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Relationships

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Original poster

New Partner- Extreme religious views

103 replies

IceLace100 · 04/07/2021 21:18

I need your views Mumsnet!

I went on a second date with a guy today. He was so lovely we got on amazingly well and had a lovely time.

HOWEVER!

On the way home he said he had to tell me about some 'baggage', he used to be dead religious meaning-

he used to want to be a vicar

he thought gay people and gay marriage etc was morally wrong

he thought abortion was wrong

he didn't believe in sex before marriage and didn't have sex until he was 31 (34 now and I'm 33 if this matters)

He said he changed his views in 2014, and he seemed thoroughly ashamed. Since then he had amended his ways and now donates to gay charities and has taken part in pride, is pro choice etc.

He said he told me so that I had the choice of whether to continue seeing him again because it put some women off.

Not to drip feed but I am bisexual, very liberal, have had lots of sex with no regrets and very open! I am a strong feminist and pro choice (step mum is a gyne who performs abortions). I am a firm atheist and have good LGBT friends and a trans sister!

His previous outlook is so foreign to me!

I don't know what to think!

HELP!

OP posts:

bathsh3ba · 05/07/2021 07:44

Did he actually say he thought 'gay people and gay marriage were morally wrong' or is that your wording? Because apart from that his views are mainstream Christian, not extreme, and I share his views on abortion and sex before marriage but only insofar as how I live my life, I don't impose my views on others. I wouldn't date a non-Christian though precisely because it wouldn't work.

If he says he had changed his views, I'd take him at face value.

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep · 05/07/2021 07:45

How is he a 'new partner' if you've only had 2 dates??

MargotEmin · 05/07/2021 07:58

You're not even remotely close to being in a relationship with this guy, if you otherwise enjoyed his company and would have given him a third date before knowing this then I would crack on (for me I'd almost want to meet him again just out of curiosity!). You seem to have a pretty solid sense of self, if he does have any latent dodgy beliefs I'm pretty confident you'd spot them and walk away without so much as a backward glance.

LongLiveGoblingKing · 05/07/2021 08:02

I've met a lot of men who identify as liberal and say the right things because they were brought up in that sort of environment but it's actually quite surface level. This man has thought about these issues in a very deep way, and arrived at his views despite his own internal conflicts. That's got to count for something!

Sunnyday321 · 05/07/2021 08:04

I would adopt a watch and wait policy. See how the next few weeks / months pan out as you get to know him. If his old opinions ' leak ' out , you have your answer.

Coronawireless · 05/07/2021 08:05

I’m wondering why he would take part in a Pride parade if he’s not gay? Was it to support a gay friend?

Toddlerteaplease · 05/07/2021 08:13

Those views aren't particularly extreme! Nothing wrong with considering ordination. Or not agreeing with abortion.

Horehound · 05/07/2021 08:18

Yeh I just think he's warning you he's Gona be shit in bed!

FeistySheep · 05/07/2021 08:31

Yeah I agree these are not extreme views (except the bit about gay people being 'wrong'. If he actually said that, that is awful. Many, but not all, Christians believe that homosexual acts are wrong, but not that being gay/gay feelings are wrong.)
But the rest of the views are mainstream Christianity. It's fine that you don't agree with them, and fine that you're glad he doesn't have them anymore.
But the bit I'd worry about is why he is so ashamed and cringing about them (apart from the gay people bit). It seems pretty self-depreciating - not in a good way - to bring that up on date 2. Does he have low self-esteem?

Oceanbliss · 05/07/2021 08:52

@IceLace100 I think stepping away from religion is a big thing for some people. It holds a lot of significance because it’s like stepping out of one world into another and starting a new life.

For some people I have known they lost friends and some lost family because their new lifestyle was not approved of. That can be hard and can be a brave thing to say to friends and family that they no longer believe it’s right and are choosing to walk away. I’ve known some people who have been through this. One of whom was gay and wanted to be true to themselves.

I think good on him. And him being open with you about it is something that must be important to him and that’s fine.

Get to know him more if you like him. See where it goes. Having had very different journeys in life and sharing that can be interesting and enriching.

The good thing about dating is that you get to know each other, find out if you’re compatible, identity potential red flags. Then decide if you want to take things further.

Original poster

IceLace100 · 05/07/2021 08:59

@Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep

How is he a 'new partner' if you've only had 2 dates??

Omg read the thread

OP posts:

Original poster

IceLace100 · 05/07/2021 09:00

@bathsh3ba

If he says he had changed his views, I'd take him at face value.

Yeah he said that.

OP posts:

Original poster

IceLace100 · 05/07/2021 09:01

@Horehound

Yeh I just think he's warning you he's Gona be shit in bed!

yup!

