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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dumped by 16 min rambling voice note

133 replies

StartingAgain33 · 07/07/2021 07:09

I'm so angry, mostly with myself, as a big part of me has felt this guy is full of red flags, even from the beginning, but I didn't listen to myself and instead got swayed by friends and even my therapist saying he sounded nice!! I have let this go on for NINE MONTHS. I was going to dump him tomorrow after a couple of weeks of terrible, one sided communication on his part but I wanted to do in person or on the phone so it could be friendly, dignified and equal. However he has got in early and, as ever, not given me a chance to have a voice. I'm not sure I have energy to reply, but I also feel like saying some really nasty things.

Reasons I should have ended this sooner:

  • love bombed me at beginning, I felt pushed into being sexual too early and also his declarations were intense and way too soon
  • he hadn't had a relationship in over 10 years and said his exes had done / said terrible things to him including insults that he was 'weird' and 'didn't listen to them
  • he backtracked four months in and said we needed to put on the breaks as was moving too fast. When I pointed out it was HIM making these statements (he had suggested getting a flat together the previous week and I'd said no!) he gaslit me and said I had led the commitment conversations (I definitely had not, though I did let myself get swept away which I feel stupid about)
  • he was generally emotionally unstable, swinging from one mood to the next, I want to be with you for the rest of my life one minute and then saying he's struggling with the idea of ever moving to my part of London the next (not that I'd asked him to!!). Also, the past few weeks he has gone from streams of angry texts about nothing to then voice notes where he acts like everything is normal and he would 'love to see me' that Saturday for his friends birthday?!
  • he seemed obsessed with idea I was controlling him. If I had an emotion, and was upset, and explained it in an adult way, this was 'controlling' him and I was drawing him 'into my emotional playground'
  • he was very insensitive and terrible at any kind of emotional validation. He was shit when my uncle died for instance, just changed the subject as made him feel unconfy
  • apparently I am too emotional and he can't give me what I need, yet he stores up grievances, has big angry outbursts and can't resolve a disagreement without huge statements/ hours and hours of talking at me till I'm so exhausted I can't do anything but sit back and take it (this is unlike me, I'm usually good at being assertive)

Does he have bpd or something?

He made me feel insecure, like I was going mad with all the gaslighting and like I had done something really wrong for him to back off when he was keen on me at first. I know these are classic signs, so why did I stay? I even convinced myself he was autistic to make his behaviour ok (I do actually this he is). He didn't seem very narcissistic as he had poor self esteem. He reeled me in with his self pity and sob stories about his controlling mother and cruel exes (despite the fact he is Cambridge educated, earns £100k+ and is very good looking).

Now ex could probably tell I was going to end things in person today so got in first. The voice note was about how he just 'can't meet my needs' and 'no one he's ever been out with has had so many needs' for 'emotional validation'. It has made me feel like I am 'too much' and like shit, despite knowing he is a knob.

This is the latest in a string of knobs where I am ignoring gut instinct and trying to make things work. I find it hard to tell what is acceptable or not (although this guy massively takes the biscuit - none of my exes were like this and I have always had amicable respectful breakups).

I am starting to panic as I am almost 37 and want kids. So feel I should get back on dating scene, but just don't have the energy and I know I need to take some time out after this. I have frozen 28 eggs at 35 (apparently over 90% chance of a live birth with todays technology) so potentially have a backup plan.

Any advice, and also hand holding, welcome. Please not too much telling off. I am feeling like such an idiot as it is.

OP posts:
category12 · 07/07/2021 08:00

Going forward, you need to give blokes far less chances and be ruthless about dumping if they cross lines. Sort the wheat from the chaff faster.

SixesAndEights · 07/07/2021 08:01

Either send the thumbs up emoji and block, or just block. Don't enter into any dialogue!!!

Your gut was warning you about this guy, listen to your gut more!

Your therapist is crap, dump him and get another one who can remain impartial!

Flowers
GrandmasCat · 07/07/2021 08:01

37 is prime time for dating, there are a lot of very nice men recently divorced, many due to incompatibility issues, marrying young, etc. You will find that many carry a bit of baggage but remind yourself that at this age, everybody does, so it is a matter of choosing someone whose baggage doesn’t impact on you (ie. don’t choose one who wants no more children if you do, etc).

