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Original poster

New Partner- Extreme religious views

103 replies

IceLace100 · 04/07/2021 21:18

I need your views Mumsnet!

I went on a second date with a guy today. He was so lovely we got on amazingly well and had a lovely time.

HOWEVER!

On the way home he said he had to tell me about some 'baggage', he used to be dead religious meaning-

  • he used to want to be a vicar
  • he thought gay people and gay marriage etc was morally wrong
  • he thought abortion was wrong
  • he didn't believe in sex before marriage and didn't have sex until he was 31 (34 now and I'm 33 if this matters)

He said he changed his views in 2014, and he seemed thoroughly ashamed. Since then he had amended his ways and now donates to gay charities and has taken part in pride, is pro choice etc.

He said he told me so that I had the choice of whether to continue seeing him again because it put some women off.

Not to drip feed but I am bisexual, very liberal, have had lots of sex with no regrets and very open! I am a strong feminist and pro choice (step mum is a gyne who performs abortions). I am a firm atheist and have good LGBT friends and a trans sister!

His previous outlook is so foreign to me!

I don't know what to think!

HELP!

OP posts:
Original poster
IceLace100 · 04/07/2021 21:49

@Zerogravity

I am surprised he told you now unless he thought you were going to google him and he had something to hide. Have you googled him yet??
Yes I have - nothing unusual!
OP posts:
Original poster
IceLace100 · 04/07/2021 21:52

Ok maybe my post should have read 'New Potential Partner' but that's not realllt the point of my post.

OP posts:
Peoniesandpeaches · 04/07/2021 21:52

While I’m glad his no longer considers himself a bigot I don’t think I personally could date him. We’d have little in common discussing our pasts and I would find it frustrating listening to his past and the crap he believed. Not being a bigot is the minimum I require in a person and I don’t have to date them just because they have now evolved to reach that point…. Everyone’s line in the sand is different and it’s fine if you can get past this but equally it’s valid if you can’t.

TheFoundations · 04/07/2021 21:52

Seeking 'a range of opinions because it's not a situation I'm familiar with and I don't know any religious people in my life who I can ask' is seeking validation from strangers.

People who feel that they've met someone who is good for them, who they trust, don't post on forums at date 2. People who feel uncomfortable and unsure of themselves at date 2 do post on forums.

Find someone who doesn't make you want to post on a forum.

FlyingBattie · 04/07/2021 21:53

I think his honesty is a good thing, and if you believe he has changed, then there shouldn't be a problem.

Sittinginthesand · 04/07/2021 21:54

I think the strangest thing is that you are calling him your partner after 2 dates! Intense! Just go on some more dates and get to know him, you don’t need to do more than that.

Original poster
IceLace100 · 04/07/2021 21:54

@TheFoundations

Seeking 'a range of opinions because it's not a situation I'm familiar with and I don't know any religious people in my life who I can ask' is seeking validation from strangers.

People who feel that they've met someone who is good for them, who they trust, don't post on forums at date 2. People who feel uncomfortable and unsure of themselves at date 2 do post on forums.

Find someone who doesn't make you want to post on a forum.

You're fun Grin

OP posts:
grapewine · 04/07/2021 21:57

Find someone who doesn't make you want to post on a forum.

Tbh that's pretty good general dating advice.

CliftonGreenYork · 04/07/2021 21:57

People can change for the better. I was raised a mormon and believed all the same stuff as the guy you are dating. I then left the church, came out as gay and have been with my husband for 12 years.

grapewine · 04/07/2021 22:00

But OP, it certainly is possible to change extreme religious views. Look up Megan Phelps Roper, e.g.

Original poster
IceLace100 · 04/07/2021 22:01

@CliftonGreenYork

People can change for the better. I was raised a mormon and believed all the same stuff as the guy you are dating. I then left the church, came out as gay and have been with my husband for 12 years.

Thanks for this. Can't have been easy for you.

I think I'm concerned that he hasn't fully made the change and there might be some doubts in the back of his mind?

OP posts:
Original poster
IceLace100 · 04/07/2021 22:02

@grapewine

But OP, it certainly is possible to change extreme religious views. Look up Megan Phelps Roper, e.g.
Very helpful thanks!
OP posts:
TheFoundations · 04/07/2021 22:02

This reply has been deleted

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isadoradancing123 · 04/07/2021 22:06

Many people who were brought up by relegious parents, especially Catholic, were indoctrinated and brainwashed into similar views, when young, but have abandoned these ideas as we have grown up and formed our own opinions about life. He geld these views at one time but has now altered his views, i cannot see what there is to be worried about

bakingdemon · 04/07/2021 22:07

Is he still a Christian? There is a big spectrum of views on these issues in most faiths - the Inclusive Church movement is super welcoming to LGBT people, for example. He will probably also have had a lot of beliefs you'd share - honesty, loyalty, family focus.

Lunettesloupes · 04/07/2021 22:07

If you like him but you’re not sure about compatibility then why not proceed with caution. You’re only a couple of dates in - get to know him a bit better so you’re better able to decide. If the idea of doing that doesn’t appeal, that’s your answer.

LonginesPrime · 04/07/2021 22:16

He said he told me so that I had the choice of whether to continue seeing him again because it put some women off.

I'd be interested in how this had manifested to put other women off.

I wonder whether previous dates have been put off simply by his telling them this or whether he's warning you up front because it's bound to come out in other ways.

I find it a bit odd that his past beliefs are such a big deal to him, and to the other women he's dated, if he doesn't believe them any more.

If I were in your shoes, OP, I'd be worried that he's telling me so I'm not surprised when the rest of his views come out over time.

2bazookas · 04/07/2021 22:17

I am bisexual, very liberal, have had lots of sex with no regrets and very open! I am a strong feminist and pro choice (step mum is a gyne who performs abortions). I am a firm atheist and have good LGBT friends and a trans sister!

Tell him the above. How he takes it will be the answer.

aibubaby · 04/07/2021 22:18

Oof. I'd have the same reservations, OP - religious stuff is hard work to unpick and I've got friends who were raised in various religions who still now have to check themselves when they have a kneejerk reaction to something that isn't in line with what they believe their morals are now, e.g. a friend who'd been raised extremely Catholic who cried to me when she was drunk that she'd had a weird (internal!) reaction when our gay male friends adopted a child. She loves them both, she has no problem with gay marriage or adoption consciously, she is an ally in lots of ways, but something in her went '!!!' when she first heard. She was ashamed and mortified and consciously acknowledged it was a horrible response, even just in her own head, but those things sit deeply.

Having said that not everyone will have that experience, or isn't able to overcome previously deeply held views. Lots of people obviously can and do, and go through life acknowledging where their blind spots due to upbringing or previous beliefs are, but it's true that a lot of people do struggle with it.

I think you just have to take him on actions rather than words which is a good thing when dating anyway. If he acts in line with how he says he feels and thinks now, good.

Original poster
IceLace100 · 04/07/2021 22:20

@2bazookas

I am bisexual, very liberal, have had lots of sex with no regrets and very open! I am a strong feminist and pro choice (step mum is a gyne who performs abortions). I am a firm atheist and have good LGBT friends and a trans sister!

Tell him the above. How he takes it will be the answer.

I told him this in no uncertain terms. The whole thing. He seemed absolutely fine with it!
OP posts:
Original poster
IceLace100 · 04/07/2021 22:23

@aibubaby

Oof. I'd have the same reservations, OP - religious stuff is hard work to unpick and I've got friends who were raised in various religions who still now have to check themselves when they have a kneejerk reaction to something that isn't in line with what they believe their morals are now, e.g. a friend who'd been raised extremely Catholic who cried to me when she was drunk that she'd had a weird (internal!) reaction when our gay male friends adopted a child. She loves them both, she has no problem with gay marriage or adoption consciously, she is an ally in lots of ways, but something in her went '!!!' when she first heard. She was ashamed and mortified and consciously acknowledged it was a horrible response, even just in her own head, but those things sit deeply.

Having said that not everyone will have that experience, or isn't able to overcome previously deeply held views. Lots of people obviously can and do, and go through life acknowledging where their blind spots due to upbringing or previous beliefs are, but it's true that a lot of people do struggle with it.

I think you just have to take him on actions rather than words which is a good thing when dating anyway. If he acts in line with how he says he feels and thinks now, good.

I think you described my concerns much better than I did! Thank you!

Yes I think it's those underlying, subconscious, knee jerk reactions that are very hard to actively change. They can be very deeply embedded in the psyche aren't they?

Like an unconscious bias against certain things, and certain people.

OP posts:
Iggi999 · 04/07/2021 22:26

Is he warning you that he is sexually inexperienced? In my (albeit limited) experience, when people don't believe in premarital sex they tend to get married young. So I do wonder a bit why your man didn't find anyone.

Original poster
IceLace100 · 04/07/2021 22:28

@Iggi999

Is he warning you that he is sexually inexperienced? In my (albeit limited) experience, when people don't believe in premarital sex they tend to get married young. So I do wonder a bit why your man didn't find anyone.
I did ask him this. He said he "wasn't interested" in sex in his 20s. Kinda hard to believe but it takes all sorts.
OP posts:
YeokensYegg · 04/07/2021 22:37

Right now, he's still a stranger and men tend to lie a lot to get into someone's knickers.

Wasn't interested in sex in 20s = porn addict.

I would assume he's lying until he proves otherwise.

He may be mirroring you since you told him that you were bi and all.

It sucks to have to be like that but that's the way it is.

GirlAloud · 04/07/2021 22:49

He doesn’t have ‘extreme religious views’. His views are bog-standard, mainstream Catholic doctrine. This stuff is what they actually believe. I should know, I was brought up as a Catholic. Communion, confession, misogyny, homophobia- the lot.

If you like him, give him a chance to prove that he really has binned the dogma, but be prepared to dump him if any of it ever resurfaces.