OP posts:

Original poster

IceLace100 · 05/07/2021 09:05

@FeistySheep

Yeah I agree these are not extreme views (except the bit about gay people being 'wrong'. If he actually said that, that is awful. Many, but not all, Christians believe that homosexual acts are wrong, but not that being gay/gay feelings are wrong.) But the rest of the views are mainstream Christianity. It's fine that you don't agree with them, and fine that you're glad he doesn't have them anymore. But the bit I'd worry about is why he is so ashamed and cringing about them (apart from the gay people bit). It seems pretty self-depreciating - not in a good way - to bring that up on date 2. Does he have low self-esteem?

I asked him why he was still feeling bad about it. He said he had CBT to help stop him feel bad about it.

For people saying his views aren't extreme, from my perspective I think they are. Being anti gay or thinking gay marriage is wrong is a long way from the mainstream views of this country and the current law.

OP posts:

Tal45 · 05/07/2021 09:12

Your backgrounds sound so different it might not work. But who knows unless you try? If he was fine when you told him about yourself then that's all good. But it wouldn't surprise me if it turned out he had a very low sex drive, had a lot of hang ups about sex or even if he ended up being bi or gay himself.

Coronawireless · 05/07/2021 09:13

The fact that he’s donated to gay charities and attended a pride March and feels so very bad about having been anti-gay does make me wonder a bit how long your relationship might last OP.

NoBetterthanSheShouldBe · 05/07/2021 09:15

Second date is not a new partner.

If you told him your background and family make-up I’d guess that’s why he told you about his earlier views. I think I’d be asking about his current opinions, perhaps discuss current news items or go and see a film that deals with LGBT issues together.

I’d also examine your own views on people of faith and those who choose to live their lives differently. I’ve had a fairly colourful life but know others who have chosen lifelong chastity and routine, we’re all different.

SVRT19674 · 05/07/2021 09:18

OP his views are conservative, but not extremist. Except on sex before marriage, that is very old fashioned indeed. Fifty years out of date if it is a day. I think he wouldn´t be the man for me, and reading your description of your situation and bio, well, he is definitely not the man for you, you will get to that conclusion eventually. Best of luck.

Danceswithwhippets · 05/07/2021 09:42

Older man here @IceLace100 , up the liberal end of the spectrum and with a trans person in the family.

Nothing wrong with him wanting to be a vicar, if he was religious in his youth so what -I think a number of people consider it as a vocation.

Committed christians are not necessarily bigots, but I have to admit they can often be up the grim end of the spectrum. I have a very religious friend who is blessed with not one but two gay sons, and she had problems finding a church that wasn’t offensively judgemental -even if they took the “love the person, hate the gay sex line”.

It’s a very positive thing that he volunteered his past to you. And that he didn’t react badly to your past and views. You clearly like each other enough to accept each others difference, past and present.

Ignore the posters who slag you off for asking for advice on MN. It’s a great, absolutely anonymous, forum.

As for posters who predicted he’ll be rubbish in bed -well, good luck and report back. But only after a trial period please, first nights are not a reliable judge!

Umberellatheweatha · 05/07/2021 09:53

My worry would be that it took him to the age of 31 (and a new person telling him what to think) before he changed his views. What's to say another new vicar couldn't come along and regress him?

He is saying that he doesn't think for himself, he is a sheep.

What's to say in future he couldn't become one if those 'red pill' weirdos. Or a conspiracy theorist. All it would take would be some nutter to come into his life. If a shitty person like a misogynist were to become his friend, he may readily take their views into mind.

Personally op I would leave this one. It's far too risky. But if you continue, you need to broach these things with him. And take things VERY slow. Friends first. I'm a bit worried that you call him.a 'partner's in your title after just TWO dates!?

Also important to point out that many abusers tell you exactly who they are or 'were' in the beginning so that when it unravels that they are still this person, they can say they told you from the start and make out that therefore you arent allowed to have a problem with it.

Umberellatheweatha · 05/07/2021 10:03

Ps: the whole 'I give to gay charities now's seems..
too extreme. It's like 'I'm a nice guy'. Nice guys dont have to tell you they are nice guys. Or why they are nice guys. Men who do, usually are the furthest thing from nice.

wed8pril · 05/07/2021 10:30

I'd say that thinking gay people are wrong is a pretty extreme view in this day and age.

Nanny0gg · 05/07/2021 10:36

Just take it slowly.

And bear in mind its way too soon to call him a partner.

Slowly... he might turn out to be what you want.

PiccalilliChilli · 05/07/2021 10:39

I would talk to him some more about this and decide if you want to continue seeing him. From his past experience it might cause some issues in the future. It depends on if you can build a relationship strong enough to weather those storms, or think, fuck it, too much hassle, I'm off!

Original poster

IceLace100 · 05/07/2021 10:46

@wed8pril

I'd say that thinking gay people are wrong is a pretty extreme view in this day and age.

I agree, also the no sex before marriage thing is far outside the realms of a moderate view.

OP posts:

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