And keep this close to your heart: just when the caterpillar thought the world was ending, it became a butterfly. There is amazing life still ahead of you, most of us older people think that the 40s was the best time in our life 🙂

romdowa · 07/07/2021 08:02

Your therapist sounds like a far bigger problem here. Block the weirdo ex and get yourself on the hunt for a new therapist. That weirdo guy you were dating was practically doing Morris dancing with red flags ! Any professional who would encourage you stay and give someone a chance , is not someone you should waste money on .

Original poster
StartingAgain33 · 07/07/2021 08:03

Is it bad that I don't want to block him as I want to see if he texts again so I can ignore it? Although tbh I don't think he will, he said that the past two weeks had 'broken something' and he had lost his feelings and I didn't need to reply!

FYI the thing that broke him was I said I felt a bit sad because I would have liked him to be more positive when I called him to say I was on way to estate agents to pick up keys to my new house. I said it would have been nice if he had properly celebrated me and not gotten into a big moan about why he's stressed and that it would have been good for just one day to be about me (and to be positive about anything for just one day). He said 'I made him feel like shit' and 'I make him feel so ashamed' and that he cannot please me and my emotional ways etc, making me feel terrible. I apologised over and over and tried to placate but no, two weeks of that shit - over text also! Madness

OP posts:
GrandmasCat · 07/07/2021 08:04

Agree about dumping the therapist. You will know you have find a good therapist when you find one who only asks questions and let you reach your own conclusions, the ones that give opinions are not the ones to keep. Sadly good therapists are as rare as hen teeth these days.

CrouchEndTiger12 · 07/07/2021 08:05

Don't block him it will show you give a shit.

If you can

A) ignore this voice message

B) ignore any other text he sends

Then don't block him. Only block if you think.you would be tempted to reply.

Blocking never used to be a thing. We all just used to ignore exes messages

category12 · 07/07/2021 08:06

Is it bad that I don't want to block him as I want to see if he texts again so I can ignore it?

It's risky. You've already given this guy too much of your time and headspace. By keeping the door open, you're giving him more.

Actively move yourself on.

Original poster
StartingAgain33 · 07/07/2021 08:07

@grandmascat I do to be fair ask my therapist what he thinks regularly and I think he has given in and should be firmer. I'll talk to him about this. Maybe it's possible to renegotiate boundaries. But I worry the dynamic has become more like friends than therapy. I would reallt miss him as we've built up a great rapport.

OP posts:
GrandmasCat · 07/07/2021 08:09

You don’t need to block him, just delete his number if you feel you would be tempted to reply. If you block him, you may end up wondering for ever if he tried to contact you.

Queenoftheashes · 07/07/2021 08:11

Agree don’t reply - that will take the wind out of his self important sails.

GrandmasCat · 07/07/2021 08:11

You shouldn’t ask your therapist what he thinks, unless he replies with a question that brings the conversation back to what YOU think, he is not doing his job properly.

He is a therapist, not a mentor, and neither of you should forget that.

Nonmaquillee · 07/07/2021 08:12

I’m really sorry to read this has happened to you. Several years ago I experienced something similar including angry outbursts and gaslighting. It was a horrible horrible time in my life. The guy I was with told me early on that he had Asperger’s and ADHD - clearly at the time it meant very little to me and because he had also love-bombed me (soulmate, you know when you know, etc……) I was really captivated by him. I have since done a great deal of reading into how these issues CAN (using this word so others don’t jump on me for being negative about men with these diagnoses) manifest themselves in emotional relationships - inability to regulate emotion was very high on the list. I also think that the guy I was involved with was a narc - looking back, I could see many instances of his huge ego (flash car, snooty about others etc).

Like you I didn’t listen to my gut. The first time he gaslighted me, I KNEW what he was doing but to my own cost I tried to ignore it. This chap didn’t even give any explanations as to why he wanted no further contact - he simply stonewalled me.

In time you will feel immense relief at not being with him any more and you will be more than aware of such red flags. As an aside, your therapist overstepped the mark in saying that the relationship sounded good….look after yourself, and perhaps change therapist!

GrandmasCat · 07/07/2021 08:13

But again, don’t pass the blame to the therapist here, remember, keep your sense of responsibility, don’t be a victim, it disempowers you.

PearlNextDoor · 07/07/2021 08:15

Eugh, it sounds like an experience that leaves you feeling a bit soiled and I thought that this was your line in the sand moment where you learnt never again to tolerate anything that activates a little alarm in your soul, but then, you say, you're not going to block him in case he texts!?

I had an experience like this too. Love bombed, acquiesced to relationship becoming sexual sooner than I would have considered idea, he was very charming and funny, then he went on holiday and I never heard from him again. He basically insinuated I was easy and had no right to be upset when I rang him to draw a line under it. I also felt that feeling of 'I should have known! I should have listened!''

