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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sorting himself out

59 replies

stayingontop · 06/07/2021 09:47

Confused just that really, woke up at 3am this morning to realise DH is having a good old w*nk.... I pretended to be asleep , as not in the mood for it (another separate post entirely!) , then he casually comes and removes his boxers and gets back into bed. Is this normal!? As in when partner/husband/wife is asleep? And then next to them? I couldn't even look at him this morning Blush

OP posts:
Geanna2 · 06/07/2021 10:02

I'm always surprised at the amount of people who think their partners never masturbate.

LunaNorth · 06/07/2021 10:05

He removed his boxers after a wank?

Does he need lessons?

seensome · 06/07/2021 10:05

Quite a normal function, especially when the other half isn't up for it.

Drovememad · 06/07/2021 10:05

Totally normal to masturbate, probably not so to be waking your partner up whilst doing so.

Drovememad · 06/07/2021 10:06

Sorry missed the bit about not being able to look at him this morning, why was that?

Original poster
stayingontop · 06/07/2021 10:06

Noooo I know masturbating is normal, but next to me when I am asleep? Just think it is odd!

OP posts:
Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep · 06/07/2021 10:11

I think it's really rude to masturbate in bed with a sleeping partner. If you want to, go and do it somewhere else.

Geanna2 · 06/07/2021 10:23

@stayingontop

Noooo I know masturbating is normal, but next to me when I am asleep? Just think it is odd!
How do you know he hasn't done it all the time you've been together? If you're usually asleep you'd be none the wiser.
Elisandra · 06/07/2021 10:26

It’s boundaries isn’t it? On his own - crack on. Next to you sleeping in bed - no.

Palavah · 06/07/2021 10:29

I alao don't understand the taking pants off afterwards thing, but it certainly wouldn't bother me unless it was interfering with sex.

PixieKitten · 06/07/2021 10:41

At least the third post I've read this year on it

Bridezillamaybe · 06/07/2021 11:33

Give him a break FGS, you said yourself you weren't interested at the moment and he thought you were asleep.

SleepingStandingUp · 06/07/2021 11:40

Maybe going and standing in the bathroom ruins the moment for him.

Honestly unless he was touching you or had uncovered you to stare at you or ejaculated into the bed or over you, you need to let it go.

JesusSufferingFuck22 · 06/07/2021 11:55

Not a big deal over and above waking you up by shaking the bed. Tbh I was creeped out the first time my DH did this. After he’d done it a few times I had to say something to him. Can’t remember what as it was years ago but it was along the lines of please stop waking me up when you have a wank.

TheFoundations · 06/07/2021 11:58

@stayingontop

Noooo I know masturbating is normal, but next to me when I am asleep? Just think it is odd!
It's not abnormal.

But if you don't like it, tell him. That's normal too.

Why couldn't you look at him?

WishICouldThinkOfAGoodName · 06/07/2021 12:00

I just think it’s inconsiderate if you’re trying to sleep. I’d say something, but I’m so grumpy if I get woken up too early.

DeadSouth · 06/07/2021 12:03

I can’t imagine masturbating besides my partner while he was asleep id find it equally disrespectful if he done it to me, there’s plenty other places he can do it.

Elisandra · 06/07/2021 12:10

You’re allowed to object to any sexual activity that makes you uncomfortable, OP. Despite the wannabe handmaiden above telling you to put up with anything that isn’t serious abuse.

RedBonnet · 06/07/2021 12:15

He could do it in private tbh, bathroom, shower, spare room, whatever. I think it is rude to do it in bed next to you, unless he's secretly hoping you'll wake up and join in!

30degreesandmeltinghere · 06/07/2021 12:16

Imo unless mutual /part of sex session a wank is private. And needs to be in a private place...
Grim imo.

MMmomDD · 06/07/2021 12:20

If he wasn’t touching you, or in any way involving you in an non-consensual way - doing it quietly at 3am while you are sleeping is totally normal.
He was probably struggling to fall asleep, and wanking can help.

If he was too vigorous to wake you - I’d say something. But otherwise - not sure what you find disrespectful. He is allowed to masturbate. And he doesn’t have to leave the bed in the middle of the night. As long as - see above … we all need to be mindful of others.

But it sounds like you have other issues around sex as a couple which might explain your reaction.

TheFoundations · 06/07/2021 12:20

I think it's a bodily function like farting or using the loo. Some people and/or their partners are comfortable being in the same room for these things, some not. You don't know until you talk about it, and when you do, it should be with mutual respect.

Unless you think he was wanking out of malice.

ABitOfAShitShow · 06/07/2021 12:22

@LunaNorth

He removed his boxers after a wank?

Does he need lessons?

I am CRYING! 😂
GreenTeaBlackCoffeeAndRedWine · 06/07/2021 12:28

Wouldn't bother me too much personally, so long as he wasn't involving you non-consensually

SleepingStandingUp · 06/07/2021 12:39

@Elisandra

You’re allowed to object to any sexual activity that makes you uncomfortable, OP. Despite the wannabe handmaiden above telling you to put up with anything that isn’t serious abuse.
But she wasn't involved in his sexual activity. She woke up and heard it. Just like if she'd got up for a pee and walked in on him in the bathroom. By all means tell him you're not happy being woken up