dropped his dog off the next day with the HB product.

He is texting me pretty much constantly, and even rang me to say that he can rearrange things to see me in the day if I wanted to bring DC along as well.

Not sure if relevant or not but there is a decent age gap. I'm in my late twenties, he is 13 years older.

Ex was very similar at the start - totally showering me (and my family) with flowers, gifts etc.

My gut is saying to run but I feel conflicted as I know from my DM (and a mutual friend) that he's supposed to be a really nice guy. Would this ring alarm bells for you, or given my history, am I going to feel like this with anyone?

There was nothing wrong with going for a drink. You explained that you didn't want a relationship, he's the one whos not listening and is trampling all over your boundaries.

I don't think you've done anything wrong at all.

It doesn't matter what his motives are, the point is you've recognised his actions are making you uncomfortable. Now you're putting into practice all that you've learned and acting in the way that feels best for YOU. This isn't necessarily easy of you're not used to doing it. So this is progress and well done.

I haven't RTFT

I say this kindly OP - it's him, not you. He sees that you're vulnerable and he's preying on that. You deserve happiness but I suspect he's simply using your current vulnerability to his advantage.

Going for a drink was not wrong because if he was a perfectly nice, normal man, his "it might take your mind off things" would have been genuine, you'd have enjoyed a nice drink and a few hours and that would have been that, particularly after you made it clear you weren't interested in more. A normal man would have greeted you politely when he saw you at your mum's or perhaps mentioned that a few friends were getting together and would you like to join to meet a few more locals.

A lot of posters here are very close to serious victim blaming. Don't listen to them OP.

Where did i say you'd done something wrong ?? All I said was if I was only 6 weeks out of an abusive relationship I wouldn't be dating. You also have a very young child to be considering. And you clearly aren't secure in yourself as you're having to ask on here if he's nice or not.

I get why you went for the drink, especially if the DV was emotionally abusive and you’ve been feeling like you’re not good enough, it’s nice to think someone fancies us and we’re not the undesirable people we’ve been convinced we are.

Thing is, this man knew via your mum about it and rather than thinking to himself “hmm I fancy this woman but she’s just out of an awful relationship and needs time to recover and get back on her feet so I’ll wait” he’s gone in all guns blazing, being pushy and overbearing. Massive red flags.

Best thing you can do is drop him a text and tell him bluntly you’re not interested so you’re not going to be engaging with him anymore. Doesn’t need to be mean, just to the point and matter of fact. Then go no contact.

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep, I wonder what her therapist said about the idea of going on a date?
You really need to fucking leave off the OP. She has said several times that she did not construe it as a 'date' and made her stance clear to this man.
Leave her the fuck alone.

Not your fault OP, you thought you were making a friend and he has creepily already moved things along in his head. He sounds all wrong.
I'd avoid him if you can and trust your instincts.
Good luck x

After leaving an incredibly abusive marriage, I really needed time and space to get my head together and heal, and take care of myself and my DC.

This man has seen you coming he is actively targeting a vulnerable woman (who's history he is aware of), he is seriously trampling all over your boundaries especially suggesting your DC come along to a date WTF?

I'd avoid him purely because he is utterly creepy, you'd agreed to a vague second meeting and he decided it would be at his home without even asking you. that is all sorts of wrong.

I'd run far and fast from him, tell him you will bow out now as you are really not interested in dating.

I can completely understand why you went out for drinks, it is nice to feel normal and yes attractive, and that you can go out and enjoy your freedom and behave like every other person in the world is after being trapped in a nightmare abusive relationship.

Don't bother being polite to this man or worrying about his feelings, he is not considering you at all. He is a predator.

It would be too much even for someone who hasn't been through what you have and was ready to commit to a relationship.

You are also not stupid, it would have been lovely to spend some time with someone and you made it clear what you wanted. It was him that has been, is being out of order

You're absolutely not damaged goods!

To add to all the brilliant responses here, trust your gut! If he is the nice guy he is supposed to be, he will back off and respect that.

OP. Well done on getting away from the Dv. That must have been so hard for you to go through. I am glad you have a safe place to stay with family and hope you find a lovely home for yourself and dc when you are ready. You seem grounded and you know what is acceptable and just need to build up the confidence to trust yourself. X

@IntermittentParps

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep, I wonder what her therapist said about the idea of going on a date? You really need to fucking leave off the OP. She has said several times that she did not construe it as a 'date' and made her stance clear to this man. Leave her the fuck alone.

@Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep I spoke to my therapist about it before I went  she agreed it was a good opportunity to exercise my new found freedom. My daughter is 19 months old and I have never once left bar nursery. It was liberating to be able to do something so very normal that other women might take for granted.

To the poster who said I need a hobby - you have NO idea of who I am, my background or my situation you have no idea who I am or what I do with my time.

I wanted to leave my ex before my daughter was born, hence why I sought therapy when she was only a month old. It's taken me a long time to "get my ducks in a row" so to speak. I envy anyone who is just in a position to "get up and go."