He had shared a lot of stuff with me that would damage a person's ability to have a healthy relationship, and he just kept moving on.

A lot of us have been where you are now, so join the club, but learn from it and block him, precisely because he might crawl back looking for drama and validation.

You will want to attribute more humanity to him than that, but that's all it will be, a bid to show himself you're still interested or still invested in to what he thinks.

Just block him because it doesn't matter what he thinks.

It matters what you think.

category12 · 07/07/2021 08:15

[quote StartingAgain33]@grandmascat I do to be fair ask my therapist what he thinks regularly and I think he has given in and should be firmer. I'll talk to him about this. Maybe it's possible to renegotiate boundaries. But I worry the dynamic has become more like friends than therapy. I would reallt miss him as we've built up a great rapport.[/quote]
You need a new therapist. This isn't professional.

PearlNextDoor · 07/07/2021 08:16

I'm in therapy too btw so I think it's interesting that the therapist thought ''he sounded nice''.

Were you sharing with the therapist that you felt rushed?

Did the therapist know that you were unable to pace the relationship?

Nonmaquillee · 07/07/2021 08:18

@StartingAgain33

Is it bad that I don't want to block him as I want to see if he texts again so I can ignore it? Although tbh I don't think he will, he said that the past two weeks had 'broken something' and he had lost his feelings and I didn't need to reply!

FYI the thing that broke him was I said I felt a bit sad because I would have liked him to be more positive when I called him to say I was on way to estate agents to pick up keys to my new house. I said it would have been nice if he had properly celebrated me and not gotten into a big moan about why he's stressed and that it would have been good for just one day to be about me (and to be positive about anything for just one day). He said 'I made him feel like shit' and 'I make him feel so ashamed' and that he cannot please me and my emotional ways etc, making me feel terrible. I apologised over and over and tried to placate but no, two weeks of that shit - over text also! Madness

The guy I was with also did these things. He couldn’t be pleased for me about anything, and if I had a bad experience he always started talking about his OWN similar experience.

Everything was about him.

Original poster
StartingAgain33 · 07/07/2021 08:19

@pearlnextdoor agree with this. I will block him

Annoyingly he gave me a mattress for my new house which is his and be may want back, I had said I'd buy a new one when feeling a bit more flush. It's a nice mattress but feels weird sleeping in it. But don't want to see him again to give it back and don't want him asking for it later when he moves back to his house (he is having it renovated for three months)

OP posts:
PearlNextDoor · 07/07/2021 08:20

I have to agree with category 12. If I were to tell my therapist I were dating, I imagine the conversation would be more about how in control I felt, whether it felt right, was making me anxious, happy, stifled, was I feeling empowered to pace the relationship, I don't think she'd be saying ''well, if he did x therefore he must be y''.

Original poster
StartingAgain33 · 07/07/2021 08:21

@nonmaquilee yes he always did this! I was excited as I got a position as a trustee for a charity and he completely ignored this and said 'I need to be getting a trustee position'

And I couldn't share anything stressful without him taking over. Zero ability to listen.

OP posts:
HalzTangz · 07/07/2021 08:22

I think you need to just cut him off, don't reply to the voice note, block his number, email address, social media accounts.
He wants you to respond and grovel for him back.
Don't do it

PearlNextDoor · 07/07/2021 08:22

I'd get rid of the mattress but without communicating with him!

When you break up with people by voice note then you sometimes lose things.

Interesting as well that he did it by voice note. Like that is going some way to have his full say isn't it!

sixteen minutes of him having his say.

It's all about him for sure.

Original poster
StartingAgain33 · 07/07/2021 08:23

@pearlnextdoor therapist definitely asks me how I feel on a regular basis about things as I get caught up in details and not knowing how I feel. I think that's where we get stuck - he almost starts prompting because I am struggling to know half the time and stuck between sometimes I feel great / sometimes I feel something very dark is going on and hes weird / boring/ unstable etc

OP posts:
SixesAndEights · 07/07/2021 08:27

[quote StartingAgain33]@grandmascat I do to be fair ask my therapist what he thinks regularly and I think he has given in and should be firmer. I'll talk to him about this. Maybe it's possible to renegotiate boundaries. But I worry the dynamic has become more like friends than therapy. I would reallt miss him as we've built up a great rapport.[/quote]
This is all wrong for a therapist, and he's not very good. Please get a new one, your therapist is not your friend.