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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Sorting himself out

59 replies

stayingontop · 06/07/2021 09:47

just that really, woke up at 3am this morning to realise DH is having a good old w*nk.... I pretended to be asleep , as not in the mood for it (another separate post entirely!) , then he casually comes and removes his boxers and gets back into bed. Is this normal!? As in when partner/husband/wife is asleep? And then next to them? I couldn't even look at him this morning

OP posts:

Tal45 · 06/07/2021 12:44

Yes normal. What would you rather he do when he's horny and you're asleep and don't want it anyway?

Sakurami · 06/07/2021 12:51

Not that I would do it but if it bothers you, speak to him about it.

Houseofvelour · 06/07/2021 12:56

I matsurbate when dh is asleep sometimes and I'm sure he's done it. What's the issue?

Drovememad · 06/07/2021 13:25

@Elisandra

You’re allowed to object to any sexual activity that makes you uncomfortable, OP. Despite the wannabe handmaiden above telling you to put up with anything that isn’t serious abuse.

How is the OP involved in sexual activity?

Bridezillamaybe · 06/07/2021 16:28

Am I the wannabee handmaiden? I think you might need some explanation on what was actually going on in those storylines - the women were being held down and raped.

OP, he thought you were asleep. If you object just tell him you woke up and felt uncomfortable. Don't make a massive deal out of it and embarrass him too much. In fact, if your relationship is lacking intimacy maybe now is the time to discuss that instead of focusing on this symptom.

rjacksmiss · 06/07/2021 16:33

Was he sleep wanking? Maybe he wasn't aware? I wake up in the middle of the night spontaneously orgasm-ing about once every few months. Sounds great but it's not! I don't even touch myself, it just happens, never told my DP

Original poster

stayingontop · 06/07/2021 17:13

Ok maybe I am just a bit of a prude then lol. We don't lack in intimacy, we just have mental lives and knackered most of the time! I also work shifts so not home every night.
I just thought if you do it yourself, without it involving your DP or DH then you do it in privacy. I do it, but wouldn't do it next to DH as would be too embarrassed lol

OP posts:

feeficken · 06/07/2021 17:17

It could be that when he feels he is up for it he doesn't want to wake you because as you've said you have mental lives and are knackered most of the time.

Original poster

stayingontop · 06/07/2021 17:27

I think the taking that boxers off is so that he doesn't sleep in it all night and to be fair it isn't all over our bed then either

OP posts:

Redruby2020 · 06/07/2021 17:45

@JesusSufferingFuck22

Not a big deal over and above waking you up by shaking the bed. Tbh I was creeped out the first time my DH did this. After he’d done it a few times I had to say something to him. Can’t remember what as it was years ago but it was along the lines of please stop waking me up when you have a wank.

😄 Thst rhymes

TheFoundations · 06/07/2021 17:50

@stayingontop

Ok maybe I am just a bit of a prude then lol. We don't lack in intimacy, we just have mental lives and knackered most of the time! I also work shifts so not home every night. I just thought if you do it yourself, without it involving your DP or DH then you do it in privacy. I do it, but wouldn't do it next to DH as would be too embarrassed lol

You're not a prude. Nobody has done anything wrong or deserves any derogatory names, here. You just have preferences that differ slightly.

Will you talk to him about it? I think it's more of a worry that something like this would be bothering you, and you're feeling that you prefer to consult MN to find out if your husband's behaviour is ok, rather than talking to him about how he's inadvertently made you feel uncomfortable.

Will he be ok with it when you talk to him?

IceLace100 · 06/07/2021 18:18

@stayingontop

Ok maybe I am just a bit of a prude then lol. We don't lack in intimacy, we just have mental lives and knackered most of the time! I also work shifts so not home every night. I just thought if you do it yourself, without it involving your DP or DH then you do it in privacy. I do it, but wouldn't do it next to DH as would be too embarrassed lol

Just say you don't mind him wanking but you don't want him to do it next to you in bed. You could say you don't want to be woken up, as a reason.

I don't think you're a prude- everyone has limits and you have found one!

waterSpider · 06/07/2021 18:27

Another possibility (kind of) -- it's often easier to go to sleep after a climax so perhaps he was haven't trouble sleeping at 3am?

waterSpider · 06/07/2021 18:28

(having trouble) not (haven't trouble)

CrouchEndTiger12 · 06/07/2021 18:33

@Palavah

I alao don't understand the taking pants off afterwards thing, but it certainly wouldn't bother me unless it was interfering with sex.

He took the pants off afterwards because at a guess he ejaculated in them.

Meh. The OP isn't up for sex. It was 3am. He thought she was asleep. I couldn't get angry about that. If he can't masturbate in his own bed where can he.

singlehun · 06/07/2021 18:33

I've done this and previous partners have done too. I reckon its quite normal

CrouchEndTiger12 · 06/07/2021 18:33

@waterSpider

Another possibility (kind of) -- it's often easier to go to sleep after a climax so perhaps he was haven't trouble sleeping at 3am?

Yes, that too!

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 06/07/2021 18:42

I often wank if I can't get to sleep. Going off to the harsh light of the bathroom would really negate the soporific effect of the orgasm! But then I don't have a partner so I can just let the vibrator drop out of my hand 😂

I don't think it's wrong or abnormal of him to masturbate like this, but it's also not wrong for you to say "You know you woke me up last night rubbing one out in bed? Any chance you could take yourself off to the bathroom if you feel the need in future? I need my sleeeeeep!"

Valeriekat · 06/07/2021 18:43

Massively disrespectful. If you share a bed with someone you don't wake your partner up like that.

CrouchEndTiger12 · 06/07/2021 18:46

Given the posters shock over it, this suggests it is the first time it has happened and they are married, it isn't a new relationship.

Disrespectful, grim, etc is a bit harsh if he is an otherwise decent partner and this is the first time.

me4real · 06/07/2021 18:57

Noooo I know masturbating is normal, but next to me when I am asleep? Just think it is odd!

He was masturbating in bed. I think that's where most people masturbate when they do, especially if it's at night/when the person's in bed anyway. That is all.

As he thought you were asleep, then if he was right his masturbating in bed wouldn'tve effected you at all.

I've done it once or twice next to partners who're asleep, but I always thought I had to be quiet and not move much, so they don't wake up and realize what I'm upto. So it wasn't very satisfying.

I do it, but wouldn't do it next to DH as would be too embarrassed lol

He thought you were unconscious so wouldn't know anything for him to be embarrassed about.

TheFoundations · 06/07/2021 19:05

@Valeriekat

Massively disrespectful. If you share a bed with someone you don't wake your partner up like that.

He didn't. Waking up and realising something is happening is not the same as being woken by it.

FusionChefGeoff · 06/07/2021 19:13

I think it would be polite to take yourself off into the bathroom tbh

sammylady37 · 06/07/2021 19:44

Is ‘handmaidens’ the new ‘cool girls’ jibe?

SleepingStandingUp · 07/07/2021 10:41

@Valeriekat

Massively disrespectful. If you share a bed with someone you don't wake your partner up like that.

He doesn't even know he woke her up though. It isn't disrespectful to wake someone up unknowingly and accidentally unless you think anyone who snores is disrespectful too

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