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Original poster

New Partner- Extreme religious views

103 replies

IceLace100 · 04/07/2021 21:18

I need your views Mumsnet!

I went on a second date with a guy today. He was so lovely we got on amazingly well and had a lovely time.

HOWEVER!

On the way home he said he had to tell me about some 'baggage', he used to be dead religious meaning-

  • he used to want to be a vicar
  • he thought gay people and gay marriage etc was morally wrong
  • he thought abortion was wrong
  • he didn't believe in sex before marriage and didn't have sex until he was 31 (34 now and I'm 33 if this matters)

He said he changed his views in 2014, and he seemed thoroughly ashamed. Since then he had amended his ways and now donates to gay charities and has taken part in pride, is pro choice etc.

He said he told me so that I had the choice of whether to continue seeing him again because it put some women off.

Not to drip feed but I am bisexual, very liberal, have had lots of sex with no regrets and very open! I am a strong feminist and pro choice (step mum is a gyne who performs abortions). I am a firm atheist and have good LGBT friends and a trans sister!

His previous outlook is so foreign to me!

I don't know what to think!

HELP!

OP posts:
Blindleadingtheblind · 04/07/2021 21:24

If he has changed his views and they are aligned with yours now then I wouldnt worry.

What caused him to rethink his views?

Comedycook · 04/07/2021 21:25

Have you asked him what made him like that? Was it his upbringing?

SionnachRua · 04/07/2021 21:27

If his views have changed and he's ashamed of them now, why are you worried? People are allowed to change and improve themselves, just look at Megan Phelps-Roper (ex Westboro Baptist).

FindingMeno · 04/07/2021 21:28

I would be very impressed with his wish to be honest and transparent, and take him at face value as the man he is now.

MartyHart · 04/07/2021 21:29

It's admirable that he has been honest about how he was before. He sounds nice.

Natty13 · 04/07/2021 21:31

I am extremely socially and politically liberal but tbh that wouldn't put me off as you've described it. I only dated men who were similarly open and accepting of others and the fact he has thought about it all properly and made a conscious decision is more reassuring than someone who lets you think they're open minded and later find out is closed-minded about something important.

YeokensYegg · 04/07/2021 21:34

I'd be wondering why he told you all this if it has been 7 years since his attitude changed.

category12 · 04/07/2021 21:34

Why's he telling you all this if he's changed his views since 2014?

I'd be kind of worried that he's scared it would come out some other way, and he's getting it in first.

TheFoundations · 04/07/2021 21:35

If you were ok with this, you would have taken it in your stride. But instead you're posting on a forum, for validation from strangers.

I think that if you need to 'ask the audience' by date two, on account of the fact that you're not feeling sure, then moving on is the best option.

Find someone who doesn't make you think 'I'm not sure if this is ok or not..??'

Find someone who makes you think 'YES!! This is much better than just OK!!'

custardbear · 04/07/2021 21:35

No he's been honest and it's been quite some time so not a fad - just see where it goes if you like each other

FindingMeno · 04/07/2021 21:36

I think its sensible to be open and I don't blame him. If the relationship progresses friends may bring up his past views.

Whatinthelord · 04/07/2021 21:37

Personally I’d give him a chance provided I like him otherwise. I think it’s a real positive that he has actually learnt and changed his views and how he acts. It’s rare for people from any part of the political or religious spectrum to actually question and then change their own beliefs.

MorriseysGladioli · 04/07/2021 21:38

He seems to have genuinely changed.
Unless he used to go about beating up gay people I wouldn't worry.

MichelleScarn · 04/07/2021 21:41

HELP! With what? So you're very liberal, but also still quite judgemental? He has said these were views he used to have but has changed.

Joanie1972 · 04/07/2021 21:41

I don’t agree with any of those views but I don’t think any of them warrant shame (other than perhaps not agreeing with homosexuality). I’d want to know what all the self-flagellation is about.

PurpleSlate · 04/07/2021 21:42

He's not your partner after 2 dates it's entirely up to you whether you see him again or not.

How do you feel about it? It's a very personal decision.

Zerogravity · 04/07/2021 21:42

I am surprised he told you now unless he thought you were going to google him and he had something to hide. Have you googled him yet??

Original poster
IceLace100 · 04/07/2021 21:43

@Blindleadingtheblind

If he has changed his views and they are aligned with yours now then I wouldnt worry.

What caused him to rethink his views?

He said something about his church appointing a new vicar who had more extreme anti-gay views and he didn't like it. I think it caused him to rethink his stance.
OP posts:
Original poster
IceLace100 · 04/07/2021 21:44

@Comedycook

Have you asked him what made him like that? Was it his upbringing?
He got into it as a young teen. I don't know why.
OP posts:
category12 · 04/07/2021 21:47

@Zerogravity

I am surprised he told you now unless he thought you were going to google him and he had something to hide. Have you googled him yet??
Yep, I'd google the heck out of him. I think it's odd that he's told you like it's this huge thing you need to know if he completely changed his views 7 years ago. Unless there's something more to it.
Original poster
IceLace100 · 04/07/2021 21:48

@TheFoundations

If you were ok with this, you would have taken it in your stride. But instead you're posting on a forum, for validation from strangers.

I think that if you need to 'ask the audience' by date two, on account of the fact that you're not feeling sure, then moving on is the best option.

Find someone who doesn't make you think 'I'm not sure if this is ok or not..??'

Find someone who makes you think 'YES!! This is much better than just OK!!'

I'm not seeking validation from strangers. I'm asking for a range of opinions because it's not a situation I'm familiar with and I don't know any religious people in my life who I can ask.
OP posts:
SimonJT · 04/07/2021 21:48

A lot of people who are raised in very religious households will have very similar stories to him. We were raised in a very religious multi fairh household, I never believed in gods and still don’t, although I do call myself a Sikh.

A relative had a similar experience to the man you met, he was studying to be an Imam, hes now an atheist. As a child he had only experienced the religious world, so it wasn’t until he was well into adulthood that he started to actually have those experiences.

Comedycook · 04/07/2021 21:48

Hmmm the thing is I think if he was brought up like that and then rejected those ideas, that's almost understandable. The fact he adopted those ideas is a bit more concerning.

KarmaViolet · 04/07/2021 21:48

I can understand why he would tell you - by 2014 the internet was a thing and I imagine that there are records of his former views. Definitely better to know now that he's had a change of viewpoint than to discover in 10 years time that he wrote something awful online in 2012.

I'd be fascinated to know what changed his mind, but beyond that I think I would take it at face value. A lot of people have changed views very radically on social issues.

grapewine · 04/07/2021 21:49

It's been two dates. Go on a third one if you want to feel it out, if you're not sure move on. He's not a partner at this point. Literally, he could be seeing several women.