Please can we move on from whether it was right or wrong for me to go out with him or not. It's not AIBU, it's the Relationships board. I genuinely wanted an outsiders perspective on whether I was triggered or whether this guy is a creep.

Thank you @IntermittentParps

Well done for getting out of that relationship

This guy is not caring, he’s preying on you. I think that this intensity isn’t what you need so soon (or at all)

He’s being really disrespectful to any boundaries you’ve implied such as that you’ll confirm after the trip whether you’re up for seeing him, but he in fact thinks that this is his choice and he assumes and prepares as if you’re going over - even when you’re unaware.

When you in fact then are unable/not up for his plan - that at no point you agreed with - he drops in the purchasing of ingredients.

This alone is so manipulative - even if he was excited and innocently got the wrong end of the stick, given the context he could have just not told you that he’d done that in order to not make you feel even worse.

Just trying to make you feel guilty. In fact he might not have even bought the ingredients but just wanted to try and twist the knife when he felt rejected… when you’re already ill and upset.

He sounds awful - desperate and creepy tbh.

I’ve encountered many similar men but only when I’ve usually been at my most vulnerable - they’re like vultures, no matter how “nice” they appear to those they’re not freaking out and pursuing.

When you’re feeling strong and positive you are out of their league; right now I bet he can’t believe his luck.

No respect for you and doesn’t listen or care what you say or think…? that’s a hard no!

You deserve so so so much more - after everything you’ve been through just focus on healing ♥️

Oooh long! Sorry

TiredButDancing

Going for a drink was not wrong because if he was a perfectly nice, normal man, his "it might take your mind off things" would have been genuine, you'd have enjoyed a nice drink and a few hours and that would have been that, particularly after you made it clear you weren't interested in more. A normal man would have greeted you politely when he saw you at your mum's or perhaps mentioned that a few friends were getting together and would you like to join to meet a few more locals.

A lot of posters here are very close to serious victim blaming. Don't listen to them OP.

@TiredButDancing Well said

Alarm bells.

Bit harsh... he obviously likes you a lot and is trying to care for you. It's too much, agreed, but that doesnt make the guy a controlling weirdo! Nor do you need to "run". Just say you're not sure there's a click but it was nice to meet for a drink. Then leave it, no need to make him feel like shit or embarrassed.

Way too soon for you to be even dating, imo. Give yourself time to process all the hell you've just been through xxx

Look at it from a positive light. You went out for a drink, alarm bells rang, and now you’re not gonna go for another drink. That means that you’ve learnt some boundaries and to trust your gut. Which is good. I wouldn’t bother saying ‘I’m not ready’ as then he’ll try to persuade you to be ready or say that he’ll wait for you to be ready. If he texts again say you don’t want to go out for one. You don’t need to give any reason except that you’re not going to go. If you give a reason he’ll try to persuade you with a counter argument or make you feel guilty. And tell your mum to slop blabbing your business. Horrible men will specifically choose emotionally vulnerable women. And like others have said, will sometimes choose women with children to get access to the children.

Stay well clear OP, your gut instinct is right.

Red flags:
Doesn't respect your boundaries and goes OTT to try and push through them.
That manipulative guilt trip when you were ill about ingredients is a horrible thing to do. You hadn't even agreed to a dinner.

I'm sure he thinks he's a "nice guy", he isn't.

Onwards and upwards for you, enjoy your hard won freedom

SwanShaped I wouldn’t bother saying ‘I’m not ready’ as then he’ll try to persuade you to be ready or say that he’ll wait for you to be ready.

That’s a good point.

Some women here really do struggle to see boundary pushing behaviour in men. The OP isn't one of them.

@SwanShaped

Look at it from a positive light. You went out for a drink, alarm bells rang, and now you’re not gonna go for another drink. That means that you’ve learnt some boundaries and to trust your gut. Which is good. I wouldn’t bother saying ‘I’m not ready’ as then he’ll try to persuade you to be ready or say that he’ll wait for you to be ready. If he texts again say you don’t want to go out for one. You don’t need to give any reason except that you’re not going to go. If you give a reason he’ll try to persuade you with a counter argument or make you feel guilty. And tell your mum to slop blabbing your business. Horrible men will specifically choose emotionally vulnerable women. And like others have said, will sometimes choose women with children to get access to the children.

That's a really good way of looking at it.

Personally think he’s creepy. You’ve made it clear that you aren’t interested in a relationship and need space. You shouldn’t have to repeat your boundaries, he’s insisting on pushing them and isn’t respecting them. You agreed to a drink on one night, nothing more. He’s being too full on and too pushy - you need to tell him to fall back and keep his distance

Yep I agree Clymene, OP is doing great.

Your gut is spot on here, give yourself a big pat on the back and maybe share with your therapist how well you've done spotting these signs and recognising that his behaviour is not OK. It's important we reflect on our successes as much as our challenges. I still think it can't hurt to revisit some of the freedom programme stuff like you said you might, and I think it's worth having a gentle word with your mum as although I'm sure she meant no harm she has made you a little vulnerable here - but that's your call to make, you're in charge now.

All the best to you and your baby OP, the world is your oyster