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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dumped by 16 min rambling voice note

133 replies

StartingAgain33 · 07/07/2021 07:09

I'm so angry, mostly with myself, as a big part of me has felt this guy is full of red flags, even from the beginning, but I didn't listen to myself and instead got swayed by friends and even my therapist saying he sounded nice!! I have let this go on for NINE MONTHS. I was going to dump him tomorrow after a couple of weeks of terrible, one sided communication on his part but I wanted to do in person or on the phone so it could be friendly, dignified and equal. However he has got in early and, as ever, not given me a chance to have a voice. I'm not sure I have energy to reply, but I also feel like saying some really nasty things.

Reasons I should have ended this sooner:

  • love bombed me at beginning, I felt pushed into being sexual too early and also his declarations were intense and way too soon
  • he hadn't had a relationship in over 10 years and said his exes had done / said terrible things to him including insults that he was 'weird' and 'didn't listen to them
  • he backtracked four months in and said we needed to put on the breaks as was moving too fast. When I pointed out it was HIM making these statements (he had suggested getting a flat together the previous week and I'd said no!) he gaslit me and said I had led the commitment conversations (I definitely had not, though I did let myself get swept away which I feel stupid about)
  • he was generally emotionally unstable, swinging from one mood to the next, I want to be with you for the rest of my life one minute and then saying he's struggling with the idea of ever moving to my part of London the next (not that I'd asked him to!!). Also, the past few weeks he has gone from streams of angry texts about nothing to then voice notes where he acts like everything is normal and he would 'love to see me' that Saturday for his friends birthday?!
  • he seemed obsessed with idea I was controlling him. If I had an emotion, and was upset, and explained it in an adult way, this was 'controlling' him and I was drawing him 'into my emotional playground'
  • he was very insensitive and terrible at any kind of emotional validation. He was shit when my uncle died for instance, just changed the subject as made him feel unconfy
  • apparently I am too emotional and he can't give me what I need, yet he stores up grievances, has big angry outbursts and can't resolve a disagreement without huge statements/ hours and hours of talking at me till I'm so exhausted I can't do anything but sit back and take it (this is unlike me, I'm usually good at being assertive)

Does he have bpd or something?

He made me feel insecure, like I was going mad with all the gaslighting and like I had done something really wrong for him to back off when he was keen on me at first. I know these are classic signs, so why did I stay? I even convinced myself he was autistic to make his behaviour ok (I do actually this he is). He didn't seem very narcissistic as he had poor self esteem. He reeled me in with his self pity and sob stories about his controlling mother and cruel exes (despite the fact he is Cambridge educated, earns £100k+ and is very good looking).

Now ex could probably tell I was going to end things in person today so got in first. The voice note was about how he just 'can't meet my needs' and 'no one he's ever been out with has had so many needs' for 'emotional validation'. It has made me feel like I am 'too much' and like shit, despite knowing he is a knob.

This is the latest in a string of knobs where I am ignoring gut instinct and trying to make things work. I find it hard to tell what is acceptable or not (although this guy massively takes the biscuit - none of my exes were like this and I have always had amicable respectful breakups).

I am starting to panic as I am almost 37 and want kids. So feel I should get back on dating scene, but just don't have the energy and I know I need to take some time out after this. I have frozen 28 eggs at 35 (apparently over 90% chance of a live birth with todays technology) so potentially have a backup plan.

Any advice, and also hand holding, welcome. Please not too much telling off. I am feeling like such an idiot as it is.

OP posts:
Aalvarino · 07/07/2021 07:15

Gosh this sounds so similar to something that happened to me. It's absolutely horrible, like walking on shifting sands all the time and getting emotionally slapped down on a regular basis.

He is not right in the head. You know that. Unfortunately these people can be very charismatic.

He had to have the last word didn't he?? It's all about him.

Flowers for you. You should not feel bad at all. He on the other hand....

redcarbluecar · 07/07/2021 07:26

Sorry you’re going through this; hope you feel better when things settle. You sound very, very well rid of him.

Hawkins001 · 07/07/2021 07:27

All the best op

Theunamedcat · 07/07/2021 07:30

Dodged a bullet there right enough can you imagine having children with him halfway through the pregnancy he changes his mind because.....ramble ramble mumble

Onwards and upwards

Celandines · 07/07/2021 07:32

You could just reply "Too long, can't be bothered to listen to that"

GrumpyTerrier · 07/07/2021 07:38

Don't respond. That will bother him more than any response, and also will save face for you. Sorry you met such an asshole.

Original poster
StartingAgain33 · 07/07/2021 07:39

@celandines I have been tempted to do that...

'Too long, didn't listen beyond first minute. You really need to learn to be more concise. Anyway, after the past few terrible weeks of being subjected to your incoherent angry ramblings I'm afraid I'm taking the cowards way out and dumping you by text as I cannot bear to listen to you anymore. Very unlike me but you have driven me to it. Good luck with everything.

OP posts:
category12 · 07/07/2021 07:39

I'm pretty sure that there's a shade of narc that presents as having low self esteem.

Anyway, don't keep giving him headroom by trying to diagnose what's wrong with him or working out why he behaves the way he does. It doesn't matter why, what matters is the behaviour.

You're well out of it. Block him on everything. He may just have broken up in order to get you begging or may return as if nothing has happened. Take your chance to get out by closing down every avenue for contact.

Polkadots2021 · 07/07/2021 07:42

Oh dear what a loser. Anyone could be taken in by a hot narcissistic charming manipulative liar so don't feel bad that you were. If I were you I'd raise a glass to the bullet you dodged while texting him 'oh dear, 16 minute rambling emotional voicenote, you ok hun? Grin'

Then start dating again. Loads of people including me met the love of their lives and had kiddos a year or two older than you are now.

tenredthings · 07/07/2021 07:42

Send a text with just a thumbs up emoji and block. Sounds like you are well rid !

GrandmasCat · 07/07/2021 07:42

I think he is awful but, I think you need to reframe the situation here, you didn’t waste 9 months of your life, you saved yourself a lifetime of misery and learned to listen to yourself rather than other people.

Your pride is always affected when someone dumps you, that’s probably why he dumped you first. So keep reminding your head that you were going to dump him anyway, write a long list of why, and go back to it every time you start thinking of wanting him back (rejection creates attachment so keep going back to the list you wrote)

But most importantly, as much as you are not the guilty party here you need to take some responsibility for this disaster, your post is full of references about how you were swayed to stay in this relationship by your friends, your therapist and him. Stop that, he never locked you in a room and threw the key, you could have left at any time but choose not to, don’t forget it was always in your control to leave but you chose to stay, because keeping that perspective will help you walk out of toxic relationships sooner in the future.

Original poster
StartingAgain33 · 07/07/2021 07:43

@Polkadots2021 thank you so much. I really needed that sliver of hope.

So this isn't all my fault?!?! And I might find a nice bloke soon?? Smile

OP posts:
NewlyGranny · 07/07/2021 07:46

More projection than your local multiplex. You've dodged a bullet.

Text him TLDL (too long, didn't listen) sorry mate, you've got too needy and demanding, it's over.

And block him. Nobody should be contemplating children with this man. There are a cornucopia of reasons he's single!

GrandmasCat · 07/07/2021 07:47

In terms of saving your pride don’t even give him the satisfaction of acknowledging his message, if you don’t respond, he gets no closure and you get the upper hand.

Original poster
StartingAgain33 · 07/07/2021 07:48

Thank you @GrandmasCat very wise words. I agree I need to take responsibility. In all honesty I think my age is making me make bad decisions. I had an attitude when I was younger of 'there are millions more fish in the sea', as I found it very easy to meet people and didn't feel old and like men would see my age on online dating and think I was desperate for kids / not as attractive as the 25 year olds. I think this is feeding my panic and making me settle. I am finding the age thing really hard and analysing all my wrinkles etc even tho I know I look a lot younger and chances are I would still find it very easy to meet people as there hasn't ever been that much of a decline. I need to find a way of getting my self confidence back that doesn't rely on a man's approval.

OP posts:
Potterurotter · 07/07/2021 07:48

He’ll be back so block him and move on, more issues than vogue. He is not for you

HollowTalk · 07/07/2021 07:48

I am really concerned that your therapist and anybody else in the whole world could think that this was a good guy. I wouldn't reply as I think that would hurt him the most and I wouldn't be surprised if you got another message soon to try to make you reply. But I would block him before that could happen.

It might be worth your while looking at a different therapist as well.

CrouchEndTiger12 · 07/07/2021 07:51

If you really want to mess with his head don't reply at all.

Imagine him knowing you couldn't even be arsed to reply to that.

Original poster
StartingAgain33 · 07/07/2021 07:52

@hollowtalk I think my therapist is as invested in me finding someone before my fertility runs out as I am and it was wishful thinking on his part. I'm going to talk to him about the times when he rationalised things as I ran those in my head when I had doubts. I am also going to talk to him about my perception (justified or not) that he thinks that I should have children to be happy (I know he has three). No idea if he really does but that's the impression I have. He has also looked like he agrees with me when I say that men will be put off by my age on online dating if they want kids. I might be projecting but none of it is helping.

OP posts:
Berthatydfil · 07/07/2021 07:53

Dump the therapist

Iwouldlikesomecake · 07/07/2021 07:53

Send ‘it’s a voice note not a podcast, cba to listen to all that!’ Then block Grin

Original poster
StartingAgain33 · 07/07/2021 07:55

@Aalvarino sadly he wasn't even charismatic. He was actually pretty bloody boring. Would drone on for ages about the same thing.

I know I'm better off if only because I don't have to listen to his dreadful moaning anymore.

He didn't even ever joke, or get my jokes. He exploded at me after I ribbed him a few times in one day as he just didn't get it.

Weird

OP posts:
Moltenpink · 07/07/2021 07:57

@CrouchEndTiger12

If you really want to mess with his head don't reply at all.

Imagine him knowing you couldn't even be arsed to reply to that.

Agreed. If you’ve seen the brilliant “dumped by text” thread, it is a very effective move!
category12 · 07/07/2021 07:58

Different therapist required. You'd possibly do better with a woman.

Onestep2021 · 07/07/2021 07:58

Hi OP
He sounds like a nightmare. Quite similar to an ex of mine. It took me years to really let him/it go.
I hear and understand your desire to have children. You‘be already taken steps to secure it which is great.
But I gently want to ask, why do you think you did let this drag on when a part of you knew there were red flags everywhere? You
seem to know this is the crucial question.
Im not asking you so you can answer here but perhaps it’s worth really trying to understand witj your therapy. It can be something quite deep.
I suspect you knew at 4 months that he wouldn’t be tye kind of man you’d like to have children with. I suspect when he was indifferent after your uncle died you knew then he wasn’t the man you hoped to start a family with.. but you stayed. I don’t write this to make you feel bad. I really don’t. But if there is something in it, and if you can see a pattern from your previous relationships then it’s worth exploring so that you can change it.
I wish you lots of